He contacted me and I don't know how to reply

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex just contacted me for the first time in 5 weeks. He sent something like (it's a translation):

"Hey Blooming! Haven't spoken to you in quite some time... It was on my mind a bit last week and I would actually quite like to know how you're doing.

If you don't want any contact I understand."

I really don't know how to reply? Should I be honest and say I'm not doing well or should I pretend like everything's fine? I don't think he has any other intentions than just hearing from me because a friend of mine saw him with another girl yesterday.

[blooming]

My ex just contacted me for the first time in 5 weeks. He sent something like (it's a translation):

"Hey Blooming! Haven't spoken to you in quite some time... It was on my mind a bit last week and I would actually quite like to know how you're doing.

If you don't want any contact I understand."

I really don't know how to reply? Should I be honest and say I'm not doing well or should I pretend like everything's fine? I don't think he has any other intentions than just hearing from me because a friend of mine saw him with another girl yesterday.

[heartandwhole]

Hi blooming,

First thing I recommend is to take some deep breaths... .and wait. Feel the urgency (if there is some), the feelings that have been generated and notice how much you want to act on them.

Then wait.

Wait until the urgency (if you feel it) has passed (it will). Connect with yourself first before reaching out. Ask yourself what you want from this contact, is it a good idea, what if it doesn't go the way you want, etc. Give yourself the time.

When you reach out, I would keep it light. Be honest, but don't pour your heart out, is my recommendation. He may just be saying "Hi" and not asking for more, you know what I mean?

heartandwhole

[blooming]

Hi blooming,

First thing I recommend is to take some deep breaths... .and wait. Feel the urgency (if there is some), the feelings that have been generated and notice how much you want to act on them.

Then wait.

Wait until the urgency (if you feel it) has passed (it will). Connect with yourself first before reaching out. Ask yourself what you want from this contact, is it a good idea, what if it doesn't go the way you want, etc. Give yourself the time.

When you reach out, I would keep it light. Be honest, but don't pour your heart out, is my recommendation. He may just be saying "Hi" and not asking for more, you know what I mean?

heartandwhole

Hi there!

I don't know if the urgency would have ever passed because I still miss him so much it hurts. I replied something like:

Hey Ex! Glad to hear something from you! I'm not doing too well, still busy with giving everything a place, but I'll be fine in the end and every day is a little better. Doing fun stuff with friends helps. How are you?

To which he replied something about that he was sorry to hear that and he had hoped I would be doing better and that he himself is doing okay, busy with uni but other than that nothing to complain about.

It just hurts hearing that he isn't struggling like I am. That he has left our relationship behind him. That he's fine again. Of course I hoped that he would want to recycle me when I received that message. But reading his reply I don't think that's the case.

[MyBPD_friend]

Oh dear Blooming, you probably have answered to fast and have given more information that what was suggestet.
I know how it feels, and I've mostly also answered from my heart without much thinking, I found out that this might be a mistake to do.

Best wishes from Germany

[blooming]

Oh dear Blooming, you probably have answered to fast and have given more information that what was suggestet.
I know how it feels, and I've mostly also answered from my heart without much thinking, I found out that this might be a mistake to do.

Best wishes from Germany

Why do you think I gave more information than I should have done? What would have happened if I gave less information? Do you mean it's bad for him to know how hard it is for me?

At least he replied in an nice way, saying that it was a pity to hear that and the he had hoped I would feel better already.

[EdR]

Why do you think I gave more information than I should have done? What would have happened if I gave less information? Do you mean it's bad for him to know how hard it is for me?

At least he replied in an nice way, saying that it was a pity to hear that and the he had hoped I would feel better already.

It worked out fine in your situation. His reply is quite down to earth and does not show any clear black and white thinking.

But the member MyBPDfriend is talking about something else imo.
His original message was the same as his reply: collected, down to earth.
But 'normally' a pwBPD could be very much triggered by your more emotional reply. They would start or continue to dysregulate again and that could have become messy... .

[blooming]

It's just so hard realising that it's truly over, as long as he didn't contact me I could still hope that he was having a hard time and would message me when he missed me too much and wanted me back. Now I know I really have to let go of that hope. The only reason he messaged me is just to hear how I am doing. And the hardest part is that he is doing it in such a nice and polite way. Which makes me forget about his bad traits even more and only makes me miss his kind and loving sight. Pure agony.

[EdR]

It's just so hard realising that it's truly over, as long as he didn't contact me I could still hope that he was having a hard time and would message me when he missed me too much and wanted me back. Now I know I really have to let go of that hope. The only reason he messaged me is just to hear how I am doing. And the hardest part is that he is doing it in such a nice and polite way. Which makes me forget about his bad traits even more and only makes me miss his kind and loving sight. Pure agony.

I understand. But it is perhaps better to end it this way. Knowing that you were dealing with a person with bad and good traits. Who still cares about you, but perhaps not in the way you would like.
Forget the 'perhaps'. Take my word for it: it is way better than ending it in a bad way, where the good traits seem to have dissappeared and you still don't know what caused all this mess. And you'd be thinking for months whether or not he/she wanted more.

[blooming]

It worked out fine in your situation. His reply is quite down to earth and does not show any clear black and white thinking.

But the member MyBPDfriend is talking about something else imo.
His original message was the same as his reply: collected, down to earth.
But 'normally' a pwBPD could be very much triggered by your more emotional reply. They would start or continue to dysregulate again and that could have become messy... .

Yeah you're right, I think it's because he has detached from me emotionally completely that he can reply like that, because in the past he would have replied very differently. Blaming me and getting angry at me and saying hurtful things. So yeah, his replies make it all very definitive that I've truly lost him

[blooming]

I understand. But it is perhaps better to end it this way. Knowing that you were dealing with a person with bad and good traits. Who still cares about you, but perhaps not in the way you would like.
Forget the 'perhaps'. Take my word for it: it is way better than ending it in a bad way, where the good traits seem to have dissappeared and you still don't know what caused all this mess. And you'd be thinking for months whether or not he/she wanted more.

Of course you are right and rationally I know this is true, but it's just that I would give anything for a few more months with him. I still don't understand while the recycling didn't work with me while it did work with all of his other exes. It just feels like I failed.

[EdR]

Of course you are right and rationally I know this is true, but it's just that I would give anything for a few more months with him. I still don't understand while the recycling didn't work with me while it did work with all of his other exes. It just feels like I failed.

You didn't fail. I know how hard this is and all those feelings are natural.

Him not attempting a recycle could mean a variety of things. But I can tell you what it meant in my case (very close friendship) according to the experts:
It meant she felt my boundaries were too strong. Which comes down to: she knows I would like to talk about the weird stuff that happened before the situation could be normalised again.
That seems to be really hard for a pwBPD.

Could it be similar in your case?

[Jeffree]

blooming,

I am so sorry you're hurting so much from the current state of your relationship, or lack thereof, with him. I know how much it sucks to give so much, dream so big, and enjoy such great times with someone who seems to have simply moved on.

The tricky part in trying to read the signs of an exBPD is that we really don't know the rhymes or reasons that fuel their actions and feelings and how they relate to us. We can get ourselves into a world of hurt and confusion by trying to do so.

You don't know unequivocally if he's doing fine. You don't know what the dynamic is between he and his so-called replacement of you. You don't know if he will come back to you.

All you do know is how you feel about this and how he has treated you. Given that, only you know how far to remove yourself from him.

I would hope you can begin to move yourself forward with your thinking and actions by taking care of you and not letting him own such a big part of your thought process and self worth.

J

[blooming]

You didn't fail. I know how hard this is and all those feelings are natural.

Him not attempting a recycle could mean a variety of things. But I can tell you what it meant in my case (very close friendship) according to the experts:
It meant she felt my boundaries were too strong. Which comes down to: she knows I would like to talk about the weird stuff that happened before the situation could be normalised again.
That seems to be really hard for a pwBPD.

Could it be similar in your case?

Yeah definitely. He knows that he won't take him back without any real conversation, he has noticed that before already. So that good defnitely be the case.