Does NC work with BPD individual

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

As you might know from my other forum post, im trying to prevent a breakup which is looking more and more like a doomed attempt.

My question on this board is that currently my exwBPD contacts me fairly frequently but always about things she wants me to do for her - organise this please, arrange that etc... and because for me any contact is good contact i always aquiesce to her requests - mostly stupidly because it impacts my life or time!

I have read a few times that NC with BPD people often makes things worse if you are trying to get back with them because they "forget" about you in a different way to a nonBPD person.

Is this true, and is NC a good tactic to take to either help myself get some space and heal, or to equally give her a kick of how life is without me and potentially help her see that she does miss me etc... ?

[Robbland]

As you might know from my other forum post, im trying to prevent a breakup which is looking more and more like a doomed attempt.

My question on this board is that currently my exwBPD contacts me fairly frequently but always about things she wants me to do for her - organise this please, arrange that etc... and because for me any contact is good contact i always aquiesce to her requests - mostly stupidly because it impacts my life or time!

I have read a few times that NC with BPD people often makes things worse if you are trying to get back with them because they "forget" about you in a different way to a nonBPD person.

Is this true, and is NC a good tactic to take to either help myself get some space and heal, or to equally give her a kick of how life is without me and potentially help her see that she does miss me etc... ?

[Mutt]

Do you have kids with your exBPDw?

[TurbanCowboy]

As you might know from my other forum post, im trying to prevent a breakup which is looking more and more like a doomed attempt.

My question on this board is that currently my exwBPD contacts me fairly frequently but always about things she wants me to do for her - organise this please, arrange that etc... and because for me any contact is good contact i always aquiesce to her requests - mostly stupidly because it impacts my life or time!

I have read a few times that NC with BPD people often makes things worse if you are trying to get back with them because they "forget" about you in a different way to a nonBPD person.

Is this true, and is NC a good tactic to take to either help myself get some space and heal, or to equally give her a kick of how life is without me and potentially help her see that she does miss me etc... ?

If you want her back you can’t give any ammunition. One thing I learned before my separation is my wife saved my heat of the moment texts and would go back and read them to remind herself why I’m the persecutor. She needed validation to end the marriage.

The ability for no contact to work depends on a variety of factors. In the case of my wife, she was working on my replacement over the summer and fall so for me to go no contact when she’s painted me black and has her knight in shining armour ready to go would not be effective. We have a child together so no contact is impossible, but if we didn’t, it wouldn’t work anyway.

Now if the replacement failed and I didn’t burn a bridge because I ignored her, that could possibly help.

If you go no contact and there is no replacement, she could get lonely and come back to you. Having said that, by going no contact you could be sending the message to her that you are willing to abandon her a she might come back to you only until there is another option.

There is no instruction manual and every girl/man is different.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Robbland, 

Sounds as if you are very confused as to what to do. How long were you together? It is a really tough thing to step into a place of beginning to heal ourselves. Is it possible for you to do that and stay in contact with your ex at the same time?

Wools

[snowmonkey]

Hi Robbland, I was once in your situation. And how terrible I felt at that time. I am sorry that you feel this way.

I can remember reading magazine-psychology articles about NC and how to use it to get your partner back... .but nothing works the same for 'normal' people as it does for pwBPD.

More than a year ago I asked the exact question you ask and the advice I received here was that NC should not be used as a tool to make your wife want you more. It is a tool that should be used to give yourself time and space and peace. Use it to start healing.

I don't think abandoning someone whose entire psych is dominated by fears of abandonment can do much to quell their fears. Having said that, I will relate my experience.

I did go NC or rather I was forced into NC by her. We had a huge fight and we both simultaneously stopped all contact. Go forward 6 months and I had time to heal and had just started dating a new woman. In that time, she had had a failed relationship and a number of flings before she started calling me. I had become mentally, physically and emotionally stronger. And we had a brief foray into trying again. The outcome was that I realised if I stayed things would go back to how they were. I was in the midst of a second phase of idealisation from her and this time I simply walked away on my own terms, going NC of my choosing for no other reason than I knew if I stayed that I would one day find myself again where you are now; doing anything whatsoever just for the slightest hope that we could be together. It was very difficult and be assured that I am haunted by the look in her eyes from the last occasion I spent with her. At that precise moment I had never felt such love from anyone in this entire world.

In the case of my ex with BPD, I knew that NC meant one thing was extremely likely. She would very quickly find herself in bed with another man (or maybe even woman). The first time we went NC I had no choice, she was determined to start seeing other people. The second time I chose to go NC, I was ok in the knowledge that she would do that. I just wanted to be happy and healthy again.

[crushedagain]

Snowmonkey hit the nail on the head. No contact is not a tool to manipulate other people, it's for you to heal. All of those "get your ex back with no contact" sites are baloney. Not only does it not work, it's playing games.

And, contact or no contact, your BPD ex is going to do what she's going to do. There is nothing you can do to change her mind. The reality is that these BPD women and men do NOT have our interests or feelings in mind, and quickly move on to other beds.

[Robbland]

Thanks for the replies. This is without doubt the hardest thing I've ever done.

We don't have kids and were together for 3 intense years.

She has already found someone new she did 5 days after leaving.

She still contacts me daily to ask me to do this or that and of course I always do it.

I think I'm torn between having to accept its over and go nc for my own piece of mind and holding onto the hope if I stay nice to her and friendly and helpful she might want to see me again if things don't work out with this other guy. I hear myself say that and think why would I accept second best but as you probably all know it's not that simple.

She's desperate for somewhere to live and blames me for her lack of home but she chose to walk out. And I have always said the door is open to her, but because in her words she is in to deep with someone else she won't come back.

I'm stuck between always doing what she tells me, she never asks just tells me, and cutting contact to free myself but in my mind that means letting go.

[TurbanCowboy]

It’s all about control and her wanting to know that you are still available to her.

She may be in survival mode and needs an escape route if the replacement doesn’t pan out.  If you are demonstrating that she can walk out on you and you’ll still be there for her, she probably believes she can come back to you.

I get it. My wife was doing the same things after I moved out. To me it’s just ridiculously insensitive and is a reflection of the disorder. She’s moved onto another man immediately after 10 years and she’s acting like I should be understanding and able to move on as quickly as her. She asked for some favors and when I was in Disney World with our son over New Year’s she was asking for pictures. Just days before this trip I was a deadbeat dad, a loser, blah blah blah.

Again, my wife has r emotional intelligence and maturity of a child and for me limiting contact as much as possible has been the only way for me to go because when we are engaged it gets negative very quickly.

[Harley Quinn]

Is your primary aim to reconcile the relationship or to detach and heal?  Knowing your priority will allow us to help you best. 

Meantime, doing everything she asks and being at her beck and call doesn't do much for your self esteem and is allowing her to see that you are not maintaining boundaries in that she can make these demands of you despite being with someone else. 

I'd encourage you to consider what is important to you in a relationship.  When you are able to identify these things, these translate as your relationship values.  Boundaries are connected to us honouring these values.  Consider setting yourself a boundary on how you respond to these demands.  Whether you reconcile the relationship or not, working on your personal boundaries is a positive thing.  We show others how we should be treated by demonstrating what we are happy to accept. 

How do you feel about her making these demands of you whilst sleeping with another man?

Love and light x

[Robbland]

Is your primary aim to reconcile the relationship or to detach and heal?  Knowing your priority will allow us to help you best. 

Meantime, doing everything she asks and being at her beck and call doesn't do much for your self esteem and is allowing her to see that you are not maintaining boundaries in that she can make these demands of you despite being with someone else. 

I'd encourage you to consider what is important to you in a relationship.  When you are able to identify these things, these translate as your relationship values.  Boundaries are connected to us honouring these values.  Consider setting yourself a boundary on how you respond to these demands.  Whether you reconcile the relationship or not, working on your personal boundaries is a positive thing.  We show others how we should be treated by demonstrating what we are happy to accept. 

How do you feel about her making these demands of you whilst sleeping with another man?

Love and light x

I would love to reconcile but I dont feel like there is any hope and therefore I should try to detach.
She told me today she has found someone that treats her right and doesnt push her away, and that its too late for us to reconcile.
I've told her that "too late" doesnt exist, its simply about the choices we make, she can chose to work with me and try to reconcile the relationship or not, but currently she is in the happy stage with her new man and only wants me to do stuff for her.

I feel awful about doing stuff for her knowing she is sleeping with someone else - it kills me inside, and everytime i think about them together I get a physical reaction and it hurts like crazy - even though I know our relationship was as most are very hard work.

Ive compromised and compromised and offered to sell my soul to get her back, but nothing I say is good enough and its all too late she says.

But she blames me for being homeless even though she walked out on me a month before we were due to move into a new house I bought for us.

She is demanding I find her somewhere to rent, and either go guarantor on the rent or flat pay it for her! I cant do either of those things as buying her the perfect house she always wanted has emptied me of money.

She gets aggressive and abusive when i say I cant help her.

I know its wrong to keep just being a doormat and doing whatever she asks, but for some reason I cant find the strength to say no because I feel like it will just be the final final end and she will no longer need me for anything at all good or bad... and i cant face that.

[Harley Quinn]

it kills me inside, and everytime i think about them together I get a physical reaction and it hurts like crazy

OK.  This sounds pretty awful.  Letting go is painful too.  Indecision is a decision in itself.  From what you are describing, she is already in a new r/s and is happy.  You no longer have any obligation to help her.  She has a new man in her life.  At the moment, you are dragging out the pain of letting go by putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation in attempting to help and appease her.  The longer this goes on, the longer you will protract the pain of letting go for yourself.  Treat yourself with more kindness than this.  Whilst you are concentrating on her needs, your own are being unmet.     

Unfortunately, continuing to assist her is unlikely to make you any better in her eyes.  The reality is that she is more likely to lose respect for you by your willingness to put up with further abuse.  Another thing to consider is that enabling a pwBPD is actually preventing them from learning to be less dependent on others and to stand on their own two feet.  The kinder thing to do is to allow her to solve this for herself.  As you said, you did what you did already to give her the perfect home and she made her own choice to not live in it.  She needs to learn that her actions have consequences and learn to deal with these.  As long as she is sheltered from things she will continue to behave as she does and fail to learn the skills she needs to cope better in life.

In short, it is kinder to both of you to stop being at her beck and call. 

Love and light x 

[Robbland]

OK.  This sounds pretty awful.  Letting go is painful too.  Indecision is a decision in itself.  From what you are describing, she is already in a new r/s and is happy.  You no longer have any obligation to help her.  She has a new man in her life.  At the moment, you are dragging out the pain of letting go by putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation in attempting to help and appease her.  The longer this goes on, the longer you will protract the pain of letting go for yourself.  Treat yourself with more kindness than this.  Whilst you are concentrating on her needs, your own are being unmet.     

Unfortunately, continuing to assist her is unlikely to make you any better in her eyes.  The reality is that she is more likely to lose respect for you by your willingness to put up with further abuse.  Another thing to consider is that enabling a pwBPD is actually preventing them from learning to be less dependent on others and to stand on their own two feet.  The kinder thing to do is to allow her to solve this for herself.  As you said, you did what you did already to give her the perfect home and she made her own choice to not live in it.  She needs to learn that her actions have consequences and learn to deal with these.  As long as she is sheltered from things she will continue to behave as she does and fail to learn the skills she needs to cope better in life.

In short, it is kinder to both of you to stop being at her beck and call. 

Love and light x 

Thanks, I know you are right, I just have to find the strength to just do it!
Ive always struggled letting go, and always told her she will have to push me away - its always been her blocking me etc... ive never been able to step away.

Maybe now is the time to try... .

Love the support on this board, its incredible, thanks all. x

[Harley Quinn]

Just know you're not alone.  There are many in the same position right now and many of us have been there.  That's why we're here, so do check out others' posts and join others' threads.  We all learn from one another, and you're right, that support can make a huge difference.  Everyone here is in different stages of healing and it helped me enormously to know that others before myself had moved on to lead happy fulfilling lives.  You can too. You can do this.  You are deserving of putting yourself first and we're right behind you.   

Love and light x

[Robbland]

Just know you're not alone.  There are many in the same position right now and many of us have been there.  That's why we're here, so do check out others' posts and join others' threads.  We all learn from one another, and you're right, that support can make a huge difference.  Everyone here is in different stages of healing and it helped me enormously to know that others before myself had moved on to lead happy fulfilling lives.  You can too. You can do this.  You are deserving of putting yourself first and we're right behind you.   

Love and light x

I was doing up and down today and trying ncyas best I could, then I got a message from my exwBPD saying she saw this and it reminded me of her, and sent a picture of 2 bunny's saying remember some bunny loves  you.
It's totally messed my head up now because I have no idea why she sent it and what the point was?
I just replied :/ it's true.
And she never replied... .

I feel like if she was happy with her new guy she would never bother sending something like that but my minds a scramble now and I just don't know what to think or what to do with it... .Just stay with nc or try to talk?

[Pencil sketch]

Its one of the hardest things you will ever do, but no good will come out of staying. It all repeats itself, and goes full circle, and it doesn't get easier, it gets harder each time.
What I found was, initiating no contact, made me stronger, not be because I was punishing her, purely, because for the first time, I was in control of my emotions, and future.
Take it day by day, hour by hour, you will notice very subtle changes.
Sending strength xx

[Jeffree]

I cant find the strength to say no because I feel like it will just be the final final end and she will no longer need me for anything at all good or bad... and i cant face that.

What you've been doing hasn't worked or made things better. Why not try the opposite and ask her to ask Mr. Wonderful over there to do her bidding?

J

[TurbanCowboy]

Robbland,

Don’t read into it, that’s what she wants. She knows you thought of her today because you replied to the message. That made HER feel good. That’s all
She likely cares about.

I caught my wife getting out of another man’s truck on a Monday, Friday I’m seeing an attorney putting together an outline for a separation agreement and she’s texting me while I’m at the attorney. Saturday morning I’m at my parents with my boy and she’s blowing up my phone asking for my attorney’s informarion. Sunday evening I come home and there’s a note I had given to her for Valentine’s Day two years ago on the floor in the kitchen. It was placed there on purpose as a reminder of how much I love her... The following weekend we are back where I proposed on a hike and that began a 10 day charm where I thought we would salvage the marriage, I got back my retainer back from my attorney.

After the charm things were worse and it was a major mind F for me.  After I caught her with that guy I should have ended it and never looked back. She messed me with me which bought her more time to secure my replacement. She put on the full court press with him after the charm failed.

If my wife sent me a Valentine’s Day emoji today I would not have responded.

It’s all about her feelings. She doesn’t care about me. Period.

[Robbland]

Robbland,

Don’t read into it, that’s what she wants. She knows you thought of her today because you replied to the message. That made HER feel good. That’s all
She likely cares about.

I caught my wife getting out of another man’s truck on a Monday, Friday I’m seeing an attorney putting together an outline for a separation agreement and she’s texting me while I’m at the attorney. Saturday morning I’m at my parents with my boy and she’s blowing up my phone asking for my attorney’s informarion. Sunday evening I come home and there’s a note I had given to her for Valentine’s Day two years ago on the floor in the kitchen. It was placed there on purpose as a reminder of how much I love her... The following weekend we are back where I proposed on a hike and that began a 10 day charm where I thought we would salvage the marriage, I got back my retainer back from my attorney.

After the charm things were worse and it was a major mind F for me.  After I caught her with that guy I should have ended it and never looked back. She messed me with me which bought her more time to secure my replacement. She put on the full court press with him after the charm failed.

If my wife sent me a Valentine’s Day emoji today I would not have responded.

It’s all about her feelings. She doesn’t care about me. Period.

Mate that's tough going.

It's such a mind job isn't it. They know we care and it hurts so much when we get drawn in.

Stay strong fella.

[zeus123]

Robbland, stop responding to her every time she contact you. If I was you I would go complete NC especially she's with someone else now. Every time you respond to her you are giving away your power and perpetuate more anguish to yourself, besides she won't think highly of you. She's playing you and she finds you easy for manipulation, she's enjoying this while you suffer... simply, you are an easy prey for her games. Have some dignity!

[Harley Quinn]

It sounds as though she was testing the water to see how you might respond if she reaches out.  What emotions have come up for you?  If you were to try to talk, what would you hope to achieve and how do you see it playing out?

Love and light x

[Skip]

After the charm things were worse and it was a major mind F for me.

  TurbanCowboy,

We don't really use that term here (reason), but is this what you mean by it?

Hoover 5. v. colloquial Being manipulated back into a relationship with threats of suicide, self-harm, or threats of false criminal accusations. Relationship manipulation often associated with individuals suffering from personality disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
https://goo.gl/1bcTQD

Trying to follow your post... .

I can remember reading magazine-psychology articles about NC and how to use it to get your partner back... .but nothing works the same for 'normal' people as it does for pwBPD.

  snowmonkey I read the websites for men that tout this tactic and I think it works more for 20 somethings... .The idea of giving more space than is asked for and not jumping back like a love sick puppy every time a crumb is thrown your way makes sense. And this works with "pwBD traits" too, if done with sinecerity, conviction, and no angst. But, people with BPD are extremely good at seeing false emotions and can often see though this if it is a "strategy" and will call your bluff.

is NC a good tactic to take to either help myself get some space and heal, or to equally give her a kick of how life is without me and potentially help her see that she does miss me etc... ?

  Robbland

If your are trying to recover a relationship, cutting off contact is not going to help you. How can you reconnect if you are no taking any communication for 8-12 weeks?

Conversely, being her pack mule is also not a good idea. Where you draw the line and how you say "no" needs some finesse. I might suggest when you do the next task, but make a comment when you are done that work is really busy. Next tine she asks for something, tell her your glad to do smaller projects, but work is slammed. This way communication is open and you stop serving her.

Don't be petty. Don't get used either.

As everyone has said, is this relationship something you want or are you chasing it because it is pulling away?

 

[TurbanCowboy]

My wife for 2 months (when emotional/defensive) was telling me to move out.

The night I received my first separation agreement from her attorney who also told me to move out that day or face possible consequences we drank two bottles of wine together.  That weekend we were at the movies, an amusement park, hanging out on the couch drinking wine and watching football.

Two days later I get an email and she still wants a separation.

Then we have a bad fight a week later and on a Thursday I schedule a meeting with an attorney for the following Friday.  We have kind of a good weekend together, but the nights end with us watching TV and her making a comment in some passive way that the relationship is ending and I leave for bed. The Monday after that weekend I catch her with that guy.  That Friday I go see the attorney and go to my parents for the weekend.  I come home Sunday night and a card I gave her telling her how much I love her was planted on the kitchen floor for me to pick up. 

We had kind of a good week but I make plans to go to a football game the following Saturday. The Friday before she calls me at work and says we can go to the place where I proposed with our son. For the next 10 days we are sleeping together, showering together, planned a vacation, joined a gym, were looking to trade in her car for a new one, scheduled therapy, etc. It all went to hell Halloweeen day, we get in a huge fight the day after and it’s over. She puts the full court press on my replacement.

That’s not a H? There have to be threats?

To me her abandonment kicked in multiple times and really kicked in when I finally saw the attorney.

[Robbland]

It sounds as though she was testing the water to see how you might respond if she reaches out.  What emotions have come up for you?  If you were to try to talk, what would you hope to achieve and how do you see it playing out?

Love and light x

Well it's just stirred up that vague hope that maybe she still loves me and maybe things arnt going so well with her new guy and that perhaps she might want to reconcile at some point.
But I also think that's probably just me being optimistic and reading too much into it which is why it messed with my head because just when I'm starting to accept she's not coming back this happens.
I think if I was to try to talk to her she would probably not be interested and just say what she's been saying for a while now that she doesn't want to come back and that she's with someone else now.

I'm at that point where half of me wants to sort it out and reconcile but half of me can see it just wasn't a healthy relationship.

It's just hard when you work to move on and try to get past someone and then stupid stuff like a message can set you back :/

She messaged again later on yesterday after that message just an arbitrary message about her job, something she didn't really need to say. So I just didn't reply until that yet especially as I knew that as it was valentines day if she didn't read my message all night it would just upset me more because it would insinuate she was out with her new guy.
All assumptions but that's how my brain works at the moment, always thinks the worst.

[TurbanCowboy]

Any opportunity to reconcile ended the day after Halloween and that weekend I went away for a few days with my son for my 40th. Did my wife wish me a Happy Bday for my 40th? No, but she reached out to speak with my son on my 40th. The next day she’s reminding me that the last episode of a show we were watching was on that night.

Meanwhile, the Friday night I left with my son for the weekend she returned a tight black dress and bought another one, she also colored her her hair. I know she was hanging out with my replacement the whole weekend. A bifold door had come of a track and it was back on the track when I got home which means he was at our house. The new dress was drenched in her perfume. 

I came home a day early because the house was out of oil heat and she’s useless with those things. I noticed the dress on our walk in closet.

My wife was out to dinner with this guy while I was driving home, I found the receipt.  I’m driving home early from my 40th weekend to deal with the heat and she’s buying another guy a crab dinner. When I called her out on the dress she said she never wore it. Just more lies, can’t even admit to anything.

When I said I came home to help her while she’s doing lord knows what with this guy she says to me, “I never told you to come home.” She’s texting me about the heat issue while I’m trying to enjoy my 40th while my life is falling apart and ONCE again I try to be the nice guy about it and get squat for a thank you, just a slap in the face.

She did the same thing while I was in Disney with my son, texting me about a leak while the replacement is moving in.  I called her on this when I got back and saw that he moved in and her response, like a 2 year old, “you didn’t have to text me back, I’m used to you ignoring me.”

It’s stuff like this that literally makes me hate her with every fiber of my being. If she doesn’t have BPD she’s literally a piece of garbage.

[Robbland]

Any opportunity to reconcile ended the day after Halloween and that weekend I went away for a few days with my son for my 40th. Did my wife wish me a Happy Bday for my 40th? No, but she reached out to speak with my son on my 40th. The next day she’s reminding me that the last episode of a show we were watching was on that night.

Meanwhile, the Friday night I left with my son for the weekend she returned a tight black dress and bought another one, she also colored her her hair. I know she was hanging out with my replacement the whole weekend. A bifold door had come of a track and it was back on the track when I got home which means he was at our house. The new dress was drenched in her perfume. 

I came home a day early because the house was out of oil heat and she’s useless with those things. I noticed the dress on our walk in closet.

My wife was out to dinner with this guy while I was driving home, I found the receipt.  I’m driving home early from my 40th weekend to deal with the heat and she’s buying another guy a crab dinner. When I called her out on the dress she said she never wore it. Just more lies, can’t even admit to anything.

When I said I came home to help her while she’s doing lord knows what with this guy she says to me, “I never told you to come home.” She’s texting me about the heat issue while I’m trying to enjoy my 40th while my life is falling apart and ONCE again I try to be the nice guy about it and get squat for a thank you, just a slap in the face.

She did the same thing while I was in Disney with my son, texting me about a leak while the replacement is moving in.  I called her on this when I got back and saw that he moved in and her response, like a 2 year old, “you didn’t have to text me back, I’m used to you ignoring me.”

It’s stuff like this that literally makes me hate her with every fiber of my being. If she doesn’t have BPD she’s literally a piece of garbage.

I know that feeling.
I hate her yet love her and as you said if she doesn't have BPD she's a horrible human... .

I'm getting stuff like this isn't easy on me you know, and she's the one who chose to leave!

[Skip]

I missed a big part of this story... .that she is with another guy and the "bunny note" (not in the OP).

I think in these cases one of best thing we can give you is perspective on your situation.

1. She is with another guy. It's really time to let go. Forget BPD. Lets assume yours was a very stable relationship. My advice would still be to let go. You don't want to stand in the wings and position yourself as a safety net for her trying their hand in another relationship. You are just devaluing yourself in your own eyes and even more so in hers. And even if you two did recycle, her walking into another relationship and coming back will be normalized in your next cycle. You have no winning play here.

2. The Valentine card was probably meant to be a nice gesture, but it was poor taste. That said, I would look at it for what it is - a superficial Valentine's Day card.  She knows that you are hanging on... .its not likely even a probe. This is not how someone rekindles a relationship. If I had to guess, I think it was probably about her getting a little validation from you on a day when she probably had some anxiety.

[Robbland]

I missed a big part of this story... .that she is with another guy and the "bunny note" (not in the OP).

I think in these cases one of best thing we can give you is perspective on your situation.

1. She is with another guy. It's really time to let go. Forget BPD. Lets assume yours was a very stable relationship. My advice would still be to let go. You don't want to stand in the wings and position yourself as a safety net for her trying their hand in another relationship. You are just devaluing yourself in your own eyes and even more so in hers. And even if you two did recycle, her walking into another relationship and coming back will be normalized in your next cycle. You have no winning play here.

2. The Valentine card was probably meant to be a nice gesture, but it was poor taste. That said, I would look at it for what it is - a superficial Valentine's Day card.  She knows that you are hanging on... .its not likely even a probe. This is not how someone rekindles a relationship. If I had to guess, I think it was probably about her getting a little validation from you on a day when she probably had some anxiety.

I know the logical thing to do.
I know I should have some self respect
I know she's probably just using me to make herself feel better
And I know if she ever came back, unlikely as it is it would be very hard work.

And yet all I can think about is her and having my girlfriend and best friend back :/

Bottom line is I just miss her so much.

[xyz-Girl]

I was doing up and down today and trying ncyas best I could, then I got a message from my exwBPD saying she saw this and it reminded me of her, and sent a picture of 2 bunny's saying remember some bunny loves  you.
It's totally messed my head up now because I have no idea why she sent it and what the point was?
I just replied :/ it's true.
And she never replied... .

I feel like if she was happy with her new guy she would never bother sending something like that but my minds a scramble now and I just don't know what to think or what to do with it... .Just stay with nc or try to talk?

The exact same thing is happening to me. Well, idk if it is the same exact thing. My exBPDbf broke up with me for now, apparently, many reasons. He needs some time he said. Before getting into no contact, i sent him an email expressing my feeling and that i understood his need of space. he then replied to me calling me babe and that inform him to a doctor's appointment i had the next day. This was Monday, on Wednesday - valentine's day- i texted him wishing him a happy valentine's day and saying that i missed him. I want him to know that i do, that i want him still you know, idk if he is doing this all out of fear or he is just not interested in me. he never replied, so i assumed he is not interested anymore.

Because most of our relationship was LDR, we had a shared calendar, this morning i just saw that he added to our calendar a dinner date with some chick- like who does that? he obviously wants me to react to it right? but why? he did not reply to my text before and now he wants me to start some type of fight with him?. It is all super confusing as you can see. I know he is going out on dates, idk if he is already in another relationship, he said he doesn't want that, but he is hyper-sexual for sure. so that is prob what he is looking for, until he finds someone with a good sexual connection i guess. 

Just this mix-signal that you were talking about is what really makes us step back on our progress of moving on. Now, that she is on another relationship, I would advice to just move on. Do as much as you can, I know it is hard, i have trouble letting go too, but hey! time will help you out just don't keep playing her game. the more you ignore her the more she will try to pull you back in and then the will push you back out.

Another question? Is she diagnosed? is she aware of her issues?

[Skip]

And yet all I can think about is her and having my girlfriend and best friend back :/  

I know. That is hard. We have all struggled through this too.

It unfathomable to be in love and have that person walk away. How does that happen. Many songs have been written about this. It really hurts.

[Robbland]

The exact same thing is happening to me. Well, idk if it is the same exact thing. My exBPDbf broke up with me for now, apparently, many reasons. He needs some time he said. Before getting into no contact, i sent him an email expressing my feeling and that i understood his need of space. he then replied to me calling me babe and that inform him to a doctor's appointment i had the next day. This was Monday, on Wednesday - valentine's day- i texted him wishing him a happy valentine's day and saying that i missed him. I want him to know that i do, that i want him still you know, idk if he is doing this all out of fear or he is just not interested in me. he never replied, so i assumed he is not interested anymore.

Because most of our relationship was LDR, we had a shared calendar, this morning i just saw that he added to our calendar a dinner date with some chick- like who does that? he obviously wants me to react to it right? but why? he did not reply to my text before and now he wants me to start some type of fight with him?. It is all super confusing as you can see. I know he is going out on dates, idk if he is already in another relationship, he said he doesn't want that, but he is hyper-sexual for sure. so that is prob what he is looking for, until he finds someone with a good sexual connection i guess. 

Just this mix-signal that you were talking about is what really makes us step back on our progress of moving on. Now, that she is on another relationship, I would advice to just move on. Do as much as you can, I know it is hard, i have trouble letting go too, but hey! time will help you out just don't keep playing her game. the more you ignore her the more she will try to pull you back in and then the will push you back out.

Another question? Is she diagnosed? is she aware of her issues?

I know I should walk, and I guess I am a bit each day but sometimes it's 2 forward 1 back.

She had been diagnosed and she knows it but I still don't think she believes much of what happened in our relationship is related to the BPD yet... .