Re: My GF told me she doesn't want me and she is leaving my life (Pt 2)

[once removed]

I will try more on validation but I don't want her to think I am fake and push her off.

thats why it should be natural and sincere. it isnt therapist speak. its saying (not in these exact words) to a loved one "i hear your pain, it is understandable" like you would to a friend. there are many ways to go about it. its about finding what comes naturally and sincerely to you. it also comes in handy during arguments, or when our partner is voicing a concern about the relationship. remember, the emphasis is on NOT being invalidating, which is easy to do. we can be very dismissive to our partners concerns because they may be mixed with some level of distortion, and when we invalidate, it can make things worse.

I just hate her having male friends and showing affection for them.we broke up because of this before and I had to be the one to compromise and let her have her two male friends. I just hate it. Like I really really hate it. You can call me over jealous or whatever.

im not judging, and its good to be self aware about. there are a lot of ways to navigate this stuff as a team. you each have to decide what is in bounds and what is out of bounds, what (and who) is reasonable and unreasonable. building trust, and things like transparency between both partners can go a long way in navigating this.

I don't really know what I am doing now or what my next move is. So what Am I supposed to do now?

well, whats going on today? whats the status of things?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Yuu]

I don't know really it feels like we aren't making any progress at all. We are texting daily but she still has her fears and insecurities. And she said that she doesn't see a future to our relationship. And that there are many obstacles that prevent us from getting married or being together. She Can only see a dark future ahead. And I keep thinking about her male friends. One of them told her before to break up with me and a lot of stuff like that. I don't know what I am supposed to do anymore... .

We are meeting tomorrow. But I don't know where to go. I think I will take her to a restaurant and just take a walk after that. Or maybe to a mall where we can eat and walk in the mall. I don't really know. I am not sure what is the purpose of going out if I am not talking about our relationship. (except that I get to see her)

[once removed]

what obstacles prevent you from getting married or being together?

im getting the impression that this stuff is too heavy. remember, you want to approach this as a "new" relationship. the deep and heavy talks may be choking out the livelihood.

how did the meeting go?

[Yuu]

Once removed,


I didn't know untill yesterday she said stuff like this relationship doesn't have any future and there will always be obstacles in life and we won't be able to achieve anything and we will get bored. The idea with commitment and responsibility scares her. And more things. And there are other things that I don't know about.

Okay so we met and we hang out at the mall and checked some stuff. She had bought me a T-shirt we both looked at a few weeks ago before the break up. I brought her the chocolate and a Note with "every thing will be ok" on the cover. Anyway we ate and drank then went to sit in a cafe where we joofed around for a bit and had a good time we held hands naturally I didn't really know what we were doing and then the worst thing happened the subject of marriage and the relationship was opened I don't really remember how but I remember saying that If she doesn't want to talk about it then we shouldn't but she said it was okay then I told her let's look at it in a realistic way. And she said okay. I started talking then I noticed she wasn't responding and she was just out of place I mean I kept calling her but she didn't answer at all as if she wasn't here with me then I looked at her and she looked straight at me in my eyes but what I saw was an empty body with no soul in it seriously I mean her look was so cold... .And she didn't respond to anything I said I reached out for her hand but she pulled her hand then her family called she had to leave I couldn't do anything I was so HELPLESS. I was sick from the day before right after that I felt sick so I needed to rest for a sec. Then we went out I was sending her something via Bluetooth so we waited for about 20 mins for it to send in that time I tried to change her mood so I kept joking and she laughed and I thought I changed her mood I got her in a cab. We have a habit of always calling after she rides and to make sure she got home I called but she didn't answer I sent her a text saying to let me know when she arrives home but she turned off her mobile I had to text her friends to call her home to make sure she arrived as it was late and I was worried... Then she opened her mobile and apologized for not telling me she arrived and she said something like not to put up with her bad attitude  but I told her it was okay and I am will always have her back and she told me she loves me and after that we slept and hadn't talked since then

I messed up bad... .I hate me really

Sorry for mountain of text

[once removed]

its pretty uncomfortable to watch someone you love in that state. you might have witnessed a version of dissociation.

she said something like not to put up with her bad attitude

Yuu, reading into everything you describe, what it sounds like she is really communicating is that she needs you to lead this relationship in a different direction. she needs your strength and confidence. she needs, when shes in crisis, for you to not emotionally "sucked in".

shes inherently insecure. shes inherently difficult. she has difficulty with discussing her feelings or having these kinds of talks.

which brings me back to the point ive been making, that getting your relationship back on track is more about actions than words. sometimes its about not acting too, in the sense of not trying to solve each crisis or rescue her. let them blow over, because they will happen, and they will also blow over. and each time you respond with leadership and strength (or for that matter, being upbeat and confident... .trying to get her to laugh was a good move), it will alleviate her insecurity and build trust.

I messed up bad... .I hate me really

no worries Yuu, youre doing fine, and things have come a long way since you first posted here. whats really important now is to keep things light, upbeat, and fun, or the heavy talks, the crises, theyre going to overwhelm you both, and overwhelm the relationship.

reread this. keep revisiting it, and keep it in mind: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

additionally, at this stage, it might be a good idea to dive into the threads of others in your situation and teach what youre learning, read the perspectives of others. i know sometimes in my case, i find giving others advice gives me a much better impression and perspective of what to do in my own situation.

[Yuu]

Once removed,

I am sorry but I don't really understand what I am supposed to do. I mean I can't keep acting like we are just friends she might get used to that and I don't want that I kinda want a conclusion I can't keep hanging my life Y'know. And I really really don't understand what I am doing or what are we in that matter.

Thank You alot for your support, It is really good to have someone to talk to, I really appreciate it

[once removed]

I am sorry but I don't really understand what I am supposed to do.

the short version of it is that you need to lead. you need to decide where you want the relationship to go, what kind of a relationship you want to have, and steer the relationship in that direction. right now, youre letting the ship steer itself so to speak, and when that happens, it can hit an iceberg, again, metaphorically speaking.

whats going on today? any update?

[Yuu]

We are talking and texting and once in a while she says something like I love you and I want a kiss. Stuff like that. So yeah I want us back but If I even open that subject everything turns into a mess. And I get the feeling that I ended up doing what she wants which is being friends.
The question is how do I lead the to us getting back?

Tbh some stuff is on my mind and really irritates me. Her male friends and all that stuff!

[once removed]

So yeah I want us back but If I even open that subject everything turns into a mess. And I get the feeling that I ended up doing what she wants which is being friends.
The question is how do I lead the to us getting back?

Tbh some stuff is on my mind and really irritates me. Her male friends and all that stuff!

take her out. romance her. above all, have fun.

"i love you and i want a kiss" is not the language of someone who wants to be friends. its the language of someone who wants to be romanced.

doing so will take you much further than having a conversation about it. all the signs are there that this is yours for the taking, seize it.

the male friends is a separate issue, and there are a number of ways to go about it, that depend on your values and boundaries. boundaries are never "wrong", though they can be rigid, or unrealistic, or seriously limit your options.

you have to decide, between the two of you, what is in bounds and out of bounds. if your position is "i cant live with you having any male friends", its going to put a major strain on your relationship, and it would be better to meet someone who has the same values as you do (and that will be rare). if your position is "i want you to have male friends, but it makes me jealous", you can work with that. there are lots of options... .i encourage my girlfriends to have male friends, but that doesnt mean, for example, im necessarily cool with them hanging out alone at three in the morning (i might be fine with it if trust is established), so that might be my limit, whats in bounds, whats out of bounds.

its probably a discussion that i would put aside, until the romance has heated up and the relationship has stabilized. avoid strain and pressure on the relationship right now. focus on romance and having fun.

[Yuu]

I think by postponing the subject, she will get the feeling that we are back to being bestfriends and so on. And I can't actually meet her that much she is only free once a week. So when is the time to make my move to get the relationship back?

Can you explain romance her more,? (I know this kind of stupid)

Her friend texted me today telling me that she is not okay and that she hadn't really stopped her self harming habit... She lied to me means that she doesn't trust or she sees my worrying annoying

[once removed]

Can you explain romance her more,? (I know this kind of stupid)

sure. if a girl i fancied was telling me she loved me and wanted a kiss, id tell her id love to see her and give her that kiss. then id hop in my car and go do it.

if i couldnt see her, id at least sweet talk her. use my best romantic lines. maybe even move the conversation in a "hot and steamy" direction.

if im limited to the phone, id want to keep the conversation revolving around that kind of thing. build up the excitement of seeing each other.

if im seeing her in person, we are either out having a fun, good time, laughing and joking, or we are getting physical.

thats pretty much all i would do at this stage.

Her friend texted me today telling me that she is not okay and that she hadn't really stopped her self harming habit... She lied to me means that she doesn't trust or she sees my worrying annoying

it could mean a number of things. it could mean she doesnt want to distract from the conversations/good time youre having, which could mean when she talks to you she feels better. on the other hand, if you respond with worrying, it could make her feel less safe. remember the analogy i gave you of a child and a parent. if a child comes to a parent all scared and freaked out, its not going to make the child feel safe or secure if the parent does the same thing.

I think by postponing the subject, she will get the feeling that we are back to being bestfriends and so on.

what is the conversation you want to have with her? be specific, what do you want to say to her?

[Yuu]

I want to tell her that I want us back, I mean we are acting like we are back together but we haven't really said it or talked about it. I just don't know anymore...

[CryWolf]

I want to tell her that I want us back, I mean we are acting like we are back together but we haven't really said it or talked about it. I just don't know anymore...

I think it’s best if you avoid the “what are we talk” as it may push her away.wait until she brings it up, but based off her actions she shows high level of interest for you and that’s an amazing thing. I know you want to talk about having certainty about the relationship and putting a label on it to soothe your anxiety but I believe it’s best to go with how she is feeling and match her level of interest.

Just my 2 cents. Goodluck

[Yuu]

I think it’s best if you avoid the “what are we talk” as it may push her away.wait until she brings it up, but based off her actions she shows high level of interest for you and that’s an amazing thing. I know you want to talk about having certainty about the relationship and putting a label on it to soothe your anxiety but I believe it’s best to go with how she is feeling and match her level of interest.

Just my 2 cents. Goodluck

hey CryWolf ,

I get what you are saying but I don't want to be left hanging or  friend zoned .plus she sometimes acts so cold and I don't know. it hurts feeling that she doesn't care and then she is acting lovey so in the end I don't know what to do when she acts cold and I don't want to keep this splitting phase it happens so often ,daily .

thank you for your reply and advice :D

[CryWolf]

hey CryWolf ,

I get what you are saying but I don't want to be left hanging or  friend zoned .plus she sometimes acts so cold and I don't know. it hurts feeling that she doesn't care and then she is acting lovey so in the end I don't know what to do when she acts cold and I don't want to keep this splitting phase it happens so often ,daily .

thank you for your reply and advice :D

Hey Yuu,
 I am in a similar situation as you. My ex-BPD never wanted to make things official, I believe looking back now it may be due to her being afraid of commitment and her ex and others left her. I was okay with this because we acted like a couple and were in love with each other. Her words and actions were not aligned at times. She would tell me we weren't compatible but then also tell me how she loves me and is lucky to have me. Some days she would jump to see me other days she wouldn't look at me. Of course some days or even in a matter of hours she would be so distant and cold and I would feel like I was never good enough or she was going to leave me. I have an anxious attachment style which doesnt help.

 Our relationship ended because she wanted friendship and she could not give me what I wanted which was affection, and I didn't want to be just friends with her. This hurt her and brought out her abandonment issues. Which at the time I did not understand because I didn't want to be friend-zoned and wanted more. I'm in a constant cloud right now trying to get her back, and I want to say your story has really helped me.

I want you to know that you aren't alone, and your situation is entirely itself but we feel your pain and what you are going through.

[CryWolf]

I also hope this video may be of some use to you https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8wh2E-Zkso

[Yuu]

hi CryWolf ,

I am glad it helped .thank you for your support .

any ideas on how to deal with the daily splitting ? how to cope with it ?

[CryWolf]

hi CryWolf ,

I am glad it helped .thank you for your support .

any ideas on how to deal with the daily splitting ? how to cope with it ?

In my personal experience, I would give her space until she was ready to reach out to me or I would text back again in a few hours. Sometimes, she'd break up with me then text me a couple hours later asking if I ate and she wanted to get me food. This was her form of an apology. I didnt understand it at first, and was frustrated for so long. When it would happen in person she wanted to go back home and have absolutely nothing to do with me and I would try to talk and understand but she would have none of it. She would do things I hate, like being ignored. It sucked. Time and space and a lot patience are what I can suggest and letting them know you are there for them.

[once removed]

hows it going today, Yuu?

[Yuu]

Yeah... I think I have no hope in this, she is trying to friend zone me and she doesn't want us to meet because she doesn't want the relationship back... I have no idea what to do... Nothing is working and she has been cold for the past week... What is the point I mean she doesn't want us and there nothing I can do to change that... I am so sick of postponig this She isn't putting us being back as an option in the first place... I love her and I want her but it hurts so much having her act so cold and pushing me away 

I am utterly helpless I think I am going to confront her that I want us back if she agrees to meet but if she doesn't I am saying it on the phone which will probably have a 100% negative response... But I just cant wait anymore

[Harley Quinn]

Yuu,

What is the rush?  Can you put your urge on pause for a little time and allow her some space to consider things?  

If you are not pursuing her or putting pressure on her to reach a decision then she is more likely to come to a decision in her own time that is less likely to be one of reaction to the pressure.  (One which might not be what she would conclude by herself.)  

Put it this way, if you succeed in restoring the relationship, then you have the future ahead of you.  In the same way, if you part ways for good, then you have the future ahead of you to work through that.  There is a sense of urgency in your post and I sense you are feeling anxious.  Would that be fair to say?  

When we feel strong emotions they can cause us to want to act to reduce these feelings.  Sometimes, taking a pause allows those feelings to subside naturally and gives us a wider perspective.  What do you think?  What can you focus on whilst you give her a little space for a day or two?

Love and light x  

[Yuu]

Harley Quinn,

It has been a month since she broke up with me and being friends hurts me. It is very uncomfortable to me and she seems to be getting more distant and keeps acting cold and ignores me. And I can't really focus on my life or studies. She said before and she clearly doesn't want a relationship she wants us to be friends.

My whole life is postponed. All I feel is anxiety and uncomfort. She doesn't speak honestly with me anymore. I mean why do I wait? I want a conclusion... She won't come back anyway... I am helpless in that part as I can't seem to convince her

[Harley Quinn]

Have you been trying actively to convince her?

Love and light x

[Yuu]

What does actively mean?
Sorry if it seemed like I was being rude and thank you for your help

[Harley Quinn]

Not at all Yuu and you're welcome.  I hope we can help.  It is very hard for you to cope with the belief that she doesn't want to get back into the relationship.  I can understand that and it must be very painful for you.  What I was asking was have you talked to her about this and tried to convince her to change her mind about just being friends?  Or have you taken other approaches to show her what a relationship might look like, through your behaviour towards her?

Love and light x 

[once removed]

when you say she is trying to friend zone you, can you be specific?

when you say shes acting cold and distant, what is she cold and distant in response to? what are you saying and doing that is met with coldness?

[Yuu]

Harley Quinn,

I have taken another approach trying to show her it is not heavy and full of responsibilities and so on. As I was told not talk heavy talks with her.

Once removed,

She responds very late while being online she doesn't open up conversations and trys to end them and when we talk she speaks in a way like she isn't interested in talking at all Y'know like the difference between talking excited and talking with no interest, she doesn't share with me any more and when I ask her about anything in her life she answers with I don't know or I don't remember.I can clearly see that she is pushing me away or trying to set boundaries(friend zone me) . Also she doesn't want us to meet alone. 

[once removed]

She responds very late while being online she doesn't open up conversations and trys to end them

okay. who is initiating most of the contact, and how often?

if she isnt interested in the discussion, if shes ending it early, thats not "friend zone" stuff, thats a sign that the approach may not be clicking, and to dial things back.

[CryWolf]

I agree with Once Removed here.

I believe you are afraid of the friend zone and your actions may end up causing
You there. The thing you fear the most is what you tend to cause. So if you’re somewhat forcing things such as certain conversations or topics she is not ready to discuss then be fine with it and move on from the topic. I know you may anxious and want definite answers but sometimes things need to take their course. It’s not easy and I’m pretty sure 100% of us can relate on this site or anyone that has dated before.  There will be plenty of more opportunities for that to be brought up in the future. In the mean time you should focus on giving her fun and memorable experiences that she can’t forget. Make her want be comfortable with you so you can meet up alone again. It’s tough. Patience truly is a virtue.

[EdR]

Harley Quinn,

I have taken another approach trying to show her it is not heavy and full of responsibilities and so on. As I was told not talk heavy talks with her.

Once removed,

She responds very late while being online she doesn't open up conversations and trys to end them and when we talk she speaks in a way like she isn't interested in talking at all Y'know like the difference between talking excited and talking with no interest, she doesn't share with me any more and when I ask her about anything in her life she answers with I don't know or I don't remember.I can clearly see that she is pushing me away or trying to set boundaries(friend zone me) . Also she doesn't want us to meet alone. 

Hi Yuu, hi everyone,


This thread has been going on for a while and imho has reached a critical stage.
Yuu has also a thread about his codependency, but what is happening here exactly?

My analysis:
Yuu has been advised to walk on egg shells for quite a while now, but it does not make him happy or help things forward. He is starting to lose himself in this approach as it is only 'partner centered', which is ironically the very definition of codependency.
He is not steered away from it, he is steered right towards it... .

Yuu describes some things very clearly: she IS pushing him away. This sounds like she does not want the contact anymore and Yuu can feel it too.
If he would pursue, he would probably lose her, but now he is starting to lose himself... .what is more desirable here?

I think Yuu describes the crumbling away of the r/s and he seems to be spot on on the analysis. Given the fact that he has already been following the advice here, do we really think it is likely she will revert back to the same old girlfriend if he continues down this path?

Imho he would not only lose himself, but most probably still lose her as well.