Do they care if you hate them?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi Tiki

Yes they try and run away from their guilt but it eventually catches up with them. My exgf always had a man on the go (or more). Probably the longest she went between them was a couple of weeks. Now though she goes weeks even months between. In this time she has no choice but to reflect on her situation. Even when they are in a relationship (post honeymoon phase) they reflect.

The older they get the less they can rely on their looks and the more they come to realise that all their plans will come to nothing and they will either end up alone or with someone that they don't want to be with.

The people who they loved and yes they do love will have moved on with their lives and they will regret this loss more.

Thank you so much. I recognize my own question now as immature feelings whose darkness will only hurt you. It is hard to accept there is a callousness but then again that means there is no point in trying to get them to apologize.

[tiki]

Hi Tiki

Yes they try and run away from their guilt but it eventually catches up with them. My exgf always had a man on the go (or more). Probably the longest she went between them was a couple of weeks. Now though she goes weeks even months between. In this time she has no choice but to reflect on her situation. Even when they are in a relationship (post honeymoon phase) they reflect.

The older they get the less they can rely on their looks and the more they come to realise that all their plans will come to nothing and they will either end up alone or with someone that they don't want to be with.

The people who they loved and yes they do love will have moved on with their lives and they will regret this loss more.

Thank you so much. I recognize my own question now as immature feelings whose darkness will only hurt you. It is hard to accept there is a callousness but then again that means there is no point in trying to get them to apologize.

[Jeffree]

Some might care some might not, but I remember the day I actually said to her first "I hate you!"

She was menacingly pestering me everywhere I went in the house to get away from her derision. I kept shouting "Leave me alone! Please, leave me alone! Get out of my face!" As I was going downstairs with her trailing behind me telling me I am not a man and how could I let her son talk to her like that it just came out, "Leave me alone! I hate you!"

It didn't bother her. She'd make some sarcastic comments about it afterward like, "Oh, don't you remember you hate me? Oh, that's right... .I forgot you hate me." And it didn't take her more than a day or two to figure out a way for her to tell me she hated me, which I knew was coming. It was surprising it took that long.

I found the ultimate problem with my STBx was that words don't mean anything to her. They are just sounds mouths make when communicating. Hate, love, compassion, empathy, or what have you don't have any meaning when coming from me. All that matters to her is her feelings and thoughts about everyone and everything real or imagined.

What I say is only something for her to either talk over or do her mental gymnastics to beat me back over the head with. There's no ownership, no taking inventory, no mature debate. She just lashes out like a baby who isn't getting what it wants the second it wants it.

J

[Pretty Woman]

Tiki,
  It repeats, over and over, different persons, different timeline but it's a pattern.

It hurts to know you gave your heart and this person didn't care.

They did care, but in a irrational, damaged way you or I will never fully wrap our heads around (thank god). I don't think we are supposed to.

My ex called me the love of her life and dreamgirl in one breath and then a stalker, worst person she's known, in the next.

I was "blessed" to have met some of her exes. They were all cheated on... .with each other. All took her back many, many times. All of them, including me at the time, had no boundaries and poor self worth/value for ourselves.

I do believe we were a "need" until we weren't anymore. Usually when there is a replacement friend or lover they split us black and you won't hear from them. The only time they really think about you is when their new union is falling to hell and they need "soothing". This is very much like when a mom leaves the sight of their newborn and the newborn begins to cry... .object consistency. It doesn't really matter if the mom returns or someone else, as long as someone re-appears to "sooth" them.

I have more compassion now for my ex than I did years ago. I feel for her replacement who actually knew me and participated in the "cheating" on me. I know how this is going to go, I know this woman will be a broken mess eventually. They are engaged. We never got that far, I am so grateful we didn't, she would have sued me for all my hard earned money... .

She is a lawsuit happy gal!

I say this not out of bitterness. It's a realistic assessment. She uses people (who allow her to use them) and that works for her.

Why change a pattern when it's working?

I think in your situation you need to try to reframe your relationship and really look at it from the perspective that your ex was not functioning or thinking as you were in the relationship. It's easy to be angry but that only hurts us in the end. They are going about their lives, albeit sad ones that never end in real happiness.

  to you, Tiki.  Hang in there and keep posting!

PW

[tiki]

Some might care some might not, but I remember the day I actually said to her first "I hate you!"

She was menacingly pestering me everywhere I went in the house to get away from her derision. I kept shouting "Leave me alone! Please, leave me alone! Get out of my face!" As I was going downstairs with her trailing behind me telling me I am not a man and how could I let her son talk to her like that it just came out, "Leave me alone! I hate you!"

It didn't bother her. She'd make some sarcastic comments about it afterward like, "Oh, don't you remember you hate me? Oh, that's right... .I forgot you hate me." And it didn't take her more than a day or two to figure out a way for her to tell me she hated me, which I knew was coming. It was surprising it took that long.

I found the ultimate problem with my STBx was that words don't mean anything to her. They are just sounds mouths make when communicating. Hate, love, compassion, empathy, or what have you don't have any meaning when coming from me. All that matters to her is her feelings and thoughts about everyone and everything real or imagined.

What I say is only something for her to either talk over or do her mental gymnastics to beat me back over the head with. There's no ownership, no taking inventory, no mature debate. She just lashes out like a baby who isn't getting what it wants the second it wants it.

J

Hell yes to the feelings of others don’t matter. there was a time when my feelings were like little babies to him. It was almost more then I should have let a human being care for me. I should have realized it was too much. And then now my feelings don’t matter. It’s funy because he’s becoming friends and trying to date this girl and he told me I should be really kind if I see her because she is going through a hard time. He said it with like this voice of so much sympathy. And I thought interesting how that used to be my experience.

Another thing I thought was odd. He used to blame me for everything. And now I’m like this back to friendship person (he’s not obsessed with anymore) it’s almost as if he doesn’t care as much about all this stuff he said. He said i know I used to tell you I blamed you all the time but I never blamed you. I was like then what the hell why did you always tell me that. It’s so weird and then he proceeded to tell this story back to me they was so one sided. Like he wove blame into the story and distorted details and then he was like but I don’t blame you. Maybe I should but I don’t. It’s just the way I am. As if he’s above it. But he twisted a story to involve blame. While also admitting to verbally blaming me all the time While saying he actually never blamed me.

So yeah I guess the words aren’t what they seem to be. He still is distorting everything but he doesn’t seem to care to make these points anymore.

I’m actually kind of amused for some reason to see this shift that is occurring now. Because it’s so obvious. And also because I was so confused and it answers so many questions. I wonder if part of what was driving me so crazy was just not understanding.

But my point is that it almost seems like now that he has a new object it’s as if past words don’t matter as much. He actually said that he didn’t really believe any bad thing I ever said to me. It’s so weird because I’m stuck on those words because they drove me crazy. But I shouldn’t have been. They were just like what you said. Of course the narrative is still going to be changed and that’s ha. That’s just another thing.

[tiki]

Tiki,
  It repeats, over and over, different persons, different timeline but it's a pattern.

It hurts to know you gave your heart and this person didn't care.

They did care, but in a irrational, damaged way you or I will never fully wrap our heads around (thank god). I don't think we are supposed to.

My ex called me the love of her life and dreamgirl in one breath and then a stalker, worst person she's known, in the next.

I was "blessed" to have met some of her exes. They were all cheated on... .with each other. All took her back many, many times. All of them, including me at the time, had no boundaries and poor self worth/value for ourselves.

I do believe we were a "need" until we weren't anymore. Usually when there is a replacement friend or lover they split us black and you won't hear from them. The only time they really think about you is when their new union is falling to hell and they need "soothing". This is very much like when a mom leaves the sight of their newborn and the newborn begins to cry... .object consistency. It doesn't really matter if the mom returns or someone else, as long as someone re-appears to "sooth" them.

I have more compassion now for my ex than I did years ago. I feel for her replacement who actually knew me and participated in the "cheating" on me. I know how this is going to go, I know this woman will be a broken mess eventually. They are engaged. We never got that far, I am so grateful we didn't, she would have sued me for all my hard earned money... .

She is a lawsuit happy gal!

I say this not out of bitterness. It's a realistic assessment. She uses people (who allow her to use them) and that works for her.

Why change a pattern when it's working?

I think in your situation you need to try to reframe your relationship and really look at it from the perspective that your ex was not functioning or thinking as you were in the relationship. It's easy to be angry but that only hurts us in the end. They are going about their lives, albeit sad ones that never end in real happiness.

  to you, Tiki.  Hang in there and keep posting!

PW

Yes it’s so right on the same pattern I experienced. I was so confused while in but being shifted out it’s easier to see it. And it is just like many other peoples experience. They seem so fine now. And you see people are just this crutch. It’s just so funny how much the same it is. They use people so much.

It’s funny how much his taking me out of his life allows me so much more understanding.

Also thank you for the supportive words! This was a real low part of my life. I hit some low points.

[tiki]

Also I couldn’t understand why he even contacted me if he was kind of done.  I don’t know if maybe he was trying to kick something up or if it has anything to do with this girl. I guess he wanted to talk to me about his struggles in figuring out if she liked him. But everything else with him is so on the money but why would he say he wants to be friends still? Maybe he is able now because he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore? But I’m suspicious of his reasons. I don’t understand why he would want to be friends.

And this girl said she wasn’t ready yet for a relationship because she recently  experienced a hard ship but he is staying an adoring friend and hoping for more. So I don’t know if that has anything to do with why he is contacting me or wanting to stay friends. Because maybe he didn’t get more with her? I just don’t trust the reason. He truely doesn’t care like that anymore for me so why friends?

And I’m like this downgraded friend now. I’m not special person so it’s funny because it’s a very different experience. Do they actually really want to be friends with people. Just as friends? Are those healthier relationships?

[Pretty Woman]

I know this sounds crazy but I think hitting the low points helped me to see how strong I really am, and you are too! I had PTSD. That was terrifying, here I am this pretty healthy being and I am hyperventilating and anxious. I work with my ex's sister and all it took was seeing her across the cafeteria at our holiday lunch to trigger all my anxiety.

Up until a month ago I was still checking out my ex's page from a fake FB account (I am blocked). I am not doing that anymore because all of a sudden I don't care.

Well I care but I know I am so much healthier without her in my life.  The hardest part is getting past betrayal but I think once we get past that, it does get better. I had a few shady people in my life during the worst of my past relationship and all of them ALL I have eliminated or they did something toxic to sever our relationship.  I have amazing HONEST people in my life now. I think this is what personal growth means and it's not that bad!
 

[Chynna]

No, I really don't think it matters... .how they feel about you is paramount. My pwBPDbf most likely hates me because I'm his target. While I'm still pretty uncomfortable with all the (unnecessary) drama, pain, etc., etc., etc.,  I feel a general disgust by it all. But I don't hate him... .he's a 5 y/o.

[Pretty Woman]

Chynna,
   That is a great observation. They really are emotionally stunted and we tend to forget that. We try to rationalize things as if we are on the same playing field... .we aren't.

It's sometimes hard to wrap your head around because it's like dating a 3-5yo in an adult body.

[Chynna]

Hey PW... .yeah & being in the healthcare field, just wanted to "make things better". :0)

[tiki]

to you, Tiki.  Hang in there and keep posting!

PW

Thank you for the support. I feel so sensitive now for people who have been through this. Reading your story my eyes got tears because I know it feels and how you must have felt what I feel. It’s astonishing all that overlap. Ugh. Thanks for using your experience to help others.

[Pretty Woman]

Thanks, Tiki. It's a process and it doesn't happen overnight.
That actually is a blessing. I know for me, it helped me learn a lot about myself, what I was willing to tolerate and what I no longer will accept in my life.

Dating, surviving a BPD relationship is very eye-opening. You will learn a lot about yourself reading these boards, and know you are not alone. We have all been there and are going through this together. We will help you get through this rough patch. Don't give up... .we aren't giving up on you!