Our desire to hold onto impermanent things is the cause of suffering

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm looking for other's experience in any of the things mentioned in the title. I'm certainly not a convert to Buddhism and as a very scientifically minded person, I am sure that I never will be. However, I am always trying to open my mind to new ideas and new ways of thinking and so I have been reading about these things.

It seems to me that there are some lessons that I (and maybe others here) could learn from these teachings. In my interpretation of what I am reading the lessons that I could learn are about;

Understanding that everything in life is impermanent. In particular, our relationships with our ex partners with BPD were only temporary. Moreover, it is our desire to hold onto these impermanent things that is the ultimate cause of our suffering. If we could let go of our longing for a relationship with them, then most of our suffering would cease.

Additionally, I think I could benefit from letting go of the past, not worrying about the future and simply being happy in the moment right now.

The question I have to those who have experience in this, is how does one move from my default mentality and emotional state to a far more relaxed and less worrisome state? Can one just decide, right I am just going to be this way? Or is it a very gradually process of slowly letting go? I find myself very anxious about not being able to control as many aspects of my life as possible... .any thoughts?

Mod note: Topic moved to higher level board ~ Skip

[snowmonkey]

I'm looking for other's experience in any of the things mentioned in the title. I'm certainly not a convert to Buddhism and as a very scientifically minded person, I am sure that I never will be. However, I am always trying to open my mind to new ideas and new ways of thinking and so I have been reading about these things.

It seems to me that there are some lessons that I (and maybe others here) could learn from these teachings. In my interpretation of what I am reading the lessons that I could learn are about;

Understanding that everything in life is impermanent. In particular, our relationships with our ex partners with BPD were only temporary. Moreover, it is our desire to hold onto these impermanent things that is the ultimate cause of our suffering. If we could let go of our longing for a relationship with them, then most of our suffering would cease.

Additionally, I think I could benefit from letting go of the past, not worrying about the future and simply being happy in the moment right now.

The question I have to those who have experience in this, is how does one move from my default mentality and emotional state to a far more relaxed and less worrisome state? Can one just decide, right I am just going to be this way? Or is it a very gradually process of slowly letting go? I find myself very anxious about not being able to control as many aspects of my life as possible... .any thoughts?

Mod note: Topic moved to higher level board ~ Skip

[Mustbeabetterway]

snowmonkey, this is a great topic. 

One thing that I have read about and find some way to let go is to take an opposite action.  What I normally am inclined to do often is not the best course of action.  I think it is what you are referring to as "default" state.  For example,   I habitually ruminate.  Turning things over and over in my mind as if there were an answer.  I have found no reasonable answer to BPD behavior.  So, I have begun to stop my rumination in it's tracks.  I simply say this is not helpful and try to bring my mind to the present or to something pleasant.  There is a bible verse that I recall and think about.  "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is praiseworthy or excellent, think on those things."  Phillipians 4:8

My uBPDh and I have recently split up, lots of drama, threats, resulting in him pushing me out the front door and locking me out of our home.  Well now a few weeks have passed, and he is more calm.  In the past, I have always tried to reconcile - my default.  But, I no longer want to reconcile and see that it is not a tenable way to live and thrive.  I am turning my thoughts, words and actions into detachment.  One thing about the opposite action strategy is that you have to be all in.  Thoughts, actions, words have to match up. 

What do you think about taking the "opposite action" to get off of default?

 I like how you say that "our desire to hold on to impermanent things is our cause of suffering", it fits.  As I mentioned, I have a difficult time letting go.  But, one cannot hold on and let go at the same time.

I am beginning to practice meditation.  Maybe let go should be my new mantra.

What have others here tried?

[Skip]

Really well said.

Our desire to hold onto impermanent things is the cause of our suffereing

[Lucky Jim]

I find myself very anxious about not being able to control as many aspects of my life as possible... .any thoughts?

Hey snowmonkey, Trying to control things that are out of one's control is bound to be stressful and anxiety-producing.  Instead, letting go of the outcome, I find, is a healthier approach.  Let me give you an example.  It used to drive me crazy when my kids would ignore or decline to respond to email or voicemail messages from me.  One day it dawned on me that reaching out to my kids was the expression of my love for them, and that their response, or lack of one, was beside the point for me.  I learned to let go of the outcome.  Sometimes they get back to me; sometimes not, but it doesn't bother me either way these days.

LuckyJim

[MeandThee29]

This has been a biggie for me lately.

When you marry, there's no guarantee that it will be good and long-lasting. There's no guarantee that your partner won't have or develop mental health issues.

Letting go of things like that was very much a part of my healing.

I agree with Lucky Jim that we have to let go of outcomes. Our ability to control is very limited.

[I Am Redeemed]

Additionally, I think I could benefit from letting go of the past, not worrying about the future and simply being happy in the moment right now.

The question I have to those who have experience in this, is how does one move from my default mentality and emotional state to a far more relaxed and less worrisome state? Can one just decide, right I am just going to be this way? Or is it a very gradually process of slowly letting go? I find myself very anxious about not being able to control as many aspects of my life as possible... .any thoughts?

Mod note: Topic moved to higher level board ~ Skip

It is absolutely a process. We cannot control what emotions we experience. We can, however, control what we do when we experience those emotions. We can choose what we think about, which has the potential to affect our mood.

One thing that I have read about and find some way to let go is to take an opposite action.  What I normally am inclined to do often is not the best course of action.  I think it is what you are referring to as "default" state.  For example,   I habitually ruminate.  Turning things over and over in my mind as if there were an answer.  I have found no reasonable answer to BPD behavior.  So, I have begun to stop my rumination in it's tracks.  I simply say this is not helpful and try to bring my mind to the present or to something pleasant.  There is a bible verse that I recall and think about.  "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is praiseworthy or excellent, think on those things."  Phillipians 4:8

It's called "thought-stopping". However, it's not enough to stop the unwanted thought. As mustbeabetterway mentioned thinking about the Bible verse, the negative thoughts must be replaced with positive ones.
It takes practice.
Accept the things you cannot change, have the courage to change what you can, and strive for the wisdom to know the difference.

[Jeffree]

The older I get the more I realize what little control I have of almost anything in my life. It's to the point that in order for me to change my life for the better now, I actually have to let go of almost all my preconceived notions and see what happens. I'm pretty much at rock bottom because of all I tried to do to control outcomes and now have to move away from it all.

J

[Bo123]

Read some of the great Philosophers.  Things may not be what they seem.  Best wishes.

[MeandThee29]

Read some of the great Philosophers.  Things may not be what they seem.  Best wishes.

I agree. I've also found it helpful to focus on the blessings that I do have. Yes, life hasn't turned out the way I expected and is a bit chaotic, but experience shows that it won't always be this way. We have a lot of friends that get what we've been through, and my side of the family is 100% supportive.

[steelwork]

The question I have to those who have experience in this, is how does one move from my default mentality and emotional state to a far more relaxed and less worrisome state? Can one just decide, right I am just going to be this way? Or is it a very gradually process of slowly letting go? I find myself very anxious about not being able to control as many aspects of my life as possible... .any thoughts?

snowmonkey, this is a great topic! I am not at all a model for anyone, but I did get some crucial relief from meditating in the first few months after my breakup. I was gently prodded by a friend who has been practicing zen buddhism for over forty years. We began with several long conversations, just about ideas. Rapping about what it means to feel something or think something, and what it means to occupy the present moment. How to take good-bad evaluations out of the picture when considering how we feel. These were, like, two hour conversations where the beats-per-minute of the back and forth dropped until the conversations themselves were a way of meditating. I was very resistant to some of the ideas I thought I was hearing, but after a few long conversations I gave meditating a try anyhow, and what I felt was: sanity. I didn't keep up with it and this thread is inspiring me to go back to it.

But to answer the above question: I think it might help to think about little stretches of time rather than a whole new you. Because one of the really helpful concepts is presence in the moment. Many meditation techniques zero in on this. You give attention to your breathing, or the sounds around you, or how it feels where your butt touches the floor. One benefit of this attention-giving is to anchor you in the moment you are living, and to put your stressors in perspective. This is not brain training; it's about taking care of yourself in a basic way. It will leave you feeling less upset, calmer, rejuvenated. And the effect lasts for a while, but not forever--which is why a regular practice is a good idea.

It's also possible to do this just in a few stolen moments during the day. On the subway between stops, even.

My main point is that I don't know that hanging onto an idea of self-improvement is the best application, because after all that is living in the future rather than the present.

Oh--re. science and buddhism. I heard a very interesting interview with a biologist named Robert Wright who wrote a book called Why Buddhism is True. Have not picked up the book. But maybe look for the interview if you're interested. I think it was on Fresh Air.

[Lucky Jim]

The Serenity Prayer speaks to this issue, too.  LJ

[snowmonkey]

Thanks to all that have answered.

Steelwork, I really think you've given me some things to ponder over. Even though I am doing meditation and trying to think deeply about these things, I guess I'm coming at it from the wrong angle. I've been trying to make a better me and possibly with the mindset that if I do so, then some of my desires for the future are more likely to come to fruition. But as you say, this is NOT being mindful and being in the present... .this is about me planning for the future. The opposite of mindfulness. And yes, I've watched a youtube show entitled Why buddhism is true, very interesting. I hope you manage to get back into meditation if you find it helpful.

LJ, in the past i've read the serenity prayer many times... .although I wouldn't say that I've prayed it. It does bring some moments of peace.

I guess the theme that is coming from this is an understanding that I can not possibly reach a place in life in which I will have no worries, no issues and no difficult times. Happiness is transitory and it doesn't matter how many years of hard work I do, I will never be at a point where I never have another concern. So, mindfulness is a tool for dealing with stress and angst of everyday life... .At least, that is how I'm viewing things at the moment.

[MeandThee29]

LJ, in the past i've read the serenity prayer many times... .although I wouldn't say that I've prayed it. It does bring some moments of peace.

I guess the theme that is coming from this is an understanding that I can not possibly reach a place in life in which I will have no worries, no issues and no difficult times. Happiness is transitory and it doesn't matter how many years of hard work I do, I will never be at a point where I never have another concern. So, mindfulness is a tool for dealing with stress and angst of everyday life... .At least, that is how I'm viewing things at the moment.

I have the serenity prayer hanging in my office. I read it out loud to myself to re-center when I begin struggling.

The folks posting here aren't in an ideal place to be. I never pictured myself here, not at all. A mentor of mine that is the same age retired two years ago and just bought a large motor home because their house is paid for. I'm job-hunting and trying to find a rental house as we prepare the family home for sale. So I have to work to enjoy the moments, but it brings peace. I have a lot to be thankful for.