Bad fight over sex - maybe TMI - sorry

[isilme]

I don't know if this is a combination of him being fed up with me being sick (there is a time limit on empathy for it), nerves about Valentine's, and him feeling sick himself, but it was ugly.

So, I've been pretty sick all this winter.  I went to the local quick ER for what they figured was a sinus infection coming from cold #3 since New Years.  I've been scared it was actually developing into pneumonia, as I have a predilection for such infections, have been sleeping on the couch because of my cough and trying to get past a fever even after days on antibiotics.  Saturday, after 5 days on medication, I still felt horrible, still had a low fever, but could feel the infection changing if that makes sense - I still felt bad, but a different bad - cough changed, did not improve per say, was still having a hard time feeling like I got enough breath, fever was still there, but it had shifted ever so slightly to where I was not worried I needed to go back to the clinic Monday.     

H indicated he was feeling, frisky repeatedly through the day.  I had similar feelings but at the same time felt kinda like poop - not sure if this can correlate for others - interested in sex, but your body is worn out, tired, and might start coughing randomly.  He's also still having ED issues, and makes derogatory statements about it and himself at least once a day.  I find these comments to be mixed signals, and often he throws a jab in them at me, as if I am the one trying to make him feel bad.  I am not.  I know I am probably failing at it, but I am trying to be as sensitive about it, supportive about it as I can figure out how to be.  At least once a week he insists I will "go somewhere else for what I need since he can't give it to me, it's only a matter of time".  I know a lot of this is BPD, and I tend to ignore things to which I can't respond.  It still stings, but it's his reality and I can't shake him out of it.

Anyway, night comes, I feel like things might be okay to be as intimate as we are able, and it would be nice even though I am worn out and very tired, and my skin is still on the sensitive side from fever, suggest going to bed, he wants to be on the couch.  Basically, I thought things were going fine, relaxed, slow, but he thought I was "sending him "no' signals", and "complaining" and not being "passionate" enough. got frustrated, abruptly broke things off, confusing me, and said that since I'm not really into it he's hurt and offended and not continuing.  He does this often.  If I move when he accidentally tickles me - its invalidation.  If I move his hands somewhere I would like them, or press them more firmly to me, it's invalidation.  If I move too much, I am fidgeting, but if I lie there passively, I am a "dead fish" and a terrible lover.  I tried to quickly assuage his assertations, but all that really does is JADE.  He gets mad, storms off, vague threats and rants of hos he won't be in a sexless marriage, how I need to watch porn to learn to be sensual, and how I just suck in general, have let myself go, don't try to take care of myself, how I need to not complain the whole time during sex, a gamut of things.

I don't recall complaining, other than one mention that I was cold.  In his mind I apparently complained the whole time. The whole 5-10 minutes from when we sat down to him storming off. 

Anyway.  I did not do well.  I shouted back, I grabbed his arm to keep him from walking off as I was talking, told him it was rude to have his say and never stand still and listen to mine.  Then I finally stated that he LOOKS for negatives because he has negative feelings about sex in general, and assumes incorrectly how I am feeling.  And this was the gist of the rest of the night and a yelling match the next day.  I said he looks for the worst in everything and then has negative images of himself that he tries to blame on me, but it's what's in HIS head, not mine, and that it colors ALL his feelings about things.  I pointed out how he daily makes statements about how he's ugly, mean, unattractive, worthless, a loser, not a man, is a child.  I don't make these statements and don't believe them (most of them - the child is part of the BPD coming out).  I know BPD makes him need to blame these feelings on me, but I am tired of hearing them each and every damn day.

His final assessment - I am a terrible lover who gives off all negative signals no matter how I feel on the inside and that it is my job to learn to read his assessment of my body language and change it all to make sure he see "yes".  He's not supposed to read my mind and know I am not complaining, I am supposed to learn when he is interpreting things as complaining and just not do them - even those these things change day to day.

My argument (yes, I should know better than to argue, but damn it I am sick, very tired, and feel I may have barely dodged a hospital stay).  I can't be responsible for his feelings and interpretations of my actions based on his feelings.  I can only act as honestly as I am able based on MY feelings - If I am not angry, then I don't see how I can be giving off so many vibes I am angry.  And once you tell me that is your perception, why is talking to me and learning nope - not mad, not enough?  He applies this to many things.  I drop something on accident - he takes it as I must have thrown it in anger.  How can I be responsible for that?  I ask a question because I either could not hear him or was not sure of his preference - he sees that as challenging him or trying to tell him he's wrong. 

I made myself sicker yesterday, he is also feeling sick, likely from one of the colds I've had or that we've been passing around.  yesterday I tried a peace offering of breakfast but he was in a silent rage mood and said he did not want my eggs, he was not eating or taking his medications that day, why bother.  I know it was meant to hurt me, but it did. 

I know his health is making him feel terrible.  I know he is in physical pain, daily.  I know the ED hurts his ego deeply.  I know BPD is there making it all worse on so many levels.   try to temper my reactions to this knowledge.  But I am tired.  I don't feel happy.  I don't usually even feel sad, mad, much of anything other than tired.  I know this is a hallmark of depression.  Yesterday and today, I have been crying over and over - I don't feel good shouting, or pointing out how his poor self-image is the root cause of so much of his unhappiness - but I am tired of the negative refrain.  How can I possibly take care of myself when he fights me on it?  When he accuses me of trying to go exercise to pick up guys?  When he won't clean, so I get to work full time, clean, try to cook healthy meals, run errands, AND try to find time to exercise and keep up with the house?  When I can't find time to go to the MD myself to find out why allergy medication no longer works for me, so I am stuck wearing my glasses instead of contact that get gooey in a few hours of use?  I am tired.  I am sure my tiredness is not helping my body drop those pounds. 

Today he made a big deal of packing his own lunch and breakfast - good, made us later than usual, and prolly won't last.  I'm sorry.  I feel bad for shouting.  I feel bad for pretty much laying it out there that his emotions are skewed and I am not responsible for them.  He won't accept that, and all that ended up yesterday was both of us finally agreeing we did not want another night/day like that.  Which I suppose is something.

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[ArleighBurke]

I am so sorry... .  BPDs certainly don't make it easy for us to love them.

(You have over 2000 posts, so you're not new. I'd like to read your history but I don't have time. Apologies if I tell you stuff you already know... .)

I've been in similar situations with my ex-BPDwife - where NOTHING sexually I do is correct. I guess sex is a very emotionally raw act - so it makes sense it affects/disturbs them the most.

You are completely right - that what is in a BPDs head is all about how THEY perceive the world. I tried a few times with my ex going through a thought exercise - I attacked it from a few different angles. We were driving one day and someone sped past us only slightly faster than the limit and cut us off. My ex got angry over that - yelled about how inconsiderate people were. That night I tried to suggest reasons for the driver's behaviour. "If you knew that the driver had their sick child in the back seat, and were going to emergency, would you still feel angry at their driving skills?". She agreed that knowing that would probably change her response. So I asked - "Why do you ASSUME that the driver was just an idiot? Why is that you default belief? Are you able to change your default belief to one of trust? Are you able to have the default belief that people are good, have good intentions, and trying to do the right thing. If so, then when you get cutoff you wouldn't feel annoyed. You may find out later that the driver is just an idiot, then you'll fell annoyed - but initially you will assume good."  She REALLY didn't like that - I think because I was telling her that SHE had control over her responses to situations by changeing herself and her beliefs. This brought the responsibility of her emotions back to her.  And BPDs don't like knowing they are responsbile for their own emotions... .

It would be hard for him having BPD, a sick wife, AND ED problems. As a hopefully quite normal male, any 2 of those would really throw me around, let alone all 3.

[isilme]

This brought the responsibility of her emotions back to her.  And BPDs don't like knowing they are responsbile for their own emotions... .

No - they don't.  I got a lot of how I am not a "perfect communicator" and he IS (never claimed to be, just said it's unlikely I am always giving off angry or mean vibes when that does not correlate at all to my feelings).  I just get tired of it being dumped on me, his actual words, to read his mind and manage his emotions.  I feel that I try really hard to be mindful of his issues, to not do things that I KNOW would feel like slights, but always wonder if I am trying enough.  I can't help the perceived slights that I'm not even aware he took offense to, until he blows up.  Must be nice to know everyone else is at fault for everything bad you feel.

We have his check up coming up soon.  I am trying to work out questions we need to ask - I never seem to ask enough when we are there and he gets so... .formal?  Uptight?  I dunno.  He tries to say it doesn't bother him to talk to the MD, and then tells me how he knows she's thinking poorly of him all at once.  To him, there is no discrepancy in that statement.  She has stated that good sugar management can result in a recovery of sorts for his issues, not just ED but the foot pain and other neuropathic areas hurting daily.  But I never asked for a time-frame - like, is 6 months far too soon to expect anything?  If it took 2 years to realize its onset, will it take at least two years to feel any recovery?  Why won't medication for the ED seem to do the trick?  What else is there?  Could he have prostate problems?  Would that lead to his recent incidents of kidney/ bladder stones and UTIs?  Can we get imaging to see if the nerve damage is visible and know where it's sitting?  And we need to take in the stones he's saved for analysis so we can know what to avoid in food and drink.

Not being able to rely on food as comfort - trigger. 
Me being sick - this triggers him. 
He is likely sick - another trigger. 
Sex - trigger. 
Lack of sex - trigger. 
Valentines' day - trigger. 
Missed traveling to see his mom on her birthday - this would have been a trigger going or not.  His parents' health issues, a lot of which are due to their inactivity and poor management, depress him and "assure his future". 
A freelance project HE agreed to do - trigger "I hate having to work when I get out of work." 
His 3 month MD visit coming - trigger, as he believes she will be mad at him for not being perfect in his sugar management and exercise over the holidays and worst part of a really bad winter.  I tell him, she's seen this and it is likely a normal cycle, for people to get a little off when it's too cold to do much outside cold/flu season, AND everyone baked crap and brought it to work season. 

Yesterday and today, I have felt a deep, sorrowful need to cry.  I am not feeling sorry for me and how heated and yes, violent, the argument got - usually I can get one good cry and get that all out, alone (crying is "manipulative" when I do it in front of him).  He got scary violent for a moment.  He also ended up crying a few times about how messed up he feels as "not a man".  I feel like I am in mourning.  I don't know what is wrong with ME.  How do I help him?  I cannot manage his emotions for him.  I try to be optimistic/at least realistic.  I DO try to watch my actions, to TRY to not invalidate, to not JADE (biggest challenge, still).  And I know this is all just going to happen when his teapot is full.  I don't expect the BPD to go away.  I know the other issues won't magic themselves away, either.  But today, yesterday, my cup feels so empty.  I am giving what I have to give, and I tired.  I am joining a caregiver site for SOs of ppl with Diabetes to see if anyone there has direct information maybe that can help me see what else I can do. 

[ArleighBurke]

I spent years thinking that if I did everything right, if I supported my wife the right way, if I didn't JADE, if I SET properly, that I would be able to make her "better". It was not a conscious thought, but in reflection I definitely had that view. But I can't. Nothing I do will make things better. I can stop making them worse, but at the end of the day she will always have BPD.

You seem to realise that to.

So then I entered the next phase. And that was a kind of feeling sorry for her. I imagine it's just the same as the transtions of your children from being kids to being adults. You want the best for them, you don't want them to be hurt, but you also have to allow them to choose their own path. You may disagree, you may think their actions are stupid and self defeating, but nothing you say will sway them - sometimes they need to fail. And they may fail repeatedly. Hopefully they will learn, but sometimes they won't.

I look at my BPD wife and see just how amazing a person she *could* be, with just a few small tweaks. But she is not willing or possibly not able to make those changes. As much as I want her to be happy and enjoy life, to look after herself and have good health - my will cannot ever make that happen. She needs to choose it.

At some point, you have to accept that he is in charge of his life. And even if you think the way he lives it is "wrong", he's doing the best he can. You cannot help him until he WANTS helps (not when he SAYS he wants help - but when he truely WANTS it). Until then - radical acceptance.  You have to be detached enough to still be able to be supportive, but not own it.

Allowing your kids to make mistakes and grow up - just like allowing him to make mistakes - and for you to "just stand by and watch" is difficult. Painful. But you need to. Let go of what could be, let go of what you think he should do, and allow him to run his life. I don't know how you detach. I don't know how you accept that you are not responsibile for him. But I know you need to.