Pretty sure that I have the scariest mother in the world & and I'm stuck

[Clarityat38]

I don't think I've ever been so happy to find people who are going to understand, not only what is happening with me as an individual, but also my efforts to reclaim some portion of my life. It's still sad to me that so many have been cheated out of the parents they deserved. I'm not to a point yet where I don't blame my mother for the memories I have. If she does have BPD, it's going to take a LOT of reading and study to make me understand how that could make her subject her children to so much physical and emotional pain.
I'm going back & forth between the BPD & narcissism for a couple of reasons. 1) if she didn't like a person for whatever reason (how they dressed, because they smoked, because Xs a million) is that momma has always been able to make people, even total strangers, so aware of her haughty dislike that the AIR would get uncomfortable! 2} I don't think I've ever seen her express genuine empathy. I've seen her pretend to be sad or to feel bad for someone else, but the only time I've ever known her to send a tear is when she knows she's run out of food with a person and thinks there might be some negative impact to her personal comfort level. Examples: January of 2015 my granddad passed away. He was my step dad's father but had been in my life since I was 6. My step dad came from a home where his momma was home with him and his daddy worked. Nanny & Papa were married for 50 years, so he also grew up with a conviction that marriage is a lifetime commitment. Papa cancer and right for several years. Around Thanksgiving the year he died, we were going to have a big supper at Nanny and Papa's house because family had driven in from out of state to see everyone. After we've all sat down and conversation started, like always, you could hear my mother over everyone else. She was determined to drowned out Papa's voice. I'm not really sure how it came about but I had him say "Because she's a doctor", the 'she' being mother.
I felt like I was watching a train wreck about to happen. I am positive that if she had been close enough that evening, she would have jumped on him physically! As it was, she jumps out the of the chair and started screaming at him that no she isn't a doctor but she still knows... .Whatever it was and that she didn't have to stay there and put up with him talking to her that way. She was going to her GD house!
Now, I know that's not completely all if you look at just the words, but when you add that he was MAKING himself sit at the table with his kids and grandkids because he knew like we all did that was his last year or that he was about 70lbs under weight and stooped in his shoulders? It should've been easy enough to sit there and shut up. He did the very same day, the very same hour my son was born. Papa died at 4 p.m. and my son was born at 4:46. While I'm in labor, she comes across the room and she needs to let me know he's gone. She said it loud enough that every person in the suite heard. The next day, all the same staff came back to say they were sorry. Two of them I knew from high school and if she always tried so hard to look like she cared about something. They were total strangers to her. Because they knew the week before that he was going to be gone any time my step dad has spent a good bit of time at his family home. She actually called him the day after the funeral because she decided he'd spent enough time there and needed to be taking care of things at his own house.
What sort of person can possibly think that's acceptable behavior? Even if we assume that Papa & mother couldn't stand one another (which wasn't the case) there is still an expectation of decorum on behalf of your site, for crying out loud! My husband's father passed away in January of this year. Because they live in another country, I had never met the man, but I still cried for my husband's heart, for his family. She never offered condolences once for my husband.
She controlled me and my two older sisters with pain and fear and intimidation. A "spanking" was actually a beating until we were on the floor in the fetal position at her feet. She would get right in our faces and gritó hervteeth as she said things like she would make us wish we'd never been born. We were slapped in the face, had shoes thrown at us, yanked around the house by our hair.
We're supposed to have a sit down in a week when my DAD is back because she gotten to the point that she expects me to make a 30mile round trip to the grocery store for her every day, if I don't answer the phone, she is down here in less than a minute beating on the door so hard, the pics on either side will shake! If I pull out of the yard, she calls to see why, where and with who, gets mad because I go to visit a friend instead of coming to her house... .And it's CONSTANT. If she sees that my step dad is sitting down, she finds things for him to do and if he says no, she's screams, hits, kicks, punches him. Now, he gets up with sun and stays outside all day just to stay away. Until I started googling, I thought she was either just mean to the core of a psycho. I'm afraid to have the sit down with her because, even though we are going to explain how things will go with OUR family & and they're all normal things most people don't even question, someone telling HER how things will go? Doesn't go over well with her.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Clarityat38! 

What an expressive name you've chosen!  I like it. Yes, we are an online family where you will find so many others who, like you, grew up with a pwBPD. So many of us adult children are on this journey to understanding ourselves and our childhood and how it affected us. Sometimes I found it to be scary and unsettling as each discovery was/is made. Yet with the understanding comes the opportunity to choose a different way and to unlearn the past. To finally experience life with it's colors and beauty instead of fear all the time is incredible! It is worth the journey of healing. Where would you say you find yourself on the list to the right hand side of our board? ------>> > If you click on a sentence there will be more to read.

The behaviors your mom showed are not so different than those I grew up with. So much blame, and the voices we hear we begin to believe. Those take time to overcome. Here is a link that describes some of the common behaviors typically seen:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

Do you know which one you would say describes your mom?

 
Wools

[Mutt]

Hi Clarityat38,



I’d like to join Woolspinner2000 and welcome you to bpdfamily, I’m glad that you decided to join us.

It's still sad to me that so many have been cheated out of the parents they deserved. I'm not to a point yet where I don't blame my mother for the memories I have.

I’m sorry that you list your childhood you and your sisters went through so
E terrible experiences  This is a safe place where you can share your thoughts and feelings with being judged or invalidated for having them.

It’s a process to get to a point where you don’t blame your parent and the group is here to listen and to offer advice.

You are right, reading about the disorder will help you to depersonalize the behaviours. Be indifferent to BPD behaviours you neither like it or hate it. That’s more the end goal validating you and your feelings come beforehand.

He did the very same day, the very same hour my son was born. Papa died at 4 p.m. and my son was born at 4:46. While I'm in labor, she comes across the room and she needs to let me know he's gone. She said it loud enough that every person in the suite heard.

I’m sorry to hear that. I can’t imagine being in labour and getting the news shortly thereafter that a loved one passed away. It’s terrible how that was delivered to you, you mentioned empathy and this is a good example, she couldn’t put herself in your shoes and put her needs on pause for you

She actually called him the day after the funeral because she decided he'd spent enough time there and needed to be taking care of things at his own house.

Im sorry that that happened to your step dad. Wow that’s another display where she didn’t put herself in someone else’s shoes.

You mentioned reading earlier I just wanted to yo add to the lessons that Woolspinner2000 pointed out check out some of the other discussions you might see resemblances with your story, it helps to share with others. You’re not alone.

 Do you talk to your sisters about mom?