Lost my best friend and I need help to figure this out.

[soontobemd]

first id like to apologize if this is the wrong forum.

For 7 long years I was in a relationship with a very good girl. We were really young and naive 14-16. When it all started everything was great with loved each other as any normal teenagers do. Then the relationship started to turn somewhat toxic because we had really strong personalities. 2 years into that relationship she tried to commit suicide I am unclear as to why to this day we had a big argument and she took some pills because she wanted to get it over with. She was hospitalized and then sent to a mental hospital i kept in contact with her until one day she told me to not look for her again. There were some legal issues so i respected it and went away. 8 months later I received an email from her she was basically saying how sorry she was because she started a relationship with someone else. I immediately told her to meet me so that we could talk and that we did she left her boyfriend which i later learned was giving her all kinds of pills and drugs and just feeding her all that. and this is was my biggest mistake telling her that i didnt want her to see those friends again she was with her bf for a month or so and in that time and being 15 she hit the bottom. In my opinion people who do drugs with you are not your friends.  This also lead to her blaming me for leaving and abandoning her even though she told me to do so.

Fast forward 2 year we were doing great still fought from time to time as any people do. Out of the blue she tells me she has feelings for this co worker which happens to be a girl and 3 weeks prior to we moving out of the country to go study she leaves me cold turkey dosnt speak to me because she wanted a relationship with this girl. I was shocked and destroyed. We got back together after a month because ofc she was alone in here. Spent 2 more years together and she just recently did it again. Now our relationship has had some trust issues mostly due to my childish behavior i sexted with some girls and she found out so the trust issues are there also i was very jelous. Last time  we had a big argument was about 8 months ago and I completely stopped doing that it was meaningless for me but ofc it killed her trust for me even tho she forgave me.

We broke up and the same day she met this individual in a chat with her brother and she immediately discarded me from her life.This person is literally on the other side of the world so they would only have contact thru the phone  unless he visits. We didnt have a dramatic break up nor we fought and days prior we were buying tickets for a cruise. Everything seemed fine until  she snapped worst part of all this is that a week after she breaks up with me she calls me hysterical amd crying to tell me shes pregnant. I told her i would  assume responsability but she opted for an abortion ofc i have no say in this.

Anyways reading all the posts here I believe im the person she recycles all my family and friends always told me that there is something just not right with her and i never  believed them but she keeps doing  it over and over I was truly commited to her I only  slipped that once Im not a bad person i always pushed her to be someone great in life she even switched her major to become a physician like me. I was always there for her and its horrible to think that she dosnt even think about me just left  one day and no matter how much I pleaded or changed she just left. Up until the last day she never said that she didnt love me on the contrary she even said that maybe in the future when we grow we could try again to have a kid but i know its all false. And i keep having this feeling that she will come back and im not strong  enough to tell her to go away and i need help to do so.  Im so terribly sorry for the long post. I basically isolated all my friends and I am alone going thru this. There are so many details that i left out in order to make it shorted but i would gladly answer any questions

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi soontobemd and welcome.  

It sounds like the person is very important to you but has left you feeling like she doesn't value the relationship the way you do. That can be very heartbreaking.

Here you can find a supportive community for coping with relationships with people who have BPD or BPD traits. What aspects of her behavior led you to this forum? Was it your relationship with her that caused you to isolate friends and family?

~ROE

[Radcliff]

soontobemd,

I'm so sorry to hear of the difficult situation you are in, but am glad you've found us.  To have that turbulent of a relationship at such a young age certainly is a lot to deal with.  This is a good place to find support.

Am I understanding correctly that you'd like some help and support to stay strong on a course of healing from the relationship and not going back?

WW

[soontobemd]

Hi soontobemd and welcome.  

It sounds like the person is very important to you but has left you feeling like she doesn't value the relationship the way you do. That can be very heartbreaking.

Here you can find a supportive community for coping with relationships with people who have BPD or BPD traits. What aspects of her behavior led you to this forum? Was it your relationship with her that caused you to isolate friends and family?

~ROE

She was diagnosed with depression and she simply stopped seeing the psychiatrists because her mother didnt think it was necesary she went to a mental institution for a week after she tried to kill herself.  The way that she completely blamed me for everything wrong in her life. At first we thought that she was bipolar and that was in mania or hypo mania the first time she left to be with a girl because of how sudden it was and just one week she liked her the other she was ready to give up on her dreams to be with her. Also her anger she has some serious anger issues but again they were always blamed on me and me alone. She is also really impulsive hardly ever does she thinks before she acts .

 Yes the relationship with her caused some isolation, it was only us in a dorm room where we spent a little over 2 years basically only seeing or hangin out only with each other and sometimes rarely we would go out with my family.

But what really troubled me is that this decision to just kick me out of her life was done out of anger and in the heat of the momment when i confronted her about the posibility of her not being well mentally. I also asked her where her self respect went and my jealousies rised up again because of how quickly she was moving on to the next guy which was probably not the best idea or thing for me to say because that completely triggered her. and after that she completely went no contact with me and havnt heard from her in a week.

[soontobemd]

soontobemd,

I'm so sorry to hear of the difficult situation you are in, but am glad you've found us.  To have that turbulent of a relationship at such a young age certainly is a lot to deal with.  This is a good place to find support.

Am I understanding correctly that you'd like some help and support to stay strong on a course of healing from the relationship and not going back?

WW

If im completely honest as far as what i want i dont really know. We seemed to be fine planning a trip less dan 4 days before the break up and she was genuinly excited we even made plans to go to medical school and i believed that we had been together for so long that i even bought a ring ofc she broke up with me and i only told her days after when we were still in the limbo. She kept telling me "idk what im doing" "im trying so hard to move on from you but i cant" So this no contact could only mean that she did.  I believe the relationship at this momment in time is not fixable maybe it is and im willing to put all the effort in the world but shes not so i really cant do anything I did it all sent her countless emails but she seems to have shut down 8 years in a couple of days. And apparently is moving on with that person half way across the globe.

I would definetely like to move on but if she were to call me right at this momment I would go back to her and that truly saddens me because im willing to give my everything to fix what we had. But its hard to move on because this is not the first time she has done this it would be the third and maybe the third one is the last one. The first time she left she ended up in a pretty bad state doing things that were not at all like her and i just dont want to see someone with such potential waste her life away or maybe shes fine and happier than ever and dosnt even remember my name.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi soontobemd, thanks for sharing more details.

One strong aspect of BPD relationships that a lot of us on here talk about is inconsistency and instability. Things seem fine one moment and then we are being told they want a breakup the next. Whether or not your friend receives a formal BPD diagnosis, coping with this kind of behavior can be extremely difficult for the other person who is often committed and doesn't understand the constant changing.

It's also very easy to be consumed by this whirlwind behavior and begin neglecting ourselves. I suggest you have a look at some of the workshops in the Tools and Skills board for resources on how to build your own emotional strength in the face of the other person's instability. People here are often surprised to learn how much we can control in situations that we thought we completely out of our control.

Beyond the friends / family issues, have the problems effected your studies?

ROE 

[pearlsw]

Hi soontobemd,

Just jumping in... .there is a lot going on. I hear that you are confused about being together or not. Part of you would keep going, another part says you would "definitely like to move on."

Are you going to be living in different places because of school? Do you have a network of friends you can be closer with at this time to help keep your world big and your focus off of her a bit?

Please take the time to think very carefully how all of this could affect your concentration with your studies. What is the best thing for *you* at this time?

take care, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Second pearlsw that self care needs to come first before you can attend to this relationship.

Here are a workshop I found very helpful to learning how to better care for myself first:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0

ROE

[Radcliff]

soontobemd, I was in a relationship with a pwBPD in my teens and early twenties as well.  Eight years is a long time.  It totally makes sense that for it to be hard to let that go, and you must have had some amazing, close, loving times at a very important time in your life.

In intense relationships like that, it can be difficult to sort out where one person ends and the other begins.  The term for this is "enmeshment."  To understand more about enmeshment, you may want to look at this thread on the Dangers of Enmeshment and this thread on Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence.  I'm not saying that you were enmeshed, but I remember that enmeshment describes my BPD relationship in those years very well, so I thought I'd mention it as food for thought.

Where I'm going with this is that it may take you some time to become "unenmeshed," re-establishing your own identity without her.  As you do this, your perspective on things may change.

Another thing that strongly characterized my relationship in those years was "rescuing" and a poor sense of boundaries.  I felt responsible for "saving" my girlfriend from any pain she might be experiencing.  These urges can sometimes pull us back into a relationship that is not meeting our needs.

One thing you might want to do now that you have some space, is to think about what you want out of a relationship going forward.  If you were to be with someone for a few decades, what would you be looking for?  I am sure there are many wonderful aspects of your most recent relationship that you'd like to capture, but perhaps some other things you would like to be different.  It is tough to think about these things when you are in the heat of a relationship.  Now is a good time for reflection.

What are your thoughts on enmeshment, boundaries, rescuing, and what you want out of a future relationship?  (That's a long list, feel free to pick and choose what is most helpful to respond to, this is not an exam  )

WW

[soontobemd]

Hi soontobemd,

Just jumping in... .there is a lot going on. I hear that you are confused about being together or not. Part of you would keep going, another part says you would "definitely like to move on."

Are you going to be living in different places because of school? Do you have a network of friends you can be closer with at this time to help keep your world big and your focus off of her a bit?

Please take the time to think very carefully how all of this could affect your concentration with your studies. What is the best thing for *you* at this time?

take care, pearl.

Yes i will be staying in a different  place and no network of friends besides some online friends i mostly play with. Im a medical student with a very limited social circle and she was my everything, best friend, girlfriend study buddy everything.

It affected me for a while but I like to believe i have my priorities straight. I quickly recovered from the shock of it because of how sudden it was and got back on track with school work.

Its the part of letting go and coming back that is destroying me because she goes completely radio silent. and i always hear back from her when something bad happened. Also the fact that she can cut me off like that knowing how much she means to me its something that i cant wrap my head around. Even though this is not the first time she has done it Im not used to it.

Its at a point were i am begginging to despise myself for not knowing how to stop caring about her and having this clearly one sided connection. All the lies and fake promises that were told right to my face. I cannot or do not know how to cut someone from my life like that and for someone to do it with such ease is just impressive. I feel like I lost so much time caring and loving someone that decided i am no longer part of her life in the blink of an eye.

Sadly we go to the same school again in september  and i feel like any progress of forgetting her I make its going to be destroyed once i see her. I know myself very well and ive shared so much and been thru so much with her. I dont have that super power to turn off a switch and forget about my past 8 years.

I also have this thought that maybe she is well and i am the problem. That all the things she did are right and im the one who is wrong for clinging to someone that dosnt want me in the first place or swore she did but dosnt anymore.

[pearlsw]

Hi soontobemd,

You are not alone. This is crazy-making behavior that is so strong it can affect your sense of reality. I have dealt with such threats for seven years now and it is always confusing.

We're human. We get attached. Love is very powerful and a big draw for us. It is though, just a thought, stories we tell ourselves, and with a lot, lot, lot of work you can gain more control over your own thoughts and feelings. You can learn to observe them and not get so attached to them, and you can learn to let them go. But this will be your life's work, if you choose to take it on - working with your thoughts I mean.

You have raised an important question though... .what is going on inside of you? Since that is the only thing you have any control of what do you think? What might your personal issues be? Big or small? How we can we help you move to a better place, gradually, in time?

warmly, pearl.

[soontobemd]

Hi soontobemd, thanks for sharing more details.

One strong aspect of BPD relationships that a lot of us on here talk about is inconsistency and instability. Things seem fine one moment and then we are being told they want a breakup the next. Whether or not your friend receives a formal BPD diagnosis, coping with this kind of behavior can be extremely difficult for the other person who is often committed and doesn't understand the constant changing.

It's also very easy to be consumed by this whirlwind behavior and begin neglecting ourselves. I suggest you have a look at some of the workshops in the Tools and Skills board for resources on how to build your own emotional strength in the face of the other person's instability. People here are often surprised to learn how much we can control in situations that we thought we completely out of our control.

Beyond the friends / family issues, have the problems effected your studies?

ROE 

Thank you i will look into it!

 Regarding my studies It did for a while but i quickly got back on track  If i have something going for me is that im very focused and it takes something like this to drift me away but i always get back on track. But the feelings are still there. I can concentrate normally but when i get home im a mess constantly trying to figure out what is going on. Thats just always whom ive been theres no a problem that i cant fix or a puzzle i cant solve. But this is clearly beyond my skills because it truly feels like i know 2 different persons one that loves me dearly and wakes up telling me how happy she is with us and how much she wishes that this never ended and tbr other one that cuts me of her life like a bad cancer without any remorse or feelings.

That level of instability for me at least is not that of a person that is well. At least thats what i believe though she has not been diagnosed all the facts are there and the more i ask and the more i look into it the more it makes sense. Maybe this is my way of trying to make something irrational rational. Maybe is not irrational at all and she said all those things to make me feel better and then  leave me I dont honestly know what to believe either way makes little sense and thats the root of my problems that i cant make any sense out of it. In my head everything has a reason to be. I know words are meaningless but her actions that last time we saw each other were those of someone who really cared about  me how that changed  in such short span of time has left  deeply confused

[pearlsw]

Hi soontobemd,

Yes, this stuff is huge and it can mess with your own mind for sure! Have you used the skill of depersonalization a bit? That helps a lot. It is hard for me because my "partner" is so high-functioning and seems mostly normal to others, though some do recognize his instability but no one does anything about it. What can they do really I guess?

He may be getting to a doctor next week and looking into medication. He may have a mood disorder as well.

Anyway, it can also help to accept that all in life is not rational and cannot be easily explained. Accepting that can help the pain that comes from our notion of needing answers in life.

Please, as someone whose schooling has been messed up by relationships, don't lose sight of your studies - no matter what. Hold onto that!

sincerely, pearl.