Triggers Locked and Loaded How is your BPD disregulating for Valentine's Day?

[Enabler]

After ignoring my gift of cakes and a card all day and being ignored from the time she got home with kids till bedtime, after kids went to bed the conversation went as follows (shortened):

W - thank you for the cakes, the kids loved them
Me - pleasure
W - do you have a problem?
Me - well you have given me the silent treatment for the last 2 weeks
W - no I have not, there you go again critising me
Me - well sorry, that’s how I’m experiencing it
W - oh just to let you know I have found a couple who are keen to buy our house and they’re coming to view it tomorrow
Me - have you petitioned for divorce?
W - no
Me - I am not prepared to sell the house unless you have and don’t understand why you have delayed doing this as separate living rrangementa and this a divorce was a priority for you in October
W - you never stipulated this back then
Me - we discussed there being no other alternative than divorce in the first session of legal mediation, we discussed and agreed wording in the second, you were given the details of how to apply, I didn’t think there was any ambiguity about the process
W - I have been busy over the last few months, I haven’t had time, I’ve found the whole thing horrendous and traumatic, I know what I have to do now, I will prioritise that now.
Me - i don’t want this
W - there is no other way, I don’t love and can’t tolerate to be with you anymore, this is unbearable

The hits just keep coming. The ball is firmly on her court to take action. I have drawn the line, the line that says what she has to do to show how much she hates me, and line has some serious elements of finality. I broke many rules in the conversation but stayed calm and didn’t allow her to pin more abuse accusations on me when I was not being abusive, I was being reasonable.

No doubt a terrible nights sleep ahead as I ruminate like crazy about events o cannot control!

Happy f VD!

Ps the irony of cake as a gift is she’s queen of cake and eat it!

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[I Am Redeemed]

Enabler,
So sorry for what you are going through. Sounds like she wants you to file for divorce so she can blame it all on you and make you the "bad guy".

Happy f VD, indeed.

pearlsw,

Kudos on not taking the bait.

Meanwhile, I have not failed to notice that my uBPDh has not tried to call from jail. We have not had contact in nearly three months. He called repeatedly every day up until about a week ago. I never answered. Now I am wondering what he is thinking, how is he feeling, what happened in court today (I did not have transportation to go, it's in another county, and I had to work) and I am really kind of fed up with myself for thinking or feeling or noticing any of these things.
I had a customer ask me for my phone number today. I declined, because 1)I am still married and 2)I could probably be his mother's age and 3)I do not wish to have anything to do with anything remotely romantic.

First V day with my uBPDh: love bombed me with flowers, balloons, stuffed bear, candy. this is after I told him I don't place any importance on V day whatsoever and I think spending money on crap like this when you are struggling to pay your bills is unwise at best and a waste at the least.
Last year: Don't even remember V day. We might have mutually bought chocolates that we both ate.
Year before: Got in a fight with uBPDh bc I picked up a double shift at work. V day was suddenly the "most important day" ever to express one's love for someone. This is after 5 years together where we really didn't make a big deal out of V day, except that very first one and we had only been dating about 6 weeks at that time. Fight started bc I didn't feel like being intimate after working 12 hours. I didn't consult him before picking up the shift. I didn't want him anymore, I didn't love him anymore, the fact that I had just had a baby 2 months prior and was trying to make up for lost time at work because we were behind on all the bills was dismissed as an "excuse", I was called selfish, among other things, and fight escalated into physical altercation. Happy f V day, indeed.

[ozmatoz]

uBPDw sent me a screenshot of an email from her ex-affair partner reaching out to her to see if she was happy.  Along with the comment “My ex-boyfriend puts in more effort than my husband”

I had typed the following response, but thought better of it and just didn’t reply

Roses are red
Violets are blue
It’s Valentine’s Day
F—k You

[BasementDweller]

Yikes. It sounds like many of us were experiencing some dysregulation, or perhaps... .just some sh*tty behavior in general from our the BPD's in our lives. I had a feeling that might happen, so I decided to start a venting thread on the topic. 

As mentioned, my BPDbf started coming a bit unglued the day before V-Day, after nearly two months of good behavior, so I figured others might be experiencing some amplified acting out from their partners/family members/exes as well. Mine returned nearly to baseline when he got hungry and smelled the food cooking.  He was still a bit petulant, but tolerable.  I suppose it COULD have been worse.

Today is a new day. Hopefully everyone's doing ok, and survived yesterday. 

Now we have Easter meltdowns to look forward to!

[Enabler]

The next couple of weeks will be interesting to see whether or not she follows through with actions. I feel like I have drawn a line in the sand which is both fair and reasonable. The question is what I will do if she crosses my line:

Boundary - I will not sell the family home without W petitioning for divorce

My Actions
Tries to sell the house without divorce petition - Refuse
Doesn't try to sell the house but doesn't petition for divorce - Ignore
Petitions for Divorce - Clear statement of intent

[lighthouse9]

enabler - I like how you organized your boundaries and actions, I'm going to start writing down the same for myself.

BasementDweller - yes, this thread was needed and I was fully prepared for my own convo last night thanks to it. Glad the good cooking pulled your partner out

My check in was... .bizarre. Absolutely bizarre. I'll be updating on a different thread, but here was the Valentine's day related piece:

Her dad is also going through a separation from his partner of 17 years (they have a son together). They never got married, but his common law wife up and left and the only story I'm getting about it is through my wife, so I'm taking it with a grain of salt. Dad is devastated, wants her back, etc etc. My wife has been building a relationship with him lately and it's been a good thing, but he's also her new attachment. Could be worse, right?

She gets on the phone last night and says "I just talked to my dad. He's clearly a mess because it's Valentine's day and he misses (spouse's name)."
me: "I'm really sorry to hear that he's sad, that must be upsetting to hear."
her: "I mean yeah, it's Valentine's day. He texted me "Happy Wednesday the 14th." I could tell he was sad so I called him to check in."
me: "That was kind of you to look out for him."
her: "Yeah, I mean what can you do, it's sad you know?"

How badly did I want to say "I'm sad too and this freaking sucks! It's valentine's day for me, too!"

And honestly, how badly did she probably want to say it or have me say it. I didn't bite though. Just validated the valid in what she was saying. She's been projecting a lot of our process on to their process and I've had to be very careful not to play into her mirroring his emotions or even mirroring his ex-spouse, since she supposedly cheated and so did my wife. Again, BPD, you just neverrrr know who you're going to get.

I got my take out and had some scotch and passed out with the lights on. It wasn't a horrible night. More to come in another post, but I hope everyone survived V day.

[BasementDweller]

Enabler - I think your boundaries sound solid, and are a great idea.

Lighthouse9 - You handled that well, and did a very good job of validating without saying anything that might rock the boat. I often have to hold my tongue several times a day, simply because I KNOW if I speak my mind the sh*tstorm will get 100% worse.

[Xanadu]

I agree we have to pick our battles. I have been silent for most of our married life and I am finally learning how and when to speak up. It's quite empowering! My BPDh was in the sulking/non-talking mood when I got home last night. I just acted like nothing happened and asked if he wanted the dinner I was preparing and of course he did. Nothing was mentioned of the email although at some point I want to discuss how his emails and texts are hurtful and maybe find other ways to express anger and frustration.