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Author Topic: How do you carry on living this horrific life.  (Read 399 times)
desertflood

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« on: February 14, 2018, 05:31:44 PM »

I posted on here 6 years ago about how bad my daughter was with her BPD and the dangerous things she was doing.  Well since then she is on about her 43rd overdose,  3 lots of standing at the top of a multi storey carpark threatening to jump, 1 attempt at hanging, 3 times jumping in a fast flowing canal/river... .twice in the sea, 3 lots of going on a train track, theres so much more to add.  She has cut her body to pieces.  Well last week she took an overdose on Friday, Sat, Sun, Mon and Tuesday and was released the minute the hospital felt she was ok.  On Wednesday we got a call from the hospital to say we needed to come... .we drove the 50 plus miles in silence... .my daughter had decided enough was enough and it was time to go.  She wrote a suicide note ( for the first time) she took over 50 opiate tablets and many others and some alcohol, she cut her stomach open and her arms. She wrote on her body do not resuscitate in permanent marker.  She was rushed by ambulance to the hospital, they did CPR and had to shock her heart to start it... .her heart went bad and she had to stay on a cardiac monitor for 3 days.  I thank the Lord that she was found In time, that they hospital could get her breathing, I had no idea this was all going on as the hospital never rang us until the next day.  Now after all the suicides this was the one she meant, the Psych team repeatedly just let her go home every single time she goes to hospital with and overdose, they have told me they have wrote on her file that she is to be released ASAP, don't interact with her and get her out of the hospital quickly this way she received the least amount of attention, because they say she is attention seeking. Well I told them this time was not bloody attention seeking and just what are they going to do now to keep her safe, she is a danger to herself.
The psych team arrived and they agreed that she needed sectioning ( Hooray) so she was put on a section 2 which lasts for a month, I asked them to give her  more help and section her for 6 months to get her back on her feet and make her safe.  After just 4 days they let her go again, she is now back at her own home over 50 miles away and she is refusing contact.  I can't believe that they have released her so quickly... .i'm sitting here and I don't know if she's done it again and if she's dead or alive... .I feel sick, I cannot cope with the most severe anxiousness i'm feeling, its out of control, I feel i'm finally having a breakdown. 
Just like all of you I could not cope if my child died, I want to do as much as I can to save her but the professionals just won't help the way I want them to help.  They have explained to me putting her in hospital makes people with BPD worse, even though they know she is at high risk of dying now they still feel hospital is not the place.  I have asked for a reassessment of her diagnosis as she is like Jekyl and Hyde, she can go so quickly from happy and laughing and 30 minutes alter she is attempting suicide.  They have refused to reassess her.  I can't get any support from anywhere to help her as she lives so far away she has no one to help her, someone to tell her if she is entitled to the help she needs. She is one very confused 25yr old and very very lonely, she point blank refuses to live nearer to us and gets angry if I keep asking her to.  I just don't know what to do for her nor for me but I know I can't go on living like this, I feel so ill, I feel so low, the fear that she is going to die next time.  I just can't cope with this anymore, i love my girl so much i can't lose her now. I can't keep her safe and neither can she.  I just don't know where to go from here, i need to speak to someone... .im seeing my g.p. tomorrow and going to ask for help.  Just what can i do.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Huat
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« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2018, 08:02:41 PM »

Boy, Jazdrop22, you are in need of a ((HUG)!

I so wish I had answers to give you.  No parent should have to go through what you are going through!

I hear you when you write... ."I need to speak to someone!"  I am glad that you have that appointment with your GP tomorrow and I hope he/she will be a willing listener and be able to point you in a direction for... .YOU!  Do you have any family support... .a partner?

Needless to say, your daughter is going through a hell of her own.  I am praying for her... .for you.

Stick with us, Jazdrop22.  We are listening and here to give you all the moral support we can.

Huat
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Rkmom

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« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2018, 08:02:20 AM »

Jazdrop22,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I too went through a part of what you did with the psych team -feeling of anger that nothing useful is done, helpless that you can't do much, the terrifying feeling that you will lose your child.
In which part of the world do you live? I was hoping that if there are people on this forum who are from your part of the world may be they know of better psychiatric facilities that may help your daughter.
Hang in there. I hope I could tell you or do something to help you. A big hug to you.
Rkmom
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desertflood

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« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2018, 09:35:33 AM »

Saw the g.p. today and theres not really anything she can give me to help me calm down and not be o anxious... .I told her I don't think my antidepressants are really working as ive been on them for 10yrs so she has swapped me to a different type but she said I have to start off low as it is a new drug to me, so I am going to feel worse for a couple of weeks!  She wants to see me in 2 week to send me somewhere to get therapy. So its all a couple of weeks wait for anything to happen... .2 weeks of living this hell. 
Late last night my daughter sent me a photo on my phone so at least I know she is alive. Ive not heard from her today, she has cut me off for some reason, God only knows why.  This is how it will go until she needs us for something, then she will call me and act as though nothing has happened and I have to act that way too or she will cut me out of her life again.
I'm doing nothing at home, I have no interest in doing the housework, washing etc, I don't want to go out or anything, I just want to sit and relax and do nothing else.   My fear of something else upsetting my daughter and pushing her over the edge again and her actually dying this time won't leave my mind, its like hell... .the love a mother feel for her child is overwhelming, but to think you could possibly lose them is even worse... .I hope in time things get easier as I don't want to feel like this forever.  I wish I could understand my daughter, the times when she is low or even crying her eyes out she won't have any contact with hubby and I at all, she wont' come near us or contact us she would rather be alone and dealing with horrible situations on her own, or having someone else with her to help her that she hardly knows rather than have us help her, I just don't understand.  I just want to help her and give her a big cuddle when she's down like I do my other daughter, but I can't, she is mostly cold towards us and it hurts massively.   
I live in the UK.  x
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wendydarling
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« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2018, 07:00:36 AM »

Hi Jazzdrop22 

I'm also in the UK.   I'm so very sorry for what you are dealing with your daughter for these last 6 years is truly heart breaking.  I can only imagine the depth of your prolonged suffering, anguish and your pain, you are beyond exhausted, fatigued and running on empty, I hear you.  Here's a big hug from me   

It's good to hear your GP is arranging support for you to talk with a therapist. Talking with a real person who understands what you are going through can help.
Jazz, what treatment has your DD been offered - you mention DBT in a previous post, did your DD attend? My 29DD was offered DBT - yes there was a waiting list and during that time she had access to the mental health crisis team she could call anytime, go meet to talk, they also came here, home when she was unable to go out.  I know from experience being chucked out of the hospital is devastating it erodes trust anyone wants to help and makes it difficult to form relationships and build trust with the services you are being directed to that can help you. It’s confusing for the best of us who are not suffering the disorders, I’m so sorry your DD is pushing you away, not knowing she is safe, whether she’s got an advocate is tearing you apart.

Jazz, we are here for you, do you think popping in here daily and getting to know us parents here might help you? We work together on problem solving, we learn new more effective ways of communicating with our child with BPD.  The parents who post here I see progress through the most difficult of situations.

We are here like you doing our very best.

We are a friendly family.

WDx 
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
desertflood

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« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2018, 07:16:14 AM »

Hello Wendydarling and thank you for your reply.

My daughter did do her DBT course but had to leave just before the very end as they decided to put 3 classes together to save on costs, my daughter with her autism couldn't cope with all the change and some of the people were just too much for her so she left. She does have the crises line but she said they just tell her to read a book or have a bath and she feels none of this helps. She is the type of person who needs physical help, someone to come to her or she go to them... .there is nothing where she lives where anyone comes out to see you i'm afraid.
I have gone to see her now, she allowed us to go visit her which is a huge step, she wasn't right still but she did laugh and smile a bit so that is a good step/positive step.  She is trying to keep herself busy but her mental health team still have not put anything in place to give her a bit more support, which is what she needs.  I felt absolutely fantastic going to see her so I don't feel so deeply depressed now but I know this is only going to last until the next attempt!

I am disabled and am struggling with my own life, i'm in a lot of pain so its a bit harder for me to do lots of things and also the driving up to see her and back again makes me feel exhausted, but I will do it until the day I die, I would do anything for her because I love her so very much and I know she is so unhappy, I just wish I could help her with that.

I am not sure what sort of help to ask my g.p. for when I go back and see her, I know I'm very low and exhausted, but I would love to learn more about how to help and understand my daughters condition, BPD is so confusing just to understand, God knows how it must be for her to have to livee with it the poor thing.

WD when you say come in here daily to talk, where do you do this, do you just keep posting on this post or is there somewhere where we are able to actually chat online or talk live so to speak. xx
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Feeling Better
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« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2018, 06:13:01 PM »

Hi Jazdrop22

I have read this thread a few times and I want to say how sorry I am to hear of the very real and painful situation that you are in. My heart goes out to you. Not too long ago I was feeling very similar to you, I too didn’t want to do anything, the constant worry, the fear, at my lowest point I just didn’t care whether I lived or not. Every day was an emotional struggle. These days, thanks to the support that I have received here along with educating myself by reading as much as I can (the resources and tools and various posts found here), I can now cope much better. I still have bad days but nothing like they used to be. You say that you hope in time things get easier as you don’t want to feel this way forever. I understand that, nobody wants to continue feeling that way, it impacts on our lives in so many potentially harmful ways.

I was so pleased to read in your last post that you had a positive visit to your daughters and that you are not feeling so deeply depressed now. Are you still feeling that way?

You say that you are not sure what kind of help to ask your GP for, do you think it would be good to ask for help for you? Help to build your inner strength back up to make you feel more able to cope with all that loving someone (your daughter) with BPD throws at you? There is no doubting how much you love and want to help your daughter.

quote Jazdrop22
I would love to learn more about how to help and understand my daughters condition, BPD is so confusing just to understand

This is the best place to learn more about BPD and how to help your daughter. Look to the right, you will see lots of tools that you can use. Explore the site, it is full of information, read other’s posts, you will quickly realise that you are not alone and that we are all here to help each other.

I started therapy four weeks ago, it was a huge step for me to undertake, I posted about it on here. I am so glad to hear that you will soon be starting your own therapy and I would like to wish you well with it.

Keep posting and asking questions, it does make a difference x

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If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading ~ Lao Tzu
wendydarling
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« Reply #7 on: February 23, 2018, 05:32:19 AM »

Hi Jazdrop22

That's great to hear, a huge step, I'm so pleased you were able to visit and spend time with your DD, you gained relief, connected, felt fantastic. Every little positive step helps. You are amazing Jaz, coping with physical pain as well, whoa, I wish I could take it away.  

When you say her mental health team haven’t put anything in place yet to give her a bit more support, have they indicated they intend to provide further support?  :)o you know what kind of things your DD is doing to keep busy?

That’s unfortunate they merged the DBT classes, I can understand that being unsettling and challenging –  changes the dynamics of the group doesn’t it.  How long did your DD attend, was that a while ago? My DD’s like yours when you say your DD is needs physical help she likes to be there talking with someone real, some find the phone depersonalising is understandable.  My DD’s a cheeky girl – after DBT ended she signed herself back up to the alcohol and drug counselling service, now she has someone to talk, someone is listening!  Jaz, you know the bath thing, my DD uses Lush bath bombs, back when she was suffering the worst they helped her focus on them, she’d film them exploding and post on her Instagram and gain validating comments, they are highly perfumed – I think the sensory experience helped. The challenge is them finding what works for them isn't it.

Talking here, yes you are right, we start a thread (new topic) like you have and we join other parent’s threads and parents post new topics as Feeling Better says here is a link to her embarking on therapy thread’, like you are, she started this thread and asked questions, and many have jumped in right there with their share, it’s reassuring to gain support from others.

How are you feeling today?

WDx


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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
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