New here and struggling to cope

[scalystarfruit]

I'm 17 and been seeing a psychologist for 4+ years, ostensibly to help with anxiety & depression, but also for strategies to cope with mom. Psychologist recently unofficially suggested that it sounded a lot like BPD, and sent me down a rabbit hole.

I was actually sobbing at how much some of it resonated; I've been her surrogate psychologist, best friend and all over emotional support as long as I can remember. Dad usually works away from home and she has no friends, so I fill these roles.

During an episode of psychosis she had the other day the topic of my future career came up. I told her I'd changed my mind and I'd rather go into science rather than medicine. She lost it: accused me of lying to trick her into paying for tutoring. This, she said, was a sign that I cared nothing for my parents and only wanted their money. Consequently, I'd not be allowed to visit her when she went to a nursing home, in case I killed her in her sleep for my inheritance. She was 100% serious and I'm still shaken a week later. I mean, I spend hours every week trying to help her with her problem, consoling her about her relationship problems, but apparently   it's all a front.

I thought she'd apologise a few days later; she actually was annoyed at me for not wanting to spend time with her 'almost like I was upset with her or something'. When I told her why I was annoyed, she said she wouldn't have said it if she knew I would get so upset, but she still meant it and all her true crime documentaries about killer kids reminded her of me.

What really upsets me though, is when she says that she wishes she was dead because of having me; it's then my job to talk her off the edge and console her, talking about how terrible I am. It's hard to admit it, but... .I don't care anymore. The other night she was hurting herself and Dad had to restrain her. As she was sobbing about how she was going to kill herself, I sat a metre away thinking about the movie I was going to watch later that night. Her favourite way to make me upset is to say I'm a sociopath (she reads the DSM out at me), I'm pretty good at dissociating most of the time, but this always gets me because I worry it's true. Often when she's screaming and crying I go read a book in my room. I think why it hurts so much is because when I talk to anyone about it, I doubt myself. That's what sociopaths do, isn't it, they make themselves look like the victim.  I'm worried I'm doing it right now. I feel so bad, like I'm doing something sick by posting here  -it's her business, and maybe I'm the messed up one. The thing I'm hoping is that posting here will be easier because it's anonymous. My psychologist has mentioned that the school counsellor might be a mandated reporter and I'm leery of talking to her because of that. And I offhandedly mentioned some stuff to a teacher the other week, and he seemed shocked, which I'm stressed about because I don't want it to get back to her somehow.

(Sorry this is so disjointed and 'stream of conscious'-y, I'm not really sure what's worth mentioning but it feels good to tell someone this stuff.)

[baylady]

Oh my gosh.  It doesn't sound like you are the messed up one at all.  I am so sorry you are going through these things with your mom.  I'm a mom, and those are not the kinds of things a mom should be saying to a 17 year old, or anyone for that matter.  I have a sister with uBPD and that is hard enough.  Know that you are not alone.   

[toomanydogs]

Oh god, this sounds dreadful. Like baylady, I'm a mom (and a grandma), and this is definitely not how mothers talk with their 17-year-old children.

I wish there were something I could say or write or do that would help, other than assuring you that you're not alone and that people on these boards really do understand what it's like to be involved with pwBPD.
TMD

[phantomglitter]

Hey there, welcome to the fam!

I'mthe 23 year old daughter of a mother with BPD, and I can really relate to what your situation. In particular the part about self-doubt. For years I was constantly questioning myself and the validity of my thoughts and feelings. I cry SUPER easily, but for a really long time I'd accuse myself of doing it for attention. I started to doubt whether I actually cared about anyone or whether I was just pretending. Even today, I'm always double checking my thoughts, feelings, and behaviours to MAKE SURE I'm not just trying to paint myself as the victim or trying to get others to like me so that they give me stuff or money etc.

Leaving my mom and gaining complete financial independence has been such a freeing experience. And although you may feel obligated to stay, to "save her", that's not your sh*t. You deserve to have a life that's about you, where you can feel free to be yourself.

There's nothing wrong with you, in fact as you get out of her influence you'll probably realize that you're pretty awesome. It's going to take time and effort, and doing things that are uncomfortable (like leaving, setting boundaries with her, saying no, etc.) but it's worth it.

You got this, and we're all here for you if you need support or a chat.

[baylady]

phantwowlitter, that was a great response!

[Kwamina]

Hi scalystarfruit

I am very sorry you've been dealing with anxiety and depression. I am glad you are getting help for these issues. Your T has unofficially diagnosed your mom as likely BPD. Many of our members with BPD parents have found themselves struggling with anxiety and depression too. It can be very challenging indeed dealing with a BPD parent.

I think it's great that you are exploring avenues for support so you don't have to go through this alone. Based on what you describe, your mother seems to be engaging in the BPD behaviors known as 'projection' and 'splitting'. As you are now learning about BPD, did you already come across these specific terms?

If your mother indeed has BPD, her behaviors stem from her distorted thinking and perception. As a result what she says and does more than likely says more about her than it does about you. Her behavior isn't a reflection of who you really are at all, it's solely a reflection of her own inner turmoil and insecurity which she is projecting onto you. Keeping this in mind can make it easier to not take her behavior that personally, though I realize it's still hard hearing your own mother say and do these kinds of things.

It takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for help like you did and share your story

You are 17 now and unfortunately this site requires the members to be at least 18 years old to participate on the message boards. I encourage you to also look at some other resources until you turn 18:

Teen Help: www.teenhelp.org/

"TeenHelp is an international not-for-profit organisation who provide anonymous support and advice to anybody who needs it. We help users of all ages and from all walks of life, all around the world. Our staff members are volunteers, regular people just like you, and they're here to listen and to give advice. Whether you're seeking help or you like to help others, TeenHelp provides a friendly and safe environment for everyone to work together. So come on in, get support and make some new friends today!"

To help you deal with all of this I also encourage you to keep reading about BPD, the various BPD behaviors and the coping skills you can learn to help you navigate yourself through this difficult situation.

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Mutt]

The thread is now locked please refer to bullet 5 on the membership guidelines.

Membership Eligibility: The requirements of membership are five-fold; 1. that you have a current or past relationship with an individual exhibiting Borderline Personality Disorder traits or traits of another personality disorder, 2. that you are serious about improving your current lifestyle and emotional well-being, 3. that you are willing to support others in the improvement of their lifestyle and emotional well being, 4. that you will comply with the community rules and respect the board moderators, 5. that you are 18 years of age or older.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/membership