Am I enabling my brother like I enabled my former partner?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My twin doesn't have BPD. He actually helped me move out when I split up with my partner in autumn. We rented an apartment together in a different city. He had been apartment hunting for a while (he doesn't have a stable income) and it was sort of a win-win situation for us: I found a a place to stay and move my furniture to. He had someone with a stream of steady income to co-rent the apartment with. We have been living together since November and I have come to doubt this arrangement. I think I might be enabling him like I have enabled my former partner.

He has horrible self-discipline and has been working on a new job for months in a very half-assed way. His sleep-wake-rhythm is completely messed up. He goes to bed in the middle of the night and gets up around noon. Sometimes he cooks in the middle of the night and wakes me up in the process. The kitchen is usually a mess and I have to clean the dishes before I can cook anything. I had to pay for the furniture in his room because he is broke most of the time.

I know I have to adress these issues but I find it very hard. I am so angry at him because he is treating me like that - because he thinks I will put up with all of this. And... .I am.

I am sure he doesn't have BPD but I don't want to slip into a new situation where I am compensating for somebody else's failures. The fact that he is my twin makes it double hard.

Do you have any advice for me? I would much appreciate it.

[Wolfsocks]

My twin doesn't have BPD. He actually helped me move out when I split up with my partner in autumn. We rented an apartment together in a different city. He had been apartment hunting for a while (he doesn't have a stable income) and it was sort of a win-win situation for us: I found a a place to stay and move my furniture to. He had someone with a stream of steady income to co-rent the apartment with. We have been living together since November and I have come to doubt this arrangement. I think I might be enabling him like I have enabled my former partner.

He has horrible self-discipline and has been working on a new job for months in a very half-assed way. His sleep-wake-rhythm is completely messed up. He goes to bed in the middle of the night and gets up around noon. Sometimes he cooks in the middle of the night and wakes me up in the process. The kitchen is usually a mess and I have to clean the dishes before I can cook anything. I had to pay for the furniture in his room because he is broke most of the time.

I know I have to adress these issues but I find it very hard. I am so angry at him because he is treating me like that - because he thinks I will put up with all of this. And... .I am.

I am sure he doesn't have BPD but I don't want to slip into a new situation where I am compensating for somebody else's failures. The fact that he is my twin makes it double hard.

Do you have any advice for me? I would much appreciate it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Wolfsocks, If you're like most of us Nons, you may have difficulty setting boundaries.  That's OK --  It just means you have more work to do.  See Tools button (above).  One's lack of boundaries can really be a problem in a BPD r/s.  Did you find that to be an issue in your r/s with your BPD partner?  If so, you're not alone.  It seems like this is an ongoing issue in your current living situation with your brother.

LuckyJim

[heartandwhole]

Hi Wolfsocks,

I’m not sure you are enabling him; it sounds to me like you have very different lifestyles. I’d certainly feel frustrated if it were me.

Is this behavior new to you? Do you think if he weren’t living with you that his behavior would be different?

heartandwhole

[Insom]

Hi, Wolfsocks!

I am sure he doesn't have BPD but I don't want to slip into a new situation where I am compensating for somebody else's failures. The fact that he is my twin makes it double hard.

It sounds like you're feeling responsible for how your twin is behaving and that it's raised some questions about your role in your former relationship.  I can relate to what it feels like to feel like the responsible one.

How are things going this week?  Have you addressed any of the issues that are bothering you?