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Author Topic: says he has never loved me and has used me?  (Read 483 times)
Sabinochka

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« on: February 19, 2018, 08:52:16 AM »

Hello, I don't even know what to say and what to start with because I am feeling the most pain I ever have in my life. I just refuse to believe what seems to be true.
So me and my BPD ex bf broke up a month ago, after I had moved to another country with better opportunities. Before that he had been planning family with me, telling how I need not to worry because moving will be best for our future children and so on.
 
As we were living together I had a well paying job and he had no job because of his psychological problems. We talked about him getting a job and he said he felt 'pressured' and he just could not do it, needed more time so I paid our rent, bought all the food, bought him clothes I did anything to help him through the tough times and I knew that anyone can have a low period in life, and it's great to give someone a helping hand.

I supported him through all his mental breakdowns, I watched him get better, I helped him get out of an addiction and he said that he had never been happier than with me and will NEVER leave me, will break mountains just to be with me. He was warm and caring, he tried to do all he could while not working, cooked great meals when i came back from work, always tried to surprise me and make me feel good and I was happy and appreciated him so much I loved spending time with him and I was accepting of his mental problems.

As I moved away I was texting him telling that I need him that I miss him and feel sad and that made him go into angry rages for some reason, telling me that I was draining all his energy. I was like hey what is up with you I just want some support. Then he apologized. Then it happened all over.

So I told him that it's not ok for him to behave this way and to allow himself to be so rude to me and call me words etc. He said our relationship was over but he wants to be friends. Well ok, we were friendly for a couple of weeks then he stopped checking upon me I told him I missed him he said he didn't know what to say to this and that in a relationship he felt too dependent on me and that this was bad for him. Then silence.

And then, the worst part all of a sudden I recieve a message where he says he never loved me and was just using me, a naive girl and that he had never felt shame for using me and still doesn't and something like " you don't even have to reply to this I am just letting go of my own sins"
And this Literally Crushed me. I don't want to believe this is true. I want to believe anything else but this. I thought what is he was really just a sociopath and all I knew about him was just a mask and that was his true face? So every smile of his, every kiss and every word of love was A LIE.

I just don't want to live in a world where people like him exist. I don't think I can take it. I was coping fine with everything but this... .is just too much. it's like did he want to just break me and leave me no chance for happiness? or did he try to convince himself that it was him being the bad boy not having feelings because he was too attached and struggled with it? I dont know, i dont know. But this is like a knife wound

Do you guys think it's true? I am so confused. And so much in pain I have no words to describe

Thanks for reading if you got this far
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Sabinochka

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« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2018, 09:26:32 AM »

and also after i recieved this last message i blocked him everywhere but I just now want to talk to him, this makes me crave his attention this makes me wanna talk to him and I hadnt wanted it so much before. I just want to ask if this is true what he said I want him to know much much it hurt me - did he really mean it. I am crying and sobbing like an animal that has been shot I was doing so good all the time even though it is so lonely and scary and hard in a new country for me but I was holding it together and now I am totally not
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spero
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« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2018, 10:03:55 AM »

Hey there Sabinochka,

This must be terribly confusing for you and utterly heartbreaking. I am sorry that you feel this way. In the loss of any relationship especially when one feels like we've found our soulmate only to have things come crashing down very suddenly creates deep confusion.

My uBPDexGF displayed similar patterns of suddenly saying that she doesnt "feel" that she loves me anymore after about almost a year dating. I have come to my own realisation that she treats me more of an "object" and less of a person. The phrase... "I am only using you." Came up several times, enough for me to become alarmed at her thought pattern. Inversely, that is how she might have felt about herself as well, that others would "use" her as she uses "me".  Significant others tend to unfortunately become "objectified".

Unfortunately, Sabinochka this is more about him than it is about you. He may not be in a place to even understand the pain he is causing you. It is as if, the person does not have the tools, or the worldview that you and i have... perhaps. I have been NC with my uBPDexGF, and over the course of almost 2 months, she has decided to "erase" me from her life, as if i am some cancer and right now, she has changed her profile picture to someone which i don't even recognise. I've been blocked, unblocked and now i'm blocked again though there was no interaction from my end. I am split black, then white, now black again... .It isn't just how they view us, and it is also how they view themselves to a certain extent.

I know it is tempting to respond and it will take a while. But also, do be aware if your ex is indeed BPD, the recycle will come, there will be no boundaries. If they are desperate, they will try every means to reach you. Mine did once, she never understood my boundaries and infact, she hated my boundaries, whether it was perceived or in actuality my intention of a personal boundary.

I can only say, take heart. The fog will lift, but it will take time. If you do not have a community of support, then forum will be that "space" for you, as it is for me as i am sorting out my own grief and loss.

spero
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Sabinochka

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« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2018, 11:05:33 AM »

Thank you for your answer.

I really don't think I can understand this thought pattern, it is just insane. Also as we fought during this relationship sometimes he would say that I was using him for no reason. I don't even want to think that he was actually using me for the money and a place to live for free. But I am afraid it might be true. I am also doing NC and I have blocked him everywhere. I don't want him back but I just want some Truth out of his mouth but not sure if such a thing exists in his world at all. I'm sorry you also had to go through this. Right now I am barely coping, just sleeping and waking up with the same pain.

Anyway, stay strong you too. I hope you are feeling better with time
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Pretty Woman
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The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2018, 11:19:41 AM »

 

Good morning! I am so sorry you are going through this. That had to be extremely painful to hear.

What you need to realize is this... .persons with BPD process things much differently than most people. I used to think my ex has walking amnesia. One moment I was the love of her life, the next... .I was worse than stepping in dog poop.
Seriously.

I remember once, after my ex finally discarded me (we broke up many, many times). She called to tell me her mother was in the hospital. I was very cold and said I really didn't care and good luck to her. Here she dumped me and less than two days later was posting on FB about the love of her life traveling abroad. People were texting me asking where I was traveling. I had to explain she wasn't talking about me.

During this conversation I mentioned I would be happy to take care of our dog while she stayed with her mother. She laughed very evil-like and said, "I already changed the locks, that's not happening".

It took me a long time to realize this relationship was very one sided. She never loved me. She NEEDED me.  BPD is a need based disorder. They need you... .until they don't. When that happens they become so very cold and it hurts... .
but you have to try not to take it personally. This doesn't mean you are not valuable... .they just lack the ability to love in a healthy, normal way.

I know this is fresh right now, and I am happy you are here posting. Read the stories on this board. You will see you are not alone. We are here to help you along the way.

Right now, you need to try to pull focus off your ex and focus on why you chose to stay as long as you did. We get sucked into these unhealthy unions and it "takes two". Why do you think you stayed through all of this?

PW
 
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Jeffree
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« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2018, 11:36:45 AM »

Sabinochka,

I am very sorry your ex said this to you.

It sounds like he's just being a spoiled sport trying to hurt you as you move your life forward to greener pastures.

His infantile words remind me of the ones spoken by Jake LaMotta after he lets Sugar Ray Robinson beat him up mercilessly, "Ray, you never got me down." It's his attempt to show him that, even though Sugar Ray was the better boxer, LaMotta was the better man.

Same thing with your ex... .he's just trying to hurt you more than the hurt he's feeling now that he used up all your good will toward him.

You hang in there. He has nothing to offer you but more hurt. Keep moving forward! 

J
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Sabinochka

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« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2018, 11:44:53 AM »

Thank you PrettyWoman for your supportive answer!

I have been reading the stories of other people and they are incredibly similar to mine! That's comforting to me.

I stayed so long for many reasons. I loved him deeply is number one. We also had a lot of good times and they were so good it made me ignore everything bad and we had all those conversations and he admitted what he did wrong and convinced me that we was trying hard to change his behavior to be together with me. I decided to give him a million chances. I thought he needed some love and caring so he could blossom and be the wonderful human he is. It never happened

Also, as long as we were living together when I tried to break up he was always begging to take him back saying he will kill himself if I leave, calling me the worst words for leaving, screaming at me, and I am quite a sensitive person I knew I would have to go to work the next day and I simply wouldn't be able to function and I was scared so we always made up and I took him back after breakups. He would also get dresses and leave in the middle of the night when I told him it was over then came back I was worried I could not sleep. And there was no place at the time I could stay at rather than our place. It was all a million of manipulations.

And thank you Jeffree. Wow it actually starts to feel a bit ligher and better after talking with you guys. I can breath a little bit of relief. So THANKS SO MUCH!
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Sabinochka

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« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2018, 11:48:42 AM »

It is just funny I feel that if I had not set up clear boundaries for once and made it clear what he did and said was UNACCEPTABLE he would have not told me that "it's over". So it's over as long as we stop playing by their rules and demand some respect? Ugh

Still I am hoping that he is just BPD not a sociopath. I think that if he actually turns out to be a sociopath, my world will always become a very dark place because I was too close to actual evil
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In a bad way
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« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2018, 12:37:03 PM »

Excerpt
        It is just funny I feel that if I had not set up clear boundaries for once and made it clear what he did and said was UNACCEPTABLE he would have not told me that "it's over". So it's over as long as we stop playing by their rules and demand some respect? Ugh     

That's what I discovered, once I told her some home truths it not a nice way because telling her in a nice way got me nowhere then she must have realised that she couldn't push me any further, she ran out of road because she had been sussed out.
Then she was gone never to be heard from again, mine thrived on verbally abusing me but when she finally got some back she said that I was verbally abusive to her and the people she went crying to told her that I would end up hitting her.
Utter rubbish, I'd put up with her behaviour for a long time.
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Jeffree
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« Reply #9 on: February 19, 2018, 12:47:27 PM »

So it's over as long as we stop playing by their rules and demand some respect?

Yes... .unfortunately.

I took her abuse. Then when I had had enough I asked for separate bedrooms. She went apes1t, threw my stuff all over the bedroom, kicked me out of my own house in the middle of the night.

Up until that point, I guess it was fun for her to poop on me left and right all the time, play head games, abuse me, say mean things.

Why in the world would I want to be in the same bed as someone this cruel?

Yet it upset her tremendously to NOT be in the same bed as someone she thought all these horrible things of?

It makes no sense... .never does.

J
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Sabinochka

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« Reply #10 on: February 19, 2018, 01:13:32 PM »

In a bad way, wow i know this is soo unfair how all the people later believe their lies! mine also told other people ridiculous stuff about our relationship and he had been told that I was being abusive and manipulative and with thi ssupport from other people he started demanding that I treat him better. I was so schocked he just twisted it all around!

Jeffree, also have a similar situation haha. When I needed more private space we both have talked and decided to move to a different apartment so that we don't share a room. He also said that he needed more space from me. I was like ok great thats the same as I want. So we found an apartment, moved in, first day in the new apartment I am so excited about my own room talking about how I finally have my own space (we used to live before that in a really small studio) and so all of a sudden his eyes turn crazy he starts walking around really nervous like a maniac and i am like whats wrong he says WHY IS IT THAT I CANNOT SHARE A ROOM WITH MY OWN GIRLFRIEND WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP IS THIS and i say but i thought it was ok we have talked about it and you agreed and we made this all the way and he goes in a rage throws stuff screams and I agree to share space with him just to make him stop! They are just insane.
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Jeffree
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« Reply #11 on: February 19, 2018, 02:33:00 PM »

Incredible.

Mine for the most part respected the separate bedroom boundary, but on a couple of occasions came into my bed to cuddle because she missed me. It was frustrating to have my sexy wife against me,  knowing I can't make any moves toward physicality because she had hurt me so much that I was done.

The next morning she would act like nothing happened and I was back on her poop list.

It's confounding to try and figure out.

J
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tlc232
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« Reply #12 on: February 19, 2018, 06:01:41 PM »

Sabinochka - I am glad to see that you are starting to feel better already ... .I can tell from your first post to your last!   It will come and go but you will find that with time that you will remember what it was like to have peace in your mind again and not have the constant negativity of making someone else happy that you will never be able to make happy --- really happy.    That is this disease.   

Much of what you have been through is similar to my story too.    How many years were you together over this whole relationship?   Did it start out just perfect and get more highs/lows as you progressed over years... .the acting out getting more often towards the end?   

There is SO much really great info on this site too -- tons of articles to explain the behaviors and help to relate to... .   their background and how to relate overall.   

I think time is the best healer in situations such as this.   I was numb at the end and am still trying to understand what the disease means with "splitting" and "cycling"... .but yes and yes and yes... .   This board and site is very helpful for people who are at their wit's end with what I feel is a lack of "closure".    I lost my husband about 15 years ago and that had closure for me --- painful, but closure.    A relationship with a BPD or someone with a mental illness of any type is very hard for the other person to put closure on.   You are left with a feeling of "what the heck just happened" and trying to process it over and over and over... .and none of it seems to make sense or follow in a logical pattern.    That's my opinion -- the difficulty is finding the logic to put closure.   It just didn't make sense.

I too did EVERYTHING as you did -- I do think that is a possibility of using people up for their own purposes.   But when you start to heal, you will realize that that isn't what you need for YOU.   You shouldn't have to do everything --- it should be a sharing from both sides.   

Welcome!   If nothing else -- this is a very warm and welcoming group.   Keep writing and sharing if it makes you feel better.  You are NOT alone... .!
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Sabinochka

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« Reply #13 on: February 19, 2018, 06:26:31 PM »

Thank you Tlc for your warm message... .and Jeffree... .

So we have been together for a year and funnily enough no, it was not all good from the beginning. First he was showing me affection but I rejected him straight out and wasn't even taking him seriously. When he stopped showing me affection he started to ignore me and that really hurt me because I valued him as a friend, a person to hang with just not as a romantic partner. And I was trying to find out what is up, he was kind of secretive and was telling me bunch of lies (only then I didn't know it was all lies, most of the information I knew about him I found out was not true in the middle of the relatonship) and he was playing some strange childish games as if he was a teenager and I was a girl in high school he liked. So I got caught up in the cycle of gaining his affection back and I did and so I started to develop romantic feelings. And he said he wanted a relationship. And there it started. And yeah, we are both young. I was 21 when we met and he was 20. It's been a year since. I know you guys may laugh now because it was short and we were young, my parents laugh at me that I took it so seriously but I was in love and I was ready to settle at my 22, I thought I felt love he felt love then why not settle. And he was the worst person to build a family with hahah. Literally worst I could chose. I am so glad we did not get married after all.

We talked about how important it is to be loyal to each other, I thought we shared the same values and he is a romantic guy who is good with all kinds of words and he can be really sweet and charming. He always told me his love for me was eternal, that he would never leave me (ha-ha). Our relationship had a really strange dynamic in a way that when I gave in emotionally and started to somewhat trust him again he did something so outrageous or started a ridiculous fight after which we were still together but I also distanced myself emotionally as a defence mechanism I kepy in mind not to take it seriously and not to attach myself and be ready to walk away anytime and he felt it... .and then he was trying to win my heart again and make me fall for him. So it was like whenever I was happy he wasn't and reverse... .

Sometimes I get really angry and think ok it could be whatever, he could love me hate me need me whatever but I just dont want to believe that he was with me just for material things... .money... .free food. This is so low. I just don't want to think that. It hurts me the most. Can it be true?

And yes you guys seem like an extremely compassionate, genuine and supportive community... and we all share similar experiences indeed! I feel better now, almost as if I am free but my emotions change very quickly too. This morning I was soo angry and hurt I almost wanted to ask a friend of mine to beat him up. And this is something I had NEVER EVER even thought of in relation to anyone I noticed myself having this insane thoughts and I got scared that I almost became as crazy as him capable of this dramatic behavior.

Anyways my writing might be a bit erratic I apologize for that. I am just all in the heat of the moment, finding a place to talk about this and I never had anyone to talk about this. None of the friends understood. And to be honest I got soo much on my mind. So thank you again for taking time to read it. It does a difference and I appreciate it greatly
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tlc232
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« Reply #14 on: February 19, 2018, 08:03:37 PM »


And yes you guys seem like an extremely compassionate, genuine and supportive community... and we all share similar experiences indeed! I feel better now, almost as if I am free but my emotions change very quickly too. This morning I was soo angry and hurt I almost wanted to ask a friend of mine to beat him up. And this is something I had NEVER EVER even thought of in relation to anyone I noticed myself having this insane thoughts and I got scared that I almost became as crazy as him capable of this dramatic behavior.

Anyways my writing might be a bit erratic I apologize for that. I am just all in the heat of the moment, finding a place to talk about this and I never had anyone to talk about this. None of the friends understood. And to be honest I got soo much on my mind. So thank you again for taking time to read it. It does a difference and I appreciate it greatly

Age and time of relationship make no difference here --- but it helps to put it into the context of what may help that we have learned or (in my case too!) are all learning.    There are many on here with a lot more experience at this than I, but I bet that he will resurface at some point.   It seems they likely do when they hit rock bottom again.   Planning to resolve yourself against feeling this bad again -- or better --- understanding that you deserve better is important.    It will keep you from spending many years  (you'll read a lot of those stories too) and not achieving the relationship that you deserve.

Here is some good news!  When I was really young and unfortunately had a horrible client/boss to work with for several years at the start of my career... .I would complain and be upset about not having the ideal boss that many of my co-workers/friends had.   A much seasoned mentor told me that you learn the most from dealing with the difficult people, because if you can cope with that, you build a great ability to be able to handle difficult situations early -- dealing with good is "easy".   They were right.  Once I learned coping mechanisms and how to deal with "difficult", it was a dream when I got to the right situation and good people.   Overcoming "awful" can be a great learning tool both in work and in our personal lives.   

The feelings you've gone through are quite normal -- it is like grief... .  you have sadness, then anger, then acceptance (etc).   Even feeling a little crazy may help process as long as you liken it to just allowing the thought to tiptoe across the brain but not permanently stay for action!     

Having people who understand is great isn't it -- easier to relate and learn from others.  Mostly realizing you are not alone!
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