New here—I am exhausted by the cycle and looking for help/support

[rosebud7]

Hi All -

I just recently came to know that my wife of 6 years has BPD traits. She is high functioning and very successful. She is also a wonderful and loving person.

For 6 years, a pattern has emerged where she will withdraw every 2-3 weeks. The withdrawal is emotional and physical and can sometimes include anxiety, rage and depression.

There is no physical abuse. I am exhausted by the cycle and looking for help/support. It is my hope to stay in this marriage and I understand there is nothing I can do to fix her.

I look forward to getting to know you all.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[heartandwhole]

Hi rosebud7,



You come to the right place. I’m sorry that you are feeling exhausted by the cycle. That is so understandable, and many of our members can relate. You are not alone.  And things can get better.

What is your usual response to the cycle of withdrawal?

Do you have supportive family and friends whom you can lean on when things are difficult?

Keep posting. We’re here for you.

heartandwhole

[DaddyBear77]

Hello rosebud7 

I'd like to join heartandwhole in welcoming you to the bpdfamily - I'm really glad you found us.

I can really relate to the exhaustion. My wife is also highly functional but at times that just makes it even more confusing. I've also committed to staying in the marriage and improving things in the best way possible.

I'm hoping that we can find some ways to help you find a better way forward, and I look forward to hearing more about your story.

Welcome aboard, rosebud7!

~DaddyBear77

[JoeBPD81]

Hi rosebud7,

we are here to listen.

Has there always been that cycle, or did it chage recently?

As you say, it's not our job to fix her. But you'll be happy to see that things can get better, when we star understanding more, and changing things in our perspective and approach.

It is very understandable to be exausted. What are your ways to charge batteries?

I hope we hear more from you.

[rosebud7]

Hi there -

Thank you all so much for the kind words of support.

I have worked very hard to manage my own safety when my wife splits. I have PTSD so I am not always able to remain un triggered. Its feels very unsafe so I have worked with my therapist to keep myself ok when it happens. I sometimes withdraw myself or even fight back in a verbal exchange. It's tough to navigate this moment.

I have a great network of friends and family who are in another state. In reclaiming my own choices, I have made 2 requests of my beloved: 1. That she address, head on, the cycle and work with a trained specialist alone and in a couples setting and 2. That we re-locate to the state where my support network is. These are also folks who love and support her.

These feel like fair limits but I would like to know more of what others think.

Thanks again for the support and feedback. I feel so much better knowing there are others who are experiencing this and that I can learn from.

Rosebud7

[JoeBPD81]

We learn from each other. I'm sure people will learn from your posts too. Even if you can only offer your ear, we all need to be heard and to know we are not alone.

I'm sorry to hear about your PTSD. Some theories understand BPD as a very complex PTSD.

Don't think most people have the ability to remain untriggered. I've been described by friends as "the most patient man", and I can't navigate the dysregulation while keeping my calm and my focus. Time and time again, I engage, when I know I shouldn't. For me it was very important the realization that no one wins an argument. We both feel awful afterwards. Fighting back never pays off. We all feel it can make a difference, "if only this time she listens... .", but we have the experience that it doesn't.

Even as we know, we are all human, and we are emotionally invested. We all get arousal and our feelings become dysregulated, and our communication ineffective. So we not only need to know, we need a lot of practice and patience. And a lot of self forgiving, and self support. How are you on those fields?

This is not a success only journey, but that doesn't mean we won't get there.

Being close to your network of support is a great idea. And if she can work in herself, as you are working on yourself, both of you will benefit from it. She deserves to get help managing the pain and the discomfort she feels. I hope she takes it. You might need to tell her that you know it is a scary step.

Keep us posted, will you?

[Dignity&Strength]

Welcome, I'm fairly new here too. I think getting back to your support network is good. I can not get back to mine except through social media, and a few weeks visit at a time, about twice a year. My uBPDh refuses to acknowledging there's anything wrong with him. So, I would try to have my mind made up to be on the same team, and be prepared to not give ultimatums. Like someone else said, it may be helpful to acknowledge that a move is scary. Best wishes and welcome!
Dig