I'm in the midst of an affair

[OverThinker]

Morning Overthinker,
I hope you've had a great weekend of thinking, I certainly have. Have you read the article below. I think it's very interesting and may make you think about the evolution of your new relationship.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

I'd like to hear your thoughts on the article, there are many more similar articles on the website for you to cogitate.

Hi Enabler, thank you for your post. I had a fairly decent weekend thanks for asking. Glad you enjoyed yours. My sleep was somewhat restless but overall not a bad weekend. I have read the article you linked but read it fast. So much of it appears to describe what I've experienced. I'm having trouble with the tone of it though. Some of it seems, I don't know... .kind of mean. I'm going read it again when I have the time to really digest it and comment more afterwards.

I do appreciate your help and input as well as everyone else's in this forum. Truly a remarkable group of people here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Enabler]

Hey overthinker,

I don’t disagree with your point about that article, it is written in such a way that doesn’t promote a sense of compassion. I understand how and why it is written in this way, there are many different individual experiences people have with their pwBPD, some mildly confusing and others downright terrorising and life threatening. The article might appeal more to the person who feels embittered towards their pwBPD, struggling to understand how and why their relationship evolved in such a confusing manner. I don’t think it’s an unfair description of my experience for example.

This is just one of many articles you will find and I hope you get the chance to explore more of them in your search for understanding and rationalisation. BPD is a spectrum disorder therefore there is a full range of experiences, some people may not experience suicide attempts or self harm, but they will have their property destroyed and physically assaulted, others will have constant divorce threats. It really depends on how the pwBPD “chooses” to cope with the intense feelings they have.

We’re all here to help you on your journey whether that’s with you pwBPD or returning to your wife in hope of reconciliation.

[OverThinker]

Hi snwo, I appreciate your input

Hi Overthinker.
I'm wondering -- was she married to this prior guy?  What has her relationship history been like?  Was that a red flag you chose to ignore.

The thing is -- they start out idolizing you, and after being invisible to my wife for years it was completely intoxicating.  But then once she had me completely hooked, I was walking on eggshells.

For your daughter, for your friends, for yourself -- take some time out.  It will be incredibly painful, but the right thing  to do I think.

No she was not married to him. She is divorced and has been for 10-12 years i think and has a teenage son from that marriage. I do not know what, if any, relationships she had during those 10-12 years. She would talk about some of the relationships prior to being married. The red flags were with regards to all her past relationships where she indicated she was either abused physically or cheated on. It just seemed that all her relationship failures were never her fault. Another red flag was she feels everyone (friends, family, acquaintances and so forth) is out to get her or take advantage of her in some way.

Yes, I can completely related to everything in your second paragraph from being invisible to my wife to the idealization to her intoxicating attention to walking on eggshells.

I plan to, and am, taking some time for myself. Not for my daughter or my friends sake but for my own. I know I need to step back and reevaluate all of this. It's something I planned on doing and my counselor suggested it as well. He recommended 4 weeks of no contact and to try to get her to seek counseling or come to terms with regard to her hypervigilant  and suspicious nature during this break. We broke up before I could discuss it with her. I will try to stay NC for the duration. If she reaches out in the meantime I don't know what I'll do. I will probably reply with something like I need more time and leave it at that and just wait and see how it plays out.

I assume you had an affair too? Did you reconcile with your wife?

[Seenowayout]

Hi Overthinker,

That sounds like a good plan.  I know if my ex had agreed to therapy, and admitted that  anything at all was ever her fault, the relationship might have had a chance.  But it's now solidly over.  You can't fix people who do not admit to themselves that they are broken.

Yes, mine was an affair too.  I am in the process of divorce.  My wife and I are on friendly terms, she doesn't want the divorce, for religious and other reasons.  But how do you go back?  In my case, I've told her for years I needed more, and she pretty much ignored me.  And if you force someone to love you because you want/need love -- what good is that?

I wish you the best.  I look forward to hearing how things work out.