Hi to you all!
Well, short story: I had a PERFECT relationship with a gir for 15 about months. Honeymoon all these months long. It was always "how much I love you, promish me you will never leave me, promish me we´ll be together for ever, I love you so much that I´m afraid... ."all these things you all have heard. We hardly had arguments, just few little child tantrums she got (f.e. during a trip, we arrived late to a town because she wanted to stay more time in the bed with me, told her to stop in our way to that town and eat by, as if we don´t it´ll be too late and we will not be able to eat, but she wanted to eat there, when we arrived everything was closed, couldn´t eat, and got angry, during other trip I felt sick during the breakfast, she got angry because we couldn´t enjoy our last hollyday´s breakfast... .) this kind of things, but she was like that for a few minutes and then she apologised and was back to herself.
Well you have more details here in case you want them:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=320587.msg12935739#msg12935739Everything was extremely perfect until during a great stress period for her (her final medicine exam). I supported her during all this period, cheering her up when she was down, calming her down when she argued with her fam because of the stress, making plans I knew she´d love, even going on hollydays reallly far away from our town to a place I didn´t really like cause she told me that may hel her with the stress.
Then, one day I wasn´t able to text her back when she was feeling down, she got mad, she literally changed from the lovely person I knew and I fell in love with to someone completely different, unable to reason, who felt nothing for me and who was able to act extrmely cold and mean.
Well, what i´ve learnt so far. After reading here and there for months, I can assure she has BPD traits, and she had a lovely childhood with caring parents, BUT I know she was bullied at school (never hit, just laugh of from the other girls and that kind of things, like telling her to meet somewhere, and find herself there alone while the other girls were hidding and laughing on her) and I also know that some of her direct family have had mental issues (depression, binge shopping, binge sunbathing etc).
I´ve asked me so many times... .what if I had had the phone on me that time and I had answered her. Well, then probably she wouldn´t have painted me black... .at that moment, but she´d have done it at some other moment, as nobody can be perfect and available 24/7 for other. At this point I can be sure that I did nothing wrong. Itreated her like a princess during all the relationship and everybody (her best frien and herself included) have told me that, but it was me the one who needed to accept that.
She painting me black was probably because she felt abandoned when I dind´t answer, and she felt I failed her. But that´s the clue... .SHE FELT that, even if it was not real as I called her to support her as soon as I could, as all the other times. I did NOTHING wrong. That was somethin inner to her, not my fault at all.
So what if she had painted me black some years after that, maybe with a house or a kid in common. That would had been horrible.
After painting me black she started blaming me for some absurd stuff and finally she found the way to end everything in a bad way. She asked me for some money that she wanted to pay for me as a reward for al the effort I was doing to support her during her exam, and two days after she dumped me and kept asking. Obviously I felt used, like she cared about only about the money and I meant nothing to her.
I gave her a part (it was about our hollydays) and told her to pay our hollydays equally but she wasn´t reasoning, she NEEDED to seee me as a bad guy. And that´s the problem with them, they do not want, they need. They never loved you, they needed to be loved by you, to love you, etc... .
Then when se refused she blamed me about things I should be blaming her, or actually, she should blaming her:
-She told me I broke my word as I told her two days before she dumped me that I would give her the money, when actually she broke all her promishes, she wanted to pay that for me and then she asked for it two days before dumping me.
-She told me I was acting mean when dumping sbdy you told you love the most during more than a year, out of the blue and ask him to give you back some money you spent on him as a reward and a present... .that´s mean.
-She told me I was showing her somebody different to the person she knew, but you never end to know well a person, when she was the one who suddnely started to feel, act, behave and be like a different person.
So to sum up: You all need to realise that all that happened is not your fault. It´s not fair, I get, I feel it. But world´s not pink, not fair. And all this stuff is something related to a problem THEY HAVE AND WILL HAVE, but you won´t have anymore.
They will try to project their faults on you as they can assume they are the way they are. It´s way easier for them to blame you than to accept their fault as a grown up healthy person can do.
It will get easier. You will start feeling better. Don´t worry if it takes 4,5,6 or 7 months. Give you time. You have been hurt by the one you loved and trusted more. It´s normal and healthy to feel bad. You would be a cold ___ty person if you dind´t. You wouldn´t be human.
Just wanted to share that. I really hope it can help some of you. And remember, you are not alone. Most of us here have been trough sthing similar. People who hasn´t been trough this can´t understand the pain. The obsession and addiction. I´ve read so many people saying that they are suffering way more for these few months relationship than for they 10 years broken marriage.
Keep reading, keep posting, once you are ready go out and party (don´t force yourself to ir, I did it and it was worst, give you time), keep hanging out with friends (force you to do that in case you don´t want to, but don´t keep talking them about your ExBPD month after month... .just try to hang out and forget about it even for a minute). Workout once you are ready (boxing has always helped me, find your own boxing). And be patient!
Best wishes to you all. I´ve read about so many amazing people over here!=)
