Building an action plan, need guidance

[RolandOfEld]

WW, Redeemed, Speck, thank you being with me on this and helping me keep a clear head. Today's post will be a little stream of consciousness since I'm totally worn out and feel a bit on the brink.

Last night she was in her post fight super nice mode, which I think is how she processes shame following an outburst. But before bed we argued, which eventually changed from an argument to something that came within the vicinity (maybe 3 miles) of a genuine conversation about how we both felt about the situation (how much it hurt that I called the police, how I'm not empathetic to the fact that she's been home for 4 years and is now struggling to get a job, the pressure it puts on me when it feels like she's trying to get me fired). It ended with me empathizing, saying that I got lost in all the details and pressure and arguments and forgot about her feelings. She cried. It was a sincere attempt to empathize. But we know the truth of how hard empathy is when someone spends most of the time emotionally torturing you. Before I learned about BPD I was really started to thinking I was a cold monster without empathy. 

In response to everyone's great thoughts about responsibility and caretaking, I do worry about her job because I'm still thinking in the context of the four of us. Salaries here are extremely low, and I even though mine is decent by local standards its still barely make enough to support us alone. My dad has said he will pitch in financially if we split and I have to send the kids to full day preschool, but I don't want to live that way forever. Before this mess, I was kind of counting on her going back to work and bringing in a second salary, together or not. If she's not in the picture I don't yet know how to make it work financially. But she can't be in the picture can she, because living with her is driving all of us out of our mind! The future is not what matters now, but saving us all in the present. I can't focus on our long term financial future right now.

My dream is to run a website with content that helps people build life skills and to make good money doing it. I keep this dream to give me hope of some financial salvation in the future. It feels like the past and present and future are all fighting for my attention and its exhausting. I feel like an [expletive deleted] for secretly getting ready to separate from her while she has taken care of our kids for 4 years and at times done a good job (if we conveniently ignore the abuse for a moment). This is what it feels like to feel responsible for another human being's life and to not know how to stop feeling that way. I guess I'll get there.

ROE

PS - As it turns out she didn't destroy or throw away my new clothes, only hid them. She gave them back.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi zachira, so sorry I almost missed your response. Thank you. Could you explain a bit more about motivational interviewing?

~ROE

[zachira]

Reply to request for more information on motivational interviewing:
Motivational interviewing uses techniques that were developed to work with alcoholics and drug addicts. The techniques are based on meeting the person where they are at in terms of motivation, including having no motivation whatsoever to do anything.  For many years, these techniques have been considered the most effective intervention for getting alcoholics and drugs addicts to get sober/clean and to stay sober/clean. Motivational interviewing is now used for all kinds of behavior change, and it is easy to learn.  Google "motivational interviewing" and you will find all kinds of information. There are plenty of books on "motivational interviewing" on Amazon, last time I checked.

[Radcliff]

I feel like an [expletive deleted] for secretly getting ready to separate from her while she has taken care of our kids for 4 years and at times done a good job (if we conveniently ignore the abuse for a moment). This is what it feels like to feel responsible for another human being's life and to not know how to stop feeling that way. I guess I'll get there.

Roland, I can completely relate to this.  My wife has some outstanding parenting behaviors.  When she wasn't abusing me, she was so good that friends in the neighborhood all asked her for parenting advice.  I admire her for so many things.  But one of the abuse books I read said that you can't be a good parent if you are abusing your spouse.  That makes sense, but it takes a while to understand it in your gut.

PS - As it turns out she didn't destroy or throw away my new clothes, only hid them. She gave them back.

Oh, the memories.  Been there, done that.  One could argue that she just hid my stuff for a while, and didn't destroy it, but messing with the stuff I needed to get to work contributed to me not feeling safe in any aspect of my life.  I am still reeling from the trauma of that lack of safety, and will only heal from it slowly with a lot of hard work.  Outsiders might not see the seriousness, but it's about exerting control and stripping away safety.  Even if she is not fully conscious of the damage done to you, the damage is the same.  If this feels like a big deal to you, and it's disorienting that it doesn't seem like a big deal to outsiders, you are not alone.  I lived it.  It's a big deal.  You are not overreacting to take strong action to stop that abuse.

WW

[RolandOfEld]

Thank you, zachira, I had a look at MI online and it is a very interesting concept that I could possibly apply at some point.

Hi WW, thanks for reminding me I'm not alone. Your experience has been such a help during this time. How did you interact with your wife while you prepared the restraining order and made your plans, and how did you communicate it to her when the time came? Direct conversation, email?

I'll put the same question regarding communication to the group as well. The truth is I'm not ready to separate just now, legally, logistically, and to a small degree, emotionally. Depending on how long everything takes, it could be weeks or months. When I visualize it I always spring the separation plan like a trap, suddenly notifying her (assuming I've got some kind of legal document to back it up by then). But I really don't want to do it that way.

How should I communicate with her during this time leading up to a proposed separation? She keeps wanting to work on the marriage but in my heart I'm already trying to leave it. If it was just the two of us with no kids, I would have just moved out one night by now. I do hold out hope for future reconciliation but right now its a matter of me and my children's survival to break with this person, at least for a period.

I'm not going overboard to maintain the image of a loving husband, but I'm trying to keep the home life stable to a degree. I feel guilty for hiding all the things I'm doing in preparation while pretending things are normal at home.

When we argue I do bring up separation and the kids with me, but it all gets swept under the rug when the fight is over because after all we have to keep on living together for the moment. And I think my wife is too scared to separate for real, even though she's the one who threatens it about 5 times a week.

Should I start discussing a "soft separation" and then move to make it official after I get the documents?

Thanks for your thoughts.

ROE

[Radcliff]

How did you interact with your wife while you prepared the restraining order and made your plans, and how did you communicate it to her when the time came? Direct conversation, email?

Roland, let me answer your question directly, though I don't know if my exact experience will be relevant for you.  My separation was initiated with a restraining order with a moveout requirement (meaning my wife had to leave the home within 15 minutes of being served).  It was a total surprise to her.  It took about two weeks for the lawyer to draft it and get it approved by a judge.  Those two weeks were excruciating, because she was tripling her pressure on me, with severe gaslighting, and I was worried that she would beat me to the punch and get a restraining order against me first (this may have been unlikely, but she had threatened so many times in the past I still felt severe anxiety over it).  Because of the seriousness of the situation, the drastic nature of my action, and the seriousness of her potential countermeasure (false accusation of DV with a restraining order taking me away from my kids) I could not tell her what I was doing.  I would have liked to have a lower threat situation where more open dialogue was possible.  Perhaps you feel more comfortable with some dialogue?  Just the same, I would talk this through with your lawyer.

One thing I did to give things a last chance was go get the restraining order approved by a judge, but not serve it for a couple of days.  During this time, I had discussions with her trying to get her to sign up for a batterer's class and take responsibility for the abuse.  I talked with her until just a couple of hours before the restraining order was served, asking for her help in healing from the abuse, to which she said "That's your problem."

For your particular situation, you might want to post over on the Family Law board.

WW

[Lucky Jim]

My wife has some outstanding parenting behaviors.  When she wasn't abusing me, she was so good that friends in the neighborhood all asked her for parenting advice.  

Wentworth: Same for me.  My BPDxW was trained as an elementary school teacher and had a talent for parenting.  Nevertheless, as you note, her abuse affected me and, indirectly, our kids.

Roland: I think you are doing the right thing by getting your ducks in a row.  Maybe you could speak with a T about the best way to handle the actual breakup, when the time comes?  There's no easy answer.  I went through a similar holding pattern after determining that my marriage had broken down beyond repair.

LuckyJim


I am locking this topic because it has reached its size limit.  For a continuation, please see Part 2:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322152.0