I feel my best when I am away from her

[Survivor09]

Hello,
I've been married for almost 9 years to someone who has been diagnosed as BPD. My life has been absolutely miserable from the first day of our marriage. we dated for 2 years prior to getting married. Although I saw some immature behaviors, they were nothing in comparison to what I began to experience immediately after getting married.

for the first several years of my marriage. I was unaware of what her condition was but I have recently learned and am becoming more aware of how it functions. We have 2 small children who are my biggest concern. I'm so tired of arguing and being accused of not making her happy. She's not a nice person at all, but there are days that she acts nice but it doesn't last.

Mentally and emotionally I'm so drained. She blames me for everything and she's never ever happy. I feel my best when I am away from her and I feel like I'm the only one giving emotionally in the marriage because she doesn't appear to have the capacity to really love my children and I the way that we desire to be loved. However, she never stop begging for love, affection, and attention even after being emotionally abusive to me, she expects me to not be effected by her erratic behavior and just keep showering her with affection.

I am completely turned of by her mean, insensitive and hateful behavior. However I do love her and I really wish that she could get better but it doesn't seem like its going to happen. I really don't know what to do. My wife's therapist suggested that I seek a support group to help me cope because my wife will more than likely not change because she is not willing to accept responsibility and take treatment seriously. Once again I am now concerned about how this will effect my children. I'm miserable and I hope they are not as well

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Survivor09,

Welcome

I'm sorry that you have been experiencing so many difficulties in your relationship. I know how much of a toll it can take on your emotions and how constant conflict can drain away all hope. But you've found a great place for support.

It's hard to separate your W's feelings of being unhappy from yourself when she blames you for so much of her unhappiness. Do you think she would still be unhappy even if you did everything perfectly? Of course it's impossible to be perfect, but it's a question worth considering. The answer may help you see that it's not you; it's her.

Have you looked into her T's suggestion of finding a support group? Do you have friends or family that can help support you when needed?

[pearlsw]

Mentally and emotionally I'm so drained. However, she never stop begging for love, affection, and attention even after being emotionally abusive to me, she expects me to not be effected by her erratic behavior and just keep showering her with affection.

I am completely turned of by her mean, insensitive and hateful behavior.

Hi Survivor09,

A lot of us can relate to what you've described! It may be possible, if you learn some of the skills here, and adjust your thinking and expectations to have an improved situation. It's different in each case.

Have you read about validating for example? That can help her to feel more understood and diffuse things at times.

warmly, pearl.

[juju2]

Hi,

You are in the right place!

There is a support group I go to, it's al anon, it's for codependent.  If you want to go, there are meetings all over, it's suggested you try 6 different meetings, to see which one or two you like.

It helps me because its about keeping the focus on me, letting me know I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.

It's for people who are in insane situations, it could be living w someone who is addicted to something, it could be that i am too concerned about others.

There may be other groups.  This group is good because there are many meetings to choose from, it's anonymous, and i meet people who are also dealing with a lot.

Also, I learned about self care there. 

I was not aware how much self care makes a difference for me.

Thanks!

juju

[Survivor09]

Thanks juju2,

I am definitely open to any support I can get because this relationship is really taking a toll on me

[Radcliff]

Hello Survivor09,

I remember being in your shoes.  It's a heavy load.  My kids are 13, 17, and 19 now.  I didn't find this place until a year ago, but wish I'd found it when the kids were small.  I'm sorry for how bad you must feel about the situation, but the fact that you've realized that you're dealing with BPD and you've reached out for help relatively early in your marriage and when your kids are still young is a huge thing for your family.  You've taken a step that is more important than you realize 

The most important bit of advice I can give you is to become a regular here.  This place can handle anything you throw at it.  Living with a spouse with BPD can be tremendously isolating, because friends and family may not understand much about what you are going through.  Focus on your own thread here at first, but when you feel comfortable, venture out and comment on the threads of others.  Become part of the community.  We will support you.  I went through the parenting small children years alone, and don't want that for you.  We'll help keep you benchmarked to reality, and will help you learn coping tools that can make things better.

Tell us a little more about your family.  How old are your kids?  Sons?  Daughters?

WW

[Survivor09]

Hello WW,

Thanks for your kind words. It really does mean a lot just knowing that someone else understands what I am dealing with. My daughter is 5 and my son is 4. I work for the department of corrections as the director of spiritual care. I also do community work. This online community has been very encouraging for me even though I'm still trying to learn how to navigate through the site.

Survivor09

[Radcliff]

Survivor9,

A good place to start is the "Lessons" on the right side bar.  There is a ton of stuff to read here.  It feels overwhelming at first.  Don't worry, that's normal.  This is a lot to learn, and it's a challenge to put into practice.  It's a read, re-read, try, fail, re-read, try, succeed kind of thing.  One of the powerful aspects of the message board is working through applying the tools in real life.

Is your wife's therapist experienced in treating BPD?

When you and your wife have an argument, how does it go?  What does she say, and how do you respond?

WW

[Survivor09]

WW,

I have looked at a few articles but you are right it can be overwhelming. I will make a better effort at reading and learning more.

WW, usually arguments start out of nowhere and hit me like a whirlwind. They often begin with her asking a question about something random but it’s never really what she wants to discuss. Underlying her question is always some anger and frustration about something that she wants me to do hat I didn’t do or say or give. When she’s not getting what she wants, her frustration escalates and she just begins to rant about what I don’t do for her and how I don’t care about her and on and on and on. Most of what she says is made up flat out lies. I used to argue with her. More recently I’m doing better at not getting so upset but it still makes me feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m constantly asking her what can I ever do that will make you happy. I could be her flowers and take her on a date one day and the next day she will scream and rant saying that I’ve never bought her flowers or taken her on a date. I can’t ever win with her. Nothing I do takes root. Normally within 24 hours or less, she apologizes and says that it wasn’t my fault and she really loves me, but I don’t really receive her apology because I think she only does it for fear that she may have pushed me away and that’s her biggest fear.

[Radcliff]

I used to argue with her. More recently I’m doing better at not getting so upset but it still makes me feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m constantly asking her what can I ever do that will make you happy.

Great!  You've started to figure out one of the coping strategies.  We call this avoiding justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining (JADE).  I'm willing to bet that you've got a start at this, but still have some ground to cover to master it.  Getting good at avoiding JADE really pays off with reduced conflict.

Normally within 24 hours or less, she apologizes and says that it wasn’t my fault and she really loves me, but I don’t really receive her apology because I think she only does it for fear that she may have pushed me away and that’s her biggest fear.

Before I found out about BPD, I was struggling to figure things out on my own.  One thing I was able to figure out, and it was later backed up by my BPD reading, is that our pwBPD genuinely feel these rapid emotional swings.  For us, it's inconceivable that they could authentically feel these opposites so close in time to each other, so it feels like one must be a lie or false.  But they really do feel, authentically, that we are abusive or disappointing one day, and lovely the next.  Her apologies are likely genuine.  Many, many members here never are lucky enough to get apologies.  Some members can count apologies they hear in a decade on the fingers of one hand.  So, if you're looking for a little good news, and an excuse to make up a little bit, take those apologies.  They are likely genuine.

Take a look at the JADE article, and let us know what you think.  Is there room for improvement there to reduce conflict?

WW

[Survivor09]

WW, Thanks for your insight and advise. I was away over the past couple days on business and it was a busy time but it was also an opportunity for me to breath and recover from our most recent contention.
I am really trying to work on appreciating and accepting my BPDw's efforts to offer positive affirmation and apologies when she's been irrational and acted out of extreme emotions. That's still a hard task.
To answer your question, I am sure that there is room for improvement and there must be something that I can learn to employ as opposed to becoming so upset and arguing with her when I feel antagonized. I briefly began to look at jade and will continue reading. Hopefully one day I will learn to accept my situation as the new normal

[Radcliff]

Survivor09,

There are a lot of skills you can build to help keep yourself from making things worse.  Take a look at the JADE link, try it out, and let us know how it goes.

You're going to be putting a ton of effort into learning and then applying these tools.  You will feel like you're doing more work than your wife.  It is not going to feel fair.  Since the universe must be balanced, you need to be taking care of yourself.  Are you able to exercise and do activities like hobbies or maintain friendships outside your marriage?  I know even without BPD, just with a job, a marriage, and two small kids, having a "life" can be tough.

WW

[Survivor09]

WW,

I’m definitely going try jade. As far as outlets for myself, I do have opportunities to workout and make a few stops at stores or the mall on my way home from work. The greatest benefit I have is my periodic travel for work. However, When I’m gone, I worry about my children. Lastly, I do have friends that I talk to but my wife can’t handle me having friends. So my interaction with family and friends is mostly private. I even sneak to visit my mother periodically because my wife is extremely jealous of my relationship with my mother and anyone else who I may be close to.

[Radcliff]

Jealousy of family and friends is very common.  Many members start to lose touch with their family of origin and their friends out of a desire to keep the peace.  It is important not to let that happen.  Take a look at this page on setting boundaries.  Boundaries are about our actions, not controlling others.  It might be leaving the room for 10-20 minutes when someone is raging at you (telling them when you are going to be back to avoid escalating), or it could mean openly maintaining a relationship with your family of origin.

I'm not suggesting that you be completely open and honest with your wife all the time.  That may not be practical.  But there is a huge cost to concealing things.  One thing it does is make those things more difficult to access.  It's harder to see your mother.  It's harder to see your friends.  Appeasement is a trap, because it may by short term peace, but it's never enough.  It doesn't buy long term serenity.  There are more things that she will have a problem with or not like.  You will have lost something and gained nothing.

You won't be able to have everything you want.  But getting good at setting and maintaining boundaries is a skill you need in order to manage things long term.  You won't be able to change everything overnight; you'll have to pick a place to start.  After reading that boundaries page, can you think of any places where you'd like to try to set a boundary?

WW

[Survivor09]

WW,

I really appreciate you and the others for being so engaging. I am really working on those boundaries. I feel as if I allowed her to manipulate and control me with her behavior and extreme mood swings for so long until I don't even know how to regain my independence. I'm learning a ton on here that is really helping me.
I think one of my biggest issues now is acceptance. It's difficult for me to accept the fact that this is my reality and that it may never change. How do I love someone who is not capable of loving me back the way I want or need to be loved, yet she demands that I love her and give to her everything she wants exactly the way she wants it. It is even difficult at times being affectionate with someone who has mistreated me and been so cruel and then asks for hugs other affection and attention.

[Radcliff]

Survivor09,

Many, many members struggle with acceptance.  Just observe where you are with that.  There is no "should" about what you will accept.  With time, you will need to make the decisions that are right for you.  What you need to accept, though, is still a moving target, since your skills will be improving rapidly.

I'm surprised I haven't recommended the book, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.  It takes a biblical approach to teaching boundaries, which can be awkward for some (I found it a bit distracting) but my therapist recommended it and I found it tremendously useful in revealing to me how boundaryless I'd been and what to do about it.  It complements tools we teach here well.

Have you had any recent successes, even small ones, with using anything you've learned here?

WW

[Survivor09]

Hi WW,

Thanks for all of the resources that you are making me aware of. I definitely will look at the Boundaries book. I have no problem with biblical teachings.

In terms of my success since being apart of this group, I have to say yes. This site has helped me tremendously. What I've learned the most is how BPD works and what my posture should be in the relationship between my BPDw and I. I am gradually learning how to not walk on eggshells and to be more assertive yet less defensive. 

[Radcliff]

I am gradually learning how to not walk on eggshells and to be more assertive yet less defensive. 

Great!
Any examples that might help others?

WW