New member introduction: mom of 27year old BPD daughter

[amillionmiles]

• What type of relationship are you in?
  
  I am the mother of a 27 year old daughter who was recently diagnosed with BPD. Growing up we always knew she had depression and anxiety and she saw therapists and was on medication. She finished college and grad school and was living independently but we didn't know how much she was struggling until she hit rock bottom. She lost her job. She got convicted of a crime. She basically fell apart. So she moved home and we have been helping her get back on her feet but her behavior became increasingly erratic and impulsive. She is doing DBT therapy now and we are trying to be supportive but its been hard. 

• Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD?
  
  One of her younger sisters was never formally diagnosed with BPD but tried to kill herself by overdosing on Tylenol when she was in high school. They originally thought she was bipolar but her therapist thought it was borderline but that she was too young to diagnose. She displayed some strong BPD traits through college but since graduating from college she has somehow found peace and is living a normal life.   

• What is your child's strongest quality?
  
  She is caring and compassionate.

• What are the top challenges your child is facing?
  
  Lack of motivation (just taking a shower is a major struggle), impulse to shoplift. Lying. stealing. Blaming others. not taking responsibility for anything. and now a criminal record so she doesnt know how to find a job.   

• What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child?
  
  The constant blaming and the lack of motivation to do anything   

• How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?
  
  Diagnosed   

• What do you struggle with yourself?
  
  I grieve for the child I lost. I worry about whether she will ever be able to live independently again. and I hate that she blames others for everything   

• Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
  
  If so, what types?
  
  She sees a DBT therapist twice a week, and goes to DBT groups twice a week and we have a family therapist trained in DBT that we see once a week. She was in residential for a month and PHP for a month, both had DBT elements 

• What are your goals at bpdfamily.com?
  
  I feel very lonely and hurt and isolated. I just want to be among people who "get it" and wont judge me when I talk about my mentally ill daughter. There is still such a stigma that I cant talk about it with friends. And talking about it with my spouse isn't easy either 

TAKE THE PLEDGE HERE

My child has a mental illness that has both biological and psychological roots and will need both medical and therapeutic treatment to manage their disorder.    

The social environment in which my child has been raised contributes to the severity of their disorder. I take responsibility for my contribution to that social environment.    

I understand that while my child has difficulty maintaining healthy relationships, they are not totally to blame for the relationship difficulties.    

Influencing change in my child requires love, motivation, validation, and structure.    

Both of us have a role in the “cycle of conflict” and I accept the responsibility to learn and implement conflict diffusion and problem solving skills.    

I welcome challenges from bpdfamily.com members, even when the question and challenge may be emotionally upsetting. I commit myself to speaking the truth in love when challenging other bpdfamily.com members.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Amillionmiles!  Welcome.

You write... ."I just want to be among people who 'get it' and won't judge me when I talk about my mentally ill daughter."  Well... .you hit the jackpot by coming here!

Years ago I was one of those holier-than-thous... .what was happening with the children of others was not going to happen with mine.  Oh no!  I had it in my mind that it really was all about their parenting skills... .mine being so much better.  Well, reality hit for us and it hit hard.  How does one respond to friends whose children are taking ballet, excelling in sports, etc., etc., etc... .and your own is running away, doing drugs, etc., etc... .and more ETC.!

I hope you have taken some time to read posts sent in by people just like you... .like me.  We all have had our share of hurt and the feeling that our hands are tied, unable to help the child we love so much.  We've all grieved because we have suffered a loss... .the loss of the child that was... .and isn't anymore.

Mixed with the posts that are filled with tears, though, are posts that are more upbeat... .changes happening... .good changes!  Yes, Amillionmiles, there is hope.

First of all, take heart that counselling has been made available for you and for your daughter and that work is in progress.  Sounding hopeful!  If you work at it (and I am sure you will) you are going to come out of this much different than when you went in... .better-armed to deal with situations that confront you.   This website has a wealth of information.  Check it out.   

Hopefully you stick with us here, sharing the journey you are taking with your daughter - what works for you and what doesn't.  We will learn from you.  You will learn from us.  Comfort can be found in knowing you are not alone... .others having stories similar to yours.

We all welcome you.   

Huat

[Feeling Better]

Hello amillionmiles, I would like to join Huat in welcoming you.

It is really heartening to hear that your daughter has been diagnosed and is in dbt therapy and that you are supporting her in this. Yes, I agree, it is very hard and it does put a strain on us sometimes when we are deeply involved with supporting another family member. What do you do to take care of yourself?

I am so sorry that you are feeling isolated and alone, and that you don’t feel that you could confide in your friends. I have one good friend who I trust and who I can confide in but my other friends know nothing about my uBPD son. My husband accepts that our son has mental health issues, but like you, I struggle to talk to him about it, he tends to bury his head in the sand. Does your H tend to do that too?

Being here, posting and reading others posts has helped me enormously and I am sure it will help you too, we all ‘get’ what you are going through x

[JustYouWait]

Yo, million -

The two up there said it better than I can, but welcome.  You are not alone.

I feel very lonely and hurt and isolated. I just want to be among people who "get it" and wont judge me when I talk about my mentally ill daughter. There is still such a stigma that I cant talk about it with friends.

That's one of the best things about this place - we get it.  I remember the feeling when I got here and I posted about my daughter's self-harm (my kid likes razors), and I was ready for the "regular world" reaction of horror, and what I got was something like, "razors?  Yeah.  My kid likes knives to self-harm".  I was floored in that I was accepted and the people here just knew.  Like knew-knew.  We have done it.  We are doing it.  We will continue to do it.

The only difference now is that you're here.  And you can do it with us.


(That sounded dirty)... .


(I'm not sorry)


(If I don't find something to laugh about, I'll find something to cry about)

[Speck]

Hello, amillionmiles:

 

I just wanted to join the others here in welcoming you to the family. I know you're having a tough time right now, and I am so sorry for what brings you here.

When we love someone who has BPD, we can feel a mixture of both relief and isolation - both feelings stemming from an understanding of BPD itself. Relief for finding the answers to the questions that have gnawed at us for years, and then, isolation for the stigma associated with this disorder.  It's hard to know where to turn for comfort and support!

In my opinion, you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education.

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so. Make yourself at home. We're always open, and someone's always listening.


-Speck