Is it even posssible that we could mend this breakup?

[The Cat in d Hat]

Has anyone at the end of a discard have been in such a situation where they felt there is no way their pwBPD would come back, and still did? If so, what kind of situation?

In my case, over the span of 2 months,  she ended things, for the 3rd time. Said she needed to work on herself, felt broken (and a lot of other things everyone mentions in the thread with BPD acknowledging there’s something wrong) and wanted to downgrade to just friends. I accepted, but didn’t speak to her for two days, mostly to just build the necessary distance to make this happen. During this, she messaged to tell me she’s changing her number and if I want the new one I should let her know. I didn’t answer, as i hadn’t seen, and when I did, I was in no hurry. She blocked me everywhere, and when I contacted her on the only app that was left, she said the ignoring felt like a slap in the face, and she had to cut me out of her life. And later in the conversation, when a simple misunderstanding about my health issues (I just wanted to relate to some simpler one like anxiety that I have conquered, she just assumed I mean fatal disease) went off saying I lied about everything (earlier I did lie about my name and some general details, eventually told her the truth, it’s a person I met online, who doesn’t protect themselves? Most here agreed with my decision). She said it was all lies. She made the threat of an R/O out of no where and blocked me there as well, and that was it.

So I ask again, after something like this, where it’s possible she either felt so hurt, or betrayed, or was projecting as others have suggested, that it all came down to this. I ask now as it’s has been just over 30 days since, but yesterday I received a call that was ended before I picked up. I am hoping was just a telemarketer, or maybe an accident, but the area code is one I’ve only encountered only from her.

Whether it’s her or not, I’m now again just trying to gauge, that after something like this a pwBPD would still look back? It felt like she was done with me, either done as in felt I’m a liar (which bothers me still but there’s nothing I can do about it) or done as in she just plain doesn’t want to pursue anything with me.

More context, my story https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321313.0

And thank you all in advance, take care.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

its human nature that when a relationship ends badly, after emotions thaw a bit, one or both parties tend to have regret, and would prefer to end things on a better note. that happens all the time, and is not unique to BPD.

theres really no telling in your particular case. you know her best. do you think its likely that eventually she will want to touch base? how do you feel about the prospect of her doing so?

[The Cat in d Hat]

its human nature that when a relationship ends badly, after emotions thaw a bit, one or both parties tend to have regret, and would prefer to end things on a better note. that happens all the time, and is not unique to BPD.

theres really no telling in your particular case. you know her best. do you think its likely that eventually she will want to touch base? how do you feel about the prospect of her doing so?

Personally I wanted to end it on good terms, it just got out of hand given the conversation we had. We never met, so walking away from this is the best option. Restructuring my schedule has been tough as we talked all day everyday.

She initiated NC, and with her r/o threat I have kept it. I’m not sure what I should do, the goal is to not pursue this, so maybe just ignore her.

I wanted to know how others in similar situations, where it seemed so final, a person who sounded like they were so hurt, betrayed, and even went as far as threatening with an r/o came back? Is this common? We didn’t even meet, it was only 2 months. Technically it doesn’t even count as a relationship, even though both acknowledged that it felt like it at times.

So it’s not so much what I’d like to do if she does indeed contact me, it’s more just knowing the chance if it’ll happen, so I’m prepared to handle it. I can’t change my number as I use it professionally, will be able to change few months from now.

[insideoutside]

Back last year when me and my friend fell out it ended horribly with nasty words said by both of us and him threatening me with the police and my husband if I ever contacted him again.  Nine months later he emailed me to ask me ‘how was i’ and that he forgave me!  Less than 8 weeks later we are back to hating each other with nasty things said again after I felt he used me.  I would be amazed if he got in contact with me ever again as I’ve warned him not to or there would be consequences.  The consequences I threatened him with are far too great for him to reach out again I feel.

So never say never.

[Insom]

Hi, Cat in d Hat! 

I wanted to know how others in similar situations, where it seemed so final, a person who sounded like they were so hurt, betrayed, and even went as far as threatening with an r/o came back? Is this common?

Yes, I'd say it's typical for there to be an on-again/off-again quality to relationships with people who have BPD.  People here often use the term "recycle" to describe the breakup/get-back-together cycle.  FWIW, my relationship was ALL recycle.  (We were always either courting or breaking up.  There was never any "middle" to the relationship when things felt steady and normal.)

Are you anticipating a recycle?  What is your plan if she reaches out again? 

[The Cat in d Hat]

Thanks for the responses guys. I haven’t heard from her since, she has maintained NC. I did get that unknown call but I didn’t bother calling back on it as it didn’t happen again. She recently made her Instagram from public to private.

It would be great to ending things amicablely, but I feel indirectly that’s asking for closure, and I don’t think I’ll get any more than I have (she had said things like you don’t want me, I’m not in a good place, you deserve better).

If she came back, there’s just no way this could work. From everyone’s experiences I’ve learned the cycles just get shorter, and even if I wanted to attempt a short term relationship to start, I wouldn’t know where to begin and how even. Advice?

Largely I feel she will not return. To me she sounded like she was so angry that apparently I tried to emotionally blackmail her or manipulate her by saying I’m dying, and I said life is short (I was running on zero sleep from the night before when she blocked me everywhere so a lot of things I just wrote out on autopilot, the phrasing was awful, I was just trying to get a handle on what is happening and why so sudden, why with just a day of ignoring she went ballistic and NC).

Thoughts on what happened? Or her return? If she came back I’m not sure how to handle it. Any guidance on what are my options and how each option should be handled. Thank you.

[Husband321]

There is no telling.

Several times I thought mine would NEVER contact me again.

And she always does.  No matter how nasty it became, she would reach out to say how she misses me, wants to see me etc.  we usually got back together.

Now she moved across the country , and is still doing the same.

[The Cat in d Hat]

One more difference in my case is that we never met (i still have a hard time deciding if that was a blessing or curse). In our last conversation she it was a big reason why she doesn’t want to meet now apparently, all these “lies”, how she doesn’t trust me at all. Even went out to write “I WILL NEVER MEET YOU”, caps and all. Why are they so mean. Was that supposed to inflict the max amount pain?

It’s all this that makes me feel she won’t return.

[Insom]

If she came back I’m not sure how to handle it. Any guidance on what are my options and how each option should be handled. Thank you.

No one here can tell you what to do, but we can support you while you sort it out!  once removed asked a great question.  How do you feel about the prospect of her reaching out again?

It would be great to ending things amicablely, but I feel indirectly that’s asking for closure, and I don’t think I’ll get any more than I have (she had said things like you don’t want me, I’m not in a good place, you deserve better).

If she came back, there’s just no way this could work. From everyone’s experiences I’ve learned the cycles just get shorter, and even if I wanted to attempt a short term relationship to start, I wouldn’t know where to begin and how even. Advice?

What I'm hearing is that there's a desire on your end for closure that you don't think you can get.  And you are wondering if a short term relationship is possible, but you aren't sure how to start one.  Would it be fair to say that you're feeling confused about this relationship?

[The Cat in d Hat]

How do you feel about the prospect of her reaching out again?

I don’t think she will. Others having been speaking of indifference. She may be indifferent now. I may have been written off/split black forever. She has made no attempt in contacting me, and I obviously cannot since her last words were a threat of filing r/o.

What I'm hearing is that there's a desire on your end for closure that you don't think you can get.  And you are wondering if a short term relationship is possible, but you aren't sure how to start one.  Would it be fair to say that you're feeling confused about this relationship?

Its been over 30 days, and I’m prepared to accept that there will be no closure, I have to give it to myself.

I do however want her to come back and I’d like to at least try dating her/str/ltr. I wanted to give it a chance before, even with all the red flags, I just didn’t realize what she was going through. I can’t fix her, but I wanted to at least try this thing out.

Unfortunately there’s nothing I can do but wait and let her come to me, if she comes to me? I would message her but she’d talk about an ex who wouldn’t leave her alone (I’m guessing that was a lie, she told me so many men were after her).

Either way, seems like all I can do is wait? And if so how do I make it work this time, since I do in fact want to try it, in the rare event she does come back?

[AustenJ]

Hey, Cat!

Be thankful you never met in person and that she has gone no contact. Ending things on a good note is nearly impossible with borderlines. Typically that feel-good ending is only for us nons and our closure. pwBPD don't really care about how the relationship ends as long as they get out. They have no empathy, so you would only be ending things on a good note for your own selfish, egotistical reasons. I don't mean to be harsh here, but I am a fixer and a rescuer myself of damsel's in distress, so when a person rejects my kindness and love for no apparent reason and she is nasty about it, I still want to "fix" the ending of the relationship too.  Reaching out in any way only stirs the pot and will lead to more heart ache and possible threats. And it will never end or end well enough.

Let her go and walk away, mate. More than likely she will be back in some shape or form... .no contact is the way. Good luck!

[Insom]

I don’t think she will. Others having been speaking of indifference. She may be indifferent now. I may have been written off/split black forever. She has made no attempt in contacting me, and I obviously cannot since her last words were a threat of filing r/o.

This tells me what you think.  But it doesn't tell me how you feel.  (Do you see the difference?)


How do you feel today?  How do you think you might feel if she reaches out again?  What if she never does?

[The Cat in d Hat]

They have no empathy, so you would only be ending things on a good note for your own selfish, egotistical reasons.

No doubt my ego was bruised. Ironically she called herself an empath, yet I’m not sure she ever felt what I felt. I did want a good ending, all my past breakups were at least neutral, there was some understanding, some closure. This was completely the opposite, and not the usual type of person I’m attracted to.

How do you feel today?  How do you think you might feel if she reaches out again?  What if she never does

-I feel like I’d want to at least talk to her (I went to check her insta again and suddenly it’s public again, I’m still blocked of course. It seems this is her normal move whenever she discards somebody, so maybe some guy was recently dumped, I should invite him here ).
-I feel if she did reach out to me, I would want to try, just unsure how to go about doing that.
-If she never does? I can’t sit and wait, I need to move on, and perhaps that’s the answer to right there?

[once removed]

-I feel if she did reach out to me, I would want to try, just unsure how to go about doing that.
-If she never does? I can’t sit and wait, I need to move on, and perhaps that’s the answer to right there?

if youre interested in reconnecting with her, but not certain that she will reach out, you do still have options.

1. dive in to the lessons and tools directly to the right of the board. ask questions about them, here on this board. practice them with friends and family. if she reaches out, youll be ready. if she doesnt, the good news is that these tools work with everyone, and will help you invaluably in future relationships.

2. dont sit and wait regardless. live your best life. pursue the best version of yourself. it will be mighty attractive if she does reach out. if she doesnt, it will help you in recovery, and it will be mighty attractive to future partners.

[The Cat in d Hat]

I mentioned before on another thread, money was a huge factor for her. If she doesn’t return anytime soon, and suddenly when she knows I have my career in check, I’ll subconsciously assume that’s why she’s  backs. It’ll be hard to reconcile when you feel someone is back just for what material things you can provide. If it was going to be sooner than later, i figured by now it would have happened, so holding out hope seems fruitless.

I have my answer. I’m going to stick to my original decision. She’s gone, and at best when she returns, she'll be a R/O threatening liability, or worse. Over the last month I’ve gone back to my life the way it was before I knew she existed, and I’m sure overtime the throughts will fade away as well.

She left me the best words, even if they were maybe only meant to be hurtful... .“We are two people who existed for each other for a very short time”. From what I understand, she never existed, it was just a mirror.

Thanks everyone for your advice and support.

[The Cat in d Hat]

Of course it’s only been a short while since I wrote all this, but I do miss her. It’ll be quite a road to move on and put her in the past.

[once removed]

things may change, The Cat in d Hat. it really cant hurt to get a grasp on those lessons and tools.

regardless, we will support you in your decision, and be here every step of the way of your journey.

[The Cat in d Hat]

I’ll definitely take a look at all of those lessons/tools. Thank you.

You’re right, things can change, but the thought that’s now stuck in my head is can she change? She told me I was untrustworthy, that I lied about everything. I’m now in a mindset where I believe she is not worth my trust, and maybe she lied about everything. I generally enjoy a challenge, but all things considered, this is not a challenge, this is a no-win situation. I would want to try, as so many others have succeeded with their loved ones, but there’s just too many reasons not to. The sensible yet painful path is maybe indeed to move on and don’t look back. I’m heavily logical person, I need to preserve that, and I don’t see any possible way where I can be with this person, and maintain my logic.

[RandomName]

There were multiple times after the first couple of "just friends" or "this isn't working" type conversations and subsequent recycles that I thought there was no way my upwBPD would contact me, because of the nature or severity of what happened, and what she explicitly said.

However, I think we've had more sex since the first break up (months ago) than before. I can think of eight pretty major "this is definitely the end" moments, more than a few of them being pretty angry or contentious.

But, and I know we're not supposed to encourage people to leave if they're looking for support, and I don't mean to be cruel as I've had long-distance crushes before, but, man, I say cut your losses if you haven't even met. All this drama without any benefit of being literally close? I am certain there are women within your proximity that will be better for you in every way.
 

[The Cat in d Hat]

She was a wild, unpredictable, adrenaline rush. In my case it’s not really co-dependency or validation that I needed from her, it was more about thrill seeking. I’m a calculated risk taker though, and she seems too much of a risk maybe? So my mind is agreeing with most of you who are saying cut your losses and move on, but there will always be part in my heart which will wonder what if? Was this a roller coaster I wanted to ride? That’s not an option right now regardless, but  by then if she does return,  I hope I’ll have moved on and become indifferent myself. Ugh, such a mess.

[AustenJ]

Cat-

By all indications you have a great heart! Don't waste any of it on the "what ifs" with a borderline... .she is not worth any of your heart as she will only utterly destroy it. Your "what ifs" should only be reserved for the wonderful, loving, selfless, compassionate, empathetic, nurturing woman that got away because you were drawn to the siren song of the borderline.

Don't waste your time on the broken ones! You can not fix them! They will only break you!

Get a decent phone you can block her on. Always, Always check your caller I.D. Do not take any calls from unknown/restricted numbers. Park your car in the garage. Keep your rabbits locked in their cages.

You are way too good and too strong to agonize over this person! Her behavior may be intriguing and you may be holding out for sex with her, but resist at all costs! Your mental and physical health are not worth it. Good luck!

[heartandwhole]

The "Bettering a Relationship or Reversing Breakup" board is for members looking to solve specific relationship problems, to be coached on the use of relationship tools, and to examine their role in relationship conflict.

We ask members to refrain from urging participants to exit their relationship. Members post here to find solutions to difficult problems. Please allow them the opportunity.

More info. here: Who should post on this board?

And here:

2.7 Black and White and Otherwise Superficial Thinking: Everyone coming to this board comes from a very complex relationship and there are many factors for them to consider before making serious life decisions; emotional attachments, children/family members, finances, health issues, and other personal issues. Please read carefully what others say, feel free to inquire further, and offer thoughtful opinions consistent with their situation and their state of mind. For example, if a new member comes to the board, brokenhearted after learning their loved one has BPD, it would be inappropriate to state that this person was foolish to enter the relationship, or is foolish for staying, and that leaving is their only option. Staying in contact, or choosing no contact with a person with BPD is an intensely personal decision, and coming to such an important decision takes time and a great deal of introspection. Each individuals process of contact is both fluid and individual, and should be respected.
https://bpdfamily.com/guidelines#superficial

[The Cat in d Hat]

I’m aware this wasn’t a person I can fix. She knew she was broken though, said she wanted to fix herself. I would have easily thought maybe she’d return someday when she feels better, and we’ll take it from there.

It was the unfortunate way things ended that I’m left with these confusing thoughts, where I know what needs to be done but I still do want her. Of course all this was when I hadn’t put BPD together, hard to diagnose someone when your emotionally invested.
 
I honestly don’t have much choice. I know I need to move on at least in the moment. Any suggestions if I should block her on my social media? She has already gone NC everywhere, IG, SC, WhatsApp, and even said she changed her number (I suspect she hasn’t since last convo was on WhatsApp, but I didn’t try testing anything after the sudden threat of R/o) I didn’t reciprocate the blocking. If I’m expecting her to get in touch would it make sense to leave these venues open at least on my end? Or does it not matter and I should block her as well. I have public IG, should I make it private?

[once removed]

Any suggestions if I should block her on my social media? She has already gone NC everywhere, IG, SC, WhatsApp, and even said she changed her number (I suspect she hasn’t since last convo was on WhatsApp, but I didn’t try testing anything after the sudden threat of R/o) I didn’t reciprocate the blocking.

i wouldnt. blocking is dramatic, blows things up, burns bridges. and like you said, she shut the contact down, so its not necessary unless youre having great difficulty in not reaching out, or checking up on her, and even then, there are better options.

If I’m expecting her to get in touch would it make sense to leave these venues open at least on my end? Or does it not matter and I should block her as well.

if youre hoping that she will reach out, blocking her makes no sense.

[heartandwhole]

Hi The Cat,

It was the unfortunate way things ended that I’m left with these confusing thoughts, where I know what needs to be done but I still do want her. Of course all this was when I hadn’t put BPD together, hard to diagnose someone when your emotionally invested.

I can understand and relate to your feelings. It's normal to feel conflicted after an experience like this. I'm glad you are posting about it and sorting through your options.

Of course, no one can predict if your girlfriend will come back. I agree with once removed that learning the tools will help you no matter what happens. You'll be ready for her if she does come back, and if not, you will have better relationship skills for someone else. It's a win-win 

I also wouldn't block her on anything. You have the luxury of time right now. Time to practice self-care, to think about things, process what you are going through, and learn tools. This is good news, because if she does engage with you again, you will have better defined your needs and improved your communication skills, for example. Then you'll be able to look at what is being offered from a strong and confident perspective, rather than a place of missing her. Does that make sense?

I know you've said you are a logical person. How are you dealing with your feelings these days?

heartandwhole

[The Cat in d Hat]

I feel something unique, new to me, how unsettling and intense those two months, and odd and empty this last month felt. I feel betrayed in a way, and don’t quite know how to process all this. I keep thinking about her, hoping she just reaches out sooner than later. Then every so often I read another post of someone who regrets recycling, and I feel the exact opposite way. I’m in healthcare, my compassion is bred in, and I have hard time splitting her being love interest and not a patient. I can’t even be upset properly.

[heartandwhole]

I’m in healthcare, my compassion is bred in, and I have hard time splitting her being love interest and not a patient. I can’t even be upset properly.

Have you thought about talking to a professional about this? Seeing a therapist really helped deal with my feelings and also see the relationship and situation from a different perspective.

I highly recommend it, especially if you find someone that’s a good fit.

heartandwhole

[randomuser94]

I feel something unique, new to me, how unsettling and intense those two months, and odd and empty this last month felt. I feel betrayed in a way, and don’t quite know how to process all this. I keep thinking about her, hoping she just reaches out sooner than later. Then every so often I read another post of someone who regrets recycling, and I feel the exact opposite way. I’m in healthcare, my compassion is bred in, and I have hard time splitting her being love interest and not a patient. I can’t even be upset properly.

I can relate to your feelings. My relation of 2years+ blew up all of a sudden, i had to see her with someone else since day 1. I felt so betrayed and hurt, and she kept hurting me for 2 months. I wasn't able to understand why she would do this to me. The pain was so strong and deep, but at the same time i still wanted her back. I still do actually if I think about it, but the time is not right.
  Of course everyone regrets cycling. It's not something normal that you find in a strong relationship. The worst part is that you know that it will come again if you go back, and you have to deal with that tought. Imagine going trough the pain you are going now againd and againg. Right now you just want the relation you had before because it will help you escape the pain and emptiness you have now. This won't be healty on the long run.
  Find your hapiness in your life without your loved one, value yourself, accept what's happening and move on. Once you find your happiness others will be drawn to it(including your ex), but don't do this to get him back. Do it for you(you deserve it).

[The Cat in d Hat]

Have you thought about talking to a professional about this? Seeing a therapist really helped deal with my feelings and also see the relationship and situation from a different perspective.

I highly recommend it, especially if you find someone that’s a good fit.

heartandwhole

I have, and she was suggesting I get out of this every session I spoke to her about it, as it seemed like an emotional rollercoaster even before BPD came into play. I’m beginning to see she doesn’t get a free pass just because I’m compassionate. I have gone from hoping she comes back, to just wanting to talk and clarify things, down to now just not wanting to deal with her at all ever again.

I’ll continue to miss the person she was before, even if it was an act, but putting myself back in that mess doesn’t feel like an option for me anymore.

[AustenJ]

Hey, Cat-

I'm not trying to push you away from her; I'm just sharing my experience. You can do what you wish... .if you want to attempt a relationship with her when she returns, then that's totally up to you. Forgive me for trying to tell you how to live your life... .not my intent.