My second post in a day: break-up happened in between

[hopeinaskirt]

Hello all,

I made a very long post earlier today in one of the other boards about how to potentially continue my relationship with a partner with BPD. He'd been splitting on me for a week, including breaking up with me, but I was expecting him to come back to me today because he's done that before.

Instead, he re-confirmed the break-up! It's probably important to note that we were in an open relationship and he has another partner who lives with him, so he has a back-up that he can immediately move on to idealising and devaluing.

I am not interested in getting back together with him now, so that's not an issue. I was completely, totally committed to him and trying so so hard to make things work -- but now that I know that they can't work no matter how hard I try, there's no way I'll be in a romantic relationship with him again. I've had a long talk with my best friend and we looked back at so many of the contradictory things he's said and done, and I feel like I have a whole new perspective on it.

The biggest part though is that for me, I don't chase someone who I know doesn't really want me. And I know he doesn't, no matter what he says. Or at least, he doesn't want me, specifically. He just wants someone.

However. He is often suicidal and he doesn't have a big support network, so going completely No Contact immediately feels really wrong to me. Because of his fears of abandonment, it would probably trigger him; and also his other partner travels a lot for work, so him being alone in the house will not be good.

I think once I've recovered a bit, I would be open to being friends with him, if only to be able to raise the alarm if he attempts suicide again. But how do I do this (i.e. be friends) and keep myself safe at the same time? Is it possible?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Mutt]

Hi hopeinaskirt,




What a rollercoaster ride with making up and breaking up I bet that you felt a lot of different things today. You probably already know that a pwBPD lack impulse control and feelings are quicksilver.

Im not saying to ignore him but do you think it would be a good idea to wait for s couple and see if contacts you back in that and you can gage if you’re both done with the r/s?  If your choice is to be friends I think it’s a good idea to remain minimal contact that way it assuages abandonment anxiety.

If friendship is something that you want I’d suggest that you have strong boundaries is he the typos that remains friends after a r/s is over?

[hopeinaskirt]

Hi hopeinaskirt,




What a rollercoaster ride with making up and breaking up I bet that you felt a lot of different things today. You probably already know that a pwBPD lack impulse control and feelings are quicksilver.

Im not saying to ignore him but do you think it would be a good idea to wait for s couple and see if contacts you back in that and you can gage if you’re both done with the r/s?  If your choice is to be friends I think it’s a good idea to remain minimal contact that way it assuages abandonment anxiety.

If friendship is something that you want I’d suggest that you have strong boundaries is he the typos that remains friends after a r/s is over?

Hello!

Yeah, I had and have a lot of feelings about it. I am still upset but I know it is probably good for me in the long run.

I'm definitely not going to contact him first, and I've told him I don't want to see him for a few weeks. I am done with the romantic relationship, though I don't think he is; I think he'll try to recycle me at some point in the future. And I think he would definitely want to stay friends, partly because of that.

I know boundaries are important, but I'm not sure what kind of thing to set.