The “fixer” in us

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Many of us have a “fixer” mentality. Albeit an empathetic attribute, I have held on to this attribute far too tightly. To my own demise. Cutting to the chase, this can accommodate the path to losing one’s identity in a close and personal relationship.  Maybe I should throw in the term “toxic”.

I have read, in several places on the net, that this mentality is unhealthy. I agree that we are not responsible for how others feel. I also believe that yield has to be given to the very large grey area that lies between me, that statement and the other person involved.

I have big concerns about my narcissism and thinking that I can fix things. I’ve failed time and time again, but I came across my ex, who I thought needed rescuing, and went all in. I failed. Her, the children and myself. 100%.

Is the real work done in the grey area? Do we learn to only worry about our own feelings and leave the other party to only worry about their own? Or do we try to learn a healthy balance of this in the grey? What I’ve read about moveable boundaries resonates with me here. Am I on the right track in my thinking? You’re all wonderful and I’m blessed to be with you all. You’re helping me so much. It’s been a rough weekend and I’m glad that I can spill it here.

[JNChell]

Many of us have a “fixer” mentality. Albeit an empathetic attribute, I have held on to this attribute far too tightly. To my own demise. Cutting to the chase, this can accommodate the path to losing one’s identity in a close and personal relationship.  Maybe I should throw in the term “toxic”.

I have read, in several places on the net, that this mentality is unhealthy. I agree that we are not responsible for how others feel. I also believe that yield has to be given to the very large grey area that lies between me, that statement and the other person involved.

I have big concerns about my narcissism and thinking that I can fix things. I’ve failed time and time again, but I came across my ex, who I thought needed rescuing, and went all in. I failed. Her, the children and myself. 100%.

Is the real work done in the grey area? Do we learn to only worry about our own feelings and leave the other party to only worry about their own? Or do we try to learn a healthy balance of this in the grey? What I’ve read about moveable boundaries resonates with me here. Am I on the right track in my thinking? You’re all wonderful and I’m blessed to be with you all. You’re helping me so much. It’s been a rough weekend and I’m glad that I can spill it here.

[Jeffree]

JNChell,

For me, reading about such things is one thing, but living it is a whole different thing.

What I find for myself is that I am who I am. I can read all I want about things that would be better for me to change about my approach to life, but in the end, what little change I can foster will still be done in the context of who I am.

Thus, let's say that I am a "fixer" and that I can get where I want to be in life in a supposed faster, better way if I stopped spending so much time trying to fix people and shifted that to helping them (instead of fixing) and spending more time helping myself, too. That anyone who I can't have at least a 50-50 relationship with I need to move away from, because I am no longer in the fixing business.

Even though this might make complete logical sense to me, in practicality I might only be able to shift my approach slightly just because I'd been fixing relationships in one form or another for one reason or another for 40 years.

JNChell, I think to feel as though you failed anyone is a bit too harsh. It's a spot where if someone you cared about said those things within earshot of you, you'd try and "fix" them and make them feel better about thinking this way. I suspect you would be well served by laying some "fixing" onto yourself and make you feel better about your attempts to be an active part of the solution in your family than being a part of the problem.

To me, fixing is a detriment to us fixers only if we don't use any of that healing salve of ours on our own wounds.
 
J

[Skip]

What I’ve read about moveable boundaries resonates with me here.

What have you read?

[JNChell]

Basically that it’s okay to have flexibility with our boundaries. That they don’t have to necessarily immovable. I read it from one of the veterans here on the site. Maybe Lucky Jim or Mutt? I don’t recall exactly who. I took it as the boundaries we set can sometimes be situational.

[Mutt]

Hi JNChell,

I like your points, especially the one about narcissism I struggle with that but narcissism is also healthy to a degree because if we didn’t have it then would we be looking after ourselves, our needs it’s essential for self care.

I feel like you that  I enabled a lot in my r/s i was a fixer and helper and I’m more aware of those behaviours today and try to curb them albeit I’m not perfect. That being said I think those helper qualities have a contribution that helps others and it helps you. Think about the compassion that you give to members, it feels good and it makes others feel good too.

I think these qualities can be channeled in a healthy manner volunteering to help others is an example. Can you think positive ways of channeling your compassion?

[Skip]

I think the answer to your questions will be found in tracing things back to the root or source.

Being a "fixer" is unhealthy when the motivations are fulfilling of our needs rather than the fulfillment of others needs. A lot of fixing is about being the "superior" person in the relationship - building our self esteem. One sign that we are on this track is when we see we are "helping to our detriment" - which usually means we are driven by questionable motives. Another sign is the recipient doesn't feel grateful for what we are doinng - this is usually because or giving is motivated by what soothes us, rather than what helps them.

This is very hard to see this in ourselves. Must "fixers" can't face this easily. It takes a lot of self reflection and openness to see this.

[Lucky Jim]

One sign that we are on this track is when we see we are "helping to our detriment" - which usually means we are driven by questionable motives. Another sign is the recipient doesn't feel grateful for what we are doing - this is usually because our giving is motivated by what soothes us, rather than what helps them.

Good point, Skip.  I like that phrase, "helping to one's detriment," which describes me in my marriage to my BPDxW.  Part of the problem, for me, was thinking that it was "noble" to help one's spouse.  Who doesn't want to be a White Knight?  It feels good, even though it's an unhealthy dynamic.

I would also suggest that men, in general, tend to be "fixers," because that's how we're raised.  In my marriage, I used to be an "emotional plumber," always with wrench in hand, which wore me out over time.

LJ

[once removed]

Part of the problem, for me, was thinking that it was "noble" to help one's spouse.  Who doesn't want to be a White Knight?  It feels good, even though it's an unhealthy dynamic.

i like this bit, as it relates to differentiation:

9. Understanding that I am responsible to others but not responsible for others .

i like to help. its pretty obvious all of us posting here to others do. i consider this an admirable quality.

i also think we need reasonable boundaries in order to best help others. ill just share a story that my best friend relayed to me recently:

his mother was having difficult with living arrangements. shes always having some kind of trouble, and he knows this. hesitantly, he agreed to let her move in with him temporarily. the problems quickly escalated, and she was contacting him endlessly, while he was at work, for money, advice, anything, and his being straightforward, "i am at work", "i cant help", werent doing anything to lessen it.

so he came home and told her she had to go. sounds pretty rough, kicking out your mom. she cried. she pleaded, and she told him she had nowhere to go, the whole nine yards guilt trip. hed seen this before, and knew shed be fine, but he also saw to it. gave her the money he could to help get her into a new place. came over and helped her move.

[heartandwhole]

Great discussion. I think another good point that has helped me in my fixing/rescuing mentality is to refrain from doing what others are perfectly capable of doing.

Sometimes I jump in there so fast that I don't even give the other person a chance to take care of the issue themselves. That doesn't "help" anyone, in my view. 

[once removed]

the karpman drama triangle has a lot to teach us about this too. it puts it in terms of "caring" vs "rescuing"

The rescuer  is a classic enabler. The rescuer feels guilty if he/she doesn't rescue. Yet his/her rescuing has negative effects: it keeps the victim  dependent and gives the victim  permission to fail. It also keeps the rescuer stuck in focusing energy on someone else's problems, not solving his/her own. The rescuer's  line is "Let me help you."

Be caring, but don't overstep. We do not want to let our fears, obligation and guilt to control us or allow us to be manipulated into taking care of another person when it really isn't healthy to do so. Instead of being the rescuer  and doing the thinking, taking the lead, doing more than our share, doing more than is asked of us -  simply be a supportive, empathetic listener and provide reflection, coaching, and assistance if the person asks and is taking the lead themselves. It is important to recognize the other person as an equal (not one-down) and give the other person the respect of letting them take care of themselves, solve their own problems, and deal with their feelings as they choose. Remember, the rescuer  has the most pivotal position on the drama triangle - you are in the strongest position, at least initially, to redirect the dynamic into healthy territory.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[JNChell]

Yes. The drama triangle. That got pushed aside in my mind. There is so much info here. It’s impossible to retain it all. But yes, the rescuer in the triangle.