Two years out, and just heard shocking news regarding my ex

[In a bad way]

I'ts complicated but I was told my ex who I have not seen for nearly 2 years is drinking herself to death and has gone down to 5 stone.
I am in shock, there is so much more.

[Pretty Woman]

In a Bad Way,
     How are you doing after hearing this news about your ex? Please tell us more so we can help you work through this.

   PW

[JNChell]

Hi In a bad way. This must be painful news to receive. I’m sorry that she is still causing you pain. I’d like to follow Pretty Woman’s lead and encourage you to fill us in a little more. Do you know if any of her friends or family are intervening to try to help her? It sounds like she may need to be admitted somewhere to save her. You mentioned that there is so much more. If you’re comfortable with it, would you like to share?

[Speck]

Hello, again,  In a bad way.

I imagine hearing news like that is truly shocking. When you feel up for it, let us know how you're doing, okay?


-Speck

[In a bad way]

Thanks for the replies, I don't think I will be able to convey everything in just this one post.
Some basics.
I went to a christening yesterday so I ended up doing eleven hours on the beer, my anxiety is pretty bad everyday but a combination of too much to drink and hearing what I did everything is off the scale today. My friend that told me was actually working there so she was busy and we couldn't talk much, I see this friend quite often but we never speak about my ex.
I am supposed to text her today to try and fill her in on some details but I can't face texting her because my nerves are bad, also I told my best friend I needed to talk to him but I didn't tell him what about, he has just rang but I couldn't answer the phone.
My ex had a very bad effect on my nerves and I still have more bad days than good.
I have spent months trying to hate her for everything she did but after hearing that yesterday I know I don't . I know that makes me a caring human being but it doesn't help me.
I actually tried to ring her last night ( too many beers) I have not tried to ring her since mid 2015, I don't even know if she is on the same number, it went to voicemail which could be a sign my number is blocked?
I am blocked on facebook and messenger.
She painted me black and I never heard from her again, so in theory I shouldn't even care , it's none of my business and I should be thinking that's karma but I'm not. I'm very upset about it, I could probably find a way to contact her but she wouldn't listen or answer.

[FindingMe2011]

My ex had a very bad effect on my nerves and I still have more bad days than good.

The illness, BPD has the ability to expose our trauma. It doesnt have the ability to create it. Understanding your trauma, could possibly give you more better days, as opposed to bad. It helped myself... .Seeing the grey, and not just the black and white, right or wrong, may also serve you well

also I told my best friend I needed to talk to him but I didn't tell him what about, he has just rang but I couldn't answer the phone.

Is this your ex, attempting to contact you?... .Are you looking to recycle? Is this the kindest thing that could be done, for all involved?

so in theory I shouldn't even care , it's none of my business and I should be thinking that's karma but I'm not.

Caring is one thing. Caring enough to be self defeating, is another. Anger, revenge, spurs on the karma insight, and pain, is at its root

I could probably find a way to contact her but she wouldn't listen or answer.

Yes, and if, an individual wants help, they will SEEK it... Those waiting for an enabler, will also seek, them.

I have spent months trying to hate her for everything she did but after hearing that yesterday I know I don't . I know that makes me a caring human being but it doesn't help me.

It could also mean you are co-dependent... .I would think long and hard, before i opened this door. How have you been lately? Hitting emotional lows, can aid in this type of thinking... .I wish u well, peace

[In a bad way]

Findingme

I realise you are trying to help but I think you have misunderstood everything I said in my last post, or maybe I didn't get it out as well as I thought.
Also I think and actually I know BPD can cause trauma, my relationship left me traumatised, it wasn't there before.

    Is this your ex, attempting to contact you?... .Are you looking to recycle? Is this the kindest thing that could be done, for all involved?       

This has nothing to do with trying to recycle, it was my friend ringing to talk to me as I clearly stated, his name came up on my phone, it wasn't her. She would never ring me.

   It could also mean you are co-dependent... .I would think long and hard, before i opened this door. How have you been lately? Hitting emotional lows, can aid in this type of thinking... .I wish u well, peace         

Nothing to do with being co-dependent, I am worried about her.

[enlighten me]

Hi in a bad way

I used to get anxious about my exgf but don't anymore. When I managed to answer one question the anxiety stopped. The question was what am I afraid of when it comes to her?

After going through a multitude of wrong answers I realised theres nothing to be afraid of. She has no power over me. I don't care if I upset her, I don't care if she tries to use my son against me as she knows I will battle her to the death to keep him in my life, I don't care if she likes me as real people that matter like me, I don't care if she slanders me as the people she can do that to don't matter to me. I'm sure the list goes on and on but Ive yet to find anything that she can do to me that scares me.

[Speck]

In a bad way,

It must be very frustrating to still care and be worried about someone you can't even contact because they've blocked you from everywhere. I'm sorry you're feeling so low.


-Speck

[In a bad way]

Enlightenme

It's nothing to do with any of that, I heard the news about her and it was a shock, it would be a shock if it was a friend.
I'm not callous, if I was I would simply say **** her she's got what she deserves.
 I actually feel at this moment that I am being completely misunderstood apart from the first few replies.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I am not criticising anybody for their replies.

[In a bad way]

In a bad way,

It must be very frustrating to still care and be worried about someone you can't even contact because they've blocked you from everywhere. I'm sorry you're feeling so low.


-Speck

Thank you.

[enlighten me]

Hi in a bad way

It was where you said you couldn't face her due to your nerves and that you didn't answer the phone to your friend that made me think it was something more to do with her causing you anxiety.

Sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick there.

[In a bad way]

Hi in a bad way

It was where you said you couldn't face her due to your nerves and that you didn't answer the phone to your friend that made me think it was something more to do with her causing you anxiety.

Sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick there.

No apology needed.
My anxiety was caused by my ex when she left, too much alcohol increases it the next day, I tend to only go out at night so I don't have much.
There are plenty of days where I don't answer the phone  to people because I can't face it, I usually ring back later saying it was on silent. I have sent the friend who rang me a text explaining why but told him I will tell him what I need to tell him when I can, I didn't mention my ex.
The friend who told me about her that I was supposed to text today is one of a few numbers that have got mixed up or vanished from my contact list in my phone when I transferred to a new phone, so now I have to get her number.
Yes hearing about my ex has not helped one little bit, it's made me feel worse.

The crazy thing is she left me in a bad state, a total mess and she knew and didn't care one bit, as I said never heard again, so in theory I shouldn't care about what state she is in and I know my friend will tell me that, but I have compassion.
If she had gone and got herself in the **** with a new bloke or something I would probably laugh, but this is different, she is wasting away.

[enlighten me]

Hi in a bad way

I can totally relate. You cared about her and those feelings were real. You have compassion which isn't a bad thing. We want them to hurt but when they do we realise that we didn't really want that. What we really wanted was for them to acknowledge how they treated us.

[JNChell]

Hi again, in a bad way. Thank you for continuing to communicate with us. It is recognized and well understood what you’re going through right now. I would like to note the fact that you’re demonstrating your compassion, and that you’re an upstanding individual through this. You’ve expressed the reasoning behind why you shouldn’t care, but your true self has trumped those thoughts and emotions. You care about her, and it’s refreshing to hear that from you. It takes a great deal of character to give our compassion and concern freely to those that have hurt us.

May I ask if there have been any new developments? Have you been able to speak to the people you’ve mentioned? And most importantly, how are you currently feeling? I’ve sensed your frustrations, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You have that right. This is your thread, and we just want to help. Bless you for not turning a blind eye to her. Just don’t forget to bless yourself first. Be kind to yourself and please keep us updated. Thanks for sticking with us.

[In a bad way]

Hi again, in a bad way. Thank you for continuing to communicate with us. It is recognized and well understood what you’re going through right now. I would like to note the fact that you’re demonstrating your compassion, and that you’re an upstanding individual through this. You’ve expressed the reasoning behind why you shouldn’t care, but your true self has trumped those thoughts and emotions. You care about her, and it’s refreshing to hear that from you. It takes a great deal of character to give our compassion and concern freely to those that have hurt us.

May I ask if there have been any new developments? Have you been able to speak to the people you’ve mentioned? And most importantly, how are you currently feeling? I’ve sensed your frustrations, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You have that right. This is your thread, and we just want to help. Bless you for not turning a blind eye to her. Just don’t forget to bless yourself first. Be kind to yourself and please keep us updated. Thanks for sticking with us.

I haven't spoken to the two people that I should, my mind is in turmoil and I will try tomorrow. I went to the pub tonight to try and get away from it all and was speaking to another friend. I ended up apologising to him for talking in riddles, there were too many prying ears.
I cannot get over the fact that after everything she did and her discarding me that I should not care about what state she is in, but I do.
I can't speak to her family because they all hate me, they blame me for everything, but surely now they must know what she is like?
I loved her, I sacrificed so much for her only to be treated like I never existed, it breaks my heart all over again to know how she is.
I have to contact her but will she reply or throw it in my face?
I tried to help her when we were together, from what I was told it's her oldest daughter who is as evil as they come and her kids dad that have sent her this way, maybe she has realised her mistakes with me?
I would be better off being cold and heartless.
My brain is mashed, I should have communicated with my friends today but I couldn't.
I could write her a letter but I won't know if she got it just like the last one I sent her 14 months ago because her mail gets intercepted by those two. She is downtrodden and controlled.
Until I heard that news I had decided to hate her for what she did, but she is a mess.
I see her mum every few weeks but we don't speak, but the last 3 times I have seen her I got the impression she wanted to say something (I mentioned that a couple of months ago in another post)
Maybe I have just sensed something?
I am thinking if I find away to get a message to her what is the worst that can happen?
At least I tried.
I am not looking for a recycle, I am not saying this out of co-dependency I am just worried.
I think there is too much talk about what I have just mentioned and too much talk about this is all caused by my childhood.

[JNChell]

Man, it’s good to get this reply from you. Before I move forward with my post, you’ve been at the Pub. Yes? I’m not judging. I’ve been known to be a power drinker. To my own detriment, of course.  . I get the speaking in riddles. Hints, metaphors. Yes? No? T   I recall that you tried to contact her the other night after having some drinks. Have you done the same tonight?

Maybe it’s time to indulge in tea and water, and engage her mum. If that isn’t an option, what would you suggest?

[DaddyBear77]

Hi In a bad way,

First I'll admit, I needed to understand what 5 stone was, and for those reading outside the UK, it's about 70 lbs or 32 kilograms. A serious situation, indeed. I am so sorry. This really puts things in perspective and I understand why you're concerned.

Ok, first of all, please consider that you were engaged to this person that you called your soulmate, you have loved her so much, and these feelings can take many many years to fade. I met someone I loved and cared about very much 25 years ago, and to this day I still think about her and hope she's doing well. If I found out she was killing and starving herself, I'd react in much the same way you did.

I think we can all agree and understand that you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. You get that, right? If you can start from a baseline of those three things, you can start to ground yourself and figure out what to do next.

So, what next? I'd suggest that the best thing to do when your nerves are so shot, and you're finding yourself in such turmoil, is to take things one step at a time. Ask yourself, What is the very next step you can take here? Is it calling her mother? Is it making a commitment to calling back your friend? I forget, have you been able to see a therapist at all through this process? Is there someone else you can reach out to in order to get perspective?

Find a next step. Take that next step. Process the information or the experience you have. Move on to the next step.

Before any of this, though, get a good night's sleep and look at this fresh in the morning.

We'll be here. You'll get through this.

~DB

[In a bad way]

Thanks once again for the replies.
No I didn't try to ring her again, I don't know if it's an old number or if I am blocked.
In one of my posts I said I haven't rang that number since mid 2015 it should have said 2016.
I can't ring her mum or her siblings they all hate me, I tried to get their help and it was promised but didn't happen, I in the end got blamed for everything.
I've stated I see her mother sometimes in a club I go to but we ignore each other, I can't speak to her, she is volatile and I don't want a big row in front of people who will then no doubt blame me.
The old way of posting a letter leaves too much doubt of whether she received it or not.
There really isn't anything I can do.
I keep telling myself that if the roles where reversed she wouldn't care, as I said she has never once asked me how I am even though she knew she left me in a mess.
Still it's hard and I'm not that way inclined to think oh well she made her bed and I tried to help her with her kids but got nowhere.
I'll write a bit more later.

[spero]

Hey there In A Bad Way,

I cannot get over the fact that after everything she did and her discarding me that I should not care about what state she is in, but I do.
I can't speak to her family because they all hate me, they blame me for everything, but surely now they must know what she is like?
I loved her, I sacrificed so much for her only to be treated like I never existed, it breaks my heart all over again to know how she is.

IABW, i just want to affirm that as long as you have a beating heart, you're gonna care about people you love. That is what human compassion is about, i don't see it as a flaw or a weakness in anyway. I am sorry that you are blamed for whatever the reason is, this must feel very unfair, unwarranted, unjustified, and to have your intentions totally misunderstood.

IABW, i'm pretty much in the same phase of discard right now, and i want to let you know you're not alone. IABW, you may not feel like you exist to your ex-partner, the fact that you're typing here on this BB is proof enough that you're existence is valued, but still it is heartbreaking to not be acknowledged by your loved ones, that sense of isolation and loneliness can be very suffocating for some. My heart goes out to you.

I have to contact her but will she reply or throw it in my face? I tried to help her when we were together, from what I was told it's her oldest daughter who is as evil as they come and her kids dad that have sent her this way, maybe she has realised her mistakes with me?

I tried to help my uBPDexGF too, it isn't going to help until they've reached that point of desperation, which can sometimes be a step before death. Perhaps you hope that she would get better and she'd see the light. I believe its a hope that many on this BB can relate too, but sometimes its just... it isn't time yet, and perhaps it isn't our role to play, but i know we wish'd they just get out of that terrible situation of theirs.

I would be better off being cold and heartless.

You know... there is a quote by the author who wrote Narnia... “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” - C.S Lewis

I hope you don't reach there, i know if i've reached that place. I'd lost my humanity and my ability to feel.

Until I heard that news I had decided to hate her for what she did, but she is a mess.

Hate, has more corrupting power that erodes our own being more than it does for others. Anger and Hate are strong emotions which can propel us to move forward. Its okay to be there, just... .don't be there too long. Hate will not heal you... as much as it can be a temporary catalyst.

I am thinking if I find away to get a message to her what is the worst that can happen?
At least I tried.

I know you tried, so IABW don't be too hard on yourself. There are so many things in this world that are just beyond our control. I know you've tried your best and its okay to not fight anymore. You don't have to keep fighting. Rest your heart and mind, weary sojourner. I'm not being cruel or heartless, but i'd echo what DaddyBear77 has mentioned on earlier, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, neither can you control it. And from that point of compassion, don't burden yourself with a load that isn't really yours to shoulder.

I am not looking for a recycle, I am not saying this out of co-dependency I am just worried.
I think there is too much talk about what I have just mentioned and too much talk about this is all caused by my childhood.

We all do think and worry for them time to time. About your childhood, have you explored the option of talking to a T about it? if you suspect that you have family of origin issues, it may well be worth a shot in your recovery process toward a more healthy and whole person.

Take good care,
Spero.

[In a bad way]

   Quote
I am not looking for a recycle, I am not saying this out of co-dependency I am just worried.
I think there is too much talk about what I have just mentioned and too much talk about this is all caused by my childhood.

We all do think and worry for them time to time. About your childhood, have you explored the option of talking to a T about it? if you suspect that you have family of origin issues, it may well be worth a shot in your recovery process toward a more healthy and whole person.         

Sorry what I meant by that was that my being worried and concerned for her has nothing to to with my childhood, there was nothing wrong with my childhood.
I started a post a while ago where I was saying that falling in love with a BPD has got nothing to do with childhood, but I won't get into that now.

Spero I agree with everything you say as I do with most people who have replied to me, and I thank you all.

[Harley Quinn]

IABW, that news must be terribly hard for you to have heard.  I feel for you.  If you were able to contact her, have you thought past that point?  What would you want to say and what would you plan to do next?  I'm interested to know where you would see the contact leading.

Love and light x

[In a bad way]

IABW, that news must be terribly hard for you to have heard.  I feel for you.  If you were able to contact her, have you thought past that point?  What would you want to say and what would you plan to do next?  I'm interested to know where you would see the contact leading.

Love and light x

It would be pointless, she wouldn't listen when we were together and she wiped me out of existence nearly two years ago. At this moment I will not be contacting her or any of her family they are hostile. There is nothing I can do, apart from wait and see if I get any updates from my friend that actually saw her dad and it was him that told her.
The only thing I could do is to just send a general letter saying hello long time no see and all that, but that to would be pointless even if she did answer, she would never admit to having any problems before except for the odd moment but then the next day deny it all like a lot of people on here will know how that goes.
The problem is that in all this time I ruminate most waking hours but only about the abuse she gave me not the good times, now I have this extra battle going on in my head, but I am still glad I was told. It's upsetting.

[enlighten me]

Hi in a bad way

A lot of us ruminate about the abuse and why we put up with it. It didn't start that way though did it. I was hooked by how wonderful she was so when the bad behaviour started I put it down to stress from her kids or ex husband or a multitude of other excuses. In the end I clung onto the slightest sign of niceness from her. A small compliment or a thank you in the hope that things would improve. The early stages got me addicted in an actual chemical way. I was hooked on the happy hormones my ex stimulated in me. I believe I stayed longer and put up with more than I should have just to get another hit. Theres a good post about this addiction on this site and also an article on how the love sick brain resembles that of someone coming off of cocaine.

[In a bad way]

Hi in a bad way

A lot of us ruminate about the abuse and why we put up with it. It didn't start that way though did it. I was hooked by how wonderful she was so when the bad behaviour started I put it down to stress from her kids or ex husband or a multitude of other excuses. In the end I clung onto the slightest sign of niceness from her. A small compliment or a thank you in the hope that things would improve. The early stages got me addicted in an actual chemical way. I was hooked on the happy hormones my ex stimulated in me. I believe I stayed longer and put up with more than I should have just to get another hit. Theres a good post about this addiction on this site and also an article on how the love sick brain resembles that of someone coming off of cocaine.

That's the thing I ruminate constantly about the abuse and crazy things she did, I hardly ever think about the good times, I put it all down to the stress from her kids who she had no control over and her p***k of an ex husband who was jealous of me and did some crazy stuff of his own to cause problems. My ex would see the light for an hour or so and make suggestions on how to deal with it all, great plans of she was going to do this and that and I used to think at last she has seen sense. But either later that night or in the morning she had changed her mind and couldn't follow it through and we were back to square one, then of course she took her frustration of not being able to do it out on me. Well it looks like they have really managed to drag her down now, I wonder if the other members of her family that I asked for help still blame me or can they now see I was correct.

[In a bad way]

Should I write her a letter?
Obviously I won't say I have heard she is in a mess, just a quick hello hope you are OK and stuff.
I feel for her, I know I shouldn't I should be thinking serves her right she ruined me.
So many mixed up thoughts here.
After all I don't exist to her.
Will it help me knowing I tried? What's the worse that can happen, she sends the cops, hardly crime of the century. She sends some of her nutty think they are hard cousins round, I can deal with them.
My anxiety just through thinking is gone up.

[DaddyBear77]

Here’s a suggestion - it worked well for me... .

You’re someone who cares a lot about people, I can tell. It seems you care so much you can almost put yourself in their shoes and personally feel the pain they must be going through. Am I right?

How about channeling some of this energy into the boards here. Take a look at some of the other stories on this Detaching board, put yourself in the shoes of the original poster, and bang out a few replies? People here need help, and they’re asking for it. You can get a lot of satisfaction I think from sharing with other people here.

How ‘bout it?

[Notgoneyet]

 In a bad way,
  I can image your pain. You sound like a very compassionate person and to still have feelings for her & to be blocked out of her life like that must be terrible thing to deal with. I get a bit depressed just by the silent treatment when my BPw of 35yrs cycles down to one of the bad moods like she is current in.  So I guess I'm jut saying I completely get where you are coming from and want you to know you aren't alone .
   Loving a person that can't or won't take the help they need to get better is painful ! Talking/writing/reading about it has helped me personally 
  Notgoneyet 

[Harley Quinn]

Will it help me knowing I tried?

I'm glad you asked this, as it brings me onto my next question, which is what do you think you can do for YOU now?  We talk a lot here about turning the attention onto ourselves.  She is living her own life and making her own choices.  She has the capacity to know right from wrong and is deciding for herself how she lives.  What will help you right now?  Only you know the answer to this.  We can give suggestions, and I second what DaddyBear77 has put forward as an idea.  Perhaps finding ways indirectly related to her that you can have a positive effect on others is a way that you can use your empathy for good and to help you to feel that you're making a difference?

I was listed as my ex partner's carer with the mental health services he used, and have done some work with the services on improving the ways they interact with carers and service users.  My feedback has gone into shaping future training of staff.  I'm working on going on to teach mindfulness within the mental health arena and with school children in order to have an effect on future generations.  On Friday I will be volunteering in support of a local charity that is working towards reducing suicide.  When I let go, I did so knowing there was a chance that one of his attempts to take his life some day could be successful.  I carry that with me and I understand how much it hurts to be aware of a loved one's self destructive ways without being able to affect that.

Maybe you can't save her, but you can save yourself - and perhaps countless others if you should decide on that path.

Do you feel that sending the letter cannot cause you any further emotional pain, and are you confident that you're able to cope with whatever the outcome may be?  What if she were to invite you back into her life?  Right now, whatever she is going through, she is not reaching out to you.  Think long and hard about re engaging her to reduce the emotions you're coping with.  It might be safer for you all round to sit with these and allow them to pass of their own accord.  Sometimes when we act to directly stop the pain, it only further increases the pain long term.

Love and light x 

[In a bad way]

Her kids and ex caused her stress and still are, my help wasn't enough because she didn't have the courage to go through with the things she said she would do. Those things were the solution without any doubt in my mind, but she is in fear of them, she had no need to be when she was with me, her sister told her that.
She is weak minded when it comes to those things but was very strong when she took her frustrations out on me, I used to tell her if she could be as strong with them and as nasty to them (they are the ones who deserved it not me ) then they would back off.
I used to think and still do that she knew no better after 20 years of her ex controlling her every move and it became the norm to her.
I would love five minutes with that man.

As to what a few of you have said, my contribution to this board is limited, I respond to people who have given examples of their ex's behaviour with similar examples of my own so they know it wasn't just their ex who did those things.
However as much as I would like to I am in no position to give advice on how to heal when I can't heal myself after all this time. I don't even get dressed some days, my nerves stop me from even going to the shop most days. I have managed now to put on a front when I go to the pub a couple of times a week and even enjoy myself in there now and then.
Gathering the courage to go though is hard but once there it's OK because I know so many people in there.

The only advice I can give people is do not drink at home on your own, I have not had a drink at home for 14 months, it took me 7 months to get off it, I was on it morning noon and night because I was getting withdrawals when I stopped and anyone who has suffered that knows how bad it is.
I can drink beer in the pub and I am fine.