Fiance might be pregnant and is off meds

[fhqwghads]

I'm in a long distance relationship with a BPD sufferer, came back from visiting her recently and we've learned she may be pregnant. While it's not confirmed yet, she's taking precautions for the potential child's health eg. stopped drinking/smoking and she's also stopped her meds completely, with withdrawal symptoms showing too. Right now she's calling off our engagement as I didn't say I recognised she was mad due to withdrawal, or know all the effects. I want to help her, but it sounds like everything I do just makes her angrier and more determined to call things off. I need help, I love her more than anything and yet there seems to be nothing I can do as I didn't let her know I recognised the cause

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi fhqwghads,

This sounds really tough! Have you had a chance yet to read any of the lessons on the site? Perhaps validating can help a bit. It's just a way of responding to your partner's feelings, although their wording of things isn't always so... .easy, let's say.

Do you have a support system around you at all? How do you feel about the pregnancy?

Anyone else have experience with pregnancies and navigating this time with a partner that they can share?

warmly, pearl.

[Mutt]

Hi fhqwghads,

I want to help her, but it sounds like everything I do just makes her angrier and more determined to call things off. I need help, I love her more than anything and yet there seems to be nothing I can do as I didn't let her know I recognised the cause

Sometimes trying to fix things makes things worse and the best thing to do is listen. Judge no by her reaction with an unwanted pregnancy she’s probably really worried, anxious and angry. It’s not confirmed though if I would make a suggestion to her - ask her if she can make an appointment to see a doctor and get a home pregnancy kit in the meantime. I like what pearlsw said about validation just observe and validate her feelings she’s probably a nervous wreck at the moment.

There’s also you that’s in this we can’t forget that I’d like to echo pearlsw how do you feel about the possible pregnancy?

[pearlsw]

Hey, Now that I'm back I'm gonna share some links on validation. Sorry, sometimes I only have a few minutes to be here!

Here you can learn about how to validate and avoid being invalidating.

And there is also this workshop on validation.

Let us know what you think!

~pearl.

[fhqwghads]

Thanks for the info about validation guys, the closest support I have is my cousin's partner, as my cousin suffers from BPD too, so he's been a huge help with things, but I can't burden him all the time. As for the pregnancy, if she is, it wasn;t planned, but I'd be so happy to have a child with her. The distance is a major problem though, I live in the UK and she's in Australia, been together for a year and a half so far, but 2 weeks together have made that distance seem even greater.

[pearlsw]

Thanks for the info about validation guys, the closest support I have is my cousin's partner, as my cousin suffers from BPD too, so he's been a huge help with things, but I can't burden him all the time. As for the pregnancy, if she is, it wasn;t planned, but I'd be so happy to have a child with her. The distance is a major problem though, I live in the UK and she's in Australia, been together for a year and a half so far, but 2 weeks together have made that distance seem even greater.

Hi fhqwghads,

That is quite the distance! Oh my! Is there any talk of being in the same place together?

warmly, pearl.

[fhqwghads]

yes, we've been looking at work visas and marriage partner visas between us, the 2 weeks we were actually together went so smoothly, any arguments starting were so much easier to diffuse

[pearlsw]

yes, we've been looking at work visas and marriage partner visas between us, the 2 weeks we were actually together went so smoothly, any arguments starting were so much easier to diffuse

Not to be too nosy, but because I am in an international relationship... .have you thought carefully about what country would be best for you? Where you would be most protected should things not work out in the long run?

~pearl.