New here: I feel isolated for sure and in my city--no support groups.

[Parents! Get help here!]

 I am of mother of a 41 yr old daughter with borderline personality disorder. She has broken relationships between me and my sister, brother and a niece.  She creates chaos in her own life on a daily basis. She has not empathy , no sympathy, no insight. To the outside world she is a successful businesswoman, but to her immediate family she is emotionally abusive. I live in an alternate universe from other parents--sometimes walking on eggshells with my daughter, sometimes estranged, sometimes used when she needs me, but never really respected, or loved. I am in a state of constant exhaustion--anxious if she is speaking to me, and heartbroken when she isn't. I fear for my grandchildren--but have little to no input in their lives--and she uses them--when she is angry, she won't let me see them--sometimes for months and sometimes for years. I feel like most of the joy in my life is gone. I regret having children. I am so sad and I feel very alone. I have read the books, I have a psychologist and two best friends that are very supportive, but they can only stand to hear about the problems for so long. I try not to talk about  my daughter unless there is something I just can't hold in. I used to be  very social, but honestly, I would rather stay home now than hear how  other daughters are loving and caring to their moms, and I don't have that. This illness will not go away. I realize that she is very unhappy herself and she can't help her lack of insight, etc. I thought over time, with education that I would be able to live with this, but I really have to say that I am in pain almost every single day.  How do others cope?

[djm]

 I am of mother of a 41 yr old daughter with borderline personality disorder. She has broken relationships between me and my sister, brother and a niece.  She creates chaos in her own life on a daily basis. She has not empathy , no sympathy, no insight. To the outside world she is a successful businesswoman, but to her immediate family she is emotionally abusive. I live in an alternate universe from other parents--sometimes walking on eggshells with my daughter, sometimes estranged, sometimes used when she needs me, but never really respected, or loved. I am in a state of constant exhaustion--anxious if she is speaking to me, and heartbroken when she isn't. I fear for my grandchildren--but have little to no input in their lives--and she uses them--when she is angry, she won't let me see them--sometimes for months and sometimes for years. I feel like most of the joy in my life is gone. I regret having children. I am so sad and I feel very alone. I have read the books, I have a psychologist and two best friends that are very supportive, but they can only stand to hear about the problems for so long. I try not to talk about  my daughter unless there is something I just can't hold in. I used to be  very social, but honestly, I would rather stay home now than hear how  other daughters are loving and caring to their moms, and I don't have that. This illness will not go away. I realize that she is very unhappy herself and she can't help her lack of insight, etc. I thought over time, with education that I would be able to live with this, but I really have to say that I am in pain almost every single day.  How do others cope?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Djm and welcome back!  I see you reached out around the same I did a few years back... .both of us coming in under similar circumstances.  So much of what you write about your daughter, I could (have written) about mine. 

I think you might agree with me when I say the hardest, HARDEST part to handle is how those precious, innocent grandchildren can be used as pawns against us.  We were called upon to help raise our two as their mother went from one tumultuous relationship to another, had custody battles with one of the fathers.   Oh the stories the two us could tell, huh?

First of all, Djm, you bemoan the fact that there are no support groups you have been able to find in your city.   I did find a support group in our area but didn't last long with it.  As I sat in the circle, trying to be patient while I awaited MY turn to speak, I listened to others whose stories had no connection to mine.  Here there is no waiting... .and there is always someone to write back (like I am doing with you) to say, "YES!  I know your pain... .have been there (am there).  On top of that... .no time frames.  It is a 24/7 support group.  You feel like pouring out your heart at 2am... .no problem!

So, to your question... ."How do others cope?" 

Our daughter is 51 and our roller coaster ride with her started when she first ran away at age 12.  Our grandchildren are now 26/28.  Once again(!), we are in n/c.   This is certainly not what we envisioned for our twilight years... .not the kind of payback we hoped/thought we would get.  We have no other adult children to support us.

I have written in previous posts about the depths to which I have fallen... .and that, thankfully, I don't fall into to anymore.   There were times when I would wake in the middle of the night to cry.   There were times I even questionned continuing on, the heartbreak so overwhelming.

I want to be clear, Djm, none of my story is meant to over-shadow yours.  Your story is, indeed, a headshaker... .a sad one... .but certainly not unique.  So many here have read your posts and nodded their heads.

Coping means healing and healing takes work.  You are on that road ("I have read the books.  I have a psychologist... ."... .and good you are here!  Check out the "Tips-from-the-top" at the right  .   In reading the posts of some others, you will see how they have had success once they started using those techniques in dealing with their children.

For me, I FINALLY stopped swimming upstream (so to speak) gradually went with the flow.  (Another member here writes... ."Let go or be dragged."  It really was an "AHA" moment for me when I realized I had literally handed control of my happiness over to my daughter.  MY happiness!   I was the mother!  She was the child!  I grabbed back my role and started to look at her as my child.  I became empowered.

I so hope you stick with us Djm.  You, like me, have probably got more years behind you than you have ahead and those years should not be wasted.  Once you start making the changes that only you can make, your daughter will notice.  Whatever!  Those changes make for a better life for you.

From one Mom/Grandmother to another... .a ((HUG)
 
Huat   

[djm]

Dear Huat. Thank you so much for answering my note. I am not very computer savy, but accidentally found it.  I  thought I had run out of tears, but reading your message started the tears again. I thought I had toughened up, as I usually don't cry anymore.   You are right, I am starting to let go, but its so hard when my inner voice says that maybe I can help her.  I have stopped engaging in her rages and no longer try to reason with her. She ignored my birthday completely this year, and its OK. My desire to be with her is a dream, and I am remembering a time when she was not so abusive and a little more loving. In reality, I haven't seen that person for a long time. Some say that daughters are hardest on moms, and that is certainly the case with me.   She has finally shown her true self to her father. For years, he thought I was over sensitive, but she was very good at abusing when he wasn't around.  Now he also gets ignored, name called etc and finally agrees that her abuse real and harsh.  " let go or be dragged" is an aha moment for me --thankyou for that.  My happiness is not in her hands anymore.  I want to be empowered.  I will read the tips--thankyou for that.   luv d.

[KHC_33]

See my daughter hasn't gotten to that point yet. She's extremely sensitive and caring. There are various times where she's absolutely doesn't care. When she's cold or hot. She disassociates a lot, she is impulsive, she depends on me a lot for managing areas in her life.

Coping. Everyone has a different coping skill. Being a victim to BPD isn't easy. It's wounds are deep but you can heal. My mom still emotional blackmails me with guilt and poor me (narcissistic behaviors) but I have healed in areas where it does not bring me to my knees and swallow me whole. There was a time it did. I felt suffocated as a child.

Having a newly diagnosed daughter I have to detach lovingly and realize my pattern of dropping everything and racing to save the day is only enabling her to continue unhealthy BPD patterns. She has to manage on her own and support (that's appropriate).

Hang in there. Do not loose yourself. See that it is not personal. It's the illness and yes you need to understand some of it is BPD and some of it isn't. I have an amazing fiancé that has helped me to emotional regulate properly. I am able to communicate clearly. Focus on what's happening and not get caught up in the intense emotional drama.

I view myself as a person stepping outside of the storm and viewing things from the side lines. Objectively. Hard to do. Especially when you're hurting. It is important to keep calm and gain distance when you need it. It is okay. We are human. Hugs xo

[Huat]

Hello again, Djm.

I've been active on this website for a while now and I am still learning the ins/outs on how to navigate through it.  It is said that practice makes perfect... .so... .I'll keep practicing.

Glad to see that you keep coming back, Djm.  Participating on/in this forum is not as comforting for some as it is for others.  It certainly has been helpful for me.  As I have written before... .it literally saved my life.

I never want to imply that my pain is gone.  I, like you, am a Mom.  Our job is to love our children and we expect and so want/need that same kind of love in return.  When it doesn't happen, it can suck the air right out of us.

You write... ."... .I am starting to let go, but it is so hard when my inner voice says that maybe I can help her."

Then you write... ."I have stopped engaging in her rages and no longer try to reason with her."

Well, there you go... .you are not only helping yourself... .you ARE helping her.  Change has to happen someplace along the line and she certainly is not the one to instigate it because she is the one in control.   So, changing course has to start with you.  Instead of striving for "control"... .you work on getting "empowered."   

Have you ever seen the acronym  "J.A.D.E."... .meaning don't Justify-Argue-Defend-Explain when in a confrontation?  I think that is what you are putting into practice already.

Recently a well-known world figure used the words... ."when they go low, we go high."  That is exactly what it is we should be doing and, in doing so, we continue to teach... .by example.  We are Moms!

Wonderful post above from KHO_33... .another Mom who, rather than "suffering," is in the process of "healing" and sending along her support.

My (our!) daughter made a big deal of her father's birthday this year... .gushy, gushy card... .but there was complete silence when mine came along.   Yeah, of course it hurt but it was my choice as to how much I would let it hurt. I worked on reminding myself that I'm a big girl now, then went on to enjoy "my day."

Oh, Djm, such is our lot in life.  Oh well!  What doesn't destroy us makes us strong... .and wiser... .right?  Hope you keep posting, healing and supporting.

Huat    ; )

[Only Human]

Hello djm 

I'm short on time at the moment but wanted to welcome you (back!) and chime in as a mother and grandmother who can relate to your circumstances in many ways. Like Huat, I attended one support group in person and never went back. So many people there, other side of town, never got to my turn. BPD Family is just what I need. Not just support but learning and a place to vent.

Take good care of yourself, you are worthy.

~ OH

[KHC_33]

"J.A.D.E."... .meaning don't Justify-Argue-Defend-Explain when in a confrontation?

Wow! Where did you learn this? How do we practice it with conjunction to dealing with BPD persons?

[Ricandmax]

Djm
My daughter is 45 and your post could have been written by me.  She also uses her children as pawns and like you when we are speaking I’m also walking on eggshells as you don’t know what will set her off, yet without her I feel incomplete.  She called recently and started off nicely but when I brought up thanksgiving she started again saying I was never a mother and am not now.  My therapist told me when she starts being disrespectful to tell her I will not talk to her until she can treat me with the respect I deserve as her mother.  I did that the other day and I think she was in shock. She called me right back and started to berate me again and I hung up again.  I don’t know if I made the situation worse but at least for a day I had a little respect for myself.  Today is a bad day, miss her like crazy.  Like you Huat I thought my twilight years would be happy, peaceful and spent with family.  Sadly that is not the case.   Fortunately I do have son and other grandchildren but I want my family whole again. This latest episode was over money.   It seems when my daughters life is-spiraling out of control she blames me.  I still walk up in middle of the night crying  and have this awful nonstop sick feeling in my stomach.   

[Huat]

Responding to KHC_33's question above... .

This website has recently changed.  We used to be able to refer others to the information on the right but there isn't anything at the right anymore.

So... .here is a website you can copy/paste or click on to get information of J.A.D.E.  Of course, all situations are different... .and keeping one's cool when being bombarded by our "difficult others" is certainly not easy. 

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2018/03/dealing-with-difficult-family-members-dont-justify-argue-defend-or-explain/

Huat

[Ricandmax]

Thank you Huat.   That was very enlightening.   I think I’m guilty of them all

[wendydarling]

"J.A.D.E."... .meaning don't Justify-Argue-Defend-Explain when in a confrontation?

Wow! Where did you learn this? How do we practice it with conjunction to dealing with BPD persons?

Yes, there are changes in progress Huat 
We have all the tools and lessons in our Community Building Knowledge Base .

Do you think this will help you?
2.02 | Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders