I hate myself for missing her

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So the bottom truth is ... .the person I hate is myself.  I hate myself for missing her, for thinking of her, for allowing myself to ever believe she loved me, and for how much and how far I've fallen as a result.

She didn't have a "gun" to my head - I chose this and I guess I still do.

I've been in therapy and a support group for well over a year.  I've tried anti depressants with no luck.  I've been on these boards, I've done NC and here I am - nowhere.  Worse than when she first discarded me actually.

I've lost the few friends I had locally and I continue to isolate and my anxiety increases.

By the end of the day I am so exhausted from getting through I come home - cry, sometimes throw up and take to my bed.

and yet I still miss and long for her and I hate every part of me for feeling that way.

I don't think I'll ever get through this and I wonder why I have been cursed and why I stay if all there is is this misery.

Negative post all - so I'm sorry but its just how I've been feeling and I have no energy to keep up any pretences anymore

[salvage]

So the bottom truth is ... .the person I hate is myself.  I hate myself for missing her, for thinking of her, for allowing myself to ever believe she loved me, and for how much and how far I've fallen as a result.

She didn't have a "gun" to my head - I chose this and I guess I still do.

I've been in therapy and a support group for well over a year.  I've tried anti depressants with no luck.  I've been on these boards, I've done NC and here I am - nowhere.  Worse than when she first discarded me actually.

I've lost the few friends I had locally and I continue to isolate and my anxiety increases.

By the end of the day I am so exhausted from getting through I come home - cry, sometimes throw up and take to my bed.

and yet I still miss and long for her and I hate every part of me for feeling that way.

I don't think I'll ever get through this and I wonder why I have been cursed and why I stay if all there is is this misery.

Negative post all - so I'm sorry but its just how I've been feeling and I have no energy to keep up any pretences anymore

[tiki]

I relate to some thing you’ve said. I’ve thrown up over this too and still often feel nauseous. I feel like that says a lot.

[spero]

Hi there Salvage,

I'm really sorry for how you are feeling right now. First off, i'm going to say that you don't have to be sorry about expressing how you feel. Feelings are very powerful indicators which help us navigate through our own individual recovery processes.

So the bottom truth is ... .the person I hate is myself.  I hate myself for missing her, for thinking of her, for allowing myself to ever believe she loved me, and for how much and how far I've fallen as a result.

Salvage... .wow, i can sense your frustration, your disappointment with yourself and how you've seemingly allowed yourself to reach this place. Salvage, i don't think any of us start relationships wanting it to fail. We all had our hopes, aspirations and motivations for why we start a relationship. You simply didn't know better, as many of us in this BB would have only discovered what BPD and its symptoms after the relationship hit rock bottom.

Hating yourself, is a form of inward anger turned into toward ourselves, its sounds strange but we can channel our negativity and engage in self punishment. Salvage, how long have you been feeling this way about yourself? While the relationship has seen it's demise and i don't know the context, it seems like you're trying to shift the blame entirely or bear majority of why the relationship has failed. Salvage, i'll say this with much kindness, don't beat yourself up, don't put yourself down. You have more value than that, unfortunately, sometimes we may not know our own value and worth. I just want to tell you that you're valued and you're unique.

I've been in therapy and a support group for well over a year.  I've tried anti depressants with no luck.  I've been on these boards, I've done NC and here I am - nowhere.  Worse than when she first discarded me actually.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel that you're worse off than when you first began therapy. it must be frustrating to be unable to get well, even though you are trying to fix yourself. Again, have more self-compassion. It's okay. Sometimes we want recovery, but we're not yet ready to take the leap, and if we do take the leap, we miss the jump and don't make it across the cliff. As frustrating as it may be, hold fast to hope and be courageous, i hope it will pass for you eventually.

I've lost the few friends I had locally and I continue to isolate and my anxiety increases.

By the end of the day I am so exhausted from getting through I come home - cry, sometimes throw up and take to my bed.

I would say, isolation isn't helpful, but sometimes when we're in the dumps, we don't have capacity to reach out, would you have some close friends whom you can trust who'd join you in the pit while you're there? I am particularly concerned about your anxiety spectrum, as isolation may potentially lead toward a downward spiral of rumination and depression... .

You are mentally exhausted and your body is experiencing psychosomatic symptoms perhaps relating to your anxiety... .Sounds like to me that you're really really "empty" when you posted this. Have you been eating well lately Salvage? I do hope that you're not neglecting your physical health at this point in time.

and yet I still miss and long for her and I hate every part of me for feeling that way.

Again, its okay to miss her Salvage, i miss my uBPDexGF, i still do, but i think more importantly, its what you do with those feelings, rather than suppress or try to deny how you feel, its okay... it really is to feel the way you do. But, don't have to hate yourself. This is where i suppose talking with your T would help. Have you ever raised the issue that you don't feel good about yourself and sometimes even hate yourself as you've mentioned in this post?

I don't think I'll ever get through this and I wonder why I have been cursed and why I stay if all there is is this misery.

Salvage, as long as you have a beating heart in you, you'll pull through... i'm not being delusional or unrealistic, i truly believe that whlie it may take alot of time and help... .i have good reason to believe you'll move beyond this. I don't think you're cursed, it's just who you are and your make up, some circumstances may have shaped you to be what you are now, but they don't define your future. I know everything seems dark and looming now, and it seems hopeless... .This is indeed all you can see now... but Salvage, take heart. You're not alone, and you'll find many in this BB who can relate with you and would cheer you on...

I leave you with this interesting story... .and there are few version of this circulating online.

In a mother’s womb were two babies.  The first baby asked the other:  “Do you believe in life after delivery?”
The second baby replied, “Why, of course. There has to be something after delivery.  Maybe we are here to prepare ourselves for what we will be later.”
“Nonsense,” said the first. “There is no life after delivery.  What would that life be?”

“I don’t know, but there will be more light than here.  Maybe we will walk with our legs and eat from our mouths.”
The doubting baby laughed. “This is absurd!  Walking is impossible.  And eat with our mouths?  Ridiculous.  The umbilical cord supplies nutrition.  Life after delivery is to be excluded.  The umbilical cord is too short.”

The second baby held his ground. “I think there is something and maybe it’s different than it is here.”
The first baby replied, “No one has ever come back from there.  Delivery is the end of life, and in the after-delivery it is nothing but darkness and anxiety and it takes us nowhere.”

“Well, I don’t know,” said the twin, “but certainly we will see mother and she will take care of us.”
“Mother?” The first baby guffawed. “You believe in mother?  Where is she now?”

The second baby calmly and patiently tried to explain. “She is all around us.  It is in her that we live. Without her there would not be this world.”
“Ha. I don’t see her, so it’s only logical that she doesn’t exist.” 

To which the other replied, “Sometimes when you’re in silence you can hear her, you can perceive her.  I believe there is a reality after delivery and we are here to prepare ourselves for that reality when it comes….”

Here is the source which i've copied from https://thebacajourney.com/two-babies-talking-in-the-womb/

Sometimes the paradox new beginnings flow out of the death of the things of past, and that journey of a thousand miles... begins with a single step.

Spero.

[JNChell]

Bless you, salvage. I’m so sorry that you’re having these intense feelings. We miss them, don’t we? It’s perfectly okay to be feeling what you are. I know the feelings are intense and painful right now. I’m here to tell you that I’ve been there, and sometimes I still end up there. You’re at the right place and I commend you for having the courage to share your personal feelings here. I’m also here to let you know that it can, and will, get better. It’s sounds like you’re having some difficulty in detaching from your ex. Many of us are. If you’re comfortable sharing, have you given any thought as to what might be holding you back? You stated that you’re seeing a therapist. Do you feel like you’re getting the feedback and direction that can be helpful to your healing? It’s not uncommon to have to see a few different T’s before finding a good fit. Are you comfortable sharing what your support group is like? Try to be easy on yourself. I can relate to the isolation that you speak of. In my own personal experience, this is probably one of the more detrimental things that I did to myself. I’m here to let you know that I survived it, and that I pulled myself out of it. Try to be easy on yourself, salvage. We’re all here for you, and ready to listen.

[tiki]

I think also as humans it’s hard not to associate our worth with how we’ve been treated. Which for me I feel like I’m healthy enough to have not purposely entered into an abusive situation and yet here I am.

[Jeffree]

Salvage,

There's nobody to blame here, especially yourself.

Sometimes rough things just happen to nice people. You trusted someone and they let you down... .BIG TIME! That abandonment is triggering you immensely.

Like JNChell says, it does get better. You just have to hang in there, keep sharing your experience, we are here to help.

 
J

[salvage]

Thanks for your responses...

I've been with my T since about 3 weeks post discard about 14 months ago. 
She pretty much repeats the same things.

Exercise, do affirmations and breath work, need to learn to love myself.  She refers to the word sociopath for my ex and has repeated 1000's times that borderline is a potpourri of the cluster b personalities disorders and these "people' are a nightmare and you should "run for the hills".

My group is for people affected by adoption.  I myself was adopted at 3 months and just keep thinking the affect this relationship had on me is tied to that wound.

I've read about it,etc, but not finding much in healing it.

I also now tell myself, if you can be this affected by a relationship ending that you totally lose yourself and any motivations or sense of who you are then you are not someone who should ever be in a relationship.

I was in a good space prior to this ... .good circle of friends, feeling happy, doing well at work etc...   This felt like the frosting on the cake and I fell fast and deep. 

The "damage" done is that I do want to feel that again, but I won't trust it nor will I trust myself.  And anything less than what I did feel won't be enough.

Not enough seems to be my theme... I try to get better, exercise etc... but not enough...

Inside ... If I wasn't enough to be kept at birth... I'll never be enough

[Lucky Jim]

Hey salvage, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  How long has it been since you parted ways with your Ex?  If I may make a suggestion, it would be: Don't beat yourself up!  It's bad enough what you have been through; don't make it worse by blaming/hating yourself.  As Jeffree notes, bad things happen to good people.  It's OK; we're all human here.  I wonder if you think you could work on accepting yourself, just the way you are, without the need to change anything.  It sounds easy, I know, but is actually pretty hard to do in the aftermath of a BPD r/s.  Would you be willing to give that a try?

LuckyJim

[JNChell]

Salvage, I was adopted too. This is the first time I’ve shared it here, and I’ve had major issues with it that I’m currently working through.  You’re the first poster that I’ve seen here that is adopted as well.  Thank you for sharing that about yourself. It helped me share the same truth.

I think you’re showing wisdom and introspect with the statement you made about the affects of your relationship being tied to your adoption wound. Personally, I’m learning that you are spot on in your assumption. It’s been scientifically proven that these wounds of old can be exposed again in toxic situations. Sometimes years later. I know it feels really, really bad right now.

I’m going to be blunt, and violate the forum rules again. If your T has you in therapy for over a year, and you’re not feeling much better or figuring things out. That T isn’t for you. If this particular T is telling you that your ex is a sociopath (ASPD) without meeting and analyzing her? You’re seeing the wrong T. My $.02. Especially if she’s telling you to “run for the hills”.

salvage, many of us here have lost ourselves in these relationships. Thats why we’re here.

Man. That “kept at birth” part seems to be pretty deep. If you’re comfortable sharing, which one angers you more? Your ex, or being adopted?

[salvage]

JNchel, can't say anger is a much of what I am feeling (except the inward kind).

I don't have any connection to a feeling of being adopted - I've always known.  I met my bio mom about 15 years ago - I didn't care much for her.

I do think having been adopted though has made me always strive to be good enough, to do the right things, be kind, empathetic cuz I woudn't want anyone to feel the way I do, self conscious... .

Not sure I would know how I would be if I hadn't been... it would be nice to know though... .

Thoughts come such as broken at birth...
My adoptive family is great - and I adore them.  The fact that I am so messed up also makes me feel bad about myself - like I have been given so much I should be better and I'm ungrateful to just keep lamenting over someone who could care less about me...

But my mind plays this over and over... .
Does she think about me
Did I ever matter to her
Will I hear from her again
Why did she leave me
Was i nothing to her

I know it all intellectually... .but the above tape is on an endless loop... and I wait every day for the past 14 months since it ended in Oct 2016 (5 month relationship) to hear from her...

So only thing I can guess is this has to do with being let go at birth...

There's a good book called Adoption Healing... .A path to recovery... by Joe soll.

I found it good for the validation and it spoke words that I knew but hadn't said aloud... .I didn't find much in the how to heal part though... .

[JNChell]

But my mind plays this over and over... .
Does she think about me
Did I ever matter to her
Will I hear from her again
Why did she leave me
Was i nothing to her

Exactly. The same questions. It’s hard to dispute, isn’t it?

[enlighten me]

Hi salvage

One thing that helped me is the realisation that the good and bad sides of my exgf where both part of her and not two individuals.

This may sound obvious but in the beginning a lot of us see them as two distinct individuals. We want the good one back and fail to realise that the bad one is part of the package.

We also need to accept that we cant cure them. Only they can help themselves and that's if they want to. It takes years of hard work for them to improve and the person at the end of treatment may not even be someone you recognize as they wants and needs may have completely changed from the person you knew.

Take each day as it comes. Try to distract yourself. Get a hobby or do a course. Try to focus more on their bad side rather than their good as this is a reality check to break the fantasy. Over time you will think about them less and less until one day you wont even think about them and when you realise this it will shock you.

[Skip]

Yes, I've been seeing a therapist since about 2 weeks after the relationship ended.  Also tried over 4 anti depressants.  Unfortunately things are actually worsening as time moves by...

I met with a new therapist last week that specializes in adult adoptees and plan on going to my first adoptee support group this weekend. 

In order to continue with the new therapist I have to stop seeing my existing one.  Not sure if that is or isn't the right decision for me... .

You asked why I had to leave my current therapist to work with another?  Its something my current T told me (although she didn't do this smoothly and it was a very rough session).

I met with the 2nd one and I do like her but I've been working with my current T for over a year so its hard to let go and feel like I'm starting over.

I've discussed with some close friends who have know me for decades and they do think I should make the switch... that my current T doesn't seem to be helping me and they too thought she handled in informing me I'd need to stop with her if I started with someone else badly...

I'm still considering... .Its amazing and so sad that I don't trust my self or my head anymore... .Makes decisions like this so hard...

It sounds like this 5 month LDR was both a Godsend and a personal hell and that the roller coaster ride has kicked open some long standing wounds... .and clearly some depression. 

I really encourage you to talk through your story here. Many if us have lived what you have been through. It's really helpful to do a postmortem - get things in perspective.

As for the therapist dilemma, what are your feelings about it now? What happened with respect to this ultimatum - what was said?

[salvage]

I'm still indecisive on whether to switch Therapists.  All my self doubt makes me wonder if I am "running" from my current therapist because she has at least been with me for over a year or if it is really a decision I should make.

Then there is the head going... ."well if you sought help and this is what the universe gave you and it was wrong for you, then there is no help so you should just give up... ."

The newer T runs the monthly support group (just as a facilitator) so I'm also not sure if I would feel comfortable attending and seeing her privately.

wondering if there are T's who specialize in people who have had encounters with BPD people... ? 
What have any of you found that works when looking for a T?