Open Relationship - Advice

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

I have been posting here for support for almost a month now. My exBPDbf wants to have an open relationship. We have a LDR rn. I am not sure if this is what he needs physically, or if he is just looking for someone else emotionally as well annd once he finds it, he will discard me like nothing. I am so confused about his actions, I need help to start moving on. What do you guys think about O/R does it work? especially with BPD people? I don't want to prolong this pain anymore so i need to make a decision soon. Thanks for all your help

[xyz-Girl]

Hello,

I have been posting here for support for almost a month now. My exBPDbf wants to have an open relationship. We have a LDR rn. I am not sure if this is what he needs physically, or if he is just looking for someone else emotionally as well annd once he finds it, he will discard me like nothing. I am so confused about his actions, I need help to start moving on. What do you guys think about O/R does it work? especially with BPD people? I don't want to prolong this pain anymore so i need to make a decision soon. Thanks for all your help

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DaddyBear77]

Hi xyz-girl, great question.

Your question about open relationships is a tough one to answer, but many people ask it on the boards. My personal take is that having a "successful" open relationship is very difficult and takes two people who can communicate extremely well. I don't think I've ever seen a case where someone on these boards has been successful with an open relationship when the usual BPD traits are in play.

Rather than add too much more, I will refer you also to this really excellent thread from a couple of years ago. Several of our senior members were involved in that thread and offer some really good perspectives.

I am curious to hear what others have to say on this topic as well.

P.S. Thanks for being a member and posting for the past month - I'm really glad you're here, and I appreciate the support you offered to other members as well. It's really great that we can be here for each other and provide a community. Thank you again.

[waverider]

Can you cope with getting caught up in a triangle of need?

pwBPD favour those who are meeting their perceived need of the moment. To that end it becomes a competition, one person will always be thought of as better than the other, and that will change moment to moment. Confusing everyone involved as to exactly where they stand, as there will be little consistency or "ground rules".

It often becomes a tool for pwBPD to avoid facing responsibilities as they always have someone else to sell their victim story to, and everyone gets a different story

[xyz-Girl]

Rather than add too much more, I will refer you also to this really excellent thread from a couple of years ago. Several of our senior members were involved in that thread and offer some really good perspectives.

I am curious to hear what others have to say on this topic as well.

P.S. Thanks for being a member and posting for the past month - I'm really glad you're here, and I appreciate the support you offered to other members as well. It's really great that we can be here for each other and provide a community. Thank you again.

DaddyBear,

Thank you for the link, it was a lot of help. In my case, I was not the one that wanted the open relationship. I guess, I still have a lot of fears and need to talk to him about how committed he is with our relationship. As of now, we are allowed to date and have sex with other, we still talk like we were together, but i have noticed that sometimes he gets distant and that hurts me. I had two dates this weekend, we are supposed to be open about it but i am truly scared about what he would do, in other words, i am scared he will give up on us and i don't want to lose him. However, i am not thinking about not dating or being sexually exclusive anymore, and this is what he wanted right? How should I mention my dates and other encounters to him? I sometimes feel i shouldn't EVER tell him about my dates and sexual encounter so he wouldnt feel more insecure. Any advice on this?

He has being open about his. He told me about a date he had and a sexual encounter. He said he wants to be honest, that is why i kinda  feel bad about not telling him. I also don't feel in a position to just have one night stands. I am a sensual and want that in my sexual encounters as well, I think i am convince that i want him for the long term but because of the LDR i want to have someone around me as well, not only for sex but to share some time with too.

[xyz-Girl]

Can you cope with getting caught up in a triangle of need?

pwBPD favour those who are meeting their perceived need of the moment. To that end it becomes a competition, one person will always be thought of as better than the other, and that will change moment to moment. Confusing everyone involved as to exactly where they stand, as there will be little consistency or "ground rules".

It often becomes a tool for pwBPD to avoid facing responsibilities as they always have someone else to sell their victim story to, and everyone gets a different story

Thank you Wave,

I think this is something i really need to talk to him about. Everytime we try to talk about the ground rules and more he gets vague and tries to change the subject. I am guessing he is not even sure about what he wants either. I am going to take this open relationship as a polyamorous one i think. I feel we are compatible sexually like no others, and i would really like someone else to get his emotional inestability . Maybe that will be beneficial to do for me too.

[SlyQQ]

Xyz girl people with BPD are jealous