Yes, still learning after a year...

[MeandThee29]

One year ago my pwBPD tried to commit suicide after we had been separated for a week. The three of us were at the therapist while he was getting things together several counties away. I had my phone turned off, but turned it on again on the way home and everything unravelled from there.

He seemed to do so well in the behavioral unit, and we reunited and he came home. We thought it was a medication issue that was over-and-done with.

After a month he quit therapy. He never took the medication.

Five months later, we separated again, and he moved many states away. I realized that it was not a medication issue. It was a psychological/neurological issue.

What I've learned is that you can't take a short period of stability as indicative of true change. He was here this last week getting some things, and I kept my distance, preparing for another discard because he had been ugly leading up to that over the phone when we were trying to get the logistics done. Thankfully it went well, and he was more civil than I expected.

Hard, hard stuff, but I'm better off than I was a year ago. Much better.

[gotbushels]

... .I realized that it was not a medication issue. It was a psychological/neurological issue.

Yes, and regardless if it was a medication/psychological/neurological issue, what's good is that you don't try to blame yourself for a condition that existed before your relationship with the partner.

What I've learned is that you can't take a short period of stability as indicative of true change.

Yes. And it's also good it went in a civil manner. I too am always grateful when civil happens--it's easier for us to handle things with grace.

Hard, hard stuff, but I'm better off than I was a year ago. Much better.

Getting out of these things can be jarring at the realisations, but at the same time it can also be tremendously relieving.  If you've improved your situation, then that's a good thing.   

[heartandwhole]

MeandThee29,

That was a lot to endure. I'm glad your last meeting went better than expected, and that you are feeling better. It's been six years for me, and I'm still learning, but mostly about myself. It's been very rewarding.

If you'd care to share, I'd be interested in hearing what you've been learning about yourself since this very difficult experience.

heartandwhole

[MeandThee29]

If you'd care to share, I'd be interested in hearing what you've been learning about yourself since this very difficult experience.

The biggie is that I was willing to drop all the boundaries to make him "better" after the suicide attempt. TOTALLY unhealthy. When he started getting ugly, I should have walked out. What did I have to lose, after all? We had separated earlier. What would be another separation. I'm strong now though. When he started slinging mud over the phone, I stopped it. I refused to be around when he came to get his stuff.

I know now that the suicide attempt was intended to deeply hurt me. He survived though against all the odds, and then squandered the opportunity.

There's still a lot of uncertainty. We're moving this week, and I'm still cobbling together work with no benefits. But I've surprised myself with how brave I've been. Four degrees, and I might end up working at Home Depot for a time. So be it.

[heartandwhole]

There's still a lot of uncertainty. We're moving this week, and I'm still cobbling together work with no benefits. But I've surprised myself with how brave I've been.

This is great to hear. I experienced a lot of change after my breakup, and found that to be helpful. Kept me focused on moving forward in my life.

Yes, you are brave to step out into the unknown. Sounds like you have erected stronger boundaries as well. I think that is good when we feel raw and vulnerable after such a painful breakup.

For me, I also needed to be mindful that the boundaries didn't harden into walls, as I want my heart to stay open, too.  What do you think?

heartandwhole

[Jeffree]

MeandThee29,

Great work through a tough situation. Keep on truckin'! 

J

[Lucky Jim]

What I've learned is that you can't take a short period of stability as indicative of true change

Hey Meandthee, Right, that's what's so confusing about a BPD r/s: there are periods of relative calm in between the storms.  Yet the storms return and the cycle starts all over again.

I'm sorry to hear the tough things you've been through, particularly the attempted suicide.  My BPDxW threatened to commit suicide many times, and I still feel anxious even thinking about those episodes.  How are you coping with this trauma?

I'd like to echo Jeffree and heartandwhole: I admire your progress and growth.  Keep up the good work!

LuckyJim