six month of good behavior

[loyalwife]

Six months ago; we were separated on the verge of divorce. (He actually filed two times, and left me a total of four times in six months). I can honestly say that this has been a push/pull year. Each time that he left, he was in a major rage, that lasted for days. (I'd posted about the initial split, and the drama that it was.)

When he approached me six months ago, with the 2nd set of divorce papers being delivered any day, I took the advice of a friend, and told him that I was leaving and that he needn't worry about hearing from me again. I had a box ready to pack (that's all I had the heart to do), and that I wanted nothing and that I wished him a good life. He listened, and as the words sunk in, he started to cry saying that wasn't what he wanted. Okay, wouldn't you feel crazy if you were getting divorce papers and were now being told that wasn't what he wanted?

He said that I let it all go because of my son. I vowed to him that day that things would get better. And it has.  My son (the root of his contention, most of the time) moved away. Thankfully he got a job and is doing well. Our marriage has been slowly coming back together, except for one small hitch. He has the same ups and downs as before, he just tries to hide it. Sometimes he can do this successfully, but not always.

I mentioned wanting to get a will made up, as we had talked about doing this. He went into a rage, saying that I had plans to do away with him. I was shocked at his reaction as it was so uncalled for. He's made this whole thing into something I want that is selfish. We live in a state where community property, without a will goes to the blood line. I just do not want to be homeless at some point in my life (my name isn't on any titles or bank accounts) It's not about money, it is about having a home or not. He's convinced now that I'm up to no good. It's all in his head.

I'm practicing what others here have suggested and staying calm and out of his way. He's told me to 'get away', and so I am. We had a great six months, and it seems as if it all went away in on afternoon. It isn't easy to maintain the distance and keep a cool head, when the other person is reeling with emotion. I told him the I refused to engage in unhealthy ways. I just feel so alone sometimes and I think I forgot that BPD doesn't just go away, it lays in wait.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[knit knack]

Oh boy loyal wife  it’s so tough!

When you try everything andmaybe things work for 6 months, a year,m it’s true it can be like a rollercoaster. I went on line and bought a book yesterday and when I read the first chapter I almost started to cry it’s like yes! This is what is happening! but what I have learned so far is that this behaviour  isn’t about you and you can’t change his behaviour nor are you responsible for it. So you have to concentrate on yourself and take time for yourself cause you are worth it! And maybe then you can help your partner. he is lucky to have you. That’s My plan anyway. Good for you for setting limitsxxx let m know how it goes; you aren’t alone

[Tattered Heart]

Hi loyalwife,

I know exactly how surprising it can be when you go for months without a blow up and then it just shows up one day. It's shocking and can feel like all the hard work done over time is just gone. I'd like to encourage you to view this as more as just a set back than a return to life as it previously was. Like you said, BPD can go into remission but that doesn't mean it will stay there. Just as quickly as it pops up, it can also disappear too.

Death is a scary subject for pwBPD. And when pwBPD get scared or worried, they may dysregulate. My H does not want to talk about plans if something were to happen to me because he does not want to think of life without me. It's too distressing for him. Could the topic just be too overwhelming or too final for your H?

I would suggest that instead of disengaging from the conversation that you try an approach of asking him questions that can help you figure out what part of the conversation is so distressing to him. his feelings. Since the conversation has escalated you may need to address it on two different levels: his fear of you trying to do him in AND his fear of addressing topics related to death.

[loyalwife]

Hi,
   Thanks for the input, and support. I stopped asking about a 'will' and have dropped the subject as he asked me to, 'never bring it up again'. So there. It's all fine with me, I don't really care; he doesn't. Life has been smooth for the last few weeks, and then today out of nowhere he reminded me that it was a year ago that I called the cops on him and how horrible his life was last year. I kept my feelings inside as it would only take matters worse if I said anything about how I felt at the time. He only sees his side of the story and how he was inconvenienced. He also reinstated how much he hates my son. I am the one that called the cops and not my son. I was afraid that he had snapped and he would do something physically harmful (he had made threats). At the time, it was the only option I had. He's holding a huge grudge and refuses to forgive my son (my son lived with us for awhile, and was respectful.) I chalk this up to his jealousies. I see my son and daughter once a week, away from the house for a few hours. Usually I take them to lunch and visit a bit. I always let my husband know days ahead that I am doing this, but he still gets mad.  Today was no exception.  Especially since he reminded me that it was a year ago, that the incident happened.  

     I married J--- after 20 years of being a single mom. The kids are 24 and 25 years old, not babies. As a single mom, they were the center of my world and it's been an adjustment to not have them there. I have tried to reassure my husband that he is number one, and yet it feels as though he'd like them both to just go away. This is unacceptable to me.

     Last summer, when we were separated, my therapist told me that he would never be able to accept my kids and that I'd best just divorce. Of course, I couldn't believe that this could be true and we made our way back to each other. Although I have had things happen in my life that were unpleasant, I don't hold grudges of hate. This doesn't seem normal, or healthy. When I ask that he try to forgive, he shakes his head and says it isn't possible. Is this a trait of BPD? If so, how do I know that he has forgiven me for calling the cops last year? Perhaps he hasn't.

    Sorry for rambling.  Just need to talk.

[Tattered Heart]

When he talks about how he felt last year when the cops were called on him, can you show him that you understand how/why he would feel that way? Just address his emotions about it.

"I can imagine that was scary for you... ."
"I can see that you were really hurt by that... ."

or something along those lines.

[pearlsw]

hi loyalwife,

thanks for sharing this story! it is a sobering reminder that these issues can be lying in wait. my h has an uncanny ability to bring up things that i would have thought were previously settled. i have also been twice accused of trying to poison him. when i brought this up in front of his doctor he claimed he was “joking”. (he wasn't!) interesting take that shows me he knew exactly what he was doing and would say anything.

it is tough to know which battles to fight and when one has to stand one’s ground.

with compassion, pearl.

[loyalwife]

As suggested, I had an opportunity to let him know that I understand how scared he was and that I was sorry that it happened as it did. I could see his face change. I downloaded a book called "High Conflict Couple". We are reading a chapter a night. He seems to be interested, yet I can tell it is a bit uncomfortable. It is a bonding exercise, I feel.

I don't think he will be cured by any stretch of the imagination and that life will always have it's challenges. I'm just hoping that the good times out do the bad. Isn't that what we all hope for on this forum?