She has no way, of getting in touch, and feel slightly empowered

[Pencil sketch]

I have changed my number. I don't know how I feel, but now know, I have to concentrate on me, I still know hers, but feel that is what she wanted, almost a test.
A friend came with me, and knows the history, and said ' what you do next, is down to you, you can't keep blaming her for your actions, and it resonated, I was an extension of her, and vice versa. We spend so long, wondering what they are doing, how they are reacting, and Now, I have no choice, but to concentrate on me.
She has no way, of getting in touch, and feel slightly empowered, that I have taken action for me, it's not a victory, it shouldn't have to be this way, I feel in control.
I can't put into words, what this site has given me, and know, I can turn to You, when times get tough.
We are the important ones.

[Jeffree]

Good move, pencil sketch! 

I suspect good things will enter your life as you concentrate on you.

J

[Speck]

Bravo, Pencil Sketch!

Now, I have no choice, but to concentrate on me. She has no way, of getting in touch, and feel slightly empowered, that I have taken action for me, it's not a victory, it shouldn't have to be this way, I feel in control.

I'm so glad to hear that you're taking definitive steps to take care of yourself. And, yes, it is a victory.

Day by day, little by little, we heal.


-Speck

[Lucky Jim]

Hey pencil sketch, I admire your resolve.  I predict that better things are on the horizon.  Now might be a good time to examine why you got into a BPD r/s in the first place, which usually has something to do with one's childhood or family of origin.  Do you feel ready for this inquiry?  If not, take your time and wait until you feel more grounded.  Posting here is a good way to keep oneself on track.

LuckyJim

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks for all your positive replies, I am seeing a therapist on thueszy, but would also like to do some 'homework" for myself.
How do I start digging?
It's funny, I was trying to think of one positive trait about her, and I couldn't think of one, I believe I was addicted to the dynamics, the excitement, and I am missing the highs, but experiencing severe lows.
Any advice would be appreciated.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey PS, I'll give you a hint: usually there is something familiar about the dynamic of a BPD r/s that recalls some experience from one's past, which draws one into the r/s on what is almost a subconscious level.  OK, that was a mouthful!  Maybe you will discover something else, but that's a good place to start digging!   

LuckyJim

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Pencil sketch, How is that digging coming along?     LJ

[Pencil sketch]

Hey LJ, had a pretty rough day, yesterdays euphoria was short lived, and have been pretty numb.
She is on my mind 24/7 And it's worse than ever.
I think I am starting to feel hate, but also such a huge amount of loss, looking forward to seeing my therapist tomorrow.
Does anyone else have this all day?

[Jeffree]

PS,

Not anymore, but when my first ex wife just up and left, I couldn't stop thinking about it and feeling hurt.

It made no human sense that this person who I thought loved me and I loved back for 10 years could just up and leave without any notice and pretty much vanish from my life.

It was surreal, but slowly I regained my balance.

You will recover from this, too. It just takes time.

J

[Pencil sketch]

That's harsh, did she ever contact you again?
How do you accept, I try everyday, but all my mind wants to remember; are the good times.
I wish she would have just stayed away, I am all over the place again.
The hardest part, is I used to drive up to see her, with the radio on, and the intercom at work, plays most of them, so it's a constant reminder, I feel so helpless.

[Speck]

Hello, Pencil sketch:

Looking forward to seeing my therapist tomorrow.

Awesome. I think seeing a T is a stellar idea. I know that I always feel better after seeing mine. And! She gives me homework, which is helpful as well.
 

Does anyone else have this all day?

Not all day, but certainly a portion of every day. The portion gets smaller and smaller as the weeks go by. My uBPDw abruptly left me in November 2017. I don't even know where she's living at the moment, but that's not my stuff. It's hers. But... .memories, conversations, good times, bad times hit me at weird times no fewer than 5 times a day.

I am sad she left, then relieved she left, then sad, then relieved, sad, relieved... .

One thing that comforts me is knowing that this phase is just the processing stage. It must happen in order to heal, and I just let it come and go at will. It doesn't interfere with my ability to provide for myself or go about my daily activities, so that's a plus.

Sometimes, most times... .there's no way to it, but through it.

Let us know how your T session goes. And good for you for going!


-Speck

[Pencil sketch]

I can relate to that, she is always there, but I think, I have just got myself into a very negative groove, and thinking about anything but her, takes a huge amount of effort, I need to learn, how to direct my thoughts. She has exhausted me, mentally, perhaps that's what she wanted.