She's switched back into being 'nice' and 'wanting to make it work'

[Numbers321]

So, my uBPDW has repeatedly told me to 'get out'.

She's also told me, when asked in a lucid moment, that she thinks I'm too responsible to do it (because of our little boy). Tells me she didn't really mean it.

She's switched back into being 'nice' and 'wanting to make it work'. This means toning down obviously wrong behaviour while keeping up a constant stream of self pitying comments. She basically expects me to fall in love with her again and wipe the slate clean if she doesn't flip out for 2 days.

Then, in 'nice' mode, when she doesn't get her way throws emotional wobblers. Tells me I should just go again.

I feel bad because she has me nailed - I don't know if I am 'too responsible' to leave.

I don't know how to feel about these 'get out' comments. I know they're abusive because they're designed to undermine my feeling of security. But how far to take them literally? How far to let them go as dysregulated venting? How far should I take them as a sign she'll follow through when she feels it's to her advantage? How seriously can I take her commitment to 'making it work' when I'm sure that 'just go' is one awkward conversation away?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Numbers321,

 

I don't know how to feel about these 'get out' comments. I know they're abusive because they're designed to undermine my feeling of security.

I can relate with your post with the push / pull it’s crazy making behaviour. In the context of BPD a pwBPD fear abandonment it’s like kryptonite and a pwBPD expect that everyone in their lives will eventually leave them and will test and push those boundaries to see if you’re actually going to leave them. I think that these get out comments are tests to see if you’re to leave her.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Numbers321, that sounds like a really frustrating situation, and one I know too well.

One time my wife called me a dog and demanded I move out instantly. Unaware of BPD then, I said goodbye to my then 1.5 yr old boy and did it, transferring her most of my money and setting myself up in a dingy Airbnb. The next morning she texted me and asked me to come back.

I don't follow up on threats anymore. Now its if she wants to separate, I insist she takes the responsibility and move herself out and I'm glad to take care of the kids alone. She always says yes and then never does it.  

Seconding Mutt that this may just be a test.

As to whether she'll follow through on threats, what's her history / pattern on this? Has she ever followed through on anything she said while dysregulating?

~ROE

[pearlsw]

Hi Numbers321,

As a veteran of the breakup threat, a weary veteran I might add, this is something you have to find a way to get under control one way or another. The longer this goes on the longer it will damage you in ways you can't even fathom... .I'm telling ya, I think this is literally one of the worst things I've ever experienced in my life... .You can't have a normal life, a healthy relationship with reality, or with your partner, if your partner speaks in this way.

How long have you been together? How do you feel about the relationship overall? Are there other issues that are making things extremely difficult? It takes a serious plan to find your way through this... .my heart goes out to you!

warmly, pearl.

[Numbers321]

Hi folks. Good to know I'm not alone, but sorry that you understand.

I'm coming round to the 'being tested' theory. Buuuut, it doesn't make it feel any better. It's a test that destroys the sample, which in this case is our relationship. How can I trust this person to be a partner for my time on earth?

We've been together more than a decade. It's like there's a pattern that gets stronger on each repetition: excessive criticism, blaming, gaslighting. If I'd been more switched on when I was younger I'd have spotted it and acted. I'm a nerdy kind of guy and just didn't really reflect hard enough on this dimension of my life until I realised how difficult it was. I always accepted her explanation that all couples argue, that it was normal etc. until I realised it had gone further.

I followed through a couple of years ago when she told me to not bother coming home. Then, after what I now think of as a 'love bomb', we got back together as I thought I'd got through to her. Turns out I hadn't really as the behaviour started to return after our son was conceived. It's only then I looked into BPD as it had become clear this wasn't something that could be resolved with negotiation.

Feel like the only thing here for me now is my boy. She realises that, so the whole situation is pretty grim. Must be triggering for her. I can't take responsibility for that though, as it's been her actions that have undermined my feelings for her.