It was too good to be true

[Rickster]

It's quite a story, or at least I think so. After my 20+ year marriage suddenly exploded like a volcano, I found myself kicked out of my home, away from my two sons I love desperately, exiled 100 miles to our Summer house. Suddenly lost and depressed and all alone, fate intervened and I met a girl.

She was stunningly beautiful, endearing, cocky, a self-pitying drunk before that first night ended. She stayed with me for six months. We started slowly, chastely sleeping together for many nights, but eventually we became lovers.

I'm 30 years older than her, and honestly, after the tragedy of my marriage, it felt like a new lease on life. But life became a roller-coaster, a wild ride by turns exhilarating and then frustrating beyond any experience. It's been over four years, with her leaving in fury over and over.

And things took a significant turn for the worse a year and a half ago, during one of our inevitable multi-week or or multi-month splits, she found a way to get hooked on crack... .and it just gets worse. I am largely disengaged, but don't want to see her spiral beyond help. I don't think my fears are unfounded, I have saved her life several times, most recently from an OD. But no matter my intentions, it is a terrible balancing act at which I have constantly failed. Her behaviors along with my complicity, have caused me endless trouble, including legal trouble, which will keep us somewhat together at least a bit longer.

There are too many important details and complicating factors to bring up here and now. I am not even sure I am ready to deal with responses to this post, at least at this moment. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Rickster,



Welcome to the community. I’m sorry that things have spiraled to the point of bringing you here, but I’m glad you reached out. You’ve found a safe place to share, and you are not alone.

When you are ready, let us know how things stand now. For example, what is your living situation with your girlfriend? Has she had any treatment for her addiction or other symptoms?

Sharing what you are going through with others is an important part of improving the situation and recovering from the emotional and physical stress. We’re here for you. 

heartandwhole

[formflier]

  I am not even sure I am ready to deal with responses to this post, at least at this moment. 

Rickster,

I hope after seeing the first few responses, perhaps you will think differently.

I want to joint heartandhole in welcoming you to these boards... .... and expressing sympathy with the circumstances that led you here.  Bewildering sometimes... .I am sure.

The behaviors your girlfriend exhibit seem fairly "classic" on the BPD spectrum.  I foresee us being able to help you understand the dynamic between you... AND... .help you understand how to potentially stabilize your relationship. 

How does that sound?

Try to post regularly,  especially at first as we are just getting to know you.

You have found a safe place.

Best to you...

FF

[Mutt]

Hey Rickster,



Id like to join the others and welcome you. I completely understand how hard it is to cope when you’re on an emotional rollercoaster it helps when you have people that have walked in those shoes and are in your corner.

Many of us arrive here with so much to get off of their chest because they had no one in real life that could relate to them. I’m glad that you took that step to register and we work at your pace it’s your journey and we’ll be here when you’re ready. Hang in there.


PS The lessons are on the right side of the board  Take a look when you have the chance 

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Rickster,

I'm so so sorry for everything you've been through. It sounds like you've had to be strong for a long time. I have watched one of my old friends become overtaken by meth and crack. It's a beast that just eats them alive from the inside and there is not much you can do to stop them. It's hard to watch.

You've found a safe place here to share what you've been through. When you are ready to talk about it, know that you will find support, encouragement, and rest for your soul.

[Jeffree]

Rickster,

Wow! That IS quite a story. Without my discovery of this community and learning about BPD, I would have thought that you lived THE DREAM with your friend. But knowing what I know now, I can see how an innocent dalliance can become one's worst nightmare.

While I do hope that you will stick around and utilize the resources available to you here, I am curious about something else that perhaps you might be willing to discuss when ready: What happened with your marriage?

It's hard to believe that a 20-plus-year marriage is the subplot in your wild story.

J

[Rickster]

First, thanks everyone for the warm welcome.

I learnt many hard lessons before coming here, though I don't dare imagine that there isn't much more to learn and internalize. It's been lesson after lesson, in a pattern of irresolution that isn't that different from M's desire for crack... .perhaps love is the first "addiction." Love can't be the problem, but who we love which becomes how we love. (I have done more open ended soul searching about this and life in general, and I should be a bit wiser judging from what I am able to say as opposed to what I end up actually doing.)

I met her a week after being kicked out, and so the meeting had the sense of some pre-ordained event, so lovely and needful of my arms around her and so receptive to all that I was willing to share, I thought I was getting a karmic reward, "THE DREAM" as Jeffree says... .I was King Sh-t, as I had never ever been or imagined. My feelings with her were all the more for what I had left behind. At the same time, I never expected such a thing to last.

I had married a woman eleven years my junior, not so different than the 8 years between mom and dad. But she was superficially as different from mom as could be. Side by side, there was no mistaking my good, somewhat crazed and overprotective Jewish mother from my very attractive Korean wife.

If you detect an overemphasis on "female attractiveness," I will cop to it. I'm either lucky or unlucky or superficial or just obsessed, but I have partnered with some uniquely attractive women. My wife was not only beautiful, but educated, dynamic and bold, and from a well-off family. Me, I'm not bad, but nothing special to look at... .still, I'm a relatively smart guy, a cross between an artist and an entrepreneur. She grew up in Korea though we met in graduate school where I was a guest lecturer and she my student liaison. I was smitten and pursued her for years until I caught her and we began a life together that included sharing our careers as filmmakers.

We also planned out a family, but after the birth of our first son, everything changed. My wife grew distant and was afflicted with indefinable pains that effectively ended our love life. We did manage to have a second son, but that did not change anything. Despite a number of efforts to get her, or her and I together to counseling, or even to get her to the gynecologist, were impossible and usually a source of argument. She and her generation of Koreans did not believe in mental illness (as we understand it here, considering it a great source of shame) or divorce. Eventually, being a committed father was the source of nearly all my satisfactions within my family, as my wife became more withdrawn and then by turns, combative and angry. There were no compromises ever, and if I tried a new way to reach her every single day, I rarely succeeded.

At one point she was prescribed Paxil, the antidepressant, by our primary care doctor. This led to a three month period of incredible happiness, as if we were in a new relationship, and a source of hope for me. She got pregnant and discontinued the Paxil on her own. She experienced profound withdrawal symptoms and swore she would never touch another such pill. No matter what I thought or said, she would not reconsider, and my hopes were crushed. I spent years trying to get her to consider any possible professional help, but my efforts were considered insults.

By our last three years together, she was in bed most of the day... .only up to cook or run essential errands. We had gone from no sex to no physical contact to practically no communication and eventually no eye contact. Needless to say, I was depressed myself by this time and I found my singular relief in a series of brief infidelities... .crappy, furtive, masturbatory one night stands that were more punishment - punishing myself with guilt, and punishing her in a silent and cowardly way, for the absolute desperation I had been feeling for nearly ten years.

She found out... .but she had her suspicions for years and years when there was nothing to justify them. She went as far as having my older, teenage son, act as her detective, seeking into my email and messenger posts where I had set up my cheap liaisons (with professionals, fwiw). For this dip into insanity and self-abuse, she found the immediate satisfaction to toss me out unceremoniously and without a word. It all happened so quickly once it happened, though it was ten years in the making, if not longer.

And so, she took all my money, alienated my children and left me to our Summer place. I met M a week later... .can you imagine?

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Rickster and welcome. Your subplot is truly a story in itself. My wife is from an East Asian country as well and though she's been open to therapy she often sees it as something us Americans just away to.

Despite your wife's work to alienate you from your children, is there any way for you to connect with them? Do you have any contact and how do you feel about the situation? 

ROE

[Rickster]

The story just keeps expanding as I tell it.  

My 15 year old didn't want to talk to me. At the start, he thought I should be "punished." Still, I would send him a text every three weeks. Not too many replies. When he turned 18, I no longer had a restraining order to worry about. As best I could, I demanded he be my son again. He had witnessed his mother's antics for three years and spent three years with a girlfriend of his own... .he had seen enough to understand much more than he had at the start of this adventure in divorce.

And since then we have been good friends, as best as we can considering that my wife (yes, the divorce is still in process) considers any support of me, a betrayal of her. He wrote a letter to the court in my behalf, and his mom wouldn't feed or talk to him for two weeks. Bacon and eggs for "R," but "I" can boil his own water and make his own ramen noodles. And that is the environment where my younger one must consider his welfare.

At the start of the ordeal, the court granted me three hours per week of supervised visitation with my eight year old. The story of my divorce is basically me trying to get more time with my younger son, and my wife fighting me in court, spending unimaginable amounts of my own money for 4 1/2 years already. Me, I went through randomly drug tests and supervised visits and evaluations and a sequence of slow increases to the time I was allotted, and finally, I earned Saturdays with my little boy.

But when the wife found out about that young girlfriend from my first post, suddenly my young son didn't want to see me. And again, I have been fighting in court and going through what has become a nightmare of "therapeutic supervision" at the costs of thousands of dollars per month, for three hour visits once again.

I was once a 24/7 dad, and a darn good one. It breaks my heart to see her abuse my sons this way.

R

[Rickster]

I was asked, "... .what is your living situation with your girlfriend? Has she had any treatment for her addiction or other symptoms?"

Is she still my girlfriend (and was she ever?) I've thought about this endlessly, repeatedly as she comes in and out of my life. I am vulnerable to her exceptional charms for so many reasons, not the least of which is her own skill and experience at manipulating men. There is no doubt however, that I am special in her life (as she is in mine,) we two victims of circumstance thrown together to comfort each other... .and that we did.

How many times did she run away or explode before I realized that after whatever vindictive game or self-destructive disaster, she would be back? I didn't have to go through all that hating her briefly and rationalizing and missing her and wanting her to return... .because she would always return. She is away now, and even from a 100 miles distance, I know she will be back.

More than a few times I thought I had escaped from what compels, confuses and frightens me. I treated her decently, almost always, and always better than she did me. And how many times before I realized what she herself said best, when once I asked her how she could love me so hard on a Monday and treat me so badly on Tuesday... ."I treat you badly because I love you... ." and how can I deny that I don't already know this too well?

And she would come in and out of my life, even if she was never far. And this was difficult enough, when she decided to make everything impossible. One of her sisters, a long time junkie and part time prostitute, moved in with a crack dealer, to a house just minutes from me. This began a routine of deceit (her knowing how I feel about addictive drugs) and an entire variety of horrible new needs and behaviors that I could not abide.

It took time for me to see what is now clear in hindsight, eventually deciding that I must "cut my losses" and disengage. But this was (or had been) my woman and my baby, and even if I could no longer feel safe by her side, I was not prepared to abandon her to her horrible new miseries, how could I? After saving her from a deadly OD, I began applying my best effort to get her into a rehab program. I tried... .we tried, and we have failed nearly a dozen times.  

She had already embroiled me in legal troubles previously by dramatic and absurd 911 calls, but with her addiction to multiple substances, the risks of merely keeping her company became overwhelming. I eventually found myself in serious legal jeopardy and I am in the midst of it at this moment. She too, has spiraled further out of control... .been evicted from her apartment, begun stealing from her friends and family, found herself charged with a felony for criminal mischief (just the usual explosion of frustration and poor impulse control) and I don't even know where she is or who is keeping her.

As for our relationship, it is now defined as much by my lawyer as it is by the two of us. I must not alienate this woman I cared so much about, so she can testify in court in my behalf... .if she is capable and still my 'friend' when that moment arrives. And I must not love her, at least not so she can drag me into her world again.

Here is what I hope... .that she will find her way to a dual diagnosis program for her addiction and her personality disorder... .and we were on our way to exactly that when a terrific snowstorm waylaid us and all our plans. Once the weather cleared, she ran away into the night, She has called me since, but I just try and stay calm and remain her friend.

[formflier]

Hey Rickster,

I'm trying to figure out how to best guide you or even what you need help with.  It's obvious there is a swirl of dysfunctional stuff going on in your life. 

It can't be addressed all at once (and shouldn't)... .many times improvement in boundaries and healthy decision making in one area... sorta help take care of other areas by default.

There are a couple things that I would caution you about.  pwBPD have lots of recycles.  That is true.  I got a feeling of a strong "assumption" on your part that "she would always be back".  I would not recommend thinking that.

Usually there is a "straw that breaks the camels back" moment... .and one person in the r/s barely even notices it... .the other checks out... . 

Said another way... conflict builds up over time... .the scar tissue builds up... .sometimes people remain together without feeling anything, because to them the absence of conflict feels "good".

Is one of your goals to recycle with her?  If it is, then we will certainly have a lot of work to do.  If you goal is to recycle, but with a certain set of conditions... .then that isanother direction.

There is mention of legal troubles defining your relationship.  Likely best for you to lay that out for us, otherwise we could inadvertently steer you in the wrong direction.

Let's ask this another way.  Where do you see your life in 6 months?  How do you believe we can help you get there?

FF

[Rickster]

Plenty of dysfunction and me trying to keep all those balls in the air.

Where do I see myself in six months? Good question.

I hope my legal problems are over - then I can make choices about her without making deference to her leverage (to have to testify) be the foremost factor. I'm talking about two criminal matters that I hope will get cleared up. It wasn't actually in my playbook to get my first arrest upon turning 60, after a pretty peaceful life.

I hope my divorce is over - I have borrowed from everyone I could, and my legal bills continue. I have a hyper-vindictive wife who has spent half of my retirement savings. But living on borrowed cash and too little of it at that, does nothing to keep my options open.

Recycle with her? I never expected this May/December thing to last, but it is insupportable as it its. If she was off drugs and for the first time in her life having therapy that actually teaches her how to deal better with her personality disorder, this would be a real question. If I could get her to take the plunge, I would, no matter what was it it for me. She knows that already. We were close to that just a week ago... .too close for her to bear.

But, I am smitten... .she's the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and she loves me. If I thought she could control herself better (as I have become better in these four years, somewhat) at managing herself, it would be very tempting. Now, I am simply waiting for some dust to clear, as I concentrate on my legal issues.

I had a friend, in the course of correspondence with me as I related the particulars of my times with M, he resolutely informed me of his diagnosis of BPD, based on a relationship that he had been through. His constant advice, repeated ad nauseam with apologies for giving any advice at all, has been, "She will take you as far as you let her." And that has been resoundingly true and getting truer as I let her take me further and further. Letting her, through a multiplicity of deceptions, draw me into an assault, though I was only defending myself, that was my final straw.

With her lurking in my near past and imminent future, and the legal matters clouding everything else, I can not do many of the things I need to to move on, and part of what that means is finding a new relationship.

[formflier]

So... .for the legal stuff, is it safe to assume you have a L?

Has she given a sworn statement to your L and perhaps a private investigator?  In other words, if she disappears... .how does her information get to court?  I get it that is a state by state thing... I am familiar with some states that allow a PI to "contradict" sworn testimony or pass along what they heard.

But... .this board is not really about legal advice.

So... .how do you see us helping you?  Do you often talk with your ex and you want to improve  communication?

Do you want to learn how to get back to a peaceful life?


FF

[Rickster]

Yes, have a lawyer and M has given a sworn statement to a PI. The reason I am asked by my lawyer to "remain friendly" is in the hope she will show up when needed. I am already preparing alternative evidence, though her absence would make things more difficult. I don't think my state allows what my attorney said would be regarded as "hearsay."

I'm not sure how you will or can help, but I am finding it an opportunity to lay things out and I am listening... .

I try to contact my ex, but she refuses all my communications, no matter they are courteous, relevant and businesslike.

Peaceful life? Of course, I want peace (within reason). The legal stuff and M's import to its resolution are currently the source of most of my disquiet. If this goes away, she could conceivably return to being my biggest problem all by herself, but I don't plan or expect to let that happen.

[formflier]

OK... .I see and understand what your L wants.

Knowing what I know about pwBPD... .I would cease trying to contact her... for a while.

Can you tell us a bit about the last couple times you communicated... .some he said she said.

If she perceives you are "chasing" her... that might not go well.


FF

[Rickster]

I can't contact her... .since she busted the iPhone I got her last year and lost her Obamaphone and then gave the fat cabdriver back his phone... .it's been months since I could call her despite she once lived with me. and now (as of the last two or three days) has a new place, she says.

If I really need her for a bit of 'business' (such as getting her cat back to her before I move back to the city) I leave a message at her mother's. She calls, if she needs money and thinks I may have forgiven her for whatever happened last, or wondering when I will be available for whatever good or bad comes into her mind.

She is not the same creature I fell for those years ago, the crack and heroin have changed her. In a horrible twisted way they have given her a new reason to live, but one I hate. It means she constantly flaunts the law, is constantly mixing with scum, is in constant need of money, is constantly putting her health at risk... .and then there are the distortions to her personality - on crack she's not fit to be with at all, otherwise her behavior will be dictated by where she lies relative to withdrawal. She is a junkie now.

She called last night and told me she was better than ever and wanted to know when I would return to the country. It will be tomorrow. She will try and get $30 or 40 from me if she gets in touch. If she's in a good mood, she'll want to spend the night with me.

I haven't mentioned my current living situation (among the infinitely unfolding details) but it is relevant. I was "exiled" to my family's Summer place in the country at the end of my marriage. I'm a city boy and M is a local, country girl; we met here and most of out times have been here, her stomping grounds... .and they do haunt her. But, in the last year, my 86 year old mother has required significant care, so I'm now spending the bulk of my time with her in the city, I return to the country as I need to:  for my legal matters, to care for the house (I'm selling,) and to see M.

I am in the city now, back to the country late tomorrow, and likely seeing her Wednesday evening... .but it's up to her. Me, I have to offer her a very good reason not to see her lest she think I'm abandoning her... .

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Rickster,

I am so sorry you are going through such a complicated and stressful time. There are so many layers to your story, all worthy of being addressed. Regarding your children, let me just say I know how emotional and humiliating it is to be put through supervised therapeutic visitation. I am currently in my fourth year of having to bear that situation. I lost custody of my oldest children due to a situation regarding my uBPDh, and I am still trying to get the ban lifted so I can see them unsupervised. It is incredibly frustrating, especially since I have full custody of my youngest S2.

I would have to agree with FF, it does not seem as though contact with your pwBPD would be wise at this time. A substance abuse disorder combined with BPD traits a whole other level of complexity, unpredictability and erratic behavior. I understand that you do not want to alienate or anger her in the event that she may refuse to testify on your behalf. Have you discussed with your L the ramifications if she does not show, or if she in her disordered state decides to "paint you black"?

Blessings and peace

Redeemed

[I Am Redeemed]

.

[I Am Redeemed]

Rickster,

Sorry if I missed this before, but do you have a therapist?

Redeemed

[Rickster]

Yeah, it's a bit overwhelming, especially having saved this marathon of difficulties and dysfunction for the sixth decade of my life. Thank you Redeemed for your sympathies with respect to "therapeutic supervision." I'm not going to go into details but you are right, it is humiliating and such a practice turns a father into a grandpa or maybe even a weird Uncle, as we are perceived somehow as untrustworthy for that fact we need to be supervised.

And I have not seen my pwBPD for two weeks now; only two brief phone conversation initiated by her, and have only met up for a day or two  through the last couple of months. My moving to the city effectively put her outside of the most of my life. Still, I miss her all the time. Still, I curse her out loud a few times each day. And yes, it is the combination of BPD and her incredible drug use that makes her especially unpredictable, difficult and dangerous.

My lawyer was prepared to put a material witness warrant on her, as she was talking about leaving the country, and that would have had her locked up... .something I know I would never be forgiven for. I am trying to keep track of her and stay in touch just enough, but she is the best choice to speak in my behalf - she knows my troubles too well because she is responsible for the lies, deceptions and all of the drug use that put me in my present position - that is, assuming she doesn't end up my enemy that day.

So far, though, she has accepted her part and responsibility in all this, and has managed to fulfill two appointments with my lawyer and Pi. Maybe I imagine what I want to, but she seems to be able to recognize her deeper responsibilities to me even if in the ordinary day, her dysphoria or impulsiveness can ruin everything. Fingers crossed.

But, my lawyer has asked me for additional documents, in case she becomes a problem, and I have been busily doing the best I can to accumulate  them. I have also cultivated a good relationship with her mother, who has agreed to testify in my behalf if necessary. We'll see... .in maybe another month and a half.

As for therapists... .funny story, or maybe not funny. As I was trying to find therapists in my area who could provide regular help for my pwBPD, there were only two with experience in my county. One was fully committed and not taking on new patients. The other after hearing a bit of my situation, suggested that she could not be helped, I should get out of her way immediately, and suggested that i was the one who needed therapy.

My lawyer has actually placed me with two separate therapists whose job was to look at me, prepare reports on  my mental state and be prepared to testify for me. One of these therapists has suggested that i continue with her, but even she sees that my legal troubles are at the moment my biggest burden. As I mentioned, they may be over in some weeks... .hopefully without a guilty finding.

Thanks to all for their words and thoughts.