Deep in the midst of the pain and withdrawal

[Depression = 72% of members]

I recently went no contact, two weeks ago, with my recently separated (1 1/2 months ago) uBPD wife.  I had to do it for my own mental and emotional health.  

She left in late January, suddenly (as "suddenly" as the recognizable and lengthy devaluation and discard cycle can end... .you just don't know if/when that sudden bail out will occur, even though you see the pattern repeating yet again).  I had been waiting for the other shoe to drop since early December of last year.  To understand the situation, you would have to understand some background of our relationship.  

My wife's life is one long chain of short periods of relative calm interrupted by periods of extreme drama, stress and chaos, mostly related to her ex boyfriend and the 3 children (all adults now) she had with him.  She has "disappeared" or bailed out on me and our relationship many times.  Each time, the impact on me emotionally, mentally and financially seemed to have worse and worse consequences with each successive cycle.  I''m not talking about just disappearing and cutting off contact.  I mean things like leaving me to pay all expenses in a 3,200 square foot house we had leased together after getting married, leaving me completely stranded 200 miles away from home (my brother had to drive to pick me up), leaving me 2 months after we had just rented an apartment together with me not yet having a job and this time, leaving me in a financial crisis that could have left me homeless in a second apartment we rented together.  

All of these cycles triggered by stress, drama and chaos related to her ex boyfriend and children.  And it's always the same cycle... .emotional and physical distancing, subtle putdowns escalating to overtly abusive name calling and comments, complete separation emotionally and then, at the discard, manufacturing/creating an argument or conflict on something she knows will hurt me and cause a conflict and using that argument and my reaction to her behavior as her excuse to discard and bailout.  Usually, it ends with me setting a very firm boundary because of her behavior, her not taking any ownership and going passive-aggressive for days while I attempt to get her to engage in conversation, us having a blow up argument and her blaming me for pushing her away and her discarding and leaving.  With very little variation, this has been her cycle our entire relationship.  

This time, it was the poor choices of her eldest son getting himself into trouble that triggered her.  But, of course, it was "all my fault" and "I did this to myself".  It's like watching your entire world slowly melt around you and you are powerless to stop it.  And the toxic blame, shame and devaluation leading up to her discard are vicious, cruel... ."My whole family thinks you're a loser", "You're a fat, ugly loser", "I can't stand being here, why don't you just move out", "You're a lousy husband.  I need someone who's actually a man"... .yet sprinkled in with these insults is the push/pull... .taking the day off to spend the day with me at a local museum, telling me that she "always loves me, no matter what", literally 2 days before she discarded me in January.  

She just came home at 7:30pm after work, announced she was leaving, packed about 2/3 of her clothes and personal belongings and left.  Cut off all communication, has never returned for her remaining clothes or personal belongings.  She discarded in the most cruel way, blaming me, took our pet cat, called me horrible names and berated me.  Citing yet another manufactured argument by walking all over my boundaries.  And, of course, the argument was "all my fault" and I "pushed her away" by holding firm to a boundary to preserve my self-respect.  

After trying to communicate with her for a month, I finally shut off her cell phone line on my account and have gone no contact at all for the past 2 weeks.  I have to break free and stop this madness.  It has taken a toll on me mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  She's made me feel worthless and has severely damaged my self-esteem.  It's the most excruciating pain... .has been each time she has discarded... .but, this time, even moreso because I had decided before she left that if she discarded this time, I had to detach and break free of this toxic relationship.  But, it's such a paradox.  The one thing that I KNOW FOR A FACT IS UNHEALTHY FOR ME is the very thing that I seem to be addicted to like a drug and have a monumentally difficult time breaking free from.  

The pain sometimes is unbearable, but I am absolutely resolute that I must break free.  I don't believe she will recycle this time, but, then again, I never thought she would recycle after all the other times she discarded.  And even is she does, I do not want her back.  Even if she somehow  had a revelation and took healing herself seriously with medication and therapy, I simply cannot allow her to destroy me like this anymore.  

I understand that I bring my own dynamics to the relationship and the fact that I have tried over and over to make this relationship work to the point where I sacrificed myself for it is evidence that I have brokenness within me that needs to be healed.  I get it.  But, I have done nothing to her to deserve the damage she's done to me emotionally, mentally and financially.  But, sadly, I still love her and it hurts worse that any pain I have ever felt in my life.  And it's probably worse this time because I have myself resolved to end the toxic torture and break free.  So, I have the added emotion of knowing that there will be no more recycles and this is it.  

I'm just deep in the midst of the pain and withdrawal right now.  And it's as if I don't even exist to her.  So strange how she just paints me black and cuts me off.  I'm allowing myself to feel my emotions, but I'm trying not to be too angry.  I feel deep anger toward her right now because of her betrayal and utter disregard for me, my well-being and for me as a human being with a heart.  Sorry this is so long.  just needing to get some of this out and I know there are those here who can related and maybe give me words of encouragement and advice as I try to break free from her.

[PianoDood]

I recently went no contact, two weeks ago, with my recently separated (1 1/2 months ago) uBPD wife.  I had to do it for my own mental and emotional health.  

She left in late January, suddenly (as "suddenly" as the recognizable and lengthy devaluation and discard cycle can end... .you just don't know if/when that sudden bail out will occur, even though you see the pattern repeating yet again).  I had been waiting for the other shoe to drop since early December of last year.  To understand the situation, you would have to understand some background of our relationship.  

My wife's life is one long chain of short periods of relative calm interrupted by periods of extreme drama, stress and chaos, mostly related to her ex boyfriend and the 3 children (all adults now) she had with him.  She has "disappeared" or bailed out on me and our relationship many times.  Each time, the impact on me emotionally, mentally and financially seemed to have worse and worse consequences with each successive cycle.  I''m not talking about just disappearing and cutting off contact.  I mean things like leaving me to pay all expenses in a 3,200 square foot house we had leased together after getting married, leaving me completely stranded 200 miles away from home (my brother had to drive to pick me up), leaving me 2 months after we had just rented an apartment together with me not yet having a job and this time, leaving me in a financial crisis that could have left me homeless in a second apartment we rented together.  

All of these cycles triggered by stress, drama and chaos related to her ex boyfriend and children.  And it's always the same cycle... .emotional and physical distancing, subtle putdowns escalating to overtly abusive name calling and comments, complete separation emotionally and then, at the discard, manufacturing/creating an argument or conflict on something she knows will hurt me and cause a conflict and using that argument and my reaction to her behavior as her excuse to discard and bailout.  Usually, it ends with me setting a very firm boundary because of her behavior, her not taking any ownership and going passive-aggressive for days while I attempt to get her to engage in conversation, us having a blow up argument and her blaming me for pushing her away and her discarding and leaving.  With very little variation, this has been her cycle our entire relationship.  

This time, it was the poor choices of her eldest son getting himself into trouble that triggered her.  But, of course, it was "all my fault" and "I did this to myself".  It's like watching your entire world slowly melt around you and you are powerless to stop it.  And the toxic blame, shame and devaluation leading up to her discard are vicious, cruel... ."My whole family thinks you're a loser", "You're a fat, ugly loser", "I can't stand being here, why don't you just move out", "You're a lousy husband.  I need someone who's actually a man"... .yet sprinkled in with these insults is the push/pull... .taking the day off to spend the day with me at a local museum, telling me that she "always loves me, no matter what", literally 2 days before she discarded me in January.  

She just came home at 7:30pm after work, announced she was leaving, packed about 2/3 of her clothes and personal belongings and left.  Cut off all communication, has never returned for her remaining clothes or personal belongings.  She discarded in the most cruel way, blaming me, took our pet cat, called me horrible names and berated me.  Citing yet another manufactured argument by walking all over my boundaries.  And, of course, the argument was "all my fault" and I "pushed her away" by holding firm to a boundary to preserve my self-respect.  

After trying to communicate with her for a month, I finally shut off her cell phone line on my account and have gone no contact at all for the past 2 weeks.  I have to break free and stop this madness.  It has taken a toll on me mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  She's made me feel worthless and has severely damaged my self-esteem.  It's the most excruciating pain... .has been each time she has discarded... .but, this time, even moreso because I had decided before she left that if she discarded this time, I had to detach and break free of this toxic relationship.  But, it's such a paradox.  The one thing that I KNOW FOR A FACT IS UNHEALTHY FOR ME is the very thing that I seem to be addicted to like a drug and have a monumentally difficult time breaking free from.  

The pain sometimes is unbearable, but I am absolutely resolute that I must break free.  I don't believe she will recycle this time, but, then again, I never thought she would recycle after all the other times she discarded.  And even is she does, I do not want her back.  Even if she somehow  had a revelation and took healing herself seriously with medication and therapy, I simply cannot allow her to destroy me like this anymore.  

I understand that I bring my own dynamics to the relationship and the fact that I have tried over and over to make this relationship work to the point where I sacrificed myself for it is evidence that I have brokenness within me that needs to be healed.  I get it.  But, I have done nothing to her to deserve the damage she's done to me emotionally, mentally and financially.  But, sadly, I still love her and it hurts worse that any pain I have ever felt in my life.  And it's probably worse this time because I have myself resolved to end the toxic torture and break free.  So, I have the added emotion of knowing that there will be no more recycles and this is it.  

I'm just deep in the midst of the pain and withdrawal right now.  And it's as if I don't even exist to her.  So strange how she just paints me black and cuts me off.  I'm allowing myself to feel my emotions, but I'm trying not to be too angry.  I feel deep anger toward her right now because of her betrayal and utter disregard for me, my well-being and for me as a human being with a heart.  Sorry this is so long.  just needing to get some of this out and I know there are those here who can related and maybe give me words of encouragement and advice as I try to break free from her.

[PianoDood]

Just a bit more information... .the final straw that motivated me to go no contact completely was an email I received from her 2 weeks ago.  I had been asking  my uBPD wife for 30 days if she was still using the cell phone line I was paying for for her on my account or if she had gotten herself a new number or new phone.  She did not respond, so, after 30 days, I shut off her cell phone line.  The very next day, I received an email from her.  After a full month of cutting off communication  with me except for 2 texts messages blaming me and telling me to stop contacting her, she emails me to say "you must not want to communicate with me anymore since you shut off my cell phone".  And "you pushed me out of the apartment by pushing me away".  Toxic blaming, shaming, twisting.  Either she is suffering with cognitive distortion or she's just purposefully being evil.  It was just her way of blaming me and making everything my fault, triggered by me taking an action that showed signs of breaking free.  

Haven't heard from her again as I shut down that email account.  And she has not attempted to call or text me.  I'm tempted to change my cell phone number so that she can't.  It's just all so hurtful, confusing and extremely damaging.  Even though I cognitively rejected her blaming and twisting, just the act of reading her toxic email set me back to square one for 3 days.  It literally took me 3 days to recover.  I couldn't function, laid in bed and was filled with pain again.  But, I've now had 2 weeks of no contact and I am resolved to heal myself and break free.  And 1/3 of her clothes and possessions are still here.  I'm sick of looking at them.  I'm half tempted to just put them in the dumpster outside to get rid of them.  It's such bizarre, hurtful, damaging behavior.

[Mutt]

I really feel for you because the early stages are really tough I recall a member say that it’s like quitting drugs and alcohol obviously everyone’s journey is different but the intensity tapers off this is the worst in my opinion.

I can relate with how an email can make you feel like you’re back on the emotional rollercoaster. I check most of my email on my phone but what I did was create a folder and message rule to have her emails not reach my inbox. I have kids with her so I can’t completely go contact and at that time most emails were not an emergency and didn’t require a response ASAP.

I set a day of the week ( Thursdays ) and scanned through the emails to find something valid to respond too, if respond back and check my inbox the following Thursday. My point is these messages can really disrupt your day because of how they make you feel. You could set a day and time aside to respond to what is valid not every thing needs a response.

[PianoDood]

 Thank you for the feedback, Mutt.  I have learned how better to ride the waves of pain until they pass.   And I know it will get better with time.  I am able to go no contact because we don't have children together.   I figure if she truly needs to contact me, she knows my cell number.   She's painted me black and has no doubt created an alternate reality narrative that paints her as the victim in her own mind and to her family.   The scary thing is, what triggered her cycle had nothing to do with our relationship... .she simply manufactured the  final conflict to justify her discard.   It's what she does every time.   But, it has to be that way for her.   She can't deal with reality.   Dealing with reality and difficult situations  is too painful for her.   So,  she creates a narrative that not only provides the means to her end,  but also justifies it (in her mind).  It's very bizarre behavior to me.  Very manipulative.   And the scary thing is,  I don't think she even realizes fully that she does it. And if she does realize what she is doing, she obviously doesn't find it abnormal. And obviously has no remorse over it...   It's almost as if it's just a natural (yet abnormal) way of dealing with things for her.  She just sees it as "how she is".  As long as the result is what she believes,  at that moment,  she needs to do, then anything is justifiable.   Anything to protect her fragile sense of self and avoid dealing with reality honestly.  And it's extremely destructive to herself and everyone closest to her.   I can only continue to try to heal,  take steps to rebuild my self-esteem, focus on my future and move forward. The only thing I control is me. I have released her to do whatever it is she needs to do. My last words to her in my email response 2 weeks ago were... ."If you don't love me and you don't want me in your life, I can't change that."  Then I went no contact.   No word about whether she's planning to file for divorce, she's been gone nearly two months and no papers for divorce... .It's just all very strange.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi PianoDood (like the name by the way!),

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you to the site.  I'm glad that you found us, although sorry about the circumstances.  I truly feel for your pain right now, as I left my ex and went NC and it was heartbreaking.  Being forced to make that decision was the hardest thing I'd done in a very long time, if not ever.  So know that you're not alone in this.  We know how difficult this is for you and we're here to walk with you every step of the way.  Hang in there.  You seem focused on doing the right things for yourself and that is a great start.  I hope you'll involve yourself in the discussions here, as the community support on this board made a world of difference to me in my own detaching and healing.  Stick around.  We can help.

Love and light x    

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Pianodood-

That is a cool name!  I too, am so so sorry for your pain and confusion.  Recycles and discards are devastating and messy.  Never knowing where we stand in these "love" relationships has a way of making us feel that we're teetering at the edge of a cliff... .and we are, for all intents and purposes.

There is one thing I'd like to say to you.  Please... .if you can, focus on your own power over yourself.  We have zero control over our BPD partners and their dysregulation.  Zero.  No control over their cruelty, their skewed definition of love and no way to "fix" them.

I speak from a veil of pain.  But I laughed today.  I worked today.  Uninterrupted by either thoughts of my own death or his hateful words.  I am 22 days free of the sound of his voice.  Finally... .finally, after 4.5 years, I am prepared to release all feelings I had/have for him and heal myself.

As for her stuff... .box it up and remove it from your line of sight.  You don't need to look at it.  I did that today.  In a few days, I'll remove the remaining framed photos, which he strategically placed throughout my home.

What I ask for you to consider is your response to her email.  If you are in fact prepared to begin the detachment and healing process, then the answer is NOT "if you don't love me and don't want me in your life, I can't change that".  The answer may be something more profound.  Something like, "no thank you, I've had enough."

Be good to yourself.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[PianoDood]

Harley Quinn and Gemsforeyes... .thank you.  I'm still in that place where I'm waiting for my heart to catch up with my head.   I've known for years that my wife was unhealthy from a 14 year,  severely mentally,  emotionally and physically abusive relationship with the father of her children.   And I recognized early in the relationship,  even 12 years ago at the very beginning,  that my Achilles heel of "rescuing caretaker" was not only what drew me to her so powerfully and what she used to hook me early in the relationship.  I was her knight in shining armor and I had holes in me that her initial idealization and love saturation filled to the brim,  perfectly.   She became my drug.   I have actually walked away from relationships that had red flags before.   But there was something about what she provided at that specific time in my life that,  quite literally, instantly hooked me and influenced me to overlook every red flag,  forgive every betrayal (although she never once took responsibility for or asked to be forgiven for those betrayals).  And it all became a vicious cycle.  

She would recycle just as I was regaining my sense of self,  but as soon as she felt I was "hooked" again,  the devaluation and push/pull would start again.   And with every recycle,  she gave less and less and I gave more and more.  And what has this 12 years of "rescue iteration" gotten me?  Loss of self-esteem, loss of personally important relationships, loss of property and finances and a ton of heartache and destruction.   Just to be discarded because of her life circumstances again.  

And what's truly telling is this fact... .her quality of life in the past 12 years has not improved at all.  It's deteriorated.  Her children have destroyed her credit,  she's made bad decision after bad decision as a parent and has literally left a trail of destruction in her wake.   And it's not because I didn't provide ample opportunities to prosper together... .houses,  apartments,  cars, money to help feed and take care of her children when she couldn't or had made bad choices... .she has literally moved backward in many ways and I let her take me with her.  

My quality of life has suffered as a result as well.  She sabotaged every opportunity we had to move forward and prosper.   EVERY.  SINGLE.  TIME.  Instead of me rescuing her,  she has pulled me down into the pounding surf with her.   The only times I've felt healthy and "myself" in the past 12 years were those periods of discard.   But as soon. As she recycled and I accepted her back,  the devaluation,  chipping away at my boundaries,  self-respect and self-esteem would begin.  

Yes, ice known for years that I needed to break away from her, but everything I've read on this site explains to me more and more the reasons for her behavior, describes her behavior to a "T", explains my role in this unholy, toxic dance and helps me realize that I'm not crazy.   I'm not to blame for everything she projects or transfers to me.  She can throw all the toxic blame grenades she wants.   I don't have to catch them.  

I now even question if I truly love her because it's so unhealthy and not at all a loving bond.  It was a trauma bond.  So, yes, I knew it's long past time to break free.   She is in denial about her disorder.   She knows she has issues.   Even admits she does sometimes.  But she refuses to own her healing from her past abuse and emotional healing.  And I doubt she ever will.   I guess that's why so many borderlines don't seek healing.   The first step is genuinely acknowledging that they have a disorder and need healing.   That kind of self-evaluation is a painful and frightening task for someone who doesn't have  a firm sense of self and, in my wife's case,  dislikes herself to the point that taking responsibility for her actions,  behavior And choices is too painful of an admission.   So, she blames and plays the victim.  Or, as she likes to say, "survivor, not victim".  Sounds stronger to her, I suppose.  

I will heal.  And there are already days when I feel more healthy and like myself again.   But, this early in the process,  those toxic emotions... .the blame,  shame,  devastation,  mental and emotional abuse... .all show their ugly faces still... .and usually unannounced or triggered by something.  I feel I'm on the right path.   I know my heart will catch up with my brain.   And i know I'll be happy again.   As for my wife... .I've released her within my heart.   I still feel emotions for her.   But,  I don't feel emotionally shackled to her now.  And in a way,  I feel compassion and empathy for her (but not in a rescuing sense).  Because I know without help and healing,  she will continue to damage those closest to her,  she will continue to make disjointed, emotionally driven bad decisions and she will continue to struggle in life.  

As for me, my rescuing days are over.   I've released her to her own choices and their consequences.  I need to start making the ones that are healthy for me.

[PianoDood]

Gemsforeyes... .You're absolutely right. There was always of an imbalance of emotional energy in our relationship... .A constant battle for emotional control on her side, not mine. While she was battling from control I was simply battling to survive does that make sense? So, yes I totally agree the way I responded to her sound like I was hitting the ball back into her court and giving her control. And part of it for me two weeks ago I wasn't feeling as strong as I am now with two weeks of no contact and two weeks of setting my eyes forward and not backward. you folks are so kind to share your own experiences and I'm so sorry that you're going through what you're going through as well. So sorry to hear that you've gone through mental and emotional trauma as well. And my own experience, I found that the mental emotional abuse actually makes it harder for us to detach, which is a paradox. You would think it would make us want to run like the wind! But, it chips away at us so that we have no confidence to do so. It's truly Insidious. In my heart feels for you. I'm so sorry that you're going through that but, sounds like you are ready to Take the steps to heal as well. To detach and start the healing process. That's my need right now because the more I detach and the longer I'm detached, the healthier and stronger I feel. heal your heart, be good to yourself. No matter what they tell us, we deserve it.

[Mutt]

You’re right that you’re not to blame for her projection after all a r/s takes two people. I like how Skip articulates a r/s it’s like a tennis match between two people with thousands of transactions going back and forth.

I like how you and gemsforeyes point about control the only thing that we can control is the how we act / react to those transactions on our side of the court.

As you probably already know a pwBPD have dependency issues and depend on others to take care of things that they really should be doing in their own as an adult. If you help and repair with everything it takes away this experiences that are life lessons sometimes we have to fail in order to learn and to move forward.

Some pwBPD back themselves into a corner from their dysfunction and it’s at that point when they can’t get away with simply using maladaptive coping mechanisms that is the catalyst for them to get help for themselves. You’ve probably heard the term hitting your rock bottom and it’s hard to watch.

You can have compassion with boundaries my ex continues in her path of dysfunction because she has people that enable her so if I remove myself from that network of enablers then she should back herself into a corner sooner rather than later. A term that they used in the 90’s was tough love.

It sounds like you know exactly where you are in your healing path and it’s always a good thing to reach out and get feedback when you feel like you’re waffling. Hang in there.

[Harley Quinn]

As for me, my rescuing days are over.   I've released her to her own choices and their consequences.  I need to start making the ones that are healthy for me.

PianoDood this is a powerful statement.  It's great to see determination to do what is right for you.  Holding back the natural inclination to put others first is hard for us caretaker types.  Perhaps you ought to write it on a mirror in case your resolve is ever tested.  Although, with the steps you're taking it sounds like you'll hold up well if that day comes. 

How are you doing today?

Love and light x

[Keep]

PD,

I know this may sound simple and maybe a bit trite, but thanks so much for your posting here.

I am in the same EXACT position you are in, save having a 14 yr old son in the middle of it all.  All the cycling, emotional chaos, etc. you describe has been my world for 26 yrs of marriage.  My feelings echo yours almost completely.

My son loves his mom, even though I can see in him mounting anger and frustration at her emotional attacks against him and me.  I can't see a divorce quite yet... .but the day is approaching when both he and I will finally dismiss her from our lives... .the same decision you eventually came to. 

The pain is (and will continue to be) overwhelming at times... .but hearing you maintaining through it all has really helped me.  I know we are not alone, and that survival and hope is out there.

Thanks so much for your honesty.  You have helped a fellow human keep his head up and fight another day.

[PianoDood]

First, before I say anything else, let me tell you... .Mutt, Harley Quinn and Gemsforeyes... .just how much it means to me to know someone understands and can relate to what I'm dealing with.  For the average person, trying to make sense out of something that is so utterly nonsensical can drive a person mad, literally, and destroy their heart.  With that said, let me respond to Mutt and to Harley Quinn... .

I'm doing OK.  I'm functioning better.  I truly have resolved to break free this time.  Harley Quinn... .the idea of writing things on the mirror to remind me daily... .great idea... .already done that... .3M post-it-notes listing every single time in 12 years she "disappeared", abandoned or discarded on the bathroom mirror.  When I get lost in all of the wonderful things, which there were many, I have to remind myself why I cannot EVER allow that kind of control, damage and destruction again.  As I said, I am resolute.  I am working professionally and not only surviving after the financial crisis she left me in, but I'm thriving... .which helps.  Anything that builds self-confidence and self-esteem is a plus.  And now that I'm financially stable, I've even adopted a new companion, a brown tabby, 6 months old.  My uBPD wife took our cat with her when she left in January. 

I'm not going to lie.  I still have my moments when I think of the good things in the relationship.  But, even with a 75/25 percentage split, with 75% good and 25% not just bad, but horrifically damaging to me in more ways that I can express, 75% isn't good enough to make up for the damage.  What I've discovered is that my wife counted on me being afraid of her leaving me.  It was her trump card.  If all else failed when I set a boundary and wouldn't budge... .and she couldn't tap-dance her way out of it, she could always use the "why don't you just move out" or "I think it's time to end this" in order to gain control.  But, this last time, when I set a boundary I was not willing to budge a centimeter, I told her that I would rather live on the streets than to live with someone who didn't respect me, didn't love me genuinely and didn't want me in her life fully.  And, she literally almost made me pay for that statement, but thanks to people who care, she failed.  This may sound very strange for me to say, but my uBPD wife blames ME for her 23 year old son going to prison.  Even though it was HE who committed 6 20-year max felonies and it was HER who stood by and actually participated in the crimes whiles I WARNED HER THAT WHAT HE WAS DOING WAS PROBABLY ILLEGAL AND SHE SHOULDN'T BE GOING TO THE WESTERN UNION TO RECEIVE OR WIRE FUNDS FOR HIM... .yes, all of this is true... .somehow, beacuse 6 years ago, the FBI contacted me because they knew I was in a relationship with her... .I'm to blame for her son going to prison.  Honestly, that's one of the things that has made my healing faster.  I know this isn't about me.  Sure, she tried to make it sound like I had done something wrong, that I was to blame... .but, the reality is, I put down a firm boundary that I wasn't willing to compromise on because my wife was behaving in ways that made it impossible to trust her.  She took no ownership for it.  And used an argument that most healthy couples would have never had in the first place because they guard trust with each other... .and even if, by chance, they did have that same conflict, they could and would have resolved it within minutes.  But, she generated the conflict,, purposefully stonewalled for 2 days by taking no ownership (on purpose to escalate the conflict) and used it as her excuse to discard.  The real reasons for her month and a half long devaluation and discard were money and her 23 year old son going to prison, which she blames me for because the FBI called me 6 years ago about his activity.  And just so you understand, they've had him pegged for 6 years and he even had the chance to clear himself... .the FBI told him that they would not charge him if he testified against the person who ran the illegal operation.  He declined to do so, so the DOJ charged him with 6 major financial and raketeering felonies.  Yet, somehow, in my wife's mind, the FBI calling me 6 years ago is the reason her son is going to prison.  Because she can't stand thinking that other people will be judging her as a parent.  Because she can't stand to think that her "little prince" who she holds up as an example that she "must have done something right" when it comes to being a parent, is now going to federal prison.  It HAS TO BE SOMEONE ELSE'S fault.  And guess who got the blame?  Me.  And I'm explaining this so that you understand the timing of when she discarded.  Up until November, everything was going well.  On November 7th, her son was charged with 6 major felonies.  That's when the devaluation began.  It started off as just snide comments and emotional distancing but progressed to more overt name-calling and passive-agressive behavior...   But, when it became clear in mid-January that her son was not going to get off with just a slap on the wrist and he was most-likely going to prison, that's when she decided it was time to move back to her parent's house, put all of her time, money and resources into her 19 year old who is listless and isn't able to function as an adult and into her 23 year old son who is scheduled to be sentenced to federal prison in late April. The devaluation and discarding was just another repetition of her cycle.  And the manufactured argument over something she knew I would not tolerate, then escalating the conflict... .that was just her "show" she then used to justify her bail out and discard.  I completely understand her tactics.  Have seen her go through this countless times before.  I'm not a stupid man.  Far from it.  And, I'm not a "fat, ugly loser" either.  LOL.  I've lost 25lbs since she left in late January.  I'm nearing my normal, healthy weight.  I'm making excellent money doing a job I love now, a job I applied for 2 weeks before she left and was hired for 2 weeks after she left.  Whether or not people think I'm ugly, that's subjective.  LOL.  But, I don't think I'm bad looking at all.  :D.

So, yes, I still have my moments when the "good things" creep in.  I suppose that will always happen from time to time.  But, I'm resolute in my position.  Even if she called to say that she was seeing an army of therapists and was taking the best medication money could buy, I would not allow her to get even CLOSE to what I have been able to rebuild since she blamed me and walked out the door almost 2 months ago.  My heart may still love her, but I'm no longer in the Coast Guard.  With her, when I was bailing her out, everything was great.  But, as soon as she had to step up and cover for me for a period of a month or so while I was unemployed looking for work... .oh NO, NO, NO... .I'm a fat ugly loser and her family thinks she deserves better.  Yes, it's hard.  And yes, I still miss her sometimes.  Yes, I still think about the good things in the relationship.  But, my heart is catching up with my head, slowly, but surely.  And my head says, "Not on your life will you ever get close enough to anything in my life to screw it up again". 

That's where I am.  What I'm feeling today?  Grateful.  A little sad when things cross my mind temporarily, but I ride the pain wave until it passes and then refocus.  But, grateful.  And feeling healthier and more like myself EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. THAT. PASSES.

[PianoDood]

I'm not sure what happened.  I typed a long response in reply, but must have messed up somehow.  So, I will try again. 

First, let me say... .Mutt, Harley Quinn and Gemsforeyes... .thank you for sharing your own experiences and insight.  It's invaluable to me as I walk this ugly path.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

How am I feeling today?  When you asked that question 2 days ago on the 10th, I was deep in it.  March 10 was a fairly significant day for my uBPD wife.  It was the day her ex-boyfriend tried to kill her 12 years ago.  As I said, she was in a very abusive relationship with the man for 14 years, culminating in her almost being killed.  I cannot and have not tried to judge that relationship because I was not in it and did no participate in it.  However, I have heard enough from my wife to know that there were many of the same BPD issues at play in that relationship also.  Had to be.  The only difference between him and me is... .I'm not violent.  Have never lifted a finger against anyone in my life.  Would have never harmed my wife no matter what she did.  He, on the other hand, obviously was not that self-controlled.  I met my wife a month after he did that to her 12 years ago.  We met at a Toledo Mudhens game.  She was with some friends.  And yes, because of the beating she took from him, she still looked like she had been in a car wreck and barely survived.  It's how I struck up conversation with her when we, by chance, were at the VIP bar ordering drinks at the same time.  We ended up spending the whole game walking around and talking.  That's when the rescuing began. So, yes, the past few days have been a challenge for me, but I've persevered. 

As for how I'm feeling today?  I'm stronger.  This time is different.  I had already made up my mind before she left that if she discarded this time, I was done.  That's why I literally told her, "I would rather live on the streets than live with someone who doesn't respect me, doesn't love me and doesn't want me fully in her life".  She manufactured her little "show" argument, knowing that trampling my boundaries would generated a conflict.  Then, she spent 2 days not taking ownership of any of it, knowing it would escalate, even though I was trying to disengage to keep from being engulfed.  I understand the reasons she left weren't related to me.  I know she left because of financial reasons... .I was unemployed for a month.  And, God knows, as long as I was making good money and giving plenty to her, the relationship was great.  But, as soon as she had to step up and cover, which happens in a committed relationship, NO, NO, NO... .can't have any of that.  I was the guy her "whole family thinks you're a loser" and she said was a "fat, ugly loser".    So, I have the reality perspective.  She didn't leave because of some argument that happened that last weekend she was here... .an argument that would have never even happened in a balanced, healthy relationship... .and even if it did, a healthy couple would have resolved it within minutes.  No, that was just her "show" she used as her excuse to discard and bail out.  She left because of financial reasons... .and the fact that her 23 year old son is going to prison for crimes he committed 6 years ago right under her nose.  She needed to leave so she could focus all of her time, resources and energy on her listless 19 year old who has no high school diploma, no driver's license and no job... .sits in his room playing XBOX all day and night.  Literally... .and her 23 year old who is now going to prison.  But, NONE OF THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE HER FAULT, RIGHT?  She blames me for her son going to prison because the FBI called me about his activities  6 YEARS AGO.  6. Years. Ago.  Even though it was HE who committed the crimes right under her nose.  And it was SHE who couldn't be parent enough to force him to stop doing it EVEN THOUGH I WARNED HER REPEATEDLY THAT WHAT HE WAS DOING WAS PROBABLY ILLEGAL AND SHE SHOULDN'T BE GOING TO WESTERN UNION TO RECEIVE OR SEND FUNDS FOR HIM.  Literally, she involved herself in his crimes.  How she hasn't been charged is a total mystery to me.  On top of that, her son could have absolved himself from it all.  Last September, the FBI told him that they wouldn't charge him if he testified against the person who ran the crime network.  He declined.  So, in November, the DOJ charged him with 6 major felonies, including 2 counts of racketeering.  Yet, somehow, because the FBI was investigating him and they found out I was in a relationship with her and called me 6 years ago, it's MY FAULT he's going to prison. 

So, I totally understand that her departure had very little, if anything, to do with me and our relationship.  So, as a result, I have been able to make sense to the nonsensical fairly quickly. Yes, I still miss her sometimes.  The 80% of our relationship that was good was very good.  That seems to be the "catch" in BPD relationships.  But, even if she called and said she was seeing an army of therapists and was taking the best mood stabilizing drugs available, I would not let her get close to anything I've rebuilt since she left 2 months ago.  She was "punishing" me when she left.  She left at the same time her son decided to take a plea agreement for 18 months in prison.  I'm not dumb.  I know the score. 

I am now making an excellent living working a job that I submitted my resume for 2 weeks before she left and was hired for 2 weeks after she left.  I have adopted a new companion... .a 6 month old brown tabby... .the sweetest cat I've ever had... .she took our cat with her when she discarded.  I am building new friendships.  I've taken up hobbies that I had discarded during our relationship.  I'm trying to do everything I can to rebuild my self-confidence, self-respect and self-esteem.  I've lost 25lbs since the day she left and am now close to what I consider to be a healthy, acceptable weight.  This "fat, ugly loser" isn't fat, isn't ugly and obviously has NEVER BEEN a loser.  My resume includes Ford, GE, National Steel, Transamerica... .far from a "loser". 

Yes, I still miss her sometimes.  Yes, I still think about the "good things" in our relationship sometimes.  But, I've also posted a line of 3M post-it notes on the bathroom mirror that list every single time she "disappeared" on me or discarded me when I was giving my all to move forward with a life with her in the past 12 years.  I am resolute.  I will heal.  I will detach.  I will no longer accept enmeshment.  I will no longer catch toxic blame grenades.  And I will move forward with my life without her. 

When I told her "if you don't love me and you don't want me in your life, I can't change that", I was simply rejecting her blame and telling her that it was HER who made the choice to trample my boundaries, damage my trust.  It was HER who chose to leave.  I merely held firm on my boundaries to preserve my self-respect and dignity.  She chose the rest.  And yes, it is a powerful statement... .and an even more powerful act... .to finally release someone to her own choices and their consequences without allowing her to blame me for any of them.  I deserve to be happy.  I deserve someone who is going to treat me with respect and love me for who I am and not what I can do for her.  Want to hear something funny?  (Not really FUNNY, funny, but ironic).  She used to play this little game with me... ."why do you love me?".  My answers to her were always about her... .her personality, her heart, how she treated others, things about her that endeared her to my heart.  But, when I turned the tables and asked her?  Her answers, literally every single one, were about how I made her feel and what I did for her... .not one single thing about me as a person. 

I deserve better.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear PianoDood-
I am so heartened to hear that you're doing better.  It IS a step by step process.  And if you have a sad or difficult day, that's ok, write down your thoughts either here or in a private journal and make it through to the next day.  That's just how healing works.  And I'm glad you got yourself a kitten - unconditional love like that will help for certain!

Your BPD Wife has done some horrible things.  You are NOT to blame for any of them, and I'm glad you understand her failure and inability to take responsibility for her actions AND those of her son.  That is sadly so much a part of BPD.  So many times it's impossible to have constructive conversations and/or real relationships with pwBPD.  The truth seems absent.

I am still NC, but he doesn't know he's not coming back this time... .and I am afraid to tell him.  I don't know what level of rage that will provoke, but it could be huge and scary.  Like your wife, he has done so many unforgivable things that I have forgiven.  I believe that's OUR illness... .that's what WE need to understand and heal about ourselves.  But this act, this time, was so different and so deeply cruel, that I saw into his truly empty soul.  And I stopped loving him.  My switch was flipped.  Just like that.

My closest friend passed away suddenly.  She was my heart sister.  And my BPD BF's behavior was astonishing to me.  He would not let me grieve, and for the first time in 4.5 years, told me he was deeply depressed over his life.  So I had to comfort him.  Then he became enraged and screamed at me for the next 2 days.  I dropped my BPD "tool belt"... .just didn't have the will or the strength to support him, when I was so devastated.

He gave me his usual "I don't need this, I've NEVER seen anything like THIS!  He told me everyone hates me and no one wants to be around me.   He texted a few days later wanting to come over.  I said no.  Then he made a fatal error and wrote me an email.   It included an apology.  But I finally realized, his hateful words are still screaming in my head.  I can't hear his apologies anymore.   Part of the email included someone else's words.  I know how he speaks and writes.  Not only were his words wrong, they were a betrayal.  And that's when I knew I would finally, finally, put this man in my rear view mirror.

My friend, sometimes it just takes something we wouldn't expect to shake us up enough to look ourselves in the eyes and say, "wake up!"  And ask ourselves... ."is this the happiest I can be?"  And if the answer is "no", it IS time to leave IT, and all that pain behind.    I feel like my beloved heart sister has tapped me on the shoulder and Lifted me up.

I had tried so many times in so many ways to communicate to him that the things he did FOR me were NOTHING compared to the horrible things he did TO me.  He just would not understand for more than a month or so... .and it is killing me.

I want to have big, juicy, glorious, happy love!  But it sure as heck is NOT going to come from him!  He doesn't have it in him.  So why bother anymore?  That "prince" I first met doesn't exist.  The end.

Wishing you all the best with your healing journey.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Harley Quinn]

Hi PD,

Thanks for giving us more background.  It's wonderful to hear your progress since the breakup and the determination to do what is right for you now.  Glad you ran with the idea of putting things on the mirror    Maybe you could add some positive statements about yourself too?  Like mantras to keep up your positive energy as you heal and move forwards through the grief process. 

Also great news about the kitten!  I have 2 long haired fluffy monsters of my own who give me tons of love and are always vying for my attention.  Many a time I have to edit my responses here as the cats have gotten involved in typing them!  Making choices that bring joy into your life is so important as you work through the pain of losing someone you love.  It's OK to still love her and miss her, despite what happened.  Our feelings don't just shut off, as much as we might like them to sometimes.  Be patient and kind with yourself and accept whatever comes up.  If it's too uncomfortable to sit with alone, you can always post here and share the experience.  We're listening and know what it is like to go through this.  Gems also makes a good suggestion about writing in a journal. 

Have you taken a look at the Lessons (over to the right of the board as well)?  I found these really helpful to allow me to gauge my progress and think about what steps I might need to take to help myself through. 

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Gems,

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend    What you said about her tapping you on the shoulder is a beautiful thought.  My heart goes out to you for your loss.  I like to think my loved ones are still with me, tapping me on the shoulder and guiding me on my right path also.  Perhaps you might choose to start a thread here about your journey?

Love and light x

[Seenowayout]

Pianodood,

I'm following your story and offer you solidarity and wishes for strength. Been there, you are on a road to recovery and you can see you are not alone.

Gems!  Sincere sympathy for your loss, congrats on your epiphany, and I second HQ -- would love to see a thread.  You were so helpful to me in my journey friend. I'm thinking about you and sending support

[PianoDood]

I want to thank everyone for your words of encouragement and support. Yes, I have read through the lessons multiple times, and it reads like a script of what I'm going through. I even read through the lessons again this morning. If for no other reason, they help me understand what has happened, why I feel the way I do, and confirm for me that what I'm feeling is not Unusual, I'm not crazy, I'm not a weak person, and that I have issues I need to heal myself, things that caused me too attached to such a relationship.

Someone asked what I was doing to self help and self heal. I am in therapy, I go once a week with a very good therapist. I also have been me engaging in hobbies to keep my mind focused things that I enjoy. I have yet to try to socially Reach Out by going and doing things. At this point, I'm trying to let myself go through the process naturally and I just don't feel comfortable going and doing things by myself. One of the problems I have is I live in this town I'm in because I moved here for my wife. My family is on the other side of the state. I have relatively few social contacts and no close friends. So, everywhere I go and he thing I would do would simply remind me at this point of things my wife and I did as a couple. And I don't feel up to facing that yet. I get my social interaction from people at work, and I do have friends, people that actually have helped me, people who have gone through similar things. So I do have social interaction but it's through my employment. One of the hardest things for me to deal with is the absolute disbelief over the fact that I sacrificed so much, moved away from my own children, who are adults now, to be with her and I feel completely betrayed and abandoned in a city that is not my own. But, due to circumstances, financial and otherwise, I am somewhat stuck here. And I do feel alone much of the time. I have mentally and cognitively accepted what she has done, but it's taking a long time for my heart to catch up with my head, so to speak. Simply because it's so hard for me to understand how someone could do this to someone they said they loved. I don't know if that's called denial or not, because I do accept that she has done this and I have no choice but to heal myself and move forward and detach. But, I find myself feeling a lot of anger over the Betrayal and what I consider to be abandonment. if you've read my previous post, she literally left me in a situation where I could have been homeless in a short period of time had it not been for my intent search for employment which helped me land a very good position, thankfully. I'm doing my best to push through the pain, properly processed triggered thoughts and emotions, fighting hard against reaching out for things that numb the pain like alcohol or other quick fixes. I feel like I'm on the right course, it's just a very rocky road. And sometimes I feel like the road is surrounded by sheer Cliffs on both sides. I have that constant dull ache of what I label as pain and withdrawal in the pit of my stomach. sometimes it's more intense than others, but it's always present. I know this will get better over time as I build my self-esteem again. I know without a doubt that my relationship with my wife was extremely toxic for me and unhealthy. As a result, I'm sure for different reasons, it was unhealthy to her as well. I have accepted that this Detachment is a process and a journey, not something that you can turn on and off like a light switch. I understand it's going to take a long time to detach and even longer period of time to heal myself. I just wish I was a little farther along the process right now because these feelings of what I call addiction withdrawal, my diction to the bond and drama and Trauma... .It's very difficult to handle sometimes. So, I will try to laugh today, I will go To our job site and work today, I will take whatever baby steps I can take toward healing today. Because all I have right now is today with a focus on tomorrow. Words that my wife spoke at the discard this time hurt me very much. My experience was that because her actions so rarely matched her words of love, I found myself attaching to the words very strongly because it was what I wanted to believe. I didn't want to believe her actions were the truth. As a result, The Vicious, cruel words she spoke cut even that much deeper. That discard, she called me a fat, ugly loser. While I may have been carrying about 25 lb over what I consider to be my healthy weight, I was not and I'm not Ugly or loser. over the course of the past two months, due to depression and my resolution to counter and reject her words, I have lost that 25 lb and am now at my healthy weight. that was something I felt like I had to do to reject her words and restore a portion of my self-esteem. And, as soon as things get more financially stable for me, I plan to purchase some basic fitness equipment so that I can begin to make my body healthy as well with exercise. so, I do plan to start doing things that rebuild me, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I have also began to do regular Bible study. Something I had set aside during our relationship because she was not a believer, and I actually was very negative about my faith. She rarely made comments about Christians being fake. So, they may be baby steps, but I am taking steps to heal myself. Also, posting and reading and replying on this board helps a lot because it helps me to not feel so alone.