Loving Mom is exhausting and draining. I want to run away.

[guineap]

Hi!
I have been dealing with my mom's issues for over 3 decades. We staged a family intervention (insisting that she get on anti-depressants and see a therapist) because her behavior escalated to the point of no one being able to handle it. I did not know what she had, just that I couldn't care for her or deal with her anymore. A family therapist says that she has BPD, which makes so much sense to me after reading about it. She is steadily getting worse and I am struggling to know what to do. She says I am unloving, fake, and hurting her. I am trying to still be me - kind, asking about her day, trying to ask questions about why she is responding a certain way, trying to set boundaries (which she says are cruel and relationship destroying) such as asking her not to put me in the middle between her and her siblings and to talk to her therapist about her pain from other people and not constantly unload on me.

I physically, emotionally, and mentally cannot handle the pointed remarks, the rages, and the facial expressions when I just try to speak to her or when she decides she needs to tell me how much pain I am causing her. There are a lot of other family issues involved as well. I just don't know what my role is anymore and I feel like I've made it worse because I've allowed her to act like this to me for years. I would really like some advice on what I should do to try and still have a relationship with her. I am not even sure what a relationship with a mom is supposed to look like, because I feel like I've been the parent in the family for years.

I am trying to move out (I've been living with her for all of my life - for monetary reasons lately) but that is causing her to say I don't want a relationship with her. I am trying to go back to school for my Master's. This requires a lot of application and decisions which is taking up a lot of my time that is leftover after going to work and doing chores around the house.

I have much younger sisters that I have been forbidden from speaking to about other than to really just say hi unless she is in the room. She says she is going to move away, take them with her and not tell anyone where they are. Most of the siblings (that were still home) between me and them moved out after the intervention and the fallout (which involved her threatening us and then going to the psych ward at the hospital and telling them and us that she was doing what we'd asked because we said she was dangerous). She says that they are all evil (especially those who told her she couldn't keep talking to them in a certain way and won't tell her who they are living with due to her behavior).

Mom tells a lot of lies, which I can't tell if they are on purpose or due to her needing to format reality to fit her perceptions. She plays a victim in every area of her life, which is really hard to deal with because I know she is in pain, but I don't know what is really a problem and what she is making up. I feel sad because I feel that the relationship is totally dead and I cannot be emotional anywhere to really grieve what I perceive as a lifetime lost at this point. My friends are across the country and my dad and grandmother have serious personality issues as well.

I'm really struggling with all of it (including reverting to really bad eating habits that I'd been trying to break) and extreme exhaustion from dealing with it. I really am tired and drained from dealing with her and honestly want to run away. I do not know how to even try to have a healthy relationship with her or if it is even possible.  I feel mostly broken inside and unable to handle what feels like a physical assault when she does her verbal onslaught. The therapist suggested reaching out online, because there are no real support groups in my area. I really appreciate you just listening.

Thanks.

[heartandwhole]

Hi guineap,



Welcome to the community. I'm sorry that you are feeling so drained from dealing with your mom. I can fully understand your feelings. At some point, we just can't be the "target" anymore.  

You did the right thing reaching out. Online support groups can be of real help in these kinds of situations, and you've found a community that understands what you are going through.

It sounds like you've shifted your communication style and set some boundaries. Do I have that right? If so, it doesn't surprise me that your mom has reacted by increasing blame and conflictual behavior. That often happens when we change our behavior, especially when its purpose is self-care.

You mentioned a family therapist. Do you also have your own therapist who is supporting you right now? I found that very helpful, especially with seeing things in a new light. As you mention in your post, when we are deep in it, so many things can be minimized, missed, or overblown. An objective, experienced voice can help a lot.

Keep posting. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Mutt]

Hi guineap,



I’d like to join heartandwhole and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this  Your busy taking your masters you must have a lot of stress from school and you’re dealing with someone with a very difficult personality type. You’re not alone.

It sounds like you've shifted your communication style and set some boundaries. Do I have that right? If so, it doesn't surprise me that your mom has reacted by increasing blame and conflictual behavior. That often happens when we change our behavior, especially when it's purpose is self-care

A lot of us had no boundaries or we had what’s called floating boundaries and when we start setting boundaries it’s going to cause some lashing out because it’s not behaviour that the other party is used to. The good news is that it dies down and eventually dissipates when we constantly reinforce these boundaries for a set amount of time. Now the bad news is it’s taking it’s toll on you right now. My suggestion is think about the time frame when you’re going to leave and implement yoyr boundaries after you’ve left so that it’s easier on you.

Also learn as much as you can about BPD your mom sounds like a borderline waif and she’s throwing up a lot of fear from FOG.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

[guineap]

Thank you,

I am trying to set boundaries. She does not adhere to them and I have to physically walk away from her a lot. The family therapist is seeing me by myself and trying to help me come up with good strategies for communicating with her. Yes, lashing out is a big issue and I am seeing a pattern with it. I am struggling with time issues and money while trying to move out. I am trying to learn too about the condition, but it is hard because I only have limited time and places I can work on that.

My biggest problem right now is that, even if I do all the things the therapist said in a lash out episode, I feel like I've been in a physical attack and it leaves me exhausted for the rest of my day. I have so much I am trying to get done and I am not getting to a lot of it due to these episodes. I do not really have a lot of places or time where I can go to get my stuff done (some of which is trying to pack up my stuff at home).

I really appreciate the welcome. My friends are all on the opposite side of the country and a lot of people locally see a different side of my mom so they think I am making things up if I say anything at all (which I try not too). I am really afraid of acting like her (or my father who has other personality disorders) and I want to make sure I have good coping mechanisms which I know I do not have at the moment (like stress & emotional eating, not sleeping, and stress shopping). Any suggestions would be most welcome.

I am trying to physically move out and quite a ways away. My biggest fear is my mom said she was going to move with me and rent me a room while I am at school and I really dread having to have another conversation with her where I tell her that I need my own place. Finding a job and funding is key to being able to do this move and that is a struggle right now too.

Thank you all!

[heartandwhole]

The family therapist is seeing me by myself and trying to help me come up with good strategies for communicating with her.

What kind of communication techniques are you learning, guineap?

I ask because we also have a lot of information on them here on the site.

It takes time, effort, and patience to change behavior dynamics. I hope you are being gentle with yourself.    

Can you break down your goals into smaller steps, so as not to feel overwhelmed with all that you need to get done to reach your goal?

Keep posting. We'll walk with you through this.

heartandwhole

[Merike65]

Hi guineap and welcome.

What you are going through is painfully familiar to me. My mother also creates her own reality; that's a really common BPD trait. It sounds like you are really thoughtful about what is a very difficult situation.

The only thing I have to add to the excellent advice given so far is that in my experience the best tool for stress relief is to keep sharing your experiences here and elsewhere. I've found that that's the best way to combat the huge amount of stress having a BPD loved one generates.

All the best,

Merike65

[guineap]

My communication techniques are to restate back what she is saying and question what we are talking about when she turns it into being about her. I am also practicing not emotionally responding at all.  The therapist has also suggested being out of the house more (leaving for work earlier and just hanging out somewhere and reading, going on walks away from the house, and locking my bedroom door when necessary).

So far, no major episode this week with me, but I picked up extra shifts this week, so I expect something soon. Also, I heard she has had several episodes with other family members.

I don't really know how to break down my goals or even really what my relationship goals should be with her at this point. Any suggestions?

I am trying to self-care (which is a big weakness for me). I have a lot going on and trying to prioritize and keep moving forward for myself. I am not sure the best route for anything at the moment and a lot of it is dependant on finances and time. I would love some ideas on how to manage all of it... .feel like I should be able to sort through all of it and find a solution that solves all my needs and lets me help others but I am not currently being able to do this.

I have a lot of trepidation with her current calm and friendliness of the week especially since our last "discussion" resulted in her calling me selfish for telling her I needed time to heal before trying to help her again.

I really appreciate you all taking the time to reach out. I am not sure that I can respond in kind yet, but I would like to someday.

[heartandwhole]

I don't really know how to break down my goals or even really what my relationship goals should be with her at this point. Any suggestions?

I was talking about your overall goals, such as finding a place to live, but I think you can definitely break down your goals for the relationship, as soon as you get clear on what they are.

I suggest starting with you first. We can start with the simple question, “What would you like to happen?” and go from there. 

Hang in there. I know this is hard and effecting change can feel overwhelming. You can take small, even tiny, steps. Things can get better for you. 

heartandwhole

[onlyme]

I also have a mom with undiagnosed BPD.  I am 53 and she is 72 and I have been dealing with it for most of my life.  Only in the last few years did I really realize what it maybe was.  We just all got used to Keeping mom happy, and tiptoeing around her moods.  She is a great person when she is not set off and she did really try to be a good mom, we know she loves us, it is just that often times her reactions are self-centered and she is always afraid of being abandoned.  Since I was old enough to remember, she always said I was her best friend and she would often talk to me about things that I really should not have had to handle as her daughter. It was often as if I was the parent and she the child. Most times, I found it easier to give up what I wanted in order to keep her happy.  It was not until I became a mother myself that I realized that the way she would put guilt trips on me is not what a mother really does. She always told me that I should not be selfish, yet often times that is how she behaves.  She will provoke people with passive aggressive comments, and when they finally break, and defend themselves, she gets extremely upset and becomes the victim and tells you she cannot believe how cruel you are.  I am a very patient person, who almost always puts myself last, but she still pulls this with me.  The older I get, the less patient I am with it, however, as I try to be a good daughter, but there are other relationships in my life, and feel like she should want me to be happy.  That is what I want for my children.  Holidays are difficult, because it is like it is never good enough.  Either we do not pay enough attention to her, or do not include her enough, and she almost always has some physical ailment that requires special arrangements just for her.  I am protective of her behavior and our family tries to keep it a secret.  To most people on the outside she is very loveable and fun.  She makes friends quite easily but does keep them indefinitely.  I could go on, but this has helped me for now. Just had a rough time with her.  Brought her groceries as she had a cold and then she started in on me about something.  She says I tell her what to do, always defend my husband and kids, and never listen to her.  She has always said "You don't even know me"  although I really do.  She never takes responsibility for hurting anyone else, but is always the  one upset if anyone else says anything.  She is very smart and often times gets the best of me.