Ex wBPD contacts me out of the blue a year after I broke up with her

[Patusito]

Hi all

My ex girlfriend has contacted me out of the blue exactly one year after
I broke up with her over text. I had a hard time coping on my own.

She has written to me that she thinks about me all the time and she wants to see me again. She added that I’m a good human being and and and.

I wrote her back that I want to see her again. Of course I wanted revenge and a week later I sent her a message that I changed my mind and that we will never see each other again and she should accept that. I feel really bad to have flip flopped and given her conflicting messages. Everything has come back to me and I feel the progress is a bit stunted now.

I just wanted to vent this here and any feedback would be much appreciated!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Patusito,

We've not seen you for a while.  Glad to see you back.  I'd be interested to know how you've been doing in your healing over the last year.  What steps did you take?

What was your initial feeling when she contacted you?  I'm also wondering if you'd do anything differently in hindsight. 

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi Patusito,

Do you mean that you feel guilty? It’s okay to change your mind. How did she react?

[Speck]

Hello, Patusito.

We're really glad you're here. What kind of feedback are you interested in receiving?

Breakups are hard gauntlets to trundle through. I imagine that I will still be processing mine in one years time as well.

I know you are feeling low about giving your ex mixed messages, but are you also saying that you are ultimately relieved that you reversed yourself by telling your ex that you'd rather not see her again, but that the whole ordeal has brought up some conflicting feelings you'd like to process?

If so, you have the floor, and this is certainly the place.

We understand.

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so and feel free to let it all hang out.


-Speck

[Patusito]

Hi all

Thank you so much for your replies. This board was crucial for me to make sense of madness in a way. This year since the breakup was a period of feeling void and lost. I have learned a lot since then what BPD really is to me.
Her mail was quite revealing and for anyone who receives any messages after a long period of NC please beware. I knew she will contact me some day and I was prepared to read whatever she writes and translate it into the opposite. That was key to me. The only reason she would contact me , after I brutally send her to hell over text is to see whether she still has any control. As you can imagine, the gradual damage she has inflicted over the years were profound and I still hate her for it, which is fine for me. Whatever a pwBPD writes, just take the opposite meaning of the words to make sense all these lies. I then wrote her that yes I would like to meet to which she immediately responded with gratitude. 4 days later I told her to leave me alone for the rest of my days. I never thought how hard that process is to basically imagine that you just buried her for yourself.
I feel very confused. I have so many questions that come up now. What is going through her mind. Is she capable of missing me? Does she want me as an orbiter or a pet? How is she coping? Is it easier for her or not ? Will she try again to initiate contact ? I imagine I must have nuked her ego. Any insights from any of you would be greatly appreciated. Also feel free to ask anything!

[juju2]

Hi

You are open and honest.

What it looks like to me, is that maybe you are not aware of your real truth regarding this person.

I let the disease of his BPD slant my thinking.
As a person in a r/s w someone w BPD, we have to be aware of our attitude, aware of what we believe.
Can i see the person i fell in love with, or do I just see their illness?

There is so much that is up to me.

I do not have to be at the mercy of someone who has this disorder.

It takes me being strong, clear about what I see in this person, it takes me doing self care, so I don't sink in the middle of all of this.

Read here, share, hope.  Hope is present here.  Support is here.

j

[Patusito]

Dear j
What a deep reply you just left! Thank you! Yes that got me thinking that I don’t see her as a human being anymore but a monster. I am well aware as you say that my mind has been hijacked and brainwashed which she was a master at it. I feel like I was conned by an artist who tortured me purely for pleasure. You wouldn’t believe the psychological weapons she had in her arsenal. Carefully prepared pics with self inflicted wounds and blood. Really sad pictures of her crying etc... I realize that I’m still hurt, deeply, but I will never see her again which is a powerful feeling that at least I have my frame back and that can’t be changed and I’m genuinely terrified by her!
What was your experience if you don’t mind me asking ?

[gotbushels]

Hi Patusito   

Thank you for your sharing.

I wrote her back that I want to see her again. Of course I wanted revenge and a week later I sent her a message that I changed my mind and that we will never see each other again and she should accept that.

It seems you were tempted to hurt someone who has hurt you before. Revenge is something that can come from the anger you feel. I don't have a yes no opinion about what you did--but I suggest to you that it's not the only way you can deal with when you feel strong anger at people.

I feel really bad to have flip flopped and given her conflicting messages.

Yes, when you do a deliberate revenge act to hurt someone, of course you'd feel some level of unease or regret.

Everything has come back to me and I feel the progress is a bit stunted now.

Sometimes, when we go against what we think is against our own values, we'll feel like we've undermined ourselves. That feeling is similar to getting one's progress stunted I think.

I think you might consider that after what's happened--it seems you're feeling a much greater sense of disorientation now.

I feel very confused. I have so many questions that come up now. ... .? ... .? ... .? ... .? ... .?

I hope you find peace.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Patusito, I'm wondering how you are feeling in the aftermath of this "bait and switch" episode?  When you replied that you wanted to see her again, were you being sincere?  If so, what caused you to change your mind?  If not, were you setting her up so you could do something vindictive?  The problem with revenge, in my view, is that it hurts both parties and suggests that you are still emotionally invested, whereas the goal is detachment.  Maybe you have more work to do in terms of processing your feelings?  That would seem like the place to start.

LuckyJim

[heartandwhole]

The problem with revenge, in my view, is that it hurts both parties and suggests that you are still emotionally invested, whereas the goal is detachment.  Maybe you have more work to do in terms of processing your feelings?  That would seem like the place to start.

I’m with Lucky Jim.  

Hi Patusito,

After all you’ve been through, I can understand feelings of revenge. Many of us experienced that kind of anger after our breakups.

It seems that it didn’t feel as satisfying as you expected, though? If that’s true, I suspect it may be because that is not who you are deep down. What do you think?

It took me nearly a year to start feeling myself again, and more than a year to feel that I was recovered. Everyone is unique, but know that things can continue to get better.

What do you think needs the most attention in you right now since this incident?

heartandwhole

[Speck]

Hello again, Patusito!

It's great to get an update from you. I did want to reply to some of your points/questions:

Her mail was quite revealing and for anyone who receives any messages after a long period of NC please beware. I knew she will contact me some day and I was prepared to read whatever she writes and translate it into the opposite. That was key to me. Whatever a pwBPD writes, just take the opposite meaning of the words to make sense all these lies.

This seems like a really helpful way to discern post-NC messages from someone who cannot regulate emotions very well. It also serves as self-protection for you if you are desiring to stay on a detached path with someone who has proven to not have your best interests at heart.

The only reason she would contact me after I brutally send her to hell over text is to see whether she still has any control.

Yes, in my experience, no matter how disastrously relationships end, persons suffering from personality disorders do have a knack for "checking the weather" of those they left behind just to see if their victims are still under their sphere of influence. It's sick and twisted behavior and can cause another round of anguish and confusion to begin anew.

I then wrote her that yes I would like to meet to which she immediately responded with gratitude.

I'd like to echo Lucky Jim, here, and ask if you were you being sincere when you told her yes?

4 days later I told her to leave me alone for the rest of my days.

With the passage of four days time, did you just simply change your mind, or was this a premeditated move on your part?

What is going through her mind. Is she capable of missing me?

I imagine that your ex is certainly capable of feeling all the emotions that everyone can.  It's just that pwBPD cycle through their emotions a lot quicker than everyone else, or rather, that their emotions are more fleeting than the emotions of Nons.

Does she want me as an orbiter or a pet?

It's possible. There's no way to know without directly asking her, and the emotional cost of doing so is most likely not worth the effort.

How is she coping? Is it easier for her or not? Will she try again to initiate contact?

It sounds like her contacting you again after a year of NC has sure got you asking a lot of curious questions. And unfortunately, these are the sort of questions that are unknowable to us, to you, or most likely to even your ex. I'm sorry.

I imagine I must have nuked her ego. Also feel free to ask anything!

How do you feel about nuking her ego?


It is so hard to extinguish the anguish of dealing with the aftermath of a relationship with someone who is toxic to us. There's so much to process, and, at times, it may feel like a little bit of us dies along the way. It sounds like you've had a really hard time. I wish for you peace and clarity as you continue on your journey.


-Speck

[truthbeknown]

I fight myself on this everyday. I personally don't think that my ex will ever contact me again unless i lived close by her.  I do have that advantage.  But sometimes i secretly hope that she would and it's not for revenge but in some distorted way maybe i want to believe that hearing her say that she made a mistake would at least let me feel like i had value to her.  I guess i still wish that i had value to her and even though i wouldn't want to get into a relationship with her again because she is my kryptonite i secretly wish to hear that she wants me or has learned something from ruining our r/s.  Is that wrong of me?  i don't know- but for me i went no contact so that i wouldn't say anything hurtful to her.  I love her more then i should and that's why she is my kryptonite.  She's like a little lost kid in a woman's body and i wished that i had been enough for her but i wasn't. 

I am torn on this topic as i had one r/s with someone who was sexually abused and a commitment phobe before and she broke up with me and has never looked back.  She was very cold to me in the breakup. 

This one (i found out) was already with someone else and i've been told she might be more naricissistic ?

I think she is similar to the gf that was sexually abused.  I don't think she'll contact me but i'm torn on whether i secretly want her to or not.  It's so strange. 

I grew up in a family with a narcissistic mom and borderline dad who cut contacts with family for 20 years.   I grew up learning to be the empathic one and the peacekeeper so i have a hard time with not having her in my life even though she was/is toxic

[Patusito]

Dear all,

If it’s alright for you I try to give you some insights that I want to share with you thanks to all of your feedback and questions. Let me to you unfiltered what is running through my mind and feelings.
I will try to put in words what could have been set off by her contacting me again in such a sweet way, basically trying to put me on a massive pedestal.
Of course there is a lot of pent up anger in me that needs to be processed. I don’t think it’s wrong but a “normal” and healthy response. Anger is a crucial phase and I think acting out is a way to release it. Yes my first emotional response was shock when I saw her mail as I thought I’m over the trauma. I am not.
I had a terrible but fruitful time in that year of NC. I thought about her every day as she was the focus of my life for 3 years. In order to do that i developed a drinking problem thats hasn’t subsided. I am fighting on my own now.
However I have dived into manosphere of self development books and forums. In a years time, I read countless books and other stuff. Anyone interested I’m glad to share.That was eye opening! Its a powerful tool that I have received, ironically, thanks to her. I am well aware now what enslavement or cuckoldry means in my own way. That’s what im trying to rationalize to myself. I have the opportunity to understand why I attracted her in the first place and what kind of conditioning I have received since birth from the society I lived in. I was trained to be a ignorant knight in shining armor for women who don’t care about me at all. She is not the first BPD I had a relation with. Honestly, I don’t want to offend any women, it’s unbelievable how many damaged women I met in my life span.
Truthfully , I’m very tired. I’m in my 40’s now and I have mostly only known misery in my relationships. I’m a tired dog and I dodged quite a few bullets with crazies. I used to be a vibrant guy.

I got a fight left in me and that’s to move forward with me and no one else. I am making leaps and bounds helping boys in school especially.

When I replied to her,  I had the utmost urge to see her her in a sexual context that I wanted to set up. We had amazing sex at that time and I also figured that’s what she is going to use with me as bait again. That’s what I wrote to her. “Let’s book a room and we can do whatever we like”. She responded st like: oh yeah but  let’s have a coffee first, you are a handsome man and I don’t know if that’s a good idea”

When I received her response I realized 4 things:
1. I loved the sex with her and I miss the mind blowing experience even if she is the devil.
2. She didn’t respond with a flat no, she wants to bait me.
3. She is eager to have me back in her life for whatever reason.
4. I want revenge. Now I can make that bubble in her mind pop and reject her in the strongest way possible.

On the one hand, with everything I learned in a year, I have a deeper understanding on BPD behavior and my own addiction to it.
It’s basically all deception and lies and these poor individuals hunt for guys like me like a Cheetah a Antilope. I don’t consider them human, some of them are anti humans. Apologies if I offend anyone.
I see myself a “good” guy with strong frame and principles but I know i am weak at the same time emotionally. That is my achilles heel.

I’m not proud that I wanted revenge but I deserve it after everything I went through. It was my last act for now. It’s only human to do so even though it’s pointless. I have proven to myself that I have the control now and that shuts the door on anything that can hurt me.

If she would write to me again, which I doubt after my last mail, I will tell her that thanks to her I can better protect myself from the evils in this world and walk away for good.

Thank you for your feedback and comments. To be honest I’m  state of confusion and I don’t know what would help except that in time it will be always different and somehow better

[Patusito]

Dear truthbeknown

Thank you very much for sharing your story. That means a lot me.
If I may I want to give you some feedback. Whatever hurtful you have  experienced has nothing to do with you when it comes to who you are as a person. My best guess is that you are a really good friend and upright person who has a kind heart. Please take care of yourself and don’t forget who you are. You know best in your own reality!
Whatever you shared with her wasn’t what you hoped for, it was very real for you but not for her. I’m so sorry buddy. She has no idea what empathy and love is. How can she ? She is still an abused toddler.  Have pity on her and take it as a wake up call that you have to strive for your best. You were really unlucky to have all these circumstances but that makes you very powerful for a good purpose, so in a twisted way you have an opportunity to empower yourself. Just do what you like to do. Stay away from serious  relationships for a while and stay strong. I a year from now you wouldn’t believe how far you can go even if you do a little good for yourself

[Patusito]

I’m with Lucky Jim.  

Hi Patusito,

After all you’ve been through, I can understand feelings of revenge. Many of us experienced that kind of anger after our breakups.

It seems that it didn’t feel as satisfying as you expected, though? If that’s true, I suspect it may be because that is not who you are deep down. What do you think?

It took me nearly a year to start feeling myself again, and more than a year to feel that I was recovered. Everyone is unique, but know that things can continue to get better.

What do you think needs the most attention in you right now since this incident?

heartandwhole

Dear Lucky Jim

Thanks for your attention. By the way, great name you have. I am lucky too!
Revenge for me is a healthy normal response. It’s not an optimal solution but I believe our biological destiny has given us this option for a reason. Coping is difficult when you face trauma. So in my reality it’s alright to want revenge. Well, nothing is satisfying after being with a BPD female but I have a taste of satisfaction that the table has turned in my favor. I will willingly never see her again and that’s what I wrote to her. After everything I have experienced with her I can only say that I faced pure evil. When you invested emotionally with a person who wants to destroy you deliberately you might relate what  goes through my mind. I just want to make sense of it and I am making progress. I am not myself again but that’s alright. She has actually helped me to be smarter in every aspect in my life. I thank the universe for it. Take your time. You are not in a rush. You are wiser now for sure then a year ago, right ?

[Speck]

Hello again, Patusito:

It's great to hear an update from you.

I’m not proud that I wanted revenge but I deserve it after everything I went through. It was my last act for now. It’s only human to do so even though it’s pointless. I have proven to myself that I have the control now and that shuts the door on anything that can hurt me.

If she would write to me again, which I doubt after my last mail, I will tell her that thanks to her I can better protect myself from the evils in this world and walk away for good.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I can totally understand why you would feel the way you do. Sometimes, it's completely in the realm of all that is sane to close the door on toxic people in the manner in which you did. It certainly sounds like you have prevented yourself from ever being hurt again by your ex. And that, sir, takes courage.

Keep writing if it helps!


-Speck

[MyBPD_friend]

4. I want revenge. Now I can make that bubble in her mind pop and reject her in the strongest way possible.

I’m not proud that I wanted revenge but I deserve it after everything I went through. It was my last act for now. It’s only human to do so even though it’s pointless. I have proven to myself that I have the control now and that shuts the door on anything that can hurt me.

Hi Patusito,

Eyeryone here has different but still simular ways and strategies to cope with a BPD partner or friend.

As much as I understand the urge or need to take revenge, I think revenge is never a good advise for anything. I couldn't take revenge.
Keep us updated

[truthbeknown]

Dear truthbeknown

Thank you very much for sharing your story. That means a lot me.
If I may I want to give you some feedback. Whatever hurtful you have  experienced has nothing to do with you when it comes to who you are as a person. My best guess is that you are a really good friend and upright person who has a kind heart. Please take care of yourself and don’t forget who you are. You know best in your own reality!
Whatever you shared with her wasn’t what you hoped for, it was very real for you but not for her. I’m so sorry buddy. She has no idea what empathy and love is. How can she ? She is still an abused toddler.  Have pity on her and take it as a wake up call that you have to strive for your best. You were really unlucky to have all these circumstances but that makes you very powerful for a good purpose, so in a twisted way you have an opportunity to empower yourself. Just do what you like to do. Stay away from serious  relationships for a while and stay strong. I a year from now you wouldn’t believe how far you can go even if you do a little good for yourself

Update for me Patusito:  yesterday one of her friends posted pics of her and her new bf at a party that i wasn't invited to.  I had just chatted with the friend the night before.  I knew she would probably tell my ex that i was back in town and figured that if she was still with the new guy i wouldn't hear from her and that if she wasn't then she would probably try to charm me.   The former took place with one exception.  Somehow whatever she said to the common friend inspired that friend to post pics even after i was telling her that I was sad that we couldn't double date because we're not together.  It just proved to me that i was painted black by my ex.  But it also inspired me to finally unfriend my ex.  I had been reluctant to- thinking that it was a form of abandoning her from my life.  But seeing the pic showed me that it was in fact me who was abandoned or "us" in terms of relationship.   If this were not a borderline relationship then my reacting to pics would seem inappropriate.  But it was a necessary boundary for me to protect my heart.  We are both free now.  She is free to post away (but she won't because she never posted pics of me and her) but i imagine she will save the dirty work for her mutual friend/s which is why i unfriended the one who posted and the other clan members or "flying monkeys" that she has doing her dirty work.  So for me it wasn't revenge but safety.  maybe a no contact for you rather then taking on her projection is the way to go?  I think when we start doing what they would do to us then they really win- just a thought.  I remember a woman saying to me after i talked about being cheated on- "well now men know how it feels."  My reply was something to the effect: Now some women are becoming that which they had disdain for- or that they are becoming the "fire by which they were burned".    I think taking the "high road" is the loneliest road and place to be but i'd rather be lonely then like them.

I had a rough year last year too.  And you are not alone.  Maybe some of us are targets I heard someone say "the honey always attracts the flies or insects".   Seems like a problem for those of us made of that nature but there has to be a way to put the lid on our honey and only offer it to someone with good tea? just my metaphorical thinking.  

[juju2]

Hi P

Sorry for so long to get back to you.

How long were you together.

We were together 10 yrs, apart now 1 yr, not really, because when he moved out, within one month we were seeing eachother.  He is high functioning pwBPD.  You can read my posts... .

Basically, I am co dependent, which i found out big time after we separated
  I did work on myself, mostly al anon.
Lost weight, 50 lbs so far, working the 12 steps, am taking 2 classes after work, 3 x wk, am volunteering.
In October last yr, we stopped seeing eachother, he said he was dating others.  I tanked big time.
All i wanted to do when he left was drink and sleep.
I had to go to my job.  I had 3 things that i was doing.job, sleep, drink.or job, drink, sleep I should say.

End of nov. The T we wanted to go to (before BPD started dating others)  we couldn't get in right away to our T, she was booked up.  We went to first appt end nov.  We saw her every 2 wks, now every 3 wks.  She said at the beginning start SLOW.

She has us mtg once a wk for coffee at Starbucks,
Or anywhere, not at our homes.  She said we nvr had a foundation of friendship, we nvr had a building block from which we could solve problems, communicate.  (She is familiar w BPD, she has 2 people in her family w this.)

A lot can change in 1 year.  You can change.

Anyone can.

Get quiet.  Get in touch w what you want for yourself and your life.  If it was me, what I finally saw was a beautiful man, who I love greatly, who I nvr understood.  I got hooked by his illness, I nvr learned about it until we separated.

When I can get to my true mind, the mind that isn't hijacked, after I am quiet, not talking to my circle that wants to put him down, they just want me "Happy"  and they don't get to tell me what I want for myself and my life...

It took a lot of time and it took me changing.
I don't know what the future holds for me or for my r/s.  Or for any one.

You are worth taking the time, you are worth doing the work, and it sounds like you are doing work.

peace, blessings,
j

[gotbushels]

Hi Patusito  

Interesting development for you here.  

We're here to help each other so I'd like to share a few ideas with you.



Perhaps others can chime in here.   Recall the idea of "normal" is ultimately based on opinion from the observer. From my non-practitioner background, field workers will gain an idea of what this actually is, it's not codified. This allows the idea of what's normal to be adjusted according to real world evidence. It also gives permission to the individual to decide what standards are normal for themselves.



I mean this simply and in a mellow way. I strongly advise you to disambiguate revenge from indignation.

Yes, indignation is a feelings that tends to happen when people do crumby things to us. The more horrible we perceive the action, the more anger we may feel. So in this way, you are so right.

Revenge is an action that may follow indignation.

One doesn't always follow the other.

Of course there is a lot of pent up anger in me that needs to be processed.

Ok.

I don’t think it’s wrong but a “normal” and healthy response.

Ok.

Anger is a crucial phase and ... .

Ok.

... .I think acting out is a way to release it.

Yes, indeed that is one way.

Revenge for me is a healthy normal response.

Yes, that's possible. It makes sense. To move in a certain manner toward revenge may be your normal response. Nothing wrong with that.

To support what heartandwhole said, wanting to have revenge is understandable. That doesn't automatically mean you want to do it. It's a choice. It might not feel obvious to you, because blinding by rage is the easiest way to lose your eyes--and that seemed to be where you were at recently. When dust has settled, it's still a choice.



Anyway, the decision to pursue revenge is yours. So I'm going to provide some ideas to help you choose for yourself.

When you vent your anger, you don't fix the cause.

... .I try so hard but I can't control my rage. For the first time with violence, I smash my fist into the window. I walk out before I start destroying things so I can calm down ... .

I felt better, but the fix was only momentary. The things she did driving my anger kept happening.

When you vent your anger, you just get tired.

Truthfully , I’m very tired. I’m in my 40’s now and I have mostly only known misery in my relationships. I’m a tired dog and I dodged quite a few bullets with crazies. I used to be a vibrant guy.

Me too, I used to be vibrant. To lose that quality makes life suck quite a lot. Even if you don't fix the anger issues, at least you'll have more energy to figure out how to get more of what you do want.

I hope you find peace.