Who am I now?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello all, I have broken up with my BPDex 6 months ago, she left me saying that she no longer loved me and that I am nothing but negativity, that I am dead to her and that I am a liar and everything that came out of my mouth is bull___. In the last 6 months I have been depressed, suicidal, and insulted by my friends who turned on me as she showed her sweetest side to everyone and made me look crazy. None believed me. My family turned their back on me too.

Today I find myself not trusting anyone, unable to trust anyone, and fail at any attempt to retrusting. I am no longer suicidal, yet find hanging out with people exhausting and feeling like none of them genuinely wants to be my friend. I now feel paranoid to anyone too close to me, feeling like they only want to use me. What doesnt help is that their actions keep showing and proving that belief is right. I try not to, but I see my ex in everyone. Anything they do connects to my ex because it would be something my ex does too, eg. loving gore, joking with people saying "I am going to kill you in your sleep". I also cant find any motivation in continuing any nterest. I feel pathetic and I feel like I am a great loser that my ex claims me to be. I almost start to suspect that I am getting mental illnesses too. Am I? I dont know who I am anymore. I cant feel happiness and today my ex officially moved to another state with replacement and I felt NOTHING. I am scared. I dont know who I am anymore. Am I really going crazy? I lost who I am and it seems I am developing a void too... ? I dont think this is normal post break up with a BPD is it? Any insight is appreciated.

[Secondhand ploy]

Hello all, I have broken up with my BPDex 6 months ago, she left me saying that she no longer loved me and that I am nothing but negativity, that I am dead to her and that I am a liar and everything that came out of my mouth is bull___. In the last 6 months I have been depressed, suicidal, and insulted by my friends who turned on me as she showed her sweetest side to everyone and made me look crazy. None believed me. My family turned their back on me too.

Today I find myself not trusting anyone, unable to trust anyone, and fail at any attempt to retrusting. I am no longer suicidal, yet find hanging out with people exhausting and feeling like none of them genuinely wants to be my friend. I now feel paranoid to anyone too close to me, feeling like they only want to use me. What doesnt help is that their actions keep showing and proving that belief is right. I try not to, but I see my ex in everyone. Anything they do connects to my ex because it would be something my ex does too, eg. loving gore, joking with people saying "I am going to kill you in your sleep". I also cant find any motivation in continuing any nterest. I feel pathetic and I feel like I am a great loser that my ex claims me to be. I almost start to suspect that I am getting mental illnesses too. Am I? I dont know who I am anymore. I cant feel happiness and today my ex officially moved to another state with replacement and I felt NOTHING. I am scared. I dont know who I am anymore. Am I really going crazy? I lost who I am and it seems I am developing a void too... ? I dont think this is normal post break up with a BPD is it? Any insight is appreciated.

[juju2]

Hang in there

Things get better.

I would suggest self care, anything that is healthy, that you enjoy.

Keep coming back here, read what people share.  You are not alone.

People care

j

[wellwellwell]

Welcome. I'm so sorry to hear how you feel. Every single thing you've written could have been taken directly from my experiences in the last two years (after an abrupt divorce from an unBPD who needed constant but unacknowledged care and support for twelve years of marriage).

'Normal' isn't really a word that applies to breakups with BPD. That's what makes it more difficult to find people who understand. People who haven't experienced this instinctively rationalize what they hear. I have found that the openness and careful insight shared here has helped me slowly trust my own judgment. In the end, the validation had to come from me. Slowly it did.

My family turned their backs, too. I explained that my ex had been abusive, and I need to ask them to break off contact. They didn't even reply. This sounds like they're appalling people, and they're not. They're just not the family I'd pretended they were while I coped with the marriage. Recently one wrote to me saying that they didn't reply because the request was unreasonable. So I had to cut off all contact. It was the single hardest thing I've ever done. But I could do it,because I needed to; because I was finally balancing my own needs against other peoples'.

I can't promise that it's easy, but I can say that there's a way to grow through this. Two years ago I was absolutely terrified. I don't want to scare you, but it actually got worse (see family comment!). But, once I'd found that it was ok to trust myself and learn from the feelings I had, I had a route map. Good luck. In my experience, this is a precious safe space.

[Speck]

Welcome, Secondhand ploy!

 

Hello, friend. You are having the toughest time. I am so sorry for what brought you here, but I'm glad you're here with us. We help and support each other here, and that's what you should expect.

Please forgive me as I paraphrase your over-all feelings below:

* I am unable to trust anyone.
* I find hanging out with people exhausting.
* I now feel paranoid to anyone too close to me.
* I feel like they only want to use me.
* I also can't find any motivation in continuing any interest.
* I feel pathetic.
* I feel like I am a great loser.
* I almost start to suspect that I am getting mental illnesses too.
* I don't know who I am anymore.
* I cant feel happiness.
* I am scared.
* I don't know who I am anymore.
* I lost who I am.
* I am developing a void.

The vast majority of what you have shared with us is known as anhedonia, the inability to feel joy, which is a hallmark of depression.

Am I really going crazy?

No, you're not going crazy. Not at all. I know that you fear that you are, but from what you've described, it sounds like you are situationally depressed. There are a lot of moving parts related to why you feel this way, but you, friend, have been through quite an enormous psychological blow. For one thing, you're processing a painful breakup, on top of feeling very isolated due being abandoned by friends and family. It's completely understandable that you feel the way you do.

I don't think this is normal post break up with a BPD is it?

It certainly can be and sounds like this is your experience.

Do you have access to a therapist? I think you would benefit from talking to a therapist about your feelings. Also, despite how low you feel at this time, are you able to carry out your day to day activities okay, or are your feelings becoming increasingly debilitating to you? If so, it may also be helpful to seek out the help of a psychiatrist so that you can benefit from medication to help lift your spirit, even for a short while, so that you can focus on healthy processing.

You are among peers. wellwellwell's last paragraph above underscores this point and is also full of hope.

Keep writing - we will help you get through this.


-Speck

[Turkish]

Secondhand ploy,

It sucks feeling so isolated,  especially by family,  those whom you think would support you. 

I'd like to second Speck's suggestion about seeking professional help,  a neutral and bin judgemental voice to talk to.  I was anti therapy, largely due to my BPD mother abandoning me in family therapy when I was 13. I took it and owned it,  however,  when I was 41 and my ex similarly abandoned me in couples counseling.  Best thing I ever did.  It helped me so much to have someone safe to talk to. 

What are your thoughts?

[heartandwhole]

Hi secondhand ploy,

I'd like to join the other members here and welcome you. I'm very sorry that you are feeling so low. That is so difficult to deal with.

As others have said, you are not alone. I've been there, too. After my breakup, I felt depressed, apathetic, empty, and I even started to feel a bit paranoid—as if strangers were out to hurt me.

I ultimately reached out to a therapist, and it really helped. You are not going crazy. It just sounds like you've been through the wringer, like so many of us have, and need support getting your life back.

You've found a great place to get that support. Keep posting. It really helps. We are here for you. 

heartandwhole

[wellwellwell]

  I was anti therapy, largely due to my BPD mother abandoning me in family therapy when I was 13. I took it and owned it,  however,  when I was 41 and my ex similarly abandoned me in couples counseling.  Best thing I ever did.  It helped me so much to have someone safe to talk to. 

I want to echo this. I may start a separate thread. I was a real skeptic - nothing worked with my ex. There are some very damaged and damaging therapists out there. Some are well-intentioned but blindsided by BPD behavior. Any situation involving BPD is too complex to involve a generalist, and it's painfully hard to slog through the bad fits to find the good ones. Eventually one just said 'I know what's going on'. That changed everything. It didn't make it easier, but it made it possible.

[Secondhand ploy]

Hang in there

People care

j

Thank you J. I wish I could believe that.

I can't promise that it's easy, but I can say that there's a way to grow through this. Two years ago I was absolutely terrified. I don't want to scare you, but it actually got worse (see family comment!). But, once I'd found that it was ok to trust myself and learn from the feelings I had, I had a route map. Good luck. In my experience, this is a precious safe space.

Not gonna lie this sounds very scary. I hope it gets better but I am afraid it won't. If time is all I need I definitely will work it through but  I can't even see it. I can't even see how anything gets better. I used to know me. But now if I ask myself, what kind of person I am, who am I, what do I aim for, it seems hard to find the answers. Diagnosed BPDex said that I am full of bull___ and now it seems like I am starting to believe her after we broke up. I AM full of ___ it feels like. Couldn't do anything well maybe that's why she left me.

The vast majority of what you have shared with us is known as anhedonia, the inability to feel joy, which is a hallmark of depression.

No, you're not going crazy.

Do you have access to a therapist? I think you would benefit from talking to a therapist about your feelings. Also, despite how low you feel at this time, are you able to carry out your day to day activities okay, or are your feelings becoming increasingly debilitating to you?
-Speck

Not sure if I am having depression right now, perhaps you are right. I also couldn't stop unwanted thoughts that keep me rethink about the situation with my ex. It's not that I couldn't let it go, but I can't stop it from appearing in my mind 24/7, it's like everything can remind me of her and I absolutely despise it. I avoid places, songs, people that could trigger me but they are everywhere. It's exhausting and I don't know what's wrong with me. I am not an obsessing person this feels so alienated.

I don't have health insurance as of right now, I could TRY to get a therapist but I don't think I can afford one for the time being.

Somedays I can carry through, other days I had to be alone or when I go to work I would be unable to focus and feel pain in my chest and hard to breath all day long.

Secondhand ploy,

It sucks feeling so isolated,  especially by family,  those whom you think would support you. 

I'd like to second Speck's suggestion about seeking professional help,  a neutral and bin judgemental voice to talk to.

What are your thoughts?

If I could I would. Right now I can't. This board is the only place I can get help from... .or at least hope to.

Hi secondhand ploy,

As others have said, you are not alone. I've been there, too. After my breakup, I felt depressed, apathetic, empty, and I even started to feel a bit paranoid—as if strangers were out to hurt me.

I ultimately reached out to a therapist, and it really helped. You are not going crazy. It just sounds like you've been through the wringer, like so many of us have, and need support getting your life back.

You've found a great place to get that support. Keep posting. It really helps. We are here for you. 

heartandwhole

Could you possibly describe more of your experience?

[Secondhand ploy]

Hi secondhand ploy,

As others have said, you are not alone. I've been there, too. After my breakup, I felt depressed, apathetic, empty, and I even started to feel a bit paranoid—as if strangers were out to hurt me.

heartandwhole

I know you just resonated with MY feelings and they ARE how I feel but the crazy thing is that I just imagined my BPDex saying that because that's ALSO how she described herself at one point in our relationship. What's wrong with me  This is definitely not normal. I am so sorry. Please be honest with me. It's like I worry about her more than I do myself sometimes. And I don't know how to describe this feeling. It's like I am looking for something but I don't even know what.

[wellwellwell]

Thank you J. I wish I could believe that.

Not gonna lie this sounds very scary. I hope it gets better but I am afraid it won't. If time is all I need I definitely will work it through but  I can't even see it. I can't even see how anything gets better. I used to know me. But now if I ask myself, what kind of person I am, who am I, what do I aim for, it seems hard to find the answers. Diagnosed BPDex said that I am full of bull___ and now it seems like I am starting to believe her after we broke up. I AM full of ___ it feels like. Couldn't do anything well maybe that's why she left me.

It does sound scary. I was scared. So scared I couldn't even feel it. But it did change. When I say that it got worse, I don't meant to scare you. When it got worse, I got through it because I'd started to center my world around me, and that made life a lot easier (even if what I faced felt worse). And I didn't have to carry the relationship. I looked back a year later and realized that the dark points when things looked impossible were now just points I'd made it through. They weren't my whole existence. NC (breaking off contact) helped me stop hearing the nasty and irrational critiques my ex used to say at her worst ("You're sick", "There's something dark in you", "You've screwed me up more than my father did" (wow, that was some competition).

The big difference after I broke contact was that I had the resources to survive. Yes, the pain left was me, and caused by my feelings, but the resources were "me", too. It took time to realize that was what was getting me through. So all I can say is that you will find that you somehow get through these really ___ty experiences, and then you'll notice a change. You'll slowly see that they pass, and you're still there. You may feel like you can't function now. I spent weeks on the sofa - sort of depressed but actually facing who I was and what was happening. It mattered to me that I stared at that void and accepted it. That way, when I got up, it was me who got me up.

I didn't mean to frighten you. If you need medical help, please get it. But trust yourself, too. If you sustained a relationship like this, you can recover from it.

[Speck]

Dear, Secondhand:

If time is all I need I definitely will work it through but I can't even see it. I can't even see how anything gets better.

Time is not all you need, friend. When people step on a massive emotional landmine such as this, the aftermath and impact can cause them to look out upon the world as a rather bleak and blah place for months on end. Time helps, yes, but making a conscious effort to surround yourself with good, safe, and understanding people is key. Doing so helps to lessen the lower lows, and can potentially shorten the length of time that you feel this way.

Not sure if I am having depression right now, perhaps you are right.

I wish I weren't, but I do believe that you have described to us the very essence of depression. And, it's okay to find yourself there... .just to simply acknowledge it, take a deep breath, and say to yourself, "What now?"

I will also add that you are among a legion of peers when it comes to understanding post-breakup situational depression. We know, friend, what it feels like to be rejected and then to have nowhere to go, no one to turn to for venting, validation, comfort, and solidarity in our local communities. That's why we're here.

And we are so glad you are. It's a start out of this mess... .

I don't have health insurance as of right now, I could TRY to get a therapist but I don't think I can afford one for the time being.

I understand. I do know that you can find an affordable therapist that will base your fee on a sliding scale of whatever you can pay. This may be through your Public Health Department, a local church, a community outreach program, etc.

Years ago, when I was a poor college student with some chunky thoughts to process regarding my Family of Origin, I found this exact arrangement through the Public Health Department. Because I was so broke, my fee was $8.00/hr. Sometimes, all I could manage was a baggie full of quarters, and she took it! If it weren't for my reaching out for help then and actually getting it, I really don't know where I'd be now. I just want you to know that these programs are out there.

Somedays I can carry through, other days I had to be alone or when I go to work I would be unable to focus and feel pain in my chest and hard to breathe all day long.

This is called somatic heartache. My uBPw abruptly left me in late November. My chest pains from heartache (which were triggered every time I thought of my wife) lasted all through December and January and finally stopped for good in February. It takes time.

Secondhand, again, we're glad you're here. I wish for you the same level of care and support that I have received via this website. Feel free to make yourself at home, and write about whatever is bugging you here. Someone is always listening.


-Speck

[heartandwhole]

I know you just resonated with MY feelings and they ARE how I feel but the crazy thing is that I just imagined my BPDex saying that because that's ALSO how she described herself at one point in our relationship. What's wrong with me  This is definitely not normal. I am so sorry. Please be honest with me. It's like I worry about her more than I do myself sometimes. And I don't know how to describe this feeling. It's like I am looking for something but I don't even know what.

No worries, Secondhand ploy. You are still not alone.  

Many of us arrive here wondering if we were the ones with BPD, or something else very wrong with us. It's normal, and painful. Many of us didn't recognize ourselves—we seemed to lose ourselves in the relationship and then in the aftermath, there was just this giant void left, and the feelings that we just didn't want to face.

You will get through this. I did and so have many others here. I know that sounds ridiculous right now, but it's true. I didn't care if I lived or died after my breakup, and today I feel so much myself again. With scars, yes, but wiser, stronger, peaceful in being me.

As Speck says, it's a process. And time helps, but there is a lot more.

I'd like to recommend a book by Susan Anderson, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. It really helped me after my breakup. It talks about the stages we go through, from Shattering to Lifting. If you check it out, you'll see that your feelings are very understandable. You've been through something extremely stressful, some might even use the word traumatic, but regardless of the label, you need support. Don't give up on yourself.

Also, in my search for resources on the net, I've found several states that offer free counseling. Also, professional schools/universities that train counselors may offer free or reduced rate therapy. I recommend checking out your local suicide/crisis hotlines, too. You can call just for informational purposes. They have access to resources that you may have no idea exist.

Hang in there. Things really can get better for you.

heartandwhole

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Secondhandploy,

I'd like to join everyone else in welcoming you and saying that I'm glad you found us and took this step to reach out.  That's a great start.  Some don't acknowledge what they are going through and simply 'soldier on', which can make things worse.  So you're on the right track and we're here for you. 

I want to ask if you've spoken to a doctor about how you are feeling?  Counselling can take time, whereas when I reached what I knew was my limit I spoke to my GP and (reluctantly) accepted a trial of an SSRI.  I haven't looked back.  It made a huge difference in how I was able to cope and make sense of things.  If you're feeling particularly low, perhaps some short term relief would be a good plan for you to help you get through the now.  There is also a possibility that a doctor could point you in the direction of other services such as therapists through charities or other organisations which are free or reduced rate.  I go to counselling at a women's centre which costs nothing and is really helpful for me.

Keep posting here too and involve yourself in others' discussions - it helps to speak to others who understand.

Love and light x

[Speck]

How are you feeling today, Secondhand ploy?

When you are able, feel free to let us know how best to support you.


-Speck

[Secondhand ploy]

You may feel like you can't function now. I spent weeks on the sofa - sort of depressed but actually facing who I was and what was happening. It mattered to me that I stared at that void and accepted it. That way, when I got up, it was me who got me up.

I didn't mean to frighten you. If you need medical help, please get it. But trust yourself, too. If you sustained a relationship like this, you can recover from it.

It seems like I have to work on the acceptance of my void like you said, wellwellwell. Start from scratch. Painful. Not sure if I have childhood trauma myself, but this relationship sure is bringing up painful sensations from the past. Problem is I can't pinpoint what. But that's okay I suppose. I am scared. But better scared and face reality than wallow in sorrow. Logically I can fight it. But I can't seem to make this hard-to-describe feeling go away. It's as if it's haunting me. Depression it must be, as Speck has pointed out. I appreciate your faith in me, wellwellwell.

Dear, Secondhand:

Time is not all you need, friend. When people step on a massive emotional landmine such as this, the aftermath and impact can cause them to look out upon the world as a rather bleak and blah place for months on end. Time helps, yes, but making a conscious effort to surround yourself with good, safe, and understanding people is key.

I wish I weren't, but I do believe that you have described to us the very essence of depression. And, it's okay to find yourself there... .just to simply acknowledge it, take a deep breath, and say to yourself, "What now?"

-Speck

I try my best at this point in time to find friends that I can talk to. None believed me because they don't understand about the disorder or what this kind of relationship can do to anybody. It is very hurtful as I trusted them yet to see them turn their backs on me. I am grateful that the people on this board understand. It alleviates my feeling of being the crazy one.

I thought my depression had gone away when the thoughts of suicide had disappeared. Now I understand that the depression has just turned to a different type, or maybe the same but I just wasn't aware. I used to break down a lot and hurt myself right after the break-up. Now I just can't seem to cry even if I wanted to. I can feel this pain, this lump in my chest, or the heartache that you mentioned, and I try so hard to cry in order to release but I couldn't. And the other feelings I've described in the earlier posts don't help at all. I really appreciate every single one of your words though. I find comfort in them, Speck.

Now... .I am not sure. Lost in the present. Lifting myself seems to be such an impossible feat for now, though I know that is the way to go. I really to want rid of this depressive state. It is very consuming and exhausting, painful and depressive at the same time. I want to find myself again. Some days I am barely functioning, other days a wrecked mess inside. I believed I was the bad guy. Perhaps I can reinvent myself and start anew. I don't want to bury my negative feelings again. I want to set them free.

 I just want you to know that these programs are out there.

I plan to look into them as soon as I could. I feel very exhausted just to go through the daily life, mentally and physically. Even the thought of calling for help stress me out and seem overwhelming. I do understand that this is for me and to help myself, so I will do this as soon as possible.

Many of us arrive here wondering if we were the ones with BPD, or something else very wrong with us. It's normal, and painful. Many of us didn't recognize ourselves—we seemed to lose ourselves in the relationship and then in the aftermath, there was just this giant void left, and the feelings that we just didn't want to face.

I'd like to recommend a book by Susan Anderson, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. It really helped me after my breakup. It talks about the stages we go through, from Shattering to Lifting. If you check it out, you'll see that your feelings are very understandable. You've been through something extremely stressful, some might even use the word traumatic, but regardless of the label, you need support. Don't give up on yourself.

heartandwhole

Thank you for validating my feelings. This bothered me for so long and I was ready to explode if I continued to think this way. I still have some doubt in myself, but at least now I won't feel like I am absolutely insane, taking all the problems that was in the relationship and make them ALL of my responsibilities.

I will get this book when payday comes, I am absolutely financially stranded, broke as I am surviving on my own. I wish I can take some time off to just examine myself in depth. But this is so scary. Despite the flat emotion that I have right now I am afraid of falling back into the suicidal depression phrase, the relapse came close one time.

Hi Secondhandploy,

I want to ask if you've spoken to a doctor about how you are feeling?  Counselling can take time, whereas when I reached what I knew was my limit I spoke to my GP and (reluctantly) accepted a trial of an SSRI.  I haven't looked back.  It made a huge difference in how I was able to cope and make sense of things.  If you're feeling particularly low, perhaps some short term relief would be a good plan for you to help you get through the now.

Love and light x

No, I have not yet had a chance to do so. I plan on getting counselling and perhaps to get a diagnose to quit the doubt that I have on myself. I tried two over-the-counter anti-depressants but both made me hit lower than I already was. I immediately stopped as I know the danger. As I have mentioned above, I will do my best to get help as soon as I am able to. It feels very hard to fight this state I am in I must say. I am thankful for your advice.

How are you feeling today, Secondhand ploy?

When you are able, feel free to let us know how best to support you.


-Speck

Thank you Speck, for both checking in and being understanding. Today I feel alright, thought about the relationship and what went wrong, and then what made me feel this way and the problems I have in the inner me. I have high doubt on myself it seems, perhaps low self-worth is what you call it. I used to be a very confident individual, not sure what changed me. The previous two days I couldn't answer the board though I read the replies, it's gotten to a point where I feel doing anything can drain and suck the life out of me. So I apologize for the late replies. Today is a better day compared to the previous two. You make me not feel so alone, and that really helps me tremendously.

[JNChell]

 
Hi Secondhand ploy. I’ve been following your thread, and it’s great to see you reaching out for help. This is the kind of support you can expect here. It’s been a real lifeline for me.

I can relate to you 100% on losing the strong sense of confidence I had when I met my ex. In the beginning when things seemed like a dream come true (idealization phase) that confidence was reinforced and became even stronger by the ways she reacted to me and how she seemed so enthralled with me. She had placed me high up on a pedestal that eventually came crashing down. My confidence came with it. I want you to know that I’m getting better and so will you. I made a decision to be proactive about my healing and it’s helping.

I’d like to echo Speck on seeking affordable therapy. There are resources out there. My sister is a psychologist and has recommended utilizing a local university to me in the past that has a psychology program. I’m not certain, but it may have been free.

We’re glad that you found us. Your confidence will return in time and you’ll be feeling better. I’d also like to encourage you to read the lessons and articles, watch the videos and stay active on this board. We hear you and we empathize with you. Please keep us posted and be kind to yourself.

[wellwellwell]

Secondhand,

I'm glad we've helped a little to validate your feelings. Because BPD is such a niche area, it's often by nature an isolating experience to encounter it at such an intimate level. Last year, I really struggled with people saying 'you should be over it' or 'pull yourself together'. A couple of friends lost patience - that really, really hurt. It means they just weren't hearing me. Abandonment doesn't work that way, and it was perfectly normal for me to feel lost for months (great help when my therapist convinced me of that). It's perfectly normal for you to feel the way you're feeling now.

I would like to make the observation that you're very articulate about how you feel. Your writing suggests that you're able to consider the many different options you have (even if getting access to some of them is challenging). That's a good sign.

There's a lot of good advice here. I chose to accept where I was, but it's recently taken some medication to help with anxiety to help me steer this ship. I had very little social capital - I was socially isolated because of the nature of my work (huge amounts of travel and freelance) and other personal and marital reasons. Some people have great families. I didn't, and it too me a while to understand that. They didn't even visit, or call. Even when I felt better, I had no social continuity, and attempts to settle where I lived were a disaster, so I'd slip back. I was constantly balancing my desperate need for some social connection with my ability to function. But I had the money for therapy at the time. I chatted to some mental health academics last year who talked about the balance of resources - money can help, and social capital can help, and resilience from your childhood can help. There's no right or wrong. It's what it adds up to that matters.

Things are better now, but life is still pretty hard at times. The thing is, two years ago I was terrified of it taking years to get out of this state of mind. I wanted to get on with a new relationship, to escape everything. Now, well, I'm not sure if I either want to or need to do either. I have found a way to turn this into a powerful and meaningful experience. I found out what it means. I don't mean just escapist fantasy about everything having a meaning, because some of this stuff is plain awful, but I made it something that became more about me than my ex, and about my path in life.

I think of this like an exclusive club that contains some very special people who survived excruciating psychological trauma. There's an old book about trauma (I'm using that word really generally - and of course making no suggestions about you or anyone else's childhood to be clear!) called The Drama of the Gifted Child. It's the gift (the skill of surviving) that got you here. Hang in there.

[Speck]

Hello again, Secondhand:

It's great to hear an update from you. I do have some thoughts to share:

I try my best at this point in time to find friends that I can talk to. None believed me because they don't understand about the disorder or what this kind of relationship can do to anybody. It is very hurtful as I trusted them yet to see them turn their backs on me.

Yes, it is hurtful to not be believed by the folks we know in our "real" lives. But, like wellwellwell says, dealing with the aftermath of a BPD relationship is such a niche problem, that the vast majority of people that you know and can actually talk to will not understand the how far the rabbit hole goes (as far as self-doubt, depression, and mental anguish goes).

I am grateful that the people on this board understand. It alleviates my feeling of being the crazy one.

Ha. Yes, I think all of us on this board have been tried by fire in some way or another. You are among peers.

I thought my depression had gone away when the thoughts of suicide had disappeared. Now I understand that the depression has just turned to a different type, or maybe the same but I just wasn't aware.

Although depression and suicidality are usually present at the same time, they are not the same thing. Nope. Now you're just depressed! And that's a "good" thing because we can work with that. From what you've shared with us previously, the loss of feeling joy or feeling really anything (numbness), is where you are now. Anhedonia, like I mentioned earlier, is just a temporary state of being. It is not who YOU are, nor where you will always be. Time will help with this, but proactive steps on your part will also lift the numbness.

Now... .I am not sure. Lost in the present. Lifting myself seems to be such an impossible feat for now, though I know that is the way to go. I really do want rid of this depressive state. It is very consuming and exhausting, painful and depressive at the same time. I want to find myself again. Some days I am barely functioning, other days a wrecked mess inside. I believed I was the bad guy.

Again, I agree with wellwellwell, in that you are extremely articulate in conveying how you feel, and this will be a point in your favor. This will lend mightily in your being able to ask for help from a mental health professional and actually getting it. And, no, you're not the bad guy.

Perhaps I can reinvent myself and start anew. I don't want to bury my negative feelings again. I want to set them free.

Amen... .and amen.

Even the thought of calling for help stress me out and seem overwhelming. I do understand that this is for me and to help myself, so I will do this as soon as possible.

I understand. My FoO abandoned me in totality when I was 23, and I went through a two-year dip into the underworld of depression. It was beyond awful, and I distinctly remember standing in my closet trying to get a pair of pants on so I could go out to eat, but not even having the energy to get my feet into them and then pull them up. Result? I went back to bed. So, I'm not going to be obnoxiously pushy with you about calling for professional help. But... .the sooner you do, the sooner that you can rise like a phoenix of these ashes.

I still have some doubt in myself, but at least now I won't feel like I am absolutely insane, taking all the problems that was in the relationship and make them ALL of my responsibilities.

You are only responsible for 50% of the downfall of the relationship. Not 51%. Not 76%. Not 100%.

But this is so scary. Despite the flat emotion that I have right now I am afraid of falling back into the suicidal depression phrase, the relapse came close one time.

I understand, friend. Just read this when you're feeling afraid.

Today I feel alright, thought about the relationship and what went wrong, and then what made me feel this way and the problems I have in the inner me. I have high doubt on myself it seems, perhaps low self-worth is what you call it. I used to be a very confident individual, not sure what changed me.

Being in a toxic relationship is akin to drinking poison. Poison which changes you over time. The only way to get back to the strong, confident man you used to be is to stop taking a sip. As time goes on and you move toward healing, your hair will grow back, your skin will look less green, you'll have some pep in your step, and your breath will become minty fresh. You will embrace good things, look for adventures, seek companionship, laugh heartily, and experience self-love.

We can help you process this poison and/or you can find a professional listener. Either way, the grief-work must be done.

The previous two days I couldn't answer the board though I read the replies, it's gotten to a point where I feel doing anything can drain and suck the life out of me. So I apologize for the late replies. Today is a better day compared to the previous two. You make me not feel so alone, and that really helps me tremendously.

No worries. There's always someone here to bounce ideas off of when you feel up to it. I'm just glad you've found a place where you feel heard. And, that's a good start to your healing journey! Remember we are all here healing along beside you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Numbers321]

Secondhand,

Sounds like a complicated situation.

My suggestion on self value would be to start with the fundamentals.

• Exercise. Go running and do bodyweight exercises. These are possible whatever your situation.
• Eat well. Raise proportion of protein and fats vs carbs. Take vitamin supplements. Reduce sugar.
• Sleep enough. Tiredness is a mind killer (this is my weak spot).

These things will increase your capability to feel well in yourself. They're hard to start, but are self reinforcing habits when you can get them off the ground. Stick to it for a fortnight and see if you don't start to feel better and more in control. They pretty much cost nothing and require nothing from anyone else. What is there to lose?

[Secondhand ploy]

Hi Secondhand ploy. I’ve been following your thread, and it’s great to see you reaching out for help.

I want you to know that I’m getting better and so will you. I made a decision to be proactive about my healing and it’s helping.

We hear you and we empathize with you. Please keep us posted and be kind to yourself.

JNChell, congratulations on getting better. I believe I can too, following your example. I will certainly do my best. Thank you for being with me on my healing and reviving journey.

Secondhand,

I'm glad we've helped a little to validate your feelings. Because BPD is such a niche area, it's often by nature an isolating experience to encounter it at such an intimate level. Last year, I really struggled with people saying 'you should be over it' or 'pull yourself together'. A couple of friends lost patience - that really, really hurt. It means they just weren't hearing me. Abandonment doesn't work that way, and it was perfectly normal for me to feel lost for months (great help when my therapist convinced me of that). It's perfectly normal for you to feel the way you're feeling now.

Some people have great families. I didn't, and it too me a while to understand that. I was constantly balancing my desperate need for some social connection with my ability to function.

Hang in there.

Wellwellwell, I could have taken your experience word for word and make them mine. I know most of the people on this site is the same way. Thank you for your kind words. I am rebuilding myself on a daily basis, no matter how small the step may be. I have come to see the light of silver lining by reading your words, and though however temporary, it's a start.

I might be still not too rehearsed with the difference between real BPD abandonment issues and my own, but like I said I am starting to learn little by little, emotionally. At this point I no longer think myself as an evil person because of that relationship, thanks to all the kind people on this site. I still think I am  a bad person, but eventually, hopefully, I will be proving myself otherwise. This has to come from within me, I think.

I hope we can both fully heal and thrive together one day, wellwellwell, as well as all others on here, and else.

Yes, it is hurtful to not be believed by the folks we know in our "real" life.

Now you're just depressed! And that's a "good" thing because we can work with that. From what you've shared with us previously, the loss of feeling joy or feeling really anything (numbness), is where you are now. Anhedonia, like I mentioned earlier, is just a temporary state of being.

I understand. My FoO abandoned me in totality when I was 23, and I went through a two-year dip into the underworld of depression.

We can help you process this poison and/or you can find a professional listener. Either way, the grief-work must be done.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!

-Speck

I think what made me feel like I was the crazy one was because of these statements and disbeliefs from everyone around me. Ex played some part in here, but mainly the environment. You have relieved some of my intense low lows with these validations of my experience with a BPDex, now I am in a better place than before.

I have been actively trying my best to get out of depression ever since it started. I can only hope it won't last much longer, though it has been quite a long time for me in this state. I want to feel everything I used to feel that are positive. I can't even feel anger or sadness or other negative emotion sometimes. I hope it will come to pass and allow me to enjoy my rebirth. Wistful thinking, I don't believe in me right now, it's like there's two sides of me battling each other. Nonetheless I am still striving for the better and continue fighting it.

I hope you are stronger than you ever are, Speck, your experience and pulling yourself back up proves just that.

I will continue the update, if I do disappear for some time just know that it's my internal fighting against depression.

Thank you for reaching out to me.

Secondhand,

Sounds like a complicated situation.

My suggestion on self value would be to start with the fundamentals.

• Exercise. Go running and do bodyweight exercises. These are possible whatever your situation.
• Eat well. Raise proportion of protein and fats vs carbs. Take vitamin supplements. Reduce sugar.
• Sleep enough. Tiredness is a mind killer (this is my weak spot).

Numbers321, I have been doing these activities whenever possible, as in I am capable of doing so both physically and mentally. Right now it's the inside, not only do I think I am unlovable, but also that I hurt and bring trouble to my BPDex, that I was incapable of making her happy, that people around me think I am crazy and left me alone, and keep their distance post break up. My mind makes me think that the relationship brought out the real me, the completely worthless and evil human being, the one so easily discaded and replaced. The monster who is two faced, who tells lies and bull___s, and this belief is reinforced when no one believed me and view me different. These beliefs came from my ex's mouth at first, but they have long been implanted in my mind during the bad break up fallout. Now she's gone, but her legacy stays still. These feelings spiraled into sucidal depression. Now I am in a better place. And I will take your advice and push myself more.

Thank you to everyone, if I haven't expressed so yet.

[Speck]

Hello again, Secondhand:

It's great to hear from you and how you've been faring. I hear a good deal of hope in your latest update, Secondhand, and I'm buoyed by this trickle of optimism. Even so, as is the case when one feels low, there are some other less than optimistic/positive things that I hear you say about yourself that I hope you don't mind my paraphrasing in order to share with you an observation:

• I still think I am a bad person, but eventually, hopefully, I will be proving myself otherwise.
• I think what made me feel like I was the crazy one was because of these statements and disbeliefs from everyone around me. Ex played some part in here, but mainly the environment.
• I can't even feel anger or sadness or other negative emotion sometimes.
• Right now, it's the inside; I think I am unlovable.
• I hurt and bring trouble to my BPDex.
• I was incapable of making her happy.
• People around me think I am crazy and left me alone, and keep their distance post break up.
• My mind makes me think that the relationship brought out the real me, the completely worthless and evil human being, the one so easily discarded and replaced.
• (I am) the monster who is two-faced, who tells lies, and this belief is reinforced when no one believes me and views me differently.

The observation goes like this: When we feel low-low-low, our minds will try to make us feel as uncomfortable as possible by recalling the past in a distorted way and by morphing reality... .basically torturing us. These types of thoughts are called "Garbage Truck" thoughts, and they are not real.

They. Are. Not. Real.

Skip wrote an excellent site article about these "Garbage Truck" type thoughts, and I think you will really benefit by reading it... .if only to gain closer awareness about what I've paraphrased above.

I hope you are stronger than you ever are, Speck, your experience and pulling yourself back up proves just that.

Well, although my FoO discarded me when I was 23 years-old (exactly 23 years ago), I very well remember feeling numbed out for months on end. I couldn't even cry about it. Time felt warped. It took me years to even talk about it with a professional listener (hint-hint), but I eventually found my bearing again. I tell you all this because I want you to know that you are not alone. I hear your words, know where you are right now, and remember.

I will continue the update, if I do disappear for some time just know that it's my internal fighting against depression.

You do what you need to do for YOU. We are here whenever you feel like talking.

Step by step, we heal.


-Speck

[wellwellwell]

Secondhand,

I hope you're feeling ok. I really appreciate you responding to this thread. It helps me, too. I just wanted to add some thoughts I had reading your last reply, in case you're able to read this but don't feel able to reply (I've been there):

For me, recovery from this sort of experience isn't linear. It's got more dimensions than forward/backward. For a long time last year, it felt like I was struggling the dark through underground caverns, looking for the route to the surface. I'd see light and follow it 'up', and find myself in despair when it wasn't the answer. I still have an internal narrative - "Am I 'better' than I was yesterday/a month ago/a year ago?'... .the doubts undermined me - "You're worse than you were yesterday so it's you after all... .".

It's taken me a long time to recognize this internal narrative as part of the problem, too. That narrative reduces things to 'yes/no' or 'better/worse'. That undermines the part of me that needs to stop judging and measuring my self and just embrace it.

When I'm not still struggling with the idea that I'm somehow flawed or incomplete, or unlovable (all of the Garbage Truck thoughts Speck sets out so well above), I know I'm making really good progress and that I'm making the right decisions about how I look after myself, who I open up to, and how I value my own emotional safety. Mistakes, sure, but I'm getting a lot of the big decisions right. And life's going to throw me more challenges, and slowly, I think maybe that I'll still be ok... .And hang on, if I make the wrong decisions? Well, I'm still lovable, and still precious. I always will be. That last part is where I realize that the self-doubt is losing its grip on me.

So, even if you feel like you're falling back, just try to be a friend to yourself. For me, it was and is about learning how to love myself. That's about all I need to do. The rest is organization  . Take care.

[JNChell]

Hey there, Secondhand Ploy!
I just wanted to stop by and see how you’re feeling today. Drop us a line when you can. 

[Secondhand ploy]

Hey there, Secondhand Ploy!
I just wanted to stop by and see how you’re feeling today. Drop us a line when you can. 

Hey All, I have been doing better and better since I was last on here. I seem to be more in control of my thoughts recently, and I was able to stop the spiral when I sense a possible episode. All thanks to the members that replied here, including JNChell, Speck, wellwellwell, Harley Quinn, heartandwhole, Turkish, Number321, and other supportive members.

It's an uphill battle, but now I can function and take it through the day without a drag. Feelings wise, not so much better, as I still couldn't feel anything. I don't feel, however, like everyone is out to hurt me anymore, that is mostly thanks to all of you here because of your support and validation. I no longer judge and criticize myself to such an extreme degree, although it still does happen, the severity has strongly lessened, and I am thankful for that. At the core, not quite healed yet, but I am working towards it.

Thank you for dropping by and asking, I actually asked for a vacation time off from my workplace to see if that helps.

On another note, how have you been?

[heartandwhole]

Glad to hear that you are feeling better. It takes time, and there will probably be backslides now and again, but they won't deter you anymore. And remember, we've got your back. 

Oooh, time off work, sounds good! What are your vacation plans, Secondhand?

heartandwhole

[Secondhand ploy]

Glad to hear that you are feeling better. It takes time, and there will probably be backslides now and again, but they won't deter you anymore. And remember, we've got your back. 

Oooh, time off work, sounds good! What are your vacation plans, Secondhand?

heartandwhole

It really does take time, and I am all for it, heartandwhole. Thank you for having my back I believe you.

My planned vacation would be to drive up to Northern California from LA, which is where I am located, and once I hit San Francisco and visit all the national parks and attractions along the way, I will be driving across the US and back through Vegas before my vacation ends. My supervisor has approved my vacation request, which I am thankful for. Hopefully this can be a life changing experience. How about you, heartandwhole, anything going on recently?

[Speck]

Secondhand!

It's so good to hear that things are starting to lift for you. I am so happy for you that the lowest lows are in your rear-view mirror. Now, you're telling us that you have something to look forward to:

My planned vacation would be to drive up to Northern California from LA, which is where I am located, and once I hit San Francisco and visit all the national parks and attractions along the way, I will be driving across the US and back through Vegas before my vacation ends.

This all sounds so epic! Are you going by yourself? I hope you have a great time! Please tune back in and tell us how your vacation went and what all you learned.


-Speck

[heartandwhole]

How about you, heartandwhole, anything going on recently?

I know that area that you are going to, Secondhand, it's absolutely beautiful.

I am looking forward to a week off in May. I'm planning to visit a region in my home country that I haven't visited before—something fresh and new!

heartandwhole

[Harley Quinn]

Secondhand, it's such a joy to hear that you are doing so much better!  Thanks for letting us know.  Good news shared is always welcome.  It can help others to know that better days are ahead.  Well done for planning something that sounds amazing and giving yourself that to look forward to.  Savour every moment and go easy on yourself at times when it's less easy.  We all have our moments, and as you've found, they lessen with time and some courage on our part to work through them.  Keep doing what works 

Love and light x

[JNChell]

Hey there, Secondhand Ploy! I echo the others in that I’m glad to see that you’re doing better. What a ride. Yeah? I noticed your comment about feeling wiser, not necessarily better. This is a big step. We see more as we become wiser. Sometimes they’re things that are unattractive to us. The key is recognizing them. From there, we have something to work with.

Glad to hear back from you. Also, fill us in on the vacation. Totally envious.