Waiting for ot...

[Margot Az]

Waiting for Godot,
You may know this character who is expected to come but never do, in S. Beckett's play.
I have been in the uncomfortable position of "waiting" for my SO in many situations, like many of you.
I have also understood that he could be here physically without being present, or he could be absent of himself and so vehemently present or outside from himself, for the best or the worst.
I have expected him to be the one he was the day before, I have waited for his good mood to come back, I have postponed my contentment when he was back again, because I didn't know much for how long, or if it was real, or if he really meant to be here... .
As I remained in that waiting position, until something happens many times, I realized I was going to melt, as a piece of sugar does under the rain.
Yes, I thought I was sweet.
Usually, I don't mind so much rain, but this one was bitter.
Likewise, I have read books that most of you did, I read and read many of your lines and thank you, I am not you - although you helped me to perceive the doubts growing inside me. So I can ask this so special uncertainty to sit next to me, when I have time,  for listening to it, and to leave me alone when it doesn't work for me, when I don't have time and I have things to do.
It seems more important than to try to interpret my partner's own turmoil. It is his job to think of himself. More often than I might think, he does it well. He is kind of authentic with himself, even if his answers are not always appropriate to the daily maintenance, nor suitable for my person.
So, what I gradually try to do, regurlarly, every day is to give an appointment to myself. Whoever I am now, I try to be authentic to myself.
I am used to that, because I am an artist and used to be confronted with my aloneness, used to go beyond my comfort zone.
But no, this is not so easy. I thought that these mechanisms of mine could work in any situations. I have started to melt and you, together,  help me to stop this liquefying process.
So, in the worst moments, it makes my day when I am able to meet myself. Even if I would only cover a very small surface of paper... Quantity is not so important.
I am here.
Do you have a thing, a book, a hobby, an activity, or even an image in your own memory? It doesn't need to be much, only extremely regular, I believe.
Something that brings you back to yourself?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Margot-
Thank you... .yes, waiting for Godot, how I love your words.  And yes, my art.  Except it had gotten to the point where his actions affected me so deeply that I could no longer see color.

The things that brought me peace and beauty didn't work anymore.  I couldn't create beauty when he was near me.  I felt I was always holding my breath.  I couldn't breathe.

Leaving him behind is the only way to bring color back into anything.  I am afraid to tell him that we are over.  He thinks I simply need some temporary space.  This time is different for me.  GOD help me when he learns my truth.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Margot Az]

Thank you Gemsforeyes for your answer.
I am sorry it reached that point for you. I do hope you are  progressively perceiving colors again.
I understand how you dread to announce him that you are over. If I may ask, didn't we leave since long, while, in the eyes of our partner, we gradually loose the sense of ourselves?
 warm thoughts to you... .

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Margot-

It is so very sad.  I think that yes... .we lose so much of ourselves in these relationships.  It's actually ourselves that we leave when we try to stay IN these relationships when our BPD partners won't admit to anything.  When they blame us for everything.  And we try to figure out why we keep failing.  When we try to comfort them, soothe them, calm their rage.  It seems we leave our world, and move into their world.

And then one day we need him.  I needed him.  You see... .my closest friend died 4 weeks ago, very suddenly.  And he could NOT let me grieve.  He would NOT let me be sad.  I lost my closest friend and He screamed at me.  And that woke me up.  Finally... .after 4.5 years, I think I am awake.  His illness has made me sick and weak.  And now I believe I need go back into my world without him.

I am not young.  I am afraid.  But I am so alone most of the time when he's here.  I hope you feel much better than I do.  Please do better than I did.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Margot Az]

Hello Gemsforeyes,
That is so sad to loose a friend Gemsforeyes.
I understand that you are detaching from an hostile and tough context.  It's important to find a place and a bit of time in which you can alleviate your feelings and pains. 
Warmly
Margot az

[SunandMoon]

Dear Margot

... .I have waited for his good mood to come back, I have postponed my contentment when he was back again, because I didn't know much for how long, or if it was real, or if he really meant to be here... .
As I remained in that waiting position, until something happens many times, I realized I was going to melt, as a piece of sugar does under the rain. 
Yes, I thought I was sweet.
Usually, I don't mind so much rain, but this one was bitter.

Thank you for this lovely piece, floating through the forums. I am so glad that we have, in some small way, helped stop the liquefying process.

It is his job to think of himself. More often than I might think, he does it well. He is kind of authentic with himself, even if his answers are not always appropriate to the daily maintenance, nor suitable for my person.

How poignant! So very true... .and something not often discussed. How incredibly self absorbed they can be; oblivious to anyone but themselves. 

Do you have a thing, a book, a hobby, an activity, or even an image in your own memory? It doesn't need to be much, only extremely regular, I believe. 
Something that brings you back to yourself?

Oh yes. I am a writer and when I'm engrossed in my words, this world fades away. Even the tantrums of attention-seeking children can't penetrate :-)

I wander in my garden and savour the taste of sun-warmed mulberries on my tongue. I stop to admire the delicate shading on the rose petals. I pick mint leaves and slice lemons for my water bottle.

I listen to my music, read my books, watch my shows. I relish the harmony of my own company.
I sew, draw, Google, think, talk to dear friends, walk on the beach, sing to my dog and cuddle my cats.

My husband is my world, but he is not my whole world ;-)

[SunandMoon]

Dear Gemsforeyes

I am so sorry to hear about your closest friend passing. That is so sad. More, I'm sorry that your partner couldn't or wouldn't be there for you when you needed him.

I remember a lovely conversation we had recently, in which I was struck by your wisdom and honesty.

You may not be young and you may be afraid of being alone at this time in your life, but I'm sure you have the self respect to do what is best for you. At the very least, now may be the time to take some space for yourself and to give yourself the loving care your partner doesn't seem able to give.

Warmly,
Moon x