New here: thanks for the welcome, step Mom here to learn, heal and love

[Confusedstepmom]

I am a step mom to an adult step son who displays BO and NP traits.  I’m just looking to learn, hurt less and be more loving.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Confusedstepmom

 

Welcome to the community, I'm glad you've joined us here to learn with us and for support. We are a friendly bunch 

Is your stepson living you at home with you? Take your good time to share with us, how we can help, we are listening, you are not alone.

WDx

[Confusedstepmom]

Hi Wendydarling,
No my stepson does not live with me. He is married. He is currently on a narcotic for pain and so his behavior is deteriorating. His wife, who we love, is thinking about filming his behavior to show him when he is in a good mood.  I’m not sure that’s a good idea. During our more recent get togethers he has become more vocal about things that happened when he lived with us from the time he was 10 to 17.  During that time he was diagnosed with borderline personality while we were in counseling. We didn’t understand what that meant and didn’t take any action because the counselor said we were wasting our money.  Fast forward thru periods of no contact and periods of short term contact until about 10 years ago when he married. We developed a pretty good relationship with all things considered. He is smart but no one knows more than him. He is smarter than his bosses and has lost jobs due to his verbal displeasure with former bosses. Recently he began using hydrocodone for back pain and his behavior is deteriorating.

[Confusedstepmom]

Page 2. He has become critical of me and things I did or said 30 years ago.  He is also claiming my husband can’t sell any of our belongings without checking with him first to see if he wants the item first.  This was also a problem when he lived with us. He felt anything in the House was his. 

What I want from this board and community is to determine what, if anything, we can do to 1) get him off the drugs  2) understand what questions to ask my dil to determine if she or he are in any danger and 3) figure out how to interact with him. It is obvious that after our last dinner together that he knows we are not happy with him. His reach out to us has dropped to no contact and I have not reached out to him at all. My husband is just tired of trying to deal with him.

[wendydarling]

Hi Confusedstepmom

I'm going to go straight to your Q no 2 you want to determine if your DIL or stepson are in any danger, what kind of danger, what's concerning you?

WDx

[Confusedstepmom]

I’m concerned about the Suicide factor for SS and abuse for DIL. I personally have not heard indicators of either but I could be the last to hear about these. I want to ask in a way that doesn’t create an issue that doesn’t exist... .if that makes sense. 

[wendydarling]

Hi Confusedstepmom

That's a difficult situation, I'm so sorry and I can understand your concern, you are right we can be the last to hear. You are close to your DIL she's asked your opinion about filming of behaviour, perhaps you can lovingly reassure her you are there for her and SS, if she has any concerns you are there to listen and support them? What do you think?

How do you get him off the drugs, I think only your SS can if he recognises a connection, have DIL and he discussed?

[Feeling Better]

Hi Confusedstepmom,

I’m sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time at the moment with your SS and DIL. I understand the concerns that you have, it certainly must be a worry for you.

I would imagine it would be tricky to ask your DIL whether she or your SS are in danger, you don’t want to say anything that might potentially make things worse. I think the most prudent thing to do would be to try and maintain contact and reassure them that you are there for them. Like wendydarling says, provide a listening ear and support if needed.

I don’t know about SS’s drugs - does he not need them for pain relief? Please correct me if I’ve misunderstood.

There are lots of tools and resources to the right  that you can use to help you improve the ways in which you interact with your SS.

Please let us know how things are progressing x