New poster who can't stop focusing on BPD family-members

[batcon]

Hello! I am here to introduce myself.

My mom, her sister, and her father all have what is probably BPD. My aunt has been in ‘psychotherapy,’ and medicated, since her teens, in the late 70s. My mom and her father have refused the help many in their lives have begged them to seek on many occasions. Describing my "crazy" "bitchy" "scary" mom as someone who likely has BPD is something I realized made sense about a year ago. A few months ago I sought advice from a friend who is a psychiatrist specializing in psychosis about some of my moms behaviors, and he told me that I should consider that when she says, say, "you told me you loathe me" that she actually experienced this- though I did no such thing, nor have I ever done such a thing. This was actually incredibly helpful for me to understand.

My dad grew up in what I consider to be an abusive household and I think basically this is what he has has always expected of his life. It's so sad. I feel so sad for him and so angry that he won't acknowledge that her behavior is cruelty. He says if we had handled situations better she wouldn’t flip out. I ask him sometimes if he’d be okay with it if my life looked like his. I’ve been in relationships with emotionally abusive people and when I have told him about what was happening he has laughed and said things like “oh you’re like me”. When I was growing up we would, like, work around her together- and he’s angry I think that I won’t anymore. Anyway. Mom's been getting a lot worse lately and I am not communicating with her regularly, and think that I'm doing a fairly good job of not taking her bait, not stepping into drama triangles, and I feel relieved by the disconnect... .but it's still almost always tiring and painful whenever she does get in touch and I accept the connection. I've been backing farther away from my dad as well as I get better and he gets worse. In the past she's been in a bad state and then it gets better- but she's been in a bad state for about a year and a half now. I thought it had let up a few months ago, but then, ha it turns out that it didn't! I guess we've just lowered the bar to a new normal! Hooray! I know this is what I can expect, and that it will probably just keep getting worse. I don't think I will ever stay in their house again. I'm afraid my mom will find this post. She always seems to know when I'm talking to someone about her.

I haven’t made the same choice about my aunt, yet, and communicating with her is difficult and draining and, I recognize, not good for my state of being. But her housing situation is unstable, and she is unstable, and I know I'm being suckered into/accepting the role of "rescuer" or some such.

I have had a tendency to befriend people with similar disorders. I feel like I've been grown into a puzzle piece that fits around stormy people- and that I have a hard time focusing on myself and instead look for others to focus on. I feel like I don’t /exist/ in focus. I have been working hard to change this and have been finding some footholds on agency in the last few years but I generaly feel like I'm still floundering. I emailed my uncle about my aunt an hour ago and I've checked my email three times hoping for a response. Thinking about and dealing with my family, and my own emotional problems, which I am failing to prioritize today, wrecks me pretty regularly. Today, for instance: I had a day planned of my own stuff (I am self-employed)- and then it turned out not to be pressing enough stuff, so here I am. “Not pressing enough”, “not abundant enough”. My therapist gave me a link to this website on Friday and I've been kind of scanning it and crying for a few hours a day for the past few days. So maybe what I needed was to engage with this head on today. I struggle with anxiety, panic, emotional regulation, social situations, obsessive behaviors, avoidance, anosognosia... .

My aunt lived near to us and with us when I was little, and she was in and out of psychiatric institutions for all of the 90s. She attempted suicide a few times, and talked to me about these things when I was very young (because I asked her what are these marks, where were you last week, what happened to your head, your hair, your friend, etc.) who never really could work- and I have always been super aware and afraid of this possibility for myself. I work. I take a lot of days off. Like today. Have I lost the second half of today to this, again? Yup. Better stop beating myself up about it. How do I set firm goals for myself? How do I exert this pressure without being self flagellating? Round and round I go.

I don't think I have BPD. I am often depressed, always existential. I am fearful. I am stern and blunt and timid. I have a hard time enjoying the company of people who aren't intense and hectic and messy. I have a hard time enjoying the company of people period. I spend a lot of time alone. I am stony. I am weepy. I have a lot to say. I can't speak at all. I am unreasonably earnest. I tell people things I shouldn’t. I realized very recently that this taciturn guy I know calls his mom for advice and I was reminded that I don’t understand what’s going on with other people and that maybe I talk to strangers because talking to the people close to me has always meant risking being knocked off my footing.

I moved across the country away from my family to go to college when I was 17, but none of us could manage the finances, and I dropped out- but didn't go home. I didn't really have college or life or career plans, my mom essentially had these for me when I was younger, and I knew that what I was trying to do was get my feet on the ground somewhere else. My sister was in elementary school at the time and carried a lot of resentment that I left. She’s always had more agency than me and I wonder if it’s because I was there to clear some space for her to stand on her own feet. I hope so. I am worried that she also has BPD. She gets angry and then says casually mean things and then doesn't really seem to remember that she said them. I get angry and say casually mean things! I apologize. I remember them; the memories hurt me. I think that this is how I was taught to communicate, and I work very hard to be better. I have watched her insist, a few times in the last year, that someone who was just recently a friend is really an "ass". is this her just getting to know people better? Is this her being less of a "doormat" than I am"? Is this her being like our mom? People have been telling me that I'm "not like" my mom since I was a very young child. This has always felt like a blessing and a curse. If I were like mom I would know how to get my way. I would have "a way" I knew I wanted.

I want a break from thinking about these things. I need to just allow days to be lost to these anxieties sometimes I guess. I don’t want them to be! I want to be better! I want to be working right now not writing this or thinking about these things! I lose too many days! There is too much to do to make my life work the way I want it to! I have spent two hours on this!

I am in cognitive behavioral therapy now and I am considering seeking a psychiatrist, which is something I am sure I will seek insight into on these boards. I am astonished by this website. I see myself. I see my family.

[DaddyBear77]

Hello batcon - welcome to our bpdfamily!

First of all, wow! There is so much going on in your life, in your family. I am so sorry all of this has happened to you and around you. To have so many family members suffering from BPD or BPD related traits, that's a huge burden. It would be hard for anyone to take.

I'm not sure if anyone has said this to you, but kudos to you for recognizing the patterns and for being able to even identify what's possibly going on. It take a lot of work, to take a step back and see things in perspective. It doesn't fix it, but it DOES help to see what might be going on.

Also, I'd like to thank your therapist for recommending our site! We all found this site in various ways, and it really helps to have found a therapist who understands BPD and BPD behaviors to help guide you. I'm sure you've recognized this by now.

You spend a lot of time thinking about these relatives, and you say you'd like to try and move past that and do what's important to you - do your work, you said, and not lose days to thinking about this. Have you talked about this with your therapist? Have they given you any suggestions on how to put these situations to one side while you work on your own priorities?

When you wrote your note to your Uncle, asking about your Aunt, what were you asking about? What did you hope to find out?

When you spent time away from home, both before and after you were forced to leave college but didn't come home - how did that time in your life feel to you? Were you able to put these things to the side and focus on yourself? What about that time made that possible? Can you take anything from that time in your life and apply it to today?

These are all thought questions - I certainly don't have the answers, but I'm hoping these will help you start to think about what to do next.

I'd love to hear more about you, too, and what's important in your life outside of this. We're all here for you, and again, I'm glad you found us.

[Speck]

Welcome, batcon!

 

I just wanted to join DaddyBear77 in welcoming you to the forums. From what you've written, you and I (and many others here) have a lot in common. First, we have the "light bulb" moment when we finally find out about BPD - and it explains so much. Then, we go on a search to find others suffering like us. When I first found this website, I was also astonished by the brutal truth shared here daily. So, in a word, you are not alone.

What aspects of your mother's behavior do you find most difficult to deal with?

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.


-Speck

[batcon]

Thank you both for getting back to me and for the validation.

It does really help just to know that other people experience similar things. I was somewhat afraid before I started reading that other peoples' experiences with BPD would be "worse" than mine or something and that I'd feel silly about the depth of my emotion about this stuff. I saw another poster saying something like "the abuse was always emotional never physical" and I could see that they, like me, like a lot of us I'm sure, feel sort of guilty about this. It it really impossible to explain to people who don't know and love people with BPD.

I'm nervous to talk about specifics on here because I am nervous for them to come across this. I don't want to "make anything worse". Scare quotes because I understand that the onus of responsibility for this is not /really/ on me. But it sure feels like it, yknow? If I just don't poke the bear it'll stay asleep- sigh not that it is asleep to begin with.

Do you know- is there a way to make posts visible only to members of this board?
 
I feel that for a long time my role has been the one of the person who's like: "let's stop rehashing this," as dad, sis, uncle, aunt, partner, friend, w/e all run around in circles talking through what happened whenever and how we could have done it differently to get a different outcome. I'm like- let's leave that in the past it was a scenario cooked up by an infirm hold on reality why are we letting it hold our reality captive now? I know that talking through what hurt can help, though.

The email I sent to my uncle actually just had a link to the karpman drama triangle from this site (:

I sometimes/often feel like I'm the only person in my family who understands that we're all caught up in this storm, that we didn't cause it, and who works to step out of the wind, or into the center, as I've seen it discussed on here, and I'm hoping that I can help, encourage, provide information, in order to get some of the other nons in the family over here with me. I think that this would help me if I can't convince myself to disengage entirely. If anyone reading this has problems with their own anger I strongly recommend "the Dance of Anger". Helped me greatly. Getting caught in anger dances is something I know that people do, regardless of BPD in the family, and it helps too to know that these are 'normal' human communication problems as well as personality disorder problems.

No- I've never really found any peace from it. Least of all during that first period of disconnection. I am the most peaceful I've ever been about this, and I can only hope that the upward trend increases. But Criminey I wish I were more peaceful right now *toddler stomp*.

Now I'm going to go to work all day for real. Thanks for being here. I'm going to have to figure out how to ration my access to this community. I really fell down a rabbit hole last night of reading and thinking about this. Anyone else find this community helpful while also being extremely painful? Gotta find some levity I guess.

[tryingveryhard]

I really feel for you. BPD is a very difficult disorder and tremendously painful for the family, friends, partners, children and others involved.

When I get triggered and feel desperate for help with my suffering over the BPD's behaviour and all the dysfunction that goes with it, I obsess over it too. Interferes with my sleep and what I need to do. Shuts me down and traps me in my head, replaying all the painful nonsense. It really is nonsense at the end of the day in my opinion. When i look back over an episode of being triggered and hurt by the BPD's behaviour and its repercussions I always thing what a waste of precious time that was. Especially because it just gets repeated in a kind of vicious circle. Round and round and round we go if you know what i mean.

I too want to be free of this. I have gone no contact but of course that is met by renewed punishment from the BPD I have been stuck with through family.

I am going to take the dog out and do some housework and watch trash tv. I did a little bit of work earlier. Maybe i can think of something to cook for dinner. 

Today has sucked but the current crisis will pass and i'll feel okay again soon. Then i'll look back again and think "what a bunch of nonsense" wasting my time when i could be having fun.   Time for some self-distraction for me anyway!

[Speck]

Hello again, batcon:

It's great to get an update from you. I did have some things to add:

It does really help just to know that other people experience similar things. I was somewhat afraid before I started reading that other peoples' experiences with BPD would be "worse" than mine or something and that I'd feel silly about the depth of my emotion about this stuff.

I can understand thinking that, but, from where I sit, everyone on earth is an individual and everyone's perception of pain is real and individual to them. No need to feel silly about suffering!

I'm nervous to talk about specifics on here because I am nervous for them to come across this.

I understand your reticence in doing so. However, the chance of that happening is the small end of nothing whittled down to a fine point. As of now, there are 1945939 (current) posts on 187772 (current) threads with 65940 (active) members. Once I send this very post there will be 1945940 current posts. 

Do you know - is there a way to make posts visible only to members of this board?

I don't think so. But from what I understand about pwBPD, they are the least likely candidates to join a BPD survivor's forum.
 

I know that talking through what hurt can help, though.

Yes. The people in your life may be too close to the fray to be able to be objective listeners for you. An anonymous online forum seems to me to be the most appropriate place for this beyond actual face-to-face counseling.

I sometimes/often feel like I'm the only person in my family who understands that we're all caught up in this storm, that we didn't cause it, and who works to step out of the wind, or into the center, as I've seen it discussed on here, and I'm hoping that I can help, encourage, provide information, in order to get some of the other nons in the family over here with me.

I applaud your courage to seek uncomfortable answers. Good for you!

I am the most peaceful I've ever been about this, and I can only hope that the upward trend increases. But Criminey I wish I were more peaceful right now *toddler stomp*.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck