Addiction to BPD, a metaphor or a real addiction?

[Skip]

I suspect that we get so hung up on them because they strike a deep chord within us.  In other words, there is something familiar about the dynamic of a BPD r/s that draws us in, on a subconscious level, which is why some liken a BPD r/s to an addiction.  

This is certainly one common theme; these relationships were "addictions".

I know a lot of us use the term addiction, but I'd be careful with taking the metaphor or analogy too far.

The idea that these relationships were actual and real addictions falls apart in a lot of way. An addition is often an escape. I don't sense from what members write about that their relationships were escapes.

[enlighten me]

Hi Skip

You mention about being careful to compare it to addiction as addiction is an escape but I think addiction is a well suited phrase.

Take a heroin addict they are hooked on the high but still go through the low when they cant get a fix. Like them weve been hooked on the high of idolisation and all the happy hormones it released. when we break up we no olnger get our fix so crave the person that gave it to us. Like a heroin addict we know the persons not good for us and we might not even like them but it still doesnt stop us from wanting them.

Alcoholics in recvery often think of having a drink. Ex smokers occassionally think of having a smoke.

[Duped 1]

Yes I'm very confident I was addicted. Right down to physical withdrawal symptoms.

[Skip]

My suggestion is to not buy into the elaborate addiction scenario that is promoted by some on the net. But its only a suggestion. We all can believe what we want.  

These are the people that did the science:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-up

They correlate the pain but recognize that it is similar but also very different.

The study equates this to all serious relationships - not BPD. The idea that some women are addictive and others aren't sounds like an elaborate blame shifting for our pain.

We don't detox in 10 days. Our solution is not to not be relationship free for the rest of your life.

We suffer because we have strong attachments and in some cases attachment issue that make matters worse for us.

[JNChell]

Our solution is not to be relationship free for the rest of your life.

[Duped 1]

I don't see the feeling that we were addicted to a toxic person as being about blameshifting. I feel the push-pull, the high of idolization, the rushes of the fights and make-ups as mentioned above, along with trauma bonding made this attachment much different than any other I have ever experienced and it sure felt like addiction to me. Apparently it did to her last BF too as he was suicidal at the end

[enlighten me]

Love is made to be addictive. Oxytocin is released to form bonds in relationships. Mothers release it during child birth and breastfeeding to form a bond with the child. I think where the difference lies with a BPD relationship is the intensity of the relationship. If we bond during sex and have happy hormones released in a normal relationship then surely with the intensity of a BPD relationship we are receiving more.

[Seenowayout]

I vote real addiction.

During the relationship there is a constant and atypical surge of all kinds of neurochemicals -- serotonin, oxytocin, dopamine, andrenaline, cortisol.  After a while, you don't know how to exist without these surges.  You know the relationship is killing you but you crave it anyway.  When it's cruelly over -- cold turkey -- there are plenty of physical withdrawal symptoms including lack of sleep, appetite, disordered thinking.  So many members here describe that.

If I wasn't chemically addicted, I would think I could have walked away in a more graceful way.

I remember a moment where I thought I would throw it all away -- family, friends, job -- and I just didn't care anymore -- tattoo her name on me, leave all my people, and do whatever she wanted to make her happy.  As long as I have my supply.  Not sex.  Just her.

I was Seenowayout and I was an addict.

[Chynna]

I agree with you, Skip; we can all believe what we want. The link re: breakups is not geared toward BPD breakups. If these relationships are addictions, then my personal addiction was in trying to right the irrational wrongs... .never going to sleep angry or in a state chaos over something that should easily be resolved. My uBPDbf seemed to enjoy the chaos. I just cannot live that way.

[Chynna]

I get it, EM. That is the attraction/falling in love/honeymoon phase. But then comes the phase after that where, ya know, you start to build your lives together. For my r/s, I found that very difficult as he was very much into sabatoge and creating confusion. And so I feel as I stated above: my addiction was in trying to alleviate all of that. PwBPD, from my experience, have no idea of what real love is all about. (They are 4 yr. olds emotionally.) I hope this doesn't come across too simplistically... .

[once removed]

there are addictive elements, to be sure. the science compares the withdrawal from a breakup to drug withdrawal, symptomatically.

thats about as far as i take it. a romantic relationship, or a relationship with any human being, is far more complex; its an interaction between two people. you dont fall in love with the bottle. you dont fight with the bottle. you dont share happy memories with the bottle. you dont bond with the bottle. the bottle doesnt break up with you. you dont cry over the bottle.

the bottle doesnt have the power to hurt you with its words or actions, and vice versa.

but if we are going to accept the addiction metaphor, there are similar lessons to be learned, that revolve around personal responsibility, personal accountability, self awareness, and learning some new tools to better navigate life.

usually when i hear the comparison to an addiction, its absent of those things, and implies we are powerless - we came into contact with something bad for us, lost our will or ability to think or act for ourselves; we were trapped, and suffered as a result.

and if all of that is true, that a person with weak relationship skills has that ability over us and others, then theres nothing to stop it from happening again short of us avoiding relationships.

[Chynna]

Depends on the people involved and their levels of enlightenment ( for lack of a more approriate word ), I guess... .

[Seenowayout]

Once removed -- I was "Amen Brother" up until your last statement.  "... .there's nothing to stop it from happening again short of us avoiding relationships" Why the all or none response?

I think we learn from our BPD experiences what is a good relationship and what is an unhealthy one. Not all drinks are whiskey -- I didn't even know about BPD until I took a drink.  I really think it was the level of up and down that got me hooked.  We are powerless the first time perhaps, but not in every relationship afterwards.  We know the difference now between whiskey and water.  Give me water.

Is that what you mean Chynna by enlightenment?  What we learn about ourselves from the experience?

[once removed]

Once removed -- I was "Amen Brother" up until your last statement.  "... .there's nothing to stop it from happening again short of us avoiding relationships" Why the all or none response?

specifically, i mean if there are people walking around that wield that sort of power over us. if bad relationships simply happen to us. if we can come in contact with someone and "become addicted". if thats the case, what lesson is to be learned? what good would learning about ourselves or "taking responsibility" do?

sometimes the takeaway is, for example "all i have to do is go NC, cut contact, and i will heal", which is akin to "all i have to do is detox, avoid the bottle, and i will heal".

following the addiction metaphor, if im an addict, i dont want to hide in my home for the rest of my life fearing and avoiding the bottle. i want to be able to go into that bar with my friends, be around the bottle, cope, and stick to that glass of water 

[heartandwhole]

I wouldn't say it was addiction for me, either. I think Chynna's "levels of enlightenment" reference is spot on, at least in how I perceive the meaning.

Depending on our own psychological fitness, so to speak, we are going to experience these kinds of relationships in different ways. An addiction to me is all about relieving/avoiding pain. I don't think a typical "honeymoon" phase when falling in love is about that.

I also agree with once removed that the ending of a relationship can definitely evoke withdrawal symptoms. And in a relationship with someone with BPD, I can see that during the relationship, there can be elements that trigger addictive-type behavior, and the breakups can feel much more difficult to get through, but the relationship itself? I think it would be too simplistic to say it's an addiction.

heartandwhole

 

[Skip]

I also agree with once removed that the ending of a relationship can definitely evoke withdrawal symptoms.

I see this too. There article quoted above has actually seen brain activity to substantiate it.

But beyond, what have got?

Which addiction recovery model parallel  the recovery process we must pass through?  And, isn't that what we are really looking for in the healing process.

[Chynna]

Seenowayout, (hi) sometimes it's so hard to get your point across using the words but they're all we have here... .enlightenment -hmmm - it's not even your ideals; it has to do, I guess, a little with spirituality and who you are deep inside and levels of understanding... .~ Chynna

[Seenowayout]

Chynna -- yes, for me "enlighten-ment" has at it's root an active verb -- enlighten -- it's a continuous process of brightening, gaining more focus, higher levels of understanding.  We've all learned so much from these experiences, and whether we use addiction as a metaphor or as a literal term, our reaction to what happened has hopefully strengthened and "enlightened" us, not made us more bitter, "endarkened", solitary.

[Chynna]

Yes, here we all are... .I can only speak for myself: had I known about BPD, I doubt I would be here. Healing surely is a process and a means to enlightenment. 

[Jeffree]

I can only speak for myself: had I known about BPD, I doubt I would be here.

I was about to say something similar in that regard.

I really doubt that if anyone here was told beforehand what the entire scope of their relationship with a pwBPD would look like, they say "sign me up!"

The beginning often looks like what we've been told time and time again true love is supposed to look like. Think Sleepless in Seattle. Many of us were good there. Even if our relationship was built on a potentially faulty foundation like a huge age difference or cultural difference or "class" difference, or long distance, we still managed to have an oceanic beginning with the promise of a wonderful middle and end.

But then things turn bad and the next thing you know you're living with a Fatal Attraction character. Perhaps then you might already be in love and have a strong affliction for the person, the family and friends you've built together, making it all the more difficult to separate or quit the so-called "addiction."

I don't know. I think addiction is an ugly word in this case because of the connotation. Would preoccupation be a better one? Obsession? Fantasy? I think it comes down to the intent, and I don't think anyone intentionally set out to embroil themselves in a BPD relationship. Even if you're a masochist, that's not necessarily an addiction. It's a preference.

J

[Cromwell]

This is certainly one common theme; these relationships were "addictions".

I know a lot of us use the term addiction, but I'd be careful with taking the metaphor or analogy too far.

The idea that these relationships were actual and real addictions falls apart in a lot of way. An addition is often an escape. I don't sense from what members write about that their relationships were escapes.

I hadnt really thought about it from that perspective but in my own time with her, I met her during a period of crisis and I think I could equate quite a lot of being part of the drama took my mind away from the situation I was in so in that sense it was an escape. Then whenever we would be apart I would crave her attention and those good feelings she was able to induce in me. This chasing after that became an addiction.

without trying to get into semantics or try to define things at an academic level as to whether it was a real addiction, I could equate my time with her as suffering intense "withdrawl" feelings when she would hold back affection. This is not the same as in my other relationships, the normal feelings of missing someone you feel strongly about and want to enjoy more time with it really was an overwhelming feeling of needing someone. Which for the rest of my life was very out of character, being a very resourceful and independent minded person taking responsibility since a young age. In contrast to how i was behaving I was always someone who got uncomfortable and have ended relationships when the other started to get too clingy.

yes it was like a drug addiction with the associated heavy psychological withdrawls. it was harmful to me but the reward system like any other addiction was strong and kept me hooked. to be specific, the infactuation physically but equally emotionally. The kind of person who can be so good at manipulating have to also be highly emphatic aswell and she knew how to behave in a way that gave me the feeling of connectedness, trust and I think one of the strongest pulls was how she made herself feel needy to me which gave me the feeling of being a strong person that despite the hard times I was going through I was able to help someone else.

A very dangerous illusion in my own mind, but comforting all the same, when in reality I was in no position to do such a thing as rescue other people despite the noble intention and the way it made me feel better about myself.

it was only as time went on and I got more run down, her facade started to slip, that I realised I was hooked on a powerful addiction that I now had to find someway to detox from.

I think maybe addiction to BPD is an analogy at least i think it was in my case.

Cromwell