I've gathered my strenght and I'm ready to move on

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

    It's been 2 and half months since she left me and painted black(2.5y relation). I've suffered a lot all this time... finding out about her "just friends" that turned into sexual partners(and for the love of God... they are so many in such a short time), her insults trown at me(both directly and indirectly), and the biggest pain of all-realizing her love was fake, that she manipulated me and discarded me.
  I mean nothing to her and now i see it clearly. I'm just a dose of attention, a way of filling the void in her; a void that will never be filled by anyone. I've belived the lie of "i tought it's something between me and the other guy, but know i know you are the one. lets get back together" for 2 times... there won't be a 3rd time. I'm not that foolish.
  I'm tired of her charming and that false hope of "i might have something for you". For the first months all i did was starve myself and drink untill i've passed. She didn't deserved me then and she will never will. She tried to "give me a chance as a friend", but behind my back she insulted me to everyone. I'm ready this time to take the last staff from her/our house and start a real NoContact.
   I had enough of her "how are you doing? i care about you" mesages that are ment to manipulate me. I had enough of her cold and calculated hatred that she uses to control me and keep me clinged. She kept finding reasons to post-phoned my last visit to the house and for stupid reasons I've accepted. No more!

  Funny and sad at the same time how 5 months ago we were trying for a child. I feel like the universe protected me from this thing. I do belive in karma and I see myself as a kind and good guy. This was the biggest reward I've received my entire life. I feel blessed and motivated to continue my road in life knowing that something or someone takes care of me.
   
  All this suffering, all the harm i've done to myself trough drinking, starving and nights... months without sleep. Something as fake as her and her love doesn't deserve it. I feel ready to face both faces once I will tell her that we will go fully NC, the face of someone who doesn't care and has no feelings at all and the face of the child that will be abandoned. I'm ready to face the pain that comes with this decission, but i'll rather suffer for a while than my entire life. I am angry at myself for beeing so blind and foolish, and it's the anger that motives me. It motivates me to be a better man and search for what i deserve.I don't know if I too weak for bailing her or if my weaknes kept me clinging. I don't care about this right now, I just want my hapines.
  I wanna rise from the pile of dirt she put me, and I will.

  I wanna thank you all from this forum for being here for me. I was lost, lonely and sad and your suport kept me alive in my darkest moments. You are all wonderful people and I feel lucky for talking with all of you.

[randomuser94]

    It's been 2 and half months since she left me and painted black(2.5y relation). I've suffered a lot all this time... finding out about her "just friends" that turned into sexual partners(and for the love of God... they are so many in such a short time), her insults trown at me(both directly and indirectly), and the biggest pain of all-realizing her love was fake, that she manipulated me and discarded me.
  I mean nothing to her and now i see it clearly. I'm just a dose of attention, a way of filling the void in her; a void that will never be filled by anyone. I've belived the lie of "i tought it's something between me and the other guy, but know i know you are the one. lets get back together" for 2 times... there won't be a 3rd time. I'm not that foolish.
  I'm tired of her charming and that false hope of "i might have something for you". For the first months all i did was starve myself and drink untill i've passed. She didn't deserved me then and she will never will. She tried to "give me a chance as a friend", but behind my back she insulted me to everyone. I'm ready this time to take the last staff from her/our house and start a real NoContact.
   I had enough of her "how are you doing? i care about you" mesages that are ment to manipulate me. I had enough of her cold and calculated hatred that she uses to control me and keep me clinged. She kept finding reasons to post-phoned my last visit to the house and for stupid reasons I've accepted. No more!

  Funny and sad at the same time how 5 months ago we were trying for a child. I feel like the universe protected me from this thing. I do belive in karma and I see myself as a kind and good guy. This was the biggest reward I've received my entire life. I feel blessed and motivated to continue my road in life knowing that something or someone takes care of me.
   
  All this suffering, all the harm i've done to myself trough drinking, starving and nights... months without sleep. Something as fake as her and her love doesn't deserve it. I feel ready to face both faces once I will tell her that we will go fully NC, the face of someone who doesn't care and has no feelings at all and the face of the child that will be abandoned. I'm ready to face the pain that comes with this decission, but i'll rather suffer for a while than my entire life. I am angry at myself for beeing so blind and foolish, and it's the anger that motives me. It motivates me to be a better man and search for what i deserve.I don't know if I too weak for bailing her or if my weaknes kept me clinging. I don't care about this right now, I just want my hapines.
  I wanna rise from the pile of dirt she put me, and I will.

  I wanna thank you all from this forum for being here for me. I was lost, lonely and sad and your suport kept me alive in my darkest moments. You are all wonderful people and I feel lucky for talking with all of you.

[Mutt]

Hi randomuser94,

Im sorry that you’re going through this if you were planning to have a baby together she meant a lot to you and I completely understand how painful it is when a owBPD leaves you without warning and takes away your future dreams. You have the right idea with channeling your anger for your own good this is just a suggestion your goal could be be the version of yourself make her jealous for letting a catch like you go. Do you work out?

[dumpsterdog]

i feel you pain... .it sucks... i know... .all you can do is move on... i have tried also... .there is a woman who currently treats me lke a king and is a great friend, and would be a great mate... but i cant move forward with her because i still think about my BPD ex every day... its not fair. its not right... but it is what it is... .just know you arent the only one desroyed by a BPD woman.i pray you find peace... .you and i both will never get that peace from the BPD ex though, because any cojntact they have is just to make sure you are still on deck in case her other men fall through , which they will... .god bless us both.

[randomuser94]

Hi randomuser94,

Im sorry that you’re going through this if you were planning to have a baby together she meant a lot to you and I completely understand how painful it is when a owBPD leaves you without warning and takes away your future dreams. You have the right idea with channeling your anger for your own good this is just a suggestion your goal could be be the version of yourself make her jealous for letting a catch like you go. Do you work out?

I've started working out. I'm using my anger to motivate me into becoming a better version of myself, but not FOR her.I'm investing money into my body, my health and appearance. It makes me feel good again, it gives me confidence.
  She will never get me back.I can see clearly trough her mask and games.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi random,

I hear so much of my past pain in your post.  I know just how hard it is to make that decision to let go and I want you to know I recognise the strength it takes to walk away.  We are here with you and will walk with you on this journey to future you.  A future you who has not only survived but is thriving.  It's tough to make things final in your heart and mind, then to take the first steps towards fully detaching and healing, but as you've come to realise, so worth it.  You are worth it. 

Love and light x