Advise wanted, first real meeting after almost a year

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I've explained my story when I introduced myself.

My BPD female friend and I have been in slow contact since November after more than 6 months of NC. Our contact was very intense, very typical, but not intimate, still kind of romantic. I do not intend such an intimate rs, nor does she. We're both in long time rs, me in marrigae with a great wife.

We might meet next week on Frday or Saturday the 23rd or 24th of March.

She never talked to me about her BPD yet, she knows that I know a lot by now. She knows I've read very very much on PD and BPD in the last months.
So far, she was not able to open up to me, I think she has trouble with herself a lot and might also be ashamed.

If we in fact meet (for dinner or a few drinks), what would be the best way to start communicating again without triggering anything from her past?

I've told her a few times that I won't ask any questions if she's not up for it.

Thanks

[MyBPD_friend]

Hi, I've explained my story when I introduced myself.

My BPD female friend and I have been in slow contact since November after more than 6 months of NC. Our contact was very intense, very typical, but not intimate, still kind of romantic. I do not intend such an intimate rs, nor does she. We're both in long time rs, me in marrigae with a great wife.

We might meet next week on Frday or Saturday the 23rd or 24th of March.

She never talked to me about her BPD yet, she knows that I know a lot by now. She knows I've read very very much on PD and BPD in the last months.
So far, she was not able to open up to me, I think she has trouble with herself a lot and might also be ashamed.

If we in fact meet (for dinner or a few drinks), what would be the best way to start communicating again without triggering anything from her past?

I've told her a few times that I won't ask any questions if she's not up for it.

Thanks

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[Mutt]

Hi MyBPD_friend,

If we in fact meet (for dinner or a few drinks), what would be the best way to start communicating again without triggering anything from her past?

To address your question about triggering her as long as you're not invalidating her, have you had a chance to take a look at the validation under basic tools and lesson 3 on the right side?  Are you worried that you're not going to hear from her after your meeting?

[MyBPD_friend]

Hi MyBPD_friend,

To address your question about triggering her as long as you're not invalidating her, have you had a chance to take a look at the validation under basic tools and lesson 3 on the right side?   Are you worried that you're not going to hear from her after your meeting?

Hi Mutt,

Thanks for the links and advices in there, it's a lot to read until next Friday.

I'm not sure what she's up to. Last time, four weeks ago, she called me directly after she got my SMS to make sure to respond directly. She got my long letter (see the letter writing treat) in which I complained a lot about her ST and NC and abusive behaviour.
In our call she said she wanted to stay in contact with me.

Anyway, I'm not sure if she has the energy and power to meet me again in a planned setting (restaurant, bar or simular) as she seems not to be able to make a date a week ahead of time. I'll send her an SMS the day before I get there.
She starts thinking constantly prior a get together and that makes her very nervous and causes headaches.

If we meet, I'm sure the game will continue just like in the past, slow or almost no contact.
I want to meet her to enable me to make a possible decision to say good bye for good after we met. It all depends what and how we talk. if she keeps completely closed, I might just say good bye to her.

Difficult thing anyway

[Mutt]

She starts thinking constantly prior a get together and that makes her very nervous and causes headaches.

If we meet, I'm sure the game will continue just like in the past, slow or almost no contact.

It is difficult. It sounds like she has anxiety, anxiety can make a public setting feel insurmountable for example and in that same context it can undermine your capacity to cope with it. She's probably ruminating days before the get together that has to be tough, I understand that it is frustrating that you can't get a get-together organised her anxiety is not personal to you it's something that she's going through.

[MyBPD_friend]

It is difficult. It sounds like she has anxiety, anxiety can make a public setting feel insurmountable for example and in that same context it can undermine your capacity to cope with it. She's probably ruminating days before the get together that has to be tough, I understand that it is frustrating that you can't get a get-together organised her anxiety is not personal to you it's something that she's going through.

Hi  Mutt, Thank you for your message.
Yes you're right about the anxiety.  Last may we had a  dinner date and she canceled the last hour , I  saw her anyway. The date was set a week ahead.

I 'm  sure she will ask me to come to her house instead of a restaurant. But I don't want that. She lives with her bf and I want to respect his privacy and home. I already stayed Overnight in the guest room twice last spring. He has trouble too, smoking drugs, probably because of her and the rs.
Lasr year she stated a few times she could leave him with no problems,  a minute later she said she loves him and want to try again to have a baby.

I  don't know how to set a meeting with her properly.
Any advise?

[MyBPD_friend]

Mutt,
Something else. She has also big problems with self image. She very beautiful but can't see that.
In my letter a few weeks ago I told her that she has pretty eyes and that she is a very beautiful woman.
A few days later she deleted her LinkedIn picture.
Strange to understand all this.