New Member: Split up 6 months ago, looking for advice regarding my exs behavior

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all. Me and my wife split up 6 months ago. I am looking for advice/knowledge with regards to my exes behaviour before and after the split. I'm unsure if she is BPD although this is where my thoughts have been heading. Would this be the correct forum to post my "story"?.
Thanks.

Longterm.

PS, it is quite a story that spans 20yrs.

[Longterm]

Hi all. Me and my wife split up 6 months ago. I am looking for advice/knowledge with regards to my exes behaviour before and after the split. I'm unsure if she is BPD although this is where my thoughts have been heading. Would this be the correct forum to post my "story"?.
Thanks.

Longterm.

PS, it is quite a story that spans 20yrs.

[JNChell]

 
Hi Longterm! Welcome to bpdfamily! I’m sorry for the reasons that you’ve found us, but glad that you’re here. These relationships can leave us confused, conflicted and reeling. You’ll find great support here.

It sounds like you’re ready, so can you tell us how you’re feeling about splitting up with your significant other? Members find this site in many different stages of their experience with their significant others. Some of us are barely hanging on, and some of us are just looking for answers and advice when we arrive. The great thing is that we all help each other here. As you spend time here, you’ll feel the synergy of how sharing = helping with all of our stories and situations. Feel free to tell your’s here. Welcome, Longterm.

[Harley Quinn]

I'd like to join JNChell in welcoming you.  You're definitely in the right place if what you've experienced has led you to us.  Yes, it would be great to hear your story.  We're listening and this is a safe space to share.  Everyone here has experience of disordered behaviour and the emotional impact that has on ourselves as partners.  

20 years is a long time.  I'm curious to know what triggered the search for answers.

Love and light x  

[space261083]

Thank you both for the warm welcome. I am the OP, I created a new account because the site failed to recognise my password and would not send a P/W recovery email for some reason. But anyway a new acc has solved the issue.
I will post my story in an hour or so, but be warned, it is crazy.

[space261083]

Right ok here goes.

Me and my wife were together for 20 years, married for 13.
I am going to begin by saying a bit about our childhoods as I feel there is relevance.

I am the youngest of 4 boys. Our father was an alcoholic and died when I was very young. My mother was left bringing us up and suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. She was an amazing woman, we all loved her very much and respected how hard life was for her. She sadly died 12 years ago, literally overnight. She did remarry and my stepdad was a great guy, he sadly past 4yrs ago too. I am 34 and have been to 18 funerals, our family has been decimated by death. Me and my brothers are our families elders.

My wife will always say she had a fairly normal childhood. Parents both work, own their own house etc. I have a lot of love for her parents, they have helped me a lot and I don't want to come across as though I am badmouthing them but they far from what I now perceive as normal.
Her mom wears the trousers, her dads a doormat.
My wife is the youngest of 3 and was only conceived because her dad wanted another child. She spent most of her time with her dad. She says her mom did the basics of parenting but never showed her any love, she does not recall her mom ever telling her she loved her. Her sister has told me that her experience was the same. Both stunningly beautiful women, both liars and cheats, both selfish and dysfunctional in their behaviour.

It all started 20 years ago. She got pregnant and we had our daughter. She then stopped using birth control without telling me and was soon pregnant again. As soon as my eldest son was born she completely ignored my daughter and treated her with resentment. She then fell pregnant yet again due to not using birth control again and my eldest son was also instantly casted out too. I was 18 with 3 children. I felt obligated to stay around even though it wasn't necessarily what I wanted because I loved her. We got married and it was a complete disaster. She would sabotage my alarm clock so I would lose jobs as she wanted me at home. I would do everything, cook clean etc. This whole time she was constantly cheating on me. 5 months after we wed I left. She was instantly in a new relationship, thought she was pregnant and planning on moving this new man in. After that I decided to move on and met a new girl. When my wife found out she instantly dumped her bf and set about destroying my new relationship. It worked. One day she wanted to see me so I went to her house. She instantly broke down and said she wanted me back. I left and returned to my mothers not quite believing what I had just heard. To my surprise my mom told me to go back to my kids because they need me. I was stunned but went back, I told my wife I was only there for the kids. She said she understood what she did wrong and that she now enjoyed being a mother, and would make me fall in love with her again, I did.
She had post natal depression with the first 3. When our youngest was born a few years later she wasn't depressed but again the child that came before was rejected. She only currently has a good relationship with the youngest, the 3 eldest don't like her very much.
I "believed" we had around 10 good years. Throughout this period she has had bouts of depression but I have always fixed her by getting her on meds to sort her out. The depression always stems from the same thing, her not wanting to look after kids and wanting to be free of them. She would never admit this but trust me its true, further words will back this up. When my eldest was around 12 she started difficult behaviour, not towards me but towards her mother, they have never had a very good relationship. My daughter had a chat with me a few months back as it began obvious she was exploring her relationship with her mom. She showed me an article she found online called "unloving mothers". It pretty much describes their relationship.
Anyway, after my daughter calmed a bit my eldest son was told by his nan that his mom was thinking about aborting him and she was going to look after him, this created a huge s### storm. My son started to become violent towards his mother. He currently lives with his nan. We fell out because I would not allow his to behave the way he did and we had several altercations involving police being called. He even pulled a knife on me one day. His hatred towards women besides his nan is obvious.
Before my son moved out my wife was at college and began an emotional affair with another married woman. About 2 years previous to this she kept on saying she was really unhappy but did not know why as relatively speaking we were very close and our marriage was very strong in my belief.
She moved to her sisters for a while with the kids and completely turned on me. The kids came back 1 by 1 and eventually she did too saying how sorry she was and she was just stressed out. We got back together and eventually my son became too dangerous to have round the other kids and he went to live with his nan. I thought my wife would then become more happier, I was wrong. She began smoking a lot of weed and became very secretive. I was working nights and still do. My daughter told me she caught my wife talking to random people online having virtual BDSM sex. She was skyping people too and had bought sex toys she hid from me, god knows what was happening when I was at work. I could not handle this break in trust and began drinking heavily when not at work. Our marriage was never the same.
Last year she suddenly announced she was moving to a new house, taking the kids and I was not welcome. Honestly at this point I couldn't care less. 3 days later I moved to a new place. 3 hours after I moved she messaged me saying she had made a huge mistake and was going to do something"stupid". I contacted her family who went to see her. They said she was fine. I remained in my new place for 6 weeks. She would not leave me alone. I moved into her new property, she treated me great for 2 weeks then continued treating me like crap. She mentioned that she thought I would fight for her when she announced she was leaving? Strange.
Anyway this continued for 4 months with me increasingly feeling unwanted. I asked several times if she wanted to be with me and she always said yes then one day said no. I told her I would be gone the end of the week.
I moved Friday, that night she was messaging my friend from work asking him for sex. The following saturday she had a new boyfriend. 1 week after that he moved in. I was like really?
She said she wanted a divorce but wanted to remain friends. I initially agreed but text her 2 days later stating friendship was not going to work for me and wished her future happiness. From then on I have been portrayed as the devil. I have ruined her life, I have beat her up, I never gave her money (she had all my wages every week), I constantly cheated on her throughout our marriage, I am messed up because of my childhood, I am an alcoholic like my dad. To summarise, I am that gooey stuff that often finds itself on the bottom of your shoe.
I am not perfect by any means, but I also am not what she says I am. I worked damn hard for my family and do not deserve to be treated like this.
Since our split she has financially crippled me and regularly stops me seeing my boys. My daughter lives with me and my 2nd eldest son also wants to, he is most welcome and so is my youngest.
A week before we split I got myself into alcohol recovery and counselling. I was told that I'm not an alcoholic but drink for stress. I have not touched alcohol for 6 months and don't wish to drink. My counsellor told me I have been in a very unhealthy relationship for a very long time, that I have severe anxiety and that I need to stay away from this woman for my own sanity.
In general I have become more productive but I am also still a bit of a mess.
My ex is evidently self destructing and has no regards for anybody's feelings even those of her children. 3/4 do not want to live with her. Yet she cant shut up about how much happier she is now.

The dysfunctional behaviour of the past 20 years is:
Inability to hold down a job or college
No friends
Becomes bored very easily
Will not take responsibility for anything
Always blames others
Lying
Cheating
Lack of empathy
Nice when she wants something

I could write a book, seriously.
Like I said, I asked if she wanted to be with me, she said no. I have no understanding of where the anger towards me comes from.

There is soo much I have missed out, please ask away regarding her behaviour towards me and the children. I want to rebuild my life and hopefully get all the kids away from her. Any advice would be great and also if you think she is BPD? This is why I said ask away because I genuinely believe she is emotionally dysfunctional and I think she was before I met her.
Thanks.

[Mutt]

Hi space261083,



I'd like to join the others and welcome you to bpdfamily having a friend move in when your moving out of your home has to hurt. Many of us are anxious when we arrive here and have a lot to get off of our chests because you can't turn to anyone in real life for help. Family and friends mean well but unless you have been in a r/s with a pwBPD it's hard to empathise with that person and most will giveou advice that would work if you were in a r/s with a non.

I think that you're in the right place this is safe place where you can share your thoughts and feelings without being invalidated writing down your experiences and talking to other members that can relate with you is therapueatic. Also this is the right place if you want to rebuild.

I can relate with being in a smear campaing I was told that I was emotionally, financially and physically abusive to my ex and the kids it's a lot of stress when you're under an emotional barrage from your expwBPD. Have you lost friends because of her distortions? How are your kids?

[space261083]

Hi there.
I can really relate with what you send regarding people not understanding.
My wife is the nicest person you could ever meet but behind closed doors she is a different person. She is very very quick to anger, I have spent 20yrs trying to keep her calm and happy. Looking back it was ridiculous.
The last 18 months of my marriage took a massive emotional toll on me, I stopped caring after the trust was gone and I think she sensed that I had had enough.
A typical week went like this.
Monday I would take my son to school and do my own shopping for food for work. I would pick my son up from school and get ready for my night shift. I would get home at 5:30am and go to bed. My anxiety was through the roof and I would be unable to sleep until after 9 when she left the house, I would pretend I was asleep. I could not sleep because there were many times I would get woken up by her shouting about random stuff. Everyday I woke up soaking wet then would go to work. Friday morning I would take my son to school and would then do whatever my wife wanted to do, I would pick him up and would eventually sleep around 6pm then work Saturday morning.
My weekend comprised of doing whatever I had to for peace and quiet. She would rarely leave the house and I would run around like a headless chicken, shopping etc. Towards the end I could not stand to be around her and would make up excuses to leave the house.
I always felt like it was a one way relationship and felt all the time that the marriage would end once I stopped caring, this gradually happened and I think she knew it.
I think you have gotten a bit confused, the guy she moved in was not my friend from work but a random guy she met, quite literally the first guy that showed her attention. At the time she was very sure of herself, saying how everything was my fault and that she was putting herself first now. Her family was very supportive of her at first and shunned me. This situation has dramatically changed. Her erratic behaviour has become very apparent to them as she is clearly not concerned with the interests of the children. My son broke down to me one saturday about a month after the new guy moved in. I told him there was nothing I could do and he needs to communicate his feelings to his mother. He was made to feel like he was affecting her happiness and was told to get on with it. I mean that's incredibly selfish and not normal is it?
This is the recurring theme here, selfishness. I never saw it before but it has always been about making her happy, those around her are responsible for this. My son has told me several times how he feels like his mom does not care about him. He is constantly shouted at and really does not like her anymore, he bad mouths her all the time and refers to her as a mess.
My youngest son has my best relationship with his mom but there has been signs lately that they are becoming conflicted. He is starting to back answer her, he never did this before. My eldest son is still at his nans but blames his mom for destroying our family. My wife initially cosied up to him telling him that his bad behaviour was all my fault. This new relationship did not last long and they are back to being at loggerheads. My daughter is in total NC with her mom atm and wants to stay that way. As I have stated, I have "mommy" issues and I know what its like to lose one. When me and my daughter first moved I encouraged her to build bridges with her mom. They have never had a good relationship. About 3 weeks after we moved my daughter was invited to her moms with other family so she could "show off" her new boyfriend. She ended up staying with her mom for a month. Her mom turned her against me with the lies and got her smoking weed with her. This culminated in my daughter getting kicked out of the house because her moms new boyfriend didn't want her there. Who chooses a guy you have known for 5 minutes over your own child? It is simply not normal.
My daughter said that her mom was overly nice towards her for around a week and then reverted to old patterns. She said she's is trying to prove to the world that she is justified in destroying our family by acting extremely happy but its all a facade. My daughter and my son have stated that she is clearly not happy and has completely gone over the edge. She is smoking weed all day now and regularly drinks in the week, she barely drank before.
My daughter is back with me now and I am doing my best with helping her. Her relationship with her mom is worse than it has ever been, I have made a promise to myself that I will no longer be trying to fix this relationship. Her mom had a golden opportunity since I left to show the world that everything was indeed my fault, this has not happened and has led to her having several fall outs with her family who simply cannot understand how someone could treat her own children in this way.
My daughter is in an apprenticeship now and she is very confused about her moms behaviour towards her. I can only set her a good example and that is what I am doing. I am trying to get her into therapy but she does not feel like she needs it, I disagree. I will keep pushing.
My wife has tripped over her many lies and her own mother has urged me to seek custody of the children. I feel for them I really do and I want to make it very clear that they are my priority right now. The first four months post break up was horrendous and i was no use to anybody, I was in shock I guess but I am waking up now and see my wife in a very different light.
Thing is though, I love this woman deeply. Even after everything she has done, I still love her. What in gods name is that all about? She has destroyed everbodys life and I still am very worried about her and want to help her, that is something I need to address on a personal level. I simply do not know what a healthy relationship should be like.

So yes, that pretty much sums up the kids right now although the problems are ongoing. I have not seen or spoke on the phone to my wife since November. I chose my MIL as a third party to relay necessary information. This became very strained for her and the kids as she would pass on messages to them. I was advised to setup direct contact with my ex via email and have done so. Things have become interesting since then. I will only discuss 3 things. Child maintenance, the kids and divorce.
I pay maintenance Saturdays and she recently stated she wanted it Fridays. I simply cannot do this. She has since threatened to phone CSA to make me make payments Fridays. I have had enough and phoned them myself. I have organised a payment schedule to be paid monthly on the first. I emailed her the details. This Friday she emailed to ask if I was paying today, I did not respond, she knows the answer. She asked again Saturday and used my son to also ask me for cash stating she had no food. I specifically said I did not want the children being used like this. She emailed again last night saying if she is not paid double next Friday then she will be contacting CSA and will stop my boys seeing me.
I mean how does one deal with this crap? She knows I cant pay Fridays, she knows I have contacted CSA and she knows she is not being payed maintenance until the 1st. You simply cannot have a discussion with someone who does not want to listen. He mom said there is simply no talking to her, she will simply use whatever tools she has to hurt me and get her own way, which unfortunately means the children are used. This is not healthy thought patterns. She would badmouth mothers who did this in the past.
The children are not stupid though. A few weeks back she tried to stop them seeing me. My eldest (who lives with her) simply walked out the house and came to mine. My wife phoned my daughter telling her my youngest does not wish to see me anymore and would not be visiting again. I did not show it but this really upset me all week at work. The following weekend my youngest showed up and I took him to one side and told him I loved him and what he said had upset me. He did not have a clue what I was talking about, he said he never said those things. So I asked why he never visited the week before, he said "I wanted to but mom wouldn't let me". I was left scratching my head at this point.
I am rambling on a bit but I hope this explains how the kids are.

[space261083]

I forgot to mention that the 3 eldest are all diagnosed as having anxiety.
I have lost friends because of her yes, if she does not like the look of somebody that's pretty much that.

[space261083]

Another email said "can you not ignore me, I asked you a question"
Of course I did not respond as she knows the answer to the question but this email really got me thinking.

"can you not ignore me"

Is this her attention seeking? I'm guessing she does not like being ignored but what's the point in having the whole conversation again.

"I asked you a question"

In my opinion she is demanding my time here. Again I find it pointless to respond.

I arranged to meet my son last Friday as he wanted some extra cash for a xbox game. The kids have extras from me all the time. I really don't mind as I know she spends the child maintenance at the pub with her bf. Long story but the new guy is really no good for her. He drinks/smokes daily, has no job and is not a good role model.
Anyway, I told me son I would email at 7am to make sure he was ready. He emailed me back at 8:15 saying his mom had banned him off the internet and he was at his nans. I told him it was too late and to mail after school to rearrange our meet. He was fine with that and we wished each other a good day.
My wife emailed half hour later accusing me of always letting the kids down and its not fair on them?
I have never let them down? And he was not upset but she said he was?
After how she has no regard to their feelings I find this laughable. I feel like it is anything to make me look bad. I felt like if I wanted to continue to talk to her I could have but ended it without a reply.
Also I have stated I want a divorce, any attempts at me discussing this with her like how we arrange paying for it are simply ignored by her. I do not understand this? Is she trying to force attention out of me? Because there has been non, I have simply done my best to ignore her. The last 2 times I saw her we did not need to see one another, she chose to be there. Why do that? I do not understand. With regards to divorce, she has made her choices, why not discuss it with me and get it over with. I personally feel like I need to wrap everything up as I do better when I don't communicate with her. I will explain this a little.
This is going to sound crazy. This woman scares the crap out of me, not physically but mentally. Since I left my night sweats instantly stopped.
When she emailed last Friday my chest tightened and I was instantly stressed out. I slept 3 hours that night and woke up soaking wet. This got better through the week but this Friday and Saturday the same thing happened, all stemming from contact with her.
This is definitely not normal but I have no idea how to even begin to overcome this mental perception of her.
I believe she has emotionally damaged me and I have no idea how to fix this but its imperative that I do for the sake of the children.

I understand that I am rambling on asking many questions, this is because I am confused about what has happened and how to move forward and rebuild in a functional manner. All I have ever wanted is for us all to be a happy family, just because my wife has opted out does not mean this goal has changed.

[wellwellwell]

Hello, Space261083. Welcome! Ramble away The characteristics of my long marriage to my BPD partner were turbulence and volatility. So, you're in safe company, and share whatever you need to. Now, as then, I find that trying to 'explain' what happens always involves long stories, because you've got to nail down the detail to explain just how strange it was and head off people dismissing things as 'just marital arguments' or 'bad patches'.

Regarding diagnosis and exactly whether someone is BPD, one interesting suggestion the therapist who pulled me out of the fire had was to set any diagnosis aside and just say 'is this behavior acceptable?' That was a really easy question to answer in the negative. It helped me drawn a line between what the 'reality' was and what was a safe environment for me. That was the beginning of a long journey out of the fog.

[juju2]

Hi,

I read your story, I have compassion.

During my 10 yr r/s w pwBPD, I was very co dependent.  I see that now.  we are separated.

I was not healthy.

Am working on myself.  It's great, because it gives me freedom, I do not HAVE to react.

It has been a painful journey, and we'll worth it.

When I see myself reacting, obsessively thinking about him, making up stories about him, those are my red flags to take excellent self care of me.

The only person I have power over is me.

When I get down to core issues w me, I can rely on myself, I have confidence, belief in myself, and am present to anything is possible!

Blessings, j

[JNChell]

Space261083

This is why I said ask away because I genuinely believe she is emotionally dysfunctional and I think she was before I met her.

I would have to agree with you on this. One big hurdle that I’ve had to get over was allowing her to make me believe that I was responsible for her dysfunction and behavior. It is simply who she is. I can relate to how hurtful and mindbending it is to have these false accusations thrown about. The smear campaigns and the gas lighting. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to learn to be a Thriver. My T has told me that once we reach this point that, there is no going back, and I believe her. I find a lot of hope in her words.

Is your ex BPD? We aren’t able to diagnose her here. That would take a lengthy amount of time with face to face interaction with a trained professional to determine, but her actions and behaviors are characteristic of the disorder. I’d like to echo what wellwellwell has conveyed about not focusing on a label. Simply ask yourself ”How do I feel about the way she has treated me and our children, and how has her behavior affected me and our children “?. This is hard stuff and it’s painful. We empathize with you, and we hear you.

[space261083]

Hi there, I completely understand what your saying. Its not acceptable is it, neither for me or my children. What "woke" me from my slumber was learning that I need to accept what is. I have no control over how myself or the children are treated, I never will either. I can only concentrate on what I can control and that's me and how I allow her to make me feel. Looks great on paper but implementing it is extremely difficult. This is something that is going to take a very long time but is necessary.

[space261083]

You are correct here, it is hard and painful stuff. I feel like I have failed in protecting my children from her. I always believed that if I did this or that then she would be happy, what I failed to realize is that its not my job to make her happy. Her dysfunctional behaviour baffles me. Especially the past 2 years. I think I was the calming influence and as I gradually started to have enough her true self came to the surface more.
I just saw my wife's brother and he said my ex has pretty much cut off her whole family. I personally think she will avoid anybody that will try and talk some sense into her, is this normal in BPD cases? She only interacts with her mom when she wants money. I mean why cut off your own family? They have done nothing but support her split from the "monster" husband. Is it because they see through her crap now. He said its like she has changed and is a completely different person.
Its just crazy, I cant comprehend any of it.
In cases like these, can anyone explain to me where her anger comes from?
I personally think she's angry at herself.

[Outdoors Girl]

Hi Space,

Welcome to the discussion boards.  I am so sorry you have endured this long, difficult journey.  Your statements about her going off birth control and conceiving children struck me.  Who does this?  Wow. 

It sounds like she essentially abandoned the kids and now struggles to have an adult relationship with them.

I might have missed this in your post, but do you have the opportunity to work with a T too?  Kudos to you for setting up boundaries.  That is so hard, but will allow you to heal.

I understand the pain and confusion when someone new is abruptly brought into the picture.  It is very unsettling.

It seems to bring some clarity for me to write it all down.  Has this helped you too?

Hang tough and keep writing!  Take care of yourself, it sounds like you are already doing better!

[JNChell]

I have no control over how myself or the children are treated, I never will either. I can only concentrate on what I can control and that's me and how I allow her to make me feel. Looks great on paper but implementing it is extremely difficult. This is something that is going to take a very long time but is necessary.

What you say here is true, and you should give yourself a lot of credit. It may not feel like it yet, but you are much further along in the detaching process than you may realize.

I personally think she will avoid anybody that will try and talk some sense into her, is this normal in BPD cases?

Yes, Space261083. She is likely experiencing a great deal of shame. The thing is, pwBPD are unable to practice introspect when it comes to their percieved shame. They go through life unable to face what ails them. They are simply unable to hold themselves accountable. Bluntly, they can’t and won’t “own their s**t”. If the other entity in a committed, life relationship can’t do that? It will fail over and over and over again. I allowed her to come back whenever she wanted/needed to for her own selfish needs. I finally turned inward. Why was I allowing this?

They have done nothing but support her split from the "monster" husband. Is it because they see through her crap now.

This is certainly possible. Poor souls with this affliction fear being exposed more than anything.You’re on to her, and her defensive/protective mode is triggered right now. If she is exposed for who she is, she may crumble, so be careful with that fact. You strike me as a very compassionate and thoughtful person. I also believe that one of your goals is to improve the situation with you and your children while being able to detach. This is difficult, but it is possible. You’re on the right path with this. I’d like to share some advice that I was given just last week. First responders, i.e., EMT’s, Firefighters, Police, etc. are trained to make sure that they are ok before going in to rescue people in trouble. If the first responder isn’t ok, how can they help a person in need? Your children need you right now.

I personally think she's angry at herself. This may also very well be true. pwBPD carry a great deal of guilt and shame. She may be avoiding her family because she is very dysfunctional at this time. She may not be able to keep it together around them at this point in time. Her biggest fear is being recognized for her mental health.

Does any of this make sense?

[wellwellwell]

I can only concentrate on what I can control and that's me and how I allow her to make me feel. Looks great on paper but implementing it is extremely difficult. This is something that is going to take a very long time but is necessary.

I hope you know how important it is that you can articulate this. It made me think 'yes!'. I want to say that won't take as long as you think, and the idea that it will take a long time will become less overwhelming. My experience is that, step by step, it becomes easier to make this part of my own life story, and that stops the 'Garbage Truck' thoughts of "I'll never escape this... .there's something wrong with me because it's taking so long".

I also want to second what JNChell wrote about BPDs and shame and guilt. It helped me to realize that, for all of the torment I was going through, I could regulate my emotions (i.e. rationalize them and manage them in some way, however small). Although I'm careful not to spend too much time engaged in how my ex might feel, I know that this is something she really, really struggled with in a way that I don't.

After years of managing the emotions of two people - slightly codependent but less so than most - just more self-neglecting - it took a while to learn how to just look after myself emotionally. My experience is that it's a skill, not just a cognitive understanding. Writing really helped me practice actually doing it. Hope this makes sense.

[space261083]

Hi Space,

Welcome to the discussion boards.  I am so sorry you have endured this long, difficult journey.  Your statements about her going off birth control and conceiving children struck me.  Who does this?  Wow. 

It sounds like she essentially abandoned the kids and now struggles to have an adult relationship with them.

I might have missed this in your post, but do you have the opportunity to work with a T too?  Kudos to you for setting up boundaries.  That is so hard, but will allow you to heal.

I understand the pain and confusion when someone new is abruptly brought into the picture.  It is very unsettling.

It seems to bring some clarity for me to write it all down.  Has this helped you too?

Hang tough and keep writing!  Take care of yourself, it sounds like you are already doing better!

Hi there.
She had a coil fitted and she just went to the doctors and had it removed. She had PND with the first 3 children so why keep putting yourself through that?
Yes she does struggle to have an adult relationship with them, it is odd. She is very cold and distant with them all the time, she is only nice to them when she wants something, that statement in itself is very distressing.
She simply does not want them, its crazy. I have said this too her in the past and she always says "no I do want them, I have just struggled with it".
They are just a burden for her and I believe that she thinks me and the children are the source of her unhappiness. She wanted a big family, she wanted marriage not me. I stuck around because it was the right thing to do and because I love her and the kids. The issues with this have always popped up every few years and I always got her help for depression at the docs and then she would be ok again for a few years then rinse repeat.
Does a T mean therapist? If so yes. My counsellor told me she was not qualified to help me and that I need more in-depth therapy to help me come to terms with what has happened. I am currently on a waiting list.
She advised me though as others have to stay away from this woman at all costs to protect myself.
I don't really hold anything against the new guy. I think its important to look at his actions too. Who in their right mind would go for a girl who just split up with her husband a week ago? He has no honour or moral compass, he is not even half the man I am. This is not me being big headed, this is me being honest. He is the same age as me, has no previous girlfriend, no job, smokes weed and drinks daily, he gets money by babysitting his sisters kids, she has a drug problem too. They were both abandoned as children as their father left. I went to school with this guy. He has achieved nothing in his life. Right now he has sex on tap, my wife buys him crates of beer each week and did i mention that he gives her zero money towards bills?
This guy is living in luxury . Her family don't like him and wish me and her were back together. She has massively lowered her standards here and claims to be extremely happy?
Yes I enjoy writing it all down, it makes me feel better.
And yes I am doing better, I was a mess until the new year. I almost lost my job several times, I am well payed for my area and this would have been a disaster. I was always the fixer in my marriage and I am getting my strength from helping the kids because making them happy makes me happy.
Thank you for your words.

[space261083]

I have no control over how myself or the children are treated, I never will either. I can only concentrate on what I can control and that's me and how I allow her to make me feel. Looks great on paper but implementing it is extremely difficult. This is something that is going to take a very long time but is necessary.

What you say here is true, and you should give yourself a lot of credit. It may not feel like it yet, but you are much further along in the detaching process than you may realize.

I personally think she will avoid anybody that will try and talk some sense into her, is this normal in BPD cases?

Yes, Space261083. She is likely experiencing a great deal of shame. The thing is, pwBPD are unable to practice introspect when it comes to their percieved shame. They go through life unable to face what ails them. They are simply unable to hold themselves accountable. Bluntly, they can’t and won’t “own their s**t”. If the other entity in a committed, life relationship can’t do that? It will fail over and over and over again. I allowed her to come back whenever she wanted/needed to for her own selfish needs. I finally turned inward. Why was I allowing this?

They have done nothing but support her split from the "monster" husband. Is it because they see through her crap now.

This is certainly possible. Poor souls with this affliction fear being exposed more than anything.You’re on to her, and her defensive/protective mode is triggered right now. If she is exposed for who she is, she may crumble, so be careful with that fact. You strike me as a very compassionate and thoughtful person. I also believe that one of your goals is to improve the situation with you and your children while being able to detach. This is difficult, but it is possible. You’re on the right path with this. I’d like to share some advice that I was given just last week. First responders, i.e., EMT’s, Firefighters, Police, etc. are trained to make sure that they are ok before going in to rescue people in trouble. If the first responder isn’t ok, how can they help a person in need? Your children need you right now.

I personally think she's angry at herself. This may also very well be true. pwBPD carry a great deal of guilt and shame. She may be avoiding her family because she is very dysfunctional at this time. She may not be able to keep it together around them at this point in time. Her biggest fear is being recognized for her mental health.

Does any of this make sense?

Hi there.
Yes, I do feel as though I am detaching, scary at fist but it is necessary I feel. It hurts like hell but I MUST do it.

What you said about shame is very interesting. She denies vehemently that this guy lives with her. She does not take him on the school run and her FB says single and has no pictures of them. I deactivated my fb months ago but others have told me this. He has been to her moms house once. She keeps him away from her family as much as possible in my opinion. She also keeps him from communicating with me, I know this. She has told this guy amazing lies about me and my daughter told me he said he would love to have a "chat" with me about how I have treated my wife. He has even said that he knows she is broken and what I have done to her is disgusting, he plans to "fix" her, sound familiar? She knows 110% that if this guy and me are ever face to face we will have this little "chat" and I will destroy her fantasy, it will all unravel. This is why I believe she does not integrate him with her family. We have all known each other for 20 years, they all know what I am but more importantly what I am not. I see it all as a big game that will end at this guys expense.
It funny what you said about "poor souls". I do not know why but I have no anger towards her, only sympathy. I genuinely feel for her and I am worried about her. I have said from the start that she is running away from her problems. I believe introspection would cause a suicide attempt, I am deadly serious here.
I like what you said about the emergency services so I'll chime in here with what a friend said to me.
Imagine you, your wife and kids are all in the ocean and your all going to drown, who do you save? Your wife is holding onto you for dear life pushing you under so she can breath. In order to save your self and your children what must you do? The answer is you need to let go of your wife because if one person will do whatever it takes to survive you will all go under.
That really got me seeing her in a new light. Its true unfortunately, it is all about her and she has no empathy for those around her. I must let her go so I can save the lives of myself and my children, there is simply no other option.
I have told her family in the past that I fear for her mental health. She has told them that I am the one who is mentally ill, but like I said they are scratching their heads now at her behaviour and are urging me to take the kids. As soon as I have a bigger place this will be happening. Her brother said its like she is a different person. My daughter said once that she blankly stares into space and when asked if she was ok she would say yes, I'm so much happier now then continue staring into space?
I believe she knows full well she is mentally ill but does not know what to do.I could easily have a better relationship with her. I could email her right now and offer friendship and she would take it, I know she would. Would this friendship benefit me? Hell no.
I could be wrong but anybody I know, myself included have never made drastic changes until they hit rock bottom. She is yet to hit her rock bottom and if she ever does I will be very worried for her, but only then can real change occur.
Thanks for your thoughts.

[space261083]

I hope you know how important it is that you can articulate this. It made me think 'yes!'. I want to say that won't take as long as you think, and the idea that it will take a long time will become less overwhelming. My experience is that, step by step, it becomes easier to make this part of my own life story, and that stops the 'Garbage Truck' thoughts of "I'll never escape this... .there's something wrong with me because it's taking so long".

I also want to second what JNChell wrote about BPDs and shame and guilt. It helped me to realize that, for all of the torment I was going through, I could regulate my emotions (i.e. rationalize them and manage them in some way, however small). Although I'm careful not to spend too much time engaged in how my ex might feel, I know that this is something she really, really struggled with in a way that I don't.

After years of managing the emotions of two people - slightly codependent but less so than most - just more self-neglecting - it took a while to learn how to just look after myself emotionally. My experience is that it's a skill, not just a cognitive understanding. Writing really helped me practice actually doing it. Hope this makes sense.

Hi there.
I relate massively with what you have said about this taking too long. Most people around me are at the "aren't you over her yet" stage. They simply do not understand that this is not your run of the mill break up. I understand now that I have been emotionally abused for a very long time and so have my children.
Yes, she cannot regulate her feelings/emotions this is why she is always quick to anger. She has said several times that she struggles to show her feelings towards others.
You are spot on here with regards to looking after myself emotionally, it is simply a skill I do not have as I have spent 20yrs trying to regulate somebody else's emotions. My cognitive behaviour is definitely something that needs addressing. I have never put myself first, it is very alien to me. I'm the kind of guy that would do anything for anybody, that's just who I am. This is a trait I wish to keep. I have been an idiot yes and I am too nice for my own good but I don't necessarily see this as a bad thing. I have the ability to love and too care and once I rebuild myself I will have a lot to offer someone else. That's a million light years away now but I also know from what I have been told that not every woman is like this. Rather than take advantage of, someone will appreciate me.
And yes it all makes sense, its like I am partaking in the worlds largest jigsaw puzzle, the puzzle that is my life.
Thank you for your words.

[wellwellwell]

Hi there.
I relate massively with what you have said about this taking too long. Most people around me are at the "aren't you over her yet" stage. They simply do not understand that this is not your run of the mill break up. I understand now that I have been emotionally abused for a very long time and so have my children.
Yes, she cannot regulate her feelings/emotions this is why she is always quick to anger. She has said several times that she struggles to show her feelings towards others.
You are spot on here with regards to looking after myself emotionally, it is simply a skill I do not have as I have spent 20yrs trying to regulate somebody else's emotions. My cognitive behaviour is definitely something that needs addressing. I have never put myself first, it is very alien to me. I'm the kind of guy that would do anything for anybody, that's just who I am. This is a trait I wish to keep. I have been an idiot yes and I am too nice for my own good but I don't necessarily see this as a bad thing. I have the ability to love and too care and once I rebuild myself I will have a lot to offer someone else. That's a million light years away now but I also know from what I have been told that not every woman is like this. Rather than take advantage of, someone will appreciate me.
And yes it all makes sense, its like I am partaking in the worlds largest jigsaw puzzle, the puzzle that is my life.
Thank you for your words.

I could have written every word of that. I'm not sacrificing who I am, either, but I will be a lot more careful to protect and look after myself. Over time, just let yourself direct that support to you first, and then others. I find it hard to be gentle on myself, still, but I'm starting to understand why. Depending a little on the life stage you're at, a few years spent doing that is worth the joy that will follow when you meet someone who respects who you are instead of needing to use you to deal with their own vulnerabilities.

[space261083]

I could have written every word of that. I'm not sacrificing who I am, either, but I will be a lot more careful to protect and look after myself. Over time, just let yourself direct that support to you first, and then others. I find it hard to be gentle on myself, still, but I'm starting to understand why. Depending a little on the life stage you're at, a few years spent doing that is worth the joy that will follow when you meet someone who respects who you are instead of needing to use you to deal with their own vulnerabilities.

This. I plan on staying by myself for quite sometime. I need to come to terms with why I have allowed myself to be in this situation. My counsellor said it has to do with attachment styles and early development. As I have stated I did not have the best start in life although my counsellor did say I have dealt with my past as best as I could. There is still going to be behaviours that will come very naturally for me. My ex has sensed this and used it against me for her own needs. Maybe this is why the rejection came when it did. I literally felt like the life had gradually been sucked out of me and when i had nothing left for her to take I was cast out. I could be wrong but that's the way I see it. Do you remember that film Hancock? When the two of them were together he gradually became ill. This is me, now I'm away from her I am slowly beginning to become stronger. This needs to continue for me and i need to get to a point where she no longer affects or controls me in the slightest.
At one point I would have died for that woman, that's no joke. I know see her as an extremely troubled individual that is in serious need of help.
Sad, but true.

[space261083]

Hi all.
I have an update for you. I think the "facade" has fallen. She has claimed for 6 months how she is so much happier now. This week she has apparently told her mom she is depressed? Hmmmm. My daughter also saw her Thursday and she said my wife had lost weight and looked very rough.
My wife contacted me about her starting to have the boys weekends and I said, do you mean when the eldest boy comes to live with me? Because I have them weekends due to work. She said she cant put what she is trying to tell me in writing and can she phone me later?
I have not spoken to her in 4 months, why would she want to talk to me.
I politely told her no, email was the only communication I wanted and she replied calling me a drama queen.
It is bugging the hell out of me now

[JNChell]

Stay the course, space261083. Keep your boundaries strong and in place. Focus on you, not her.

[space261083]

Stay the course, space261083. Keep your boundaries strong and in place. Focus on you, not her.

Oh, I plan to. I will provide no help or advice to her, if she hits her bottom then it will be up to her to pick herself up. She has gotten massively in debt, 3/4 of the kids don't want to live with her, she has no job, her husband ignores her. I feel sorry for her and am worried, it is best to be honest but I cannot help her, she has to learn.

[Longterm]

Wow, I've not been here for some time, in fact it's been a whole year. I'm going to post an update but it will take me a while so bare with me.

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been split and locked

Part 2 is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334927.0