So tired of being held "hostage"

[MarlyBoe]

After a couple of mostly good weeks, things fell back into an old, painful pattern today. I asked my BPDdh to watch the kids so I could rest and of course things fell apart because he couldn't deal with anything. He got angry, started yelling, slamming on the counter, slamming a drawer, swearing, etc. I couldn't sleep through this and I didn't want to leave our children with him like this, which just set him off further because he got angry at me for not resting. Silly me, I tried to make him see logic (why are you angry at ME? I'VE done nothing wrong here!) and his excuse was he's tired. Like tired people naturally swear and slam drawers and yell at their children and wives for no reason (all this was, mind you, after I made sure he got a good solid nine hours of uninterrupted sleep).

I couldn't take it. He was so hostile it scared me. I asked him to take a time out. This is what we worked out years ago, with several therapists, as the best step in such a situation. We have a close friend who lives in our same building, we have a key to his place, and dh is welcome there whenever he needs a "cooling off." But he refused to go! I asked him, repeatedly, he kept yelling at me, and I was basically begging him to go (in the past I was the one who just got up and left, but I had three kids at home and couldn't hustle them all out). Finally he left, doing his usual thing where he yells, "you're right, I'm wrong, you're always the right one and I'm getting kicked out of my home... ."yada yada yada.

It's just so hard. He wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, creates an intensely hostile home environment, I try to spare myself and our children from all that undeserved anger, and I still get treated like the bad guy. He has NO IDEA his reactions are blown so out of proportion, and there's NO RESPECT or consideration for me just wanting to not have someone swearing and slamming counters in front of my kids. I know, when he gets like this, it's like there's no one home, no point to argue logic, but my choices are either be kept an emotional hostage at home, subjected to his mood swings and anger outbursts, or, yeah, basically kick him out when he refused to take therapy-approved time outs, and STILL be treated with hostilIty.

Anyhow, sorry for ranting, just want to get this off my chest to people who hopefully understand, though I'm so, so sorry if you do. Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

I asked my BPDdh to watch the kids so I could rest and of course things fell apart because he couldn't deal with anything. He got angry, started yelling, slamming on the counter, slamming a drawer, swearing, etc. I couldn't sleep through this and I didn't want to leave our children with him like this, which just set him off further because he got angry at me for not resting.

I'm sorry that you had to go through that on the weekend. I can see how frustrating and hopeless it would feel when you can't reason with your uBPDh you were really nice to make sure that he slept without interruptions it's only fair that he returns the gesture. I think that the reason why he got upset at you is because he couldn't deal with the kids and felt shame, pwBPD have chronic feelings of shame. Obviously it's not your fault,  he has an emotional dysregulation disorder, it takes him a lot longer to return to baseline maybe wait until he returns to baseline and talk it over again with your therapy arrangement that he leaves for awhile if things get intense?

[MarlyBoe]

Thank you for responding. Actually, sorry if I got the terminology wrong, but he is diagnosed, so I guess I was supposed to write dBPDh? I think that distinction is important because we know exactly what we're dealing with, we've been struggling to make our marriage work, post diagnosis, for a very long time now. We've been through the lowest of the lows (hospitalization, subsequent long term separation, nearly divorced) and pulled through.

The problem is, in therapy, when he's not in crisis mode, he can fully acknowledge his behavior, and agree what the proper steps should be. But in the moment, and the moment can last for many days, all that goes out the window.

This cycle is nothing new for us. The trigger could be one hard half hour with the kids after months of no issues, it could be work related and have nothing at all to do with me, but I still suffer the fallout.

[Jessica84]

I feel for you, in a similar situation. I don't want to be around someone with erratic mood swings and hostility toward me, esp when I'm not the source of his anger. It is hard. We also had a "timeout" agreement but it doesn't stick when he's dysregulating. I'm accused of abandoning him or not supporting him as he screams and throws things. I can't add much, other than to say, I know it's a tough situation and sorry you are going thru this. What helps me is knowing the bad times don't last. They eventually wear themselves out. Hang in there. 

[momofflowers]

This sounds all too familiar... .just remind yourself, as usual, you've done all you can do and it's not on you. One day your kids will be old enough to explain that to. I spend a lot of time defusing the same drawer slamming, hitting inanimate objects, and swearing over seemingly nothing, as well... .because I don't want my girls to think that behavior is acceptable. There are many times when I'm teaching my 3 year old to handle her anger in a healthy way that my husband also agrees and backs me up and I see that he learns from that, too. What I'm trying to say is... .your husband sees your reaction and so do your children... .you're setting a good example for them and it may seem unnoticed, but I promise it is not. It just gets so frustrating having to always be the one that diffuses the situation. I think that is why I am so glad to join this community so maybe I can get some stress out and meet some people who go through the same things I do. Hang in there. <3