I'm committed to her but she said she will leave if it keeps going like this

[1Cor13:7]

 Hi everybody, I’m in a state of shock right now and I’m so glad that I found this site. About 45 minutes ago my wife came in while I was going to the bathroom and asked angrily  if I was coming back to watch the movie with her  and what was I doing
anyway and why am I taking so long. She said later that I had spent  half an hour in the bathroom and that I spend half of all my time in the bathroom and that she is going to time me to show me how long I take. There is some truth to this – I’m in my late 60s and do spend a lot of time in the bathroom.  

I did not answer her question directly at first  since the whole thing was so ridiculous. I So I stated the obvious. that I was going to the bathroom. I think  I said later that I was planning to go to watch the movie but when I came out of the bathroom I realized that she had already turned off the TV and all the lights in the house except for the bedroom. Somewhere along the line I told her that she was coming in here and accusing me of doing something wrong when all I was doing was going to the bathroom!

I was angry by this time and so I told her that I would appreciate her apologizing for treating me this way. Well, I guess that was the wrong thing to do - she told me that I owed HER an apology  and that  I was attacking her and there was something wrong with me and she couldn’t take it anymore and that she was going to leave if it keeps going like this. Intellectually I know that I wasn’t doing anything wrong but I feel terrible  and I feel like a failure. I can never please her and when I try to she always moves the target and never acknowledges that I even tried.

For instance she said that we need to get closer to each other spiritually when I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable at the Bible study she wanted me to go to. So tonight I suggested that we read a devotional together and she said that she didn’t want to but maybe we could pray together. So I said OK let’s do that. She didn’t want to do that either.

I’ve been married to her for over 40 years. I’ve had quite a bit of therapy  and am involved in an ACA support group. For a while things got better but lately they have definitely been getting worse. Maybe it’s because we are both home together now. I’m committed to her and committed to our marriage because I’m a believer in Christ  but if she leaves quite frankly that would be devastating especially to our children our grandchildren. Thank you so much for listening!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hi 1Cor13:7,



What's ACA?

I'm glad you reached out to us for support.  We can indeed get trapped in no win situations.  What seems to us is little,  too a person with BPD tendencies can be huge.  Take a look at the lessons on the top of the board.  A good first level tool is SET:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Let us know if this can help. 

Moving targets are hard to deal with.  The key is to minimize being a target on our side. 

T

[1Cor13:7]

Hi Turkish, thanks for the reply. ACA stands for adult children of alcoholics. Have started reading some articles and already gaining some perspective. Will definitely read your suggested article. Thanks! BTW I immediately got a “please - no run “ reply after postging. Do you know if this is a standard reply for newbies or maybe was my post inappropriate for this message board? Appreciate any light you can shed. Thanks hagain!

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi 1Cor., I love the name you chose.  I used to cling to that verse too, that love bears all things.  I notice some similarities in behavior that has been done to me. Going to the bathroom, sleeping, and eating are basic functions of our body. My uBPDh frequently has an opinion of my bodily functions, demands I give an account for myself and is demeaning. This is contempt at its worse level, and is one of John Gottman’s 4 horses... .contempt, defensiveness, criticism, and stonewalling. It sounds counterintuitive, but to avoid being defensive, validation is what it takes. “Yes dear, sometimes it takes a while in the bathroom, my body just needs a little extra sleep, or it does really well with oatmeal in the morning”... .whatever it is. It’s disarming to them.

I have experienced small gains and major setbacks with my spouse. One thing that brought gains was his agreeing to read Sacred Marriage together... .out loud, one chapter a day, taking turns reading, one one day, then the other the next.  Also, the Family Life Today weekend to remember is well worth the money. They have a buy one get one free registration period each year, just call them to ask.

Also, I tried reading a proverb a day. It contrasts the fool and the wise man, also the righteous and the wicked. Over the years, I have concluded that my husband is truly the worse of the 2. I have confronted, with myself and others, to no avail. I have tried the Peacemaker workbooks by Ken Sande. None of it helps. He scoffs at it. It helps me a little to think of Hosea, and David. I feel like David being hunted down by Saul at this point, if you find my story in the boards here, that will make sense.

Blessings to you, and peace. It’s not you, but there are things you can learn in the lessons here that will help you prevent from accidentally making it worse.

Dig

[Turkish]

That's a standard PM for this particular board, nothing specific to what you wrote 

[Radcliff]

Hello 1Cor13:7,

If you're in a state of shock and are glad you've found this message board, I imagine it's about more than what's going on with bathroom visits.  Can you give us an overview of where you are with your marriage and what situations you're experiencing that are giving you the most trouble?

WW

[Jessica84]

Asking for an apology for being attacked for simply using the bathroom might be a reasonable request for a non-BPD. But for your BPD wife, it tells her how she feels is wrong, which is invalidating. This will turn up the heat, rather than cool her down. How might she have felt? impatient, tired, bored, frustrated, that you're being selfish, trying to avoid her, or not valuing her time... .

Try to validate her feelings. She waited and waited. What if you came out and said something like "sorry to keep you waiting" or "I know it's frustrating to sit and wait like that"?

As an aside, spending too long on the toilet is really bad for the colon! My bf does this too. He's been in the hospital twice for colon problems. I suggested he remove all reading materials and not take his phone to the bathroom so he wouldn't stay there so long. But he always takes his phone... .and 45 minutes later... .so I find it frustrating too. Not only is he doing damage to himself, but he's also making me wait on him.