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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: 7 months post break up/Scapegoating/Smear Campaign  (Read 481 times)
Maxpax2011
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 138


« on: April 13, 2018, 11:08:54 AM »

Greetings, it has been a few months since I posted something, I have learned a lot, been coming out of the fog everyday. It does get easier. You never get over the good memories you shared with them. You really can't combine the the good and the bad I guess. No matter how bad they turned on you in the end, you still are attached to the good times. I find it difficult to get past that. I still love her, and I still miss her, but sometimes I can't seem to accept that she is a sick person who really hurt me. It is like a battle over the mind and the heart.

As I posted before her and I had some contact since the break up, I since tried to leave things on amicable terms. In the end there is really no way to make that happen. I found out the hard way. A few weeks ago we talked a couple times, and it seemed like we could be friendly. I wasn't planning on keeping consistent contact, but I was not against going no contact. Anyways, I was in town one night doing some shopping, she mentioned earlier that day about stuff I had left there, so I had texted her and asked about coming by to get the stuff since I was in the area. I figured at this point enough time had passed and we could be civil to each other. I said all I want is five minutes, get my stuff, and we go our separate ways, I asked to talk outside the house, I was not going to attempt to go to her door or anything. I mentioned meeting across the street at the tile shop.

She responded with such anger, and almost some kind of fear, she said her boyfriend would freak if he found out I came by, she said he is crazy and he would kill me. I did not threaten, or act hostile, I did my best to be calm, tried to make sense of her behavior, then she said she would call the cops if I came by, I asked her why would she do this and her response was "You did this". She kept saying "Please go away". Just a crazy situation, I could not make sense of it. I just drove home. Not long after that I got a call from the cops, and they said she filed a complaint against me for harassment. So I had to go to the police station, with my phone records to show I was not harassing her. Her and the Boyfriend claimed I have been following them, driving by her house, showing up at her job. Funny thing is I haven't seen her since before Xmas. There were several times where she would call me late at night and we talked for over an hour, I had several texts where she said she wanted to be friends, also I even had a text where we argued about the stalking claims, and she denied she accused me of stalking, but here she is doing it just the same. Either way the cops warned me to leave her alone or I would be arrested.

So I left it at that. Doesn't make sense. She is clearly disordered, delusional, and vengeful. I guess this is how it is supposed to be. There is never a happy ending when your dealing with a disordered person. I know deep down she knows it is all lies, and I know she loved me in some way. But her illness won't allow her to function like a normal person. And I have to accept that. Like someone said, there is no shame is caring for them, but you have to do it from a distance. I don't know if I will ever see her again, or hear from her again, all I know is I hope this drama is over, and I can finally find some peace. I lost 50 pounds, almost finished with school, I am happily single, things are going pretty well, so there is life after being with a disordered person.

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Jeffree
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: divorce
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« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2018, 02:04:21 PM »

Wow, Max. Isn't it astonishing just how differently their thought process works from that of a non-pwBPD? It's like night and day.

May I suggest NC from here on out? It just might be time to put her in the rear view mirror.

J
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Maxpax2011
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 138


« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2018, 03:44:42 PM »

Wow, Max. Isn't it astonishing just how differently their thought process works from that of a non-pwBPD? It's like night and day.

May I suggest NC from here on out? It just might be time to put her in the rear view mirror.

J

Your right, honestly, I myself can't lie like that, I don't know how they are able to lie so well, unless they are so disordered that they think they are telling the truth? Either way no contact is the best option. I really didn't want it to end up this way, there were times that her good side did come out, and just seems like she can't get over all that anger. Going on 8 months and she still feels that anger about our break up, like it happened yesterday, it amazes me how those negative emotions plague these people. I tried so hard to be nice to her, and it never did any good. The rear view mirror is where she belongs your right.
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heartandwhole
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3591



« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2018, 04:11:54 PM »

Hi Maxpax2011,

I'm sorry that this situation got so volatile that you had to explain yourself to the police. That is really upsetting. You seem to be handling it well, though.

I know what you mean about a battle between head and heart. I recommend staying the course, and continuing to take good care of yourself, especially during the time when your mind is going over the good times and you miss her.

It can be tough, but things really do change, as you've already seen. And in a couple of months, you could feel a LOT different. At least that was my experience. We all have our unique experiences of recovery, but it feels to me like you are on that "edge" and any moment you are going to tip toward the full detachment side. That's where freedom lies, and it's what I wish for you.

What feelings are coming up for you after this recent event?

heartandwhole

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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Maxpax2011
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 138


« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2018, 05:00:15 PM »

Hi Maxpax2011,

I'm sorry that this situation got so volatile that you had to explain yourself to the police. That is really upsetting. You seem to be handling it well, though.

I know what you mean about a battle between head and heart. I recommend staying the course, and continuing to take good care of yourself, especially during the time when your mind is going over the good times and you miss her.

It can be tough, but things really do change, as you've already seen. And in a couple of months, you could feel a LOT different. At least that was my experience. We all have our unique experiences of recovery, but it feels to me like you are on that "edge" and any moment you are going to tip toward the full detachment side. That's where freedom lies, and it's what I wish for you.

What feelings are coming up for you after this recent event?

heartandwhole



I feel disgusted, I feel the two years was a waste, I went on all these trips, shared so many special moments with her, and in the end I was treated like some monster. I was so in love with her, and it ends with me being nothing but a monster. But I can get past it and be whole again. That is all that matters.
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Cromwell
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1940



« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2018, 01:32:03 PM »

I feel disgusted, I feel the two years was a waste, I went on all these trips, shared so many special moments with her, and in the end I was treated like some monster. I was so in love with her, and it ends with me being nothing but a monster. But I can get past it and be whole again. That is all that matters.

Remember that those special moments were not necessarily a waste, although it can appear that way in hindsight. Whatever happened (and nothing to do with anything you may have done to be at "fault" here) but from my experience and reading there is a lot of requirement to paint the former partner as black to validate themselves right. Phoning the cops and getting restraint orders as well as litigation is nothing new from my reading on these boards and elsewhere.

At the end of the day, you have done nothing wrong and the cops will be warning you just as a way of protecting you as much as it appears to be believing them. It is basically just to let you know what is being accused and to not put yourself into compromising situation and protect yourself. After all, they dont know what the truth is but there is no evidence and im sure they have their experience of people being malicious to ex partners.

and yes you will get past it and move on from it.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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What if you didn't take things personally?

Because sometimes, it really was them
Maxpax2011
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 138


« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2018, 05:35:33 PM »

Remember that those special moments were not necessarily a waste, although it can appear that way in hindsight. Whatever happened (and nothing to do with anything you may have done to be at "fault" here) but from my experience and reading there is a lot of requirement to paint the former partner as black to validate themselves right. Phoning the cops and getting restraint orders as well as litigation is nothing new from my reading on these boards and elsewhere.

At the end of the day, you have done nothing wrong and the cops will be warning you just as a way of protecting you as much as it appears to be believing them. It is basically just to let you know what is being accused and to not put yourself into compromising situation and protect yourself. After all, they dont know what the truth is but there is no evidence and im sure they have their experience of people being malicious to ex partners.

and yes you will get past it and move on from it.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Thank you, I agree, the cops were just doing their job. And I have also done research on this, and spoke to other people, this seems to be par for the course when dealing with disordered people. It amazes me what lengths they go to portray you in a negative light. I do feel better than I did months ago. I do want to remember the good times, even though it ended so badly, I guess in time, things will fall into place.
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