I am done Part 2 finally good news ...

[jones54]

Hi Scout,
Thanks for checking in. Sorry you were down with Mother's Day. That should be a happy time. My daughter continues to do well in rehab. We seem to have a good relationship. We have been to church together twice and actually did spend her birthday together with he mother. That all went well. She wanted me to get together with her mother (my ex) for Mother's Day but I thought that would not be respectful to my girlfriend so I did not.
As far as my girlfriend, things are stable. She was gone for a week traveling and just got back. Things have been cordial but I am still confused as to what to do. I want badly for things to go forward with her but just not sure if she wants things as bad as I do. I guess I need to talk with her about all this. I either have to accept and see how things progress with the two of us or sit down and explain what I need in this relationship to move forward. I am sorry to say that scares me that I could loose her but I just do not want to keep things the way they are now. We are going away for the weekend to visit some close friends and I will just try to go enjoy myself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi there jones    

Scout, I also feel grateful and kindness, for what I have, my DD is safe today.

Jones, that's great to hear your relationship with your daughter continues to go well, keep doing what you are doing is our saying here when things go good   I hope your daughter's safety provides you the emotional space to be with, have good times with your girlfriend. You've changed your life with your daughter, it was a huge life changing investment and yes it was/is scary and beyond I'm with you, with parents here. Detaching with love can help us and them.

You say you are scared of losing your girlfriend, which part of you are you scared of? I'm glad you continue putting yourself first.

WDx  

[jones54]

Hi Wendydarling,
You asked about what I am afraid of in losing my girlfriend. Well, we have been together for 15 years and there are many things I do like about our relationship. We like many of the same things. We actually are pretty compatible. She does have trust issues from things that happened to her years ago and I believe that is why she has never married (me or anyone else). With my daughter and all her issues, I have previously said I would not be up front with everything that was going on to avoid a confrontation with my girlfriend. When she found out, she was very upset with me and feels she cannot trust me. This has brought us to a low point. It is not like she wants to end it (she still talks about plans to do things) but I have become frustrated because I do not see her moving ahead (have felt this for years). She has never been married and is very independent and along with trust issues I have become very discouraged. What bothers me is the loss of the relationship. It is not that I do not care for her, I just feel that it may be a dead end. I have wanted more than anything to have that connection with someone (like when I was married). She is happy being on her own and I understand completely that she is the one that will need to make a move to be with me (we actually bought a house together when we got engaged years ago). We have lived only a couple blocks apart for years and she loves her house where she lives. I am a typical man that wants companionship. Unfortunately I only get it on the weekends. I feel she wants the relationship to go on (the way it is) but with all the recent issues with my daughter she is simply hanging around (like I am a convenience). There are positives for me to be independent on my own but I plan to retire in a few years and I had hoped we would be together by now so we could make plans for the future. Others  (relatives) who know her say I need to move on. I do fear loneliness and it is not that I want to get into the dating scene again. I guess I just feel stuck. I had that same depressed feelings years ago with my divorce. I also fear that she will never accept my daughter and it will be difficult even when she is sober to have her visit at the house we are at together. Maybe I am assuming too much.  I have told myself I need to have a heart to heart talk with her. We did broach the subject before she left on her trip. She was upset before she left about my "honesty" but I think it was because she thought I was going to see my ex behind her back (I did not and actually ended the therapy sessions with my ex since I did not feel we needed them at this point... .my ex and I are to meet with my daughter's therapist now). I wish things were just better. I wish my girlfriend would give me something to hang on to that there is a future for us. I think that is why I need to have the talk with her. My fear is she will simply tell me to leave which I would have to accept. I have been in this relationship for 15 years and for most of it , it has been wonderful. We have had great times except for the issues with my daughter. Since everything came to a head over the past 6 months with my daughter, my having therapy with my ex and my not being fully up front with my girlfriend about my daughter due to my fears... .our relationship had taken a turn for the worse and I am not sure if it can be salvaged. I even fear if she did move in she would not be happy. I think I struggle from the "what if's". I need to take things day by day. I am in no rush to end things but then again, I do not want to waste the rest of my life in a relationship that will go no where.
Sorry to babble on so much.

[wendydarling]

Hi jones

You are working this through, your relationships with three women you care for  , like a fish coming up for air, keep posting!

We like many of the same things. We actually are pretty compatible.

And you often say how wonderful she is. She's stood by you in the most difficult of your times, she did not run as many may have.

She does have trust issues from things that happened to her years ago and I believe that is why she has never married (me or anyone else).

Can you share GF's trust issues with us?

With my daughter and all her issues, I have previously said I would not be up front with everything that was going on to avoid a confrontation with my girlfriend. When she found out, she was very upset with me and feels she cannot trust me. This has brought us to a low point. It is not like she wants to end it (she still talks about plans to do things) but I have become frustrated because I do not see her moving ahead (have felt this for years).

That's hard on you, you had your DD and girlfriend not trusting you for so long. You communicated your values, your boundaries what's acceptable to your daughter, can you with your GF, is that what you say by being honest?

She has never been married and is very independent and along with trust issues I have become very discouraged.

jones, your GF is independent sounds healthy to me, do you think she's kept her independence cos you've not been available?

What bothers me is the loss of the relationship. It is not that I do not care for her, I just feel that it may be a dead end. I have wanted more than anything to have that connection with someone (like when I was married). She is happy being on her own and I understand completely that she is the one that will need to make a move to be with me (we actually bought a house together when we got engaged years ago). We have lived only a couple blocks apart for years and she loves her house where she lives.

 :)o you think you may need to be the one to make the move to be with her, she's waiting like you? Who is living in the home?

I am a typical man that wants companionship. Unfortunately I only get it on the weekends. I feel she wants the relationship to go on (the way it is) but with all the recent issues with my daughter she is simply hanging around (like I am a convenience). There are positives for me to be independent on my own but I plan to retire in a few years and I had hoped we would be together by now so we could make plans for the future.

Someone has to go first, you did with your daughter, is it time to take your DD out of the relationship you seem to care about.

Others  (relatives) who know her say I need to move on. I do fear loneliness and it is not that I want to get into the dating scene again. I guess I just feel stuck. I had that same depressed feelings years ago with my divorce. I also fear that she will never accept my daughter and it will be difficult even when she is sober to have her visit at the house we are at together. Maybe I am assuming too much.  

It's ok to feel stuck, we often do, question ourselves like you are is healthy way forward. Does you DD need to visit your home with your GF? If your DD is prepared to reach out to your GF, behave perhaps?

I have told myself I need to have a heart to heart talk with her. We did broach the subject before she left on her trip. She was upset before she left about my "honesty" but I think it was because she thought I was going to see my ex behind her back (I did not and actually ended the therapy sessions with my ex since I did not feel we needed them at this point... .my ex and I are to meet with my daughter's therapist now).

 What did you say 'honestly', she may have thought you were going to see your ex behind her back, did you, or was that your assumption as you say you think it?

I wish things were just better. I wish my girlfriend would give me something to hang on to that there is a future for us. I think that is why I need to have the talk with her. My fear is she will simply tell me to leave which I would have to accept. I have been in this relationship for 15 years and for most of it , it has been wonderful. We have had great times except for the issues with my daughter. Since everything came to a head over the past 6 months with my daughter, my having therapy with my ex and my not being fully up front with my girlfriend about my daughter due to my fears... .our relationship had taken a turn for the worse and I am not sure if it can be salvaged. I even fear if she did move in she would not be happy. I think I struggle from the "what if's". I need to take things day by day. I am in no rush to end things but then again, I do not want to waste the rest of my life in a relationship that will go no where.

What are you offering your GF right now? That does not involve your DD and ex. Perhaps if you put her feelings first she may open up to you, give you back to you?

Loads of questions, feedback, I hope that's helpful for you and others here join. You're doing great jones, I appreciate how difficult this is for you, you clearly want resolution. Gee retirement, now that's a good topic to open up, discuss for those of us approaching 

You've fought for your daughter., you changed your approach ... .

WDx

[jones54]

Wendydarling,
Thanks for your note. First, I want to say my daughter is doing better than ever. We met together (me and my DD) with her therapist. It went so well and my daughter was so good (best I have seen her in years). I am so grateful for this.
As far as my girlfriend, I am sad to say it is over. We went away for the weekend and it could have not been worse. I tried to reason with her to let me prove my commitment to her and be totally open about my daughter. She would hear nothing and simply kept bashing me and saying I will never change. It became verbally abusive on her part to me. At one point it was so intense I snapped and grabbed her (I have NEVER done this before!). I stopped but that put her over the edge which I understand. I profusely apologized but that was it. We are done.
I have thought long and hard about this. I am a person who does not want to give up any relationship. I was the same way with my previous wife. Maybe it is the fear factor of again being alone. But I kept telling myself since I have been frustrated with our not moving ahead for a few years, no matter what I did nothing would ever change. My girlfriend was abused as a child and it is my understanding that is why she has never completely allowed another person to fully come into her life (trust). It is very sad but she has had relationships with very good men in the past but never would marry and always stayed independent. My fear now is that even if we did eventually marry it would never have worked no matter what I did and my DD was fine. She just does not feel safe. I am not perfect but there have been so many things that she says to allow her a reason to not move forward. If I bring this up she just gets so angry at me. I feel it is so difficult for her to face her own demons. I do know she has had therapy for this in the past. Do not get me wrong, it has been difficult with my DD as well as how I reacted to my DD's issues. I am a father that needs to do whatever I can to not  lose my daughter but in doing so this has damaged my relationship with my girlfriend. Because of all that has happened over the past 9 months with my daughter, it has only made the relationship worse with my girlfriend. She is very black and white and my doing anything she disagrees with has made our relationship worse. That is why if I was not upfront (lied) about what was going on with my daughter to avoid an argument it was the worst thing to happen because of my girlfriends severe trust issues. A very bad combination my doing anything to save my daughter and having my girlfriend disagree and then feel I was lying. With all of this I (as well as many others have said to me), it will never change with my girlfriend moving ahead. My daughter has to be part of my life and my girlfriend will never have anything to do with her even if she is sober and good. That is a deal breaker. I do not want to keep fighting for this relationship knowing at this point I feel it will not change and my girlfriend will never move ahead. It has been 15 years of no change moving ahead. It was all great in the beginning but the idealism wore off and the reality of her fears to commit returned. I thought I could change all that but now realize even with the mistakes I have made that if these did not occur, it would still be the same. It was for other men in her life, now it is with me. I just lasted longer than the others. It depresses me to no end to have it come down to all of this. It is not what I wanted but I have had frustration in our not moving ahead for years. I want so badly to have a new relationship where someone will love me for who I am and be more understanding of the daughter that I have. Maybe it will be my ex. We get along great and all that happened to us to cause the divorce has been washed away by both of us. I still need to date though because I am very bad at rebounding. I feel that is what happened with my girlfriend that I jumped into the first serious relationship I could find. I only wish it could have worked out.

[Scout206]

Dear Jones54,
I am sorry to hear that you and your girlfriend called it quits.  Like you, I have always tried to hang onto relationships too long - thinking maybe it will work out.  That has never worked for me and in retrospect, I wish I would have walked out on each of my long term relationships 10 years before I did.   Hindsight right?  Now at least you have one big weight off your shoulders and it will give you more freedom to take care of yourself and your daughter in the long run. Take care.   
Scout206

[wendydarling]

Hi jones

Thanks for your note. First, I want to say my daughter is doing better than ever. We met together (me and my DD) with her therapist. It went so well and my daughter was so good (best I have seen her in years). I am so grateful for this.

This is so heartening to hear all continues to go well for you, your daughter is motivated she's working hard must be such a relief to you each and every day. Is she back to writing in her free time?

I too am sorry you and girlfriend are done, yes the right decision for you and tough on you as you so wanted it to work. How are you bearing up?

WDx

[zachira]

Hello Jones,
It is so frustrating and painful to end a relationship after trying for so many years to make it work. You would like to have a better relationship when you get ready to date again. I hope you don't mind me recommending a book to read. I have read many books on relationships and this is the best by far in that it explains why past relationships have not worked out and how to find the right person in the future. The book is called "Attached" by Heller and Levine and sold by Amazon. After reading it, I see clearly why I have struggled with my relationships, and I now feel I have the road map to have a happy healthy relationship in the future. I have been reading your posts since the beginning and am following your journey. Your a wonderful caring father and indeed have much to offer to a woman than can be a companion and love you back the way you deserve.

[jones54]

Thanks for everyone's comments. They are so helpful to me. As you can see I have been so frustrated lately with everything. I feel pulled by both the relationship with my DD as well as my girlfriend.
Well, I am sure you will call me crazy but over the weekend I had a VERY long discussion with my girlfriend. She told me about her past and I have a better understanding why she never moved ahead with past relationships. I still feel she has trust issues but I think there is good reason why she didn't as well. She said she has only loved two people in all the serious relationships she has had. Me and someone else in her 20's. She asked if we could go to see a counselor together. I have been with her for 15 plus years so I agreed. I am happy she is willing to do this but I have my concerns still. When I was with my daughter I did not say this but did infer that possibly the relationship was not over completely yet. I could see this bothered her since I have always felt she never wanted us to be together. I think my DD feels my girlfriend will never change (maybe true) but also there has been some friction for years (actually my girlfriend has never done anything against my DD and I think this may be more the BPD). My girlfriend has always said she wants my DD to succeed and most of her concerns in the past have to do with how I react to my daughter and all the issues. I have this constant underlying fear of losing a relationship with my daughter so I struggle to be up front about my girlfriend with her and I do the same thing with my girlfriend not being totally up front about my DD. This will never work in a relationship and has to change on my part. I want so badly that they both get along and that I am not "stuck" in the middle. Unfortunately,  I can change other people. One thing that my daughter did say is that she would be willing to sit down with my girlfriend with a therapist to discuss her feelings. I am concerned that  my relationship with my girlfriend has always been a stress for my DD. Again, my daughter has to live her own life and do her own recovery with her addiction.
I hope I am not making a mistake with all of this. I would love to have everything work out but I know how much work this would be and I have to be honest the odds are stacked against me. I have just decided to agree to seeing a counselor together as a last ditch effort to see if we cannot move ahead. I should be elated with this but maybe it is that I am being realistic knowing all of the past related to my DD and girlfriend. I am sorry if everyone feels I am making a mistake here.

[Scout206]

Dear Jones54
We are not here to judge you on any level.  You know that and have added  thoughtful, non-judgemental input for others in our group.   We all hope that this works out for you and that you can find some peace and happiness.  You surely deserve it.  Just remember that we are here for you whether or not it works out.  The last thing you should worry about is whether or not we approve of your decisions.  xo  Scout206

[wendydarling]

Hi jones54

I echo Scout206 there is no judgement here, you have your girlfriend and daughter both willing to work with you, and it's quite understandable you feel conflicted after all you've been through, therapy with your girlfriend can help you resolve what's right for you, see where you get to.

Has your daughter moved to the transition home?

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jones54]

Thanks Scout206 and Wendydarling. It is so nice not to be judged. For the longest time I have felt pulled in 2 directions. One by my daughter and the other by my girlfriend. I have always been a people pleaser so when one or both got mad at me it was difficult. I met with my daughter and her therapist yesterday and it was not good in the beginning since my DD was under the impression it was all over with my girlfriend. She actually said she wanted nothing to do with me if I was still with my girlfriend but after explaining things she was better at end of the session. She goes to the transition house in 2 weeks. She has made a good plan for herself so I am hoping she will do well.
The first therapy session with my girlfriend (boy, sometimes I wish I was not having a life without all these therapy sessions!) was ok. Nothing accomplished because it was just a fact finding session to explain things. Kind of hard for me because it was mostly her being critical of me in not being upfront and honest about my DD, talking to too many people about our issues and even bringing up things from years ago. I am willing to do these sessions for a short while but honestly if I do not see any ounce of improvement I will need to call it quits. I have been so tired of being depressed with everything. Something has to change. Either our relationship improving or moving on. I wish it had never gotten to this point and I am honestly not optimistic because I feel I can do what I need to do but my DD is not going away and that has always been the "elephant in the room". She is not happy with me and I am so frustrated in not seeing a future with her willing to move ahead. I simply feel stuck. I am grateful she wants to see if we can make thing better so I will do the therapy sessions and see how it goes. No one likes to go thru a break up but I understand there is always pain before you heal and feel better. I need to focus on taking things slowly and try not to get too ahead of myself. Again, I appreciate all the support I get here. I am person who needs to talk about my issues. That is my therapy and getting input from others is so beneficial to me.

[wendydarling]

Jones it sure is a relief not to be judged by others, it is unhelpful for all, have you thought about raising this in your therapy with your girlfriend, I'm kinda sure you have, thought it worth raising.

How's it going for you?

You are rightly exhausted, you are reluctantly engaging in therapy with your girlfriend, that's ok! it's important for you both to find your way in, or out, it's a kind and a grateful place to be.

My daughter gets confused and hurt when her father talks to her about his girlfriends, a new one in his life right now, 100's of photos of them sent to DD. She finds it inappropriate to the relationship she wants with him. She communicates her boundaries, he's not listening. It is so sad! DD is very happy he's found love and recognises he's drawing her in to happy families. Most of all she wants her Dad to get her, he does not, it's all about him, always. I'm glad my daughter can see clearly what is healthy for her and what is not.

You are nearly up, we are on 5 pages, it'll be locked sometime, you know the score  . Think about the title of where you are, going, we'll be with you all the way.

Who knows, your first thread titled I am done, second Finally good news third ... .



WDx

[jones54]

Hi Wendydarling,
I really appreciate your checking in. Yes, I did bring up in therapy that I feel pulled in 2 directions (judged) by both My daughter and my girlfriend. Not sure there is much that can be done about it.
Sounds like your daughter has a good head on her shoulders. My DD is very astute in my relationship with my girlfriend. She, as well as many others, feel I should just move on. When I tell them I am going to see if therapy will help us, they are understanding but I know deep down they feel I am probably wasting my time. It is hard for me because deep down I have always wanted this to work. My girlfriend and I are seeing each other but to be honest she has little affection for me. She feels that I am staying in touch with my ex as a "back up plan". I do enjoy talking to my ex and mostly it is about our DD. But I understand why she feels this is inappropriate since my daughter is doing well and there should be no need to speaking to her unless there is a problem. The therapy sessions have just started. My fear is I am wasting my time since nothing may change with my girlfriend in how she feels and will not ever move ahead with me.  I guess I just need to be patient (hard for me). We have only met once together with the therapist. 
My DD finishes her 90 day rehab next Tuesday. She is anxious to have more independence. This will be her next big step. I pray she will stay the course. Her attitude is the best I have seen it in years. Hard for me since I know she would rather I move on from my girlfriend but lately she does not push this and is actually trying to be supportive of me. I think the hardest thing in life is uncertainty. Not knowing what may happen when thing are poor. That bothers me more than anything. I just wish things were better and stable. Patience is a virtue and that is one virtue I do not have. We meet again on Monday and I hope it will go well.

[Scout206]

Hi jones54

(Sorry I'm not good at inserting quotes) but you say:

"I think the hardest thing in life is uncertainty. Not knowing what may happen when thing are poor. That bothers me more than anything. I just wish things were better and stable. Patience is a virtue and that is one virtue I do not have." 

You and me both jones.  But we are by necessity learning patience as there is no other choice.  It is painful for me.  Uncertainty - not knowing what may happen - (and for me, often imagining the worst) - is difficult to live with all day, every day.  I'm so happy that your daughter is doing well.  I know you have been through so much and I hope that she and you continue to improve and your support systems remain stable.  It gives me hope.   Scout

[jones54]

My daughter moved to the transition house 2 days ago. It will be a big adjustment. More freedom but they still have accountability (breathalyze 2 times a day and frequent drops). The house is nothing fancy but she admits it is better than being in the homeless shelter. She is now looking for a job. Her attitude remains good and I have not seen any borderline issues at all.
My girlfriend and I meet again for a therapy session. She still complained about her issues with me not being honest and my being too involved with my ex. The therapist tried to smooth things out and give her a better understanding of the difficulties a parent goes thru with an addicted child. Tough for me because she gives me no credit for what I did pulling back and letting her be homeless. She feels my enabling and doing things against her wishes has gone on for years. I tried to bring up her commitment issues but we ran out of time. I am concerned that we are doing this all for her to get her point across and thereby give her reasons not to move on (so she is in the right). I feel she maybe doing this to make her feel ok in not moving on and rationalize she is right but really it is because she cannot face the fact she has commitment issues. I guess it really does not matter because it really comes down to how much am I willing to take. The next session will be about commitment and a deadline. I want something to change at the end of summer but I know she won't do this (I assume). My daughter has not questioned my holding on at this point but my son (who I am very close to) has turned against my girlfriend and feels she is dragging me along. Sad because they were very close. It may be because I was becoming so friendly with his mother and may have mislead her thinking I was done with my girlfriend and when I started therapy it hurt her. Not sure. I must be thick headed because most everyone who knows the situation feels that she will not change and I need to move on but for some reason I won't give up. I guess I have this feeling everything could work out but in reality it would take so much. I keep telling myself to move on but have such a hard time pulling the trigger. I was the same way with my divorce. My wife at the time had an affair on me but I tried for so long to salvage the marriage. But at that time she had no interest so I finally gave up and filed for divorce. I am getting the same feelings now. Thinking this will all turn around. I also struggle with my siblings feeling I may be wasting my time as well as my children feeling the same way. Hate the feeling that they may be loosing respect for me. Sorry to expound but this is a major struggle for me now. So grateful that my daughter is doing well. I need to do a gratitude list.

[wendydarling]

jones

What an amazing step forward for your daughter to move to the transition house. It reminds me of my daughter staying in the Woman's Crisis Home, she stayed there twice for month each time. The first time was when they tried to discharge her from hospital, she did not feel safe, she caused a huge ruckus. She sent me a message to say Mum I'm so glad you were not here to see me act out big time on the ward refusing to be discharged, I'm being transferred to a Woman's Crisis Home tomorrow. Second time was her when her DBT therapist recognised she was on the down, it took her about 2 months to accept she was struggling. It's the most amazing home, yes a home, 12 residents where you can talk to staff 24/7, daily activities, massage, so very therapeutic. I wish everyone had a similar safe place to be, between hospital and home. It really helped her recovery. She pops by occasionally to join the group activities and support residents.

It's great you've not seen any borderline behaviours in your daughter. Your daughter sounds amazingly resilient after all she's been through. Is she continuing therapy with the lady you know? What kind of work is she looking for? My daughter is at that point too, looking for volunteering (preference is with a cat sanctuary) or part/time work at this point, dipping her toe in. I'm hoping she's able to manage any stress, triggers …... .as I'm sure you are.

I'm sorry it's such a struggle for you with your girlfriend, it's good to write and get it out there. You want something to change by the end of the summer, is this an agreed goal in therapy, or is therapy open ended it goes on until it reaches natural conclusion?

I think that's a great idea to do a gratitude list, helps balance our minds.

WDx

[jones54]

HI Wendydarling,
I always appreciate you checking in. Sounds like a great place where your daughter went. My daughter's house is pretty much that, a sober house. There are rules but nothing fancy. I guess much better than when she was living on the streets. She has to find a new therapists since the ones at her rehab sign off when she leaves. Hopefully she will find on soon. She is looking for work but does have a retail fraud charge on her record which makes it difficult. I am praying she will find something and hopefully something she enjoys.
As far as my girlfriend, we are getting along as best we can which much better now. Have had 2 sessions with the therapist. I want something different by the end of summer (her moving in as a first step) but I honestly do not see that happening. I guess it comes down to accepting the way things are now or just decide to move on. We meet with the therapist tomorrow and I am going to ask what can be done to resolve all of this. I know she wants the relationship to remain but I do feel she remains upset with me. I know it takes her time to change her feelings. More than anything I want something to occur so I feel better about our future. I am hoping the therapist will give something for both of us to feel our future is worth staying together (because I honestly feel we both want that).

[Feeling Better]

Hi there jones54

I’ve been following your threads and just want to say that I think that you have been on a remarkable journey with your daughter, you have shown great strength during the darkest of times and you are an inspiration to many parents here.

You spoke in your last post about an upcoming therapy session with you and your girlfriend, I hope that you managed to discuss the things that you said you would like to be resolved

Wishing you all the best x

[wendydarling]

Hi jones

Hi there jones54
I’ve been following your threads and just want to say that I think that you have been on a remarkable journey with your daughter, you have shown great strength during the darkest of times and you are an inspiration to many parents here.

FB thank you so much for joining. I recognise this is hard for some parents to read, jones went to the wire, I've been there too in my own way with my DD.

Our children are working to be survivors, am I right here jones, we are on the same page?

WDx

[jones54]

Thanks for the comments FB and Wendydarling. Yes, they are learning to be survivors. It is very difficult for me (as I am sure others to watch as they struggle). My DD is living in a transition house which is at least safe. I honestly did not think she was going to survive when she lived in the homeless shelter and spent her time doing heroin on the streets. She overdosed multiple times (I was not aware until later since I had no contact with her). It seems like she has more than 9 lives. I think it is so hard for all of them because they are aware of their emotions and struggle with those heightened feelings. I know my DD does. On top of that she struggles with her addiction. Needless to say I struggle with all of it due to my worries and concerns for her well being. At this point her mother and I have stepped back and are letting her be responsible for herself. She is in need of a job but has not found one yet. I am hoping soon. Years past we would have pulled her off the streets and put her up somewhere paying her rent. No longer. This is the first time she has to take care of herself. For once I think she knows this but at times is bothered by the new life. She is 33 years old and the therapist her mother and I met with for so long said no question, she has to finally take care of herself. I fear she will get frustrated and go back to the heroin but hopefully she knows this would mean being homeless again (which she did not like). It is difficult as a parent to step back knowing your child has issues and is not like others. Having expectations is dangerous. I am happy if she stays sober and becomes self sufficient on her own. Nothing more. She has a long road ahead of her. I have as well, since I struggle with worry.
On another note, I continue with therapy with my girlfriend.  Things are better but nowhere near what I feel they should be. I need to be more patient. We both seem to be getting along fine but I still worry about our future. It is a struggle trying to balance my life between my DD and my girlfriend. I feel like I am trying to rebuild a relationship with both of them. I need to remind myself that where things are now is vastly better than 4 or so months ago when everything went rock bottom with both of them. I need to take life one day at a time but so difficult since I am a person that always things ahead (worries). Very unhealthy to do this since it can become very depressing thinking of the worst scenario. I have decide to see a therapist by myself in hopes I can resolve this. I do not think any of us ever expected our lives to turn out the way they did with our children. For some reason God made it this way for us so that is why acceptance is so important (but difficult at times).
As always, I am so appreciative of the support that I get on this site.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi jones

Sorry for my absence here, I've settled my Mum into her care home, wow, emotional wrench in so many ways, our family home is empty of parents, all the wonderful memories we share, tough. It was however perfect timing a place came available exactly when she needed a bigger support team. She is happy and has made many friends, relief for us. It's been a long journey jones.

How are you? Have you engaged a therapist for you? I think this a healthy route for you, as you say you ruminate across the women in your life. What about you, finding your centre, self, happiness  

How's your lovely daughter?

WDx  

[jones54]

Hi WD,
Thanks for checking in. Sorry about the move for your mother. I am sure that is very hard when they have been with you around the clock. One of the things I dislike the most is an empty house. It has been this way since my son moved away to Chicago about 5 years ago. We can all get used to this but it has always been hard for me.
  I did start seeing a therapist. He has been very supportive. He agrees that a 6 month time frame should be adequate to decide if my girlfriend can see enough of a change to possibly move ahead. I still have a difficult time not looking ahead and for some reason seeing that she will never be able to move ahead and I will have to leave her (which I am not anxious to do). I have been reading the book by Eckart Tolle, The Power of Now (it was given to me by my girlfriend!). It is correct in stating we should not look in the past or the future and simply stay in the present. I need to do this.
My daughter continues to be stable. Still at the halfway house and is sober. She has been working for a temp agency but seems to get a lot of work which is good. We try to get together for dinner once a week. She still has her borderline tendencies but nothing compared to the past year when she was using. I need to be grateful for that. Again, I need to focus on the positives and let the future play out for itself with both my daughter and my girlfriend. My girlfriend and I still see a couples therapist and have been making strides in the positive. I am hopeful we will continue and more importantly I hope she feels the same way. Because for this to work she will need to want it to as much as me.

[wendydarling]

I did start seeing a therapist... .…...  I have been reading the book by Eckart Tolle, The Power of Now (it was given to me by my girlfriend!). It is correct in stating we should not look in the past or the future and simply stay in the present. I need to do this.

Absolutely jones, stay in the present, helps ground us, feet firmly on our ground, live each day to our full. My recovering BPD daughter often comes to talk to me how she's feeling. She has come sat with me and shared these last years when she's ruminating about the past or the future, she recognises she is catastrophising, causing her pain and confusion. DBT has gifted her the light and many of the tools and skills here free to access to parents, members here follow DBT.

You've been through the mire jones, it's time for YOU and your healing, you come first right now. I'm so pleased you have your therapist and bpdfamily access to world class resources and support of our parents here.

Absolutely priceless, jones. When we find our way, lead the way, our loved BPD ones may feel our kindness, feel their kindness and more.

WDx