Gratitude - Giving thanks for what I can do

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey good people,

This might sound odd, but I've found myself giving thanks often for things like my ability to feel pain and not completely lose it or my ability to manage a crisis.

When I was able to step back from the immediate pain, there were moments I was able to hold my STBXw's behavior separate from me temporarily and just observe what was happening. What I saw was heartbreaking. I saw a person who couldn't function emotionally, who was avoiding conflicting, who couldn't control her impulses, who could only shake instead of cry, who wasn't feeding herself, who flip flopped between desperate need and rage at the blink of an eye, etc etc.

Now, I don't bring this up to shame her. But, seeing all that does make me pause sometimes through all of this pain and give thanks for my ability to reasonably handle it. Yes, it feels unspeakably hard at times. Yes, I've cried in public or broken down at inopportune times in front of people. But, I was always met with kindness and it was never really as bad as I might have feared. I've had to ask for help in all of this, for anything from logistical things to having someone come over and listen. This morning, I was melting down a bit and was snowed in - and then a neighbor showed up with his kids to help shovel me out. I'm blessed, honestly, but the other thing I am is a good neighbor. I've been there for these people. I've cultivated relationships with them. My STBXw was "around" but never really got to know people on the same level I did, and never really let anyone know her. I'm learning now that's because she really didn't know a lot about herself, so sharing and developing any intimate friendships was very hard for her.

So, while I feel vulnerable as all get out sometimes, I'm also grateful that I've been able to let people see me, see my pain, because they show up. And you know what? I really like showing up for people when they're in pain, so in some way, it's a gift to let someone else in. I'm really struggling with trust right now, given the level of betrayal I've experienced, but even now, I feel the kindness of others slipping passed my armor.

Another thing I'm grateful for is my ability to get things done and not get paralyzed. I've taken on this entire move of our 3 bedroom house completely by myself. She bailed, took close to nothing, and even what she did take I had to go through the house and pack for her because she was in a place of extreme avoidance before. I just got done loading up half of the moving truck by myself and though I'm exhausted, I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I can get things done. I'm grateful that this gigantic task that was left on my shoulders isn't too big for me. I'm also grateful for the many people around me ready to lend a hand when I need it.

I'm not so grateful for how much my body aches haha! But alas, we can't have everything now can we?

So how about you? As you detach, what have you learned that you can do? What are you grateful for, even in the middle of the mess? Any super powers you've discovered, or regular powers you've overlooked?

And... .does knowing these things about yourself help you develop any empathy for the pwBPD in your life? Can you hold onto that empathy and also keep yourself separate, safe, and whole?

[lighthouse9]

Hey good people,

This might sound odd, but I've found myself giving thanks often for things like my ability to feel pain and not completely lose it or my ability to manage a crisis.

When I was able to step back from the immediate pain, there were moments I was able to hold my STBXw's behavior separate from me temporarily and just observe what was happening. What I saw was heartbreaking. I saw a person who couldn't function emotionally, who was avoiding conflicting, who couldn't control her impulses, who could only shake instead of cry, who wasn't feeding herself, who flip flopped between desperate need and rage at the blink of an eye, etc etc.

Now, I don't bring this up to shame her. But, seeing all that does make me pause sometimes through all of this pain and give thanks for my ability to reasonably handle it. Yes, it feels unspeakably hard at times. Yes, I've cried in public or broken down at inopportune times in front of people. But, I was always met with kindness and it was never really as bad as I might have feared. I've had to ask for help in all of this, for anything from logistical things to having someone come over and listen. This morning, I was melting down a bit and was snowed in - and then a neighbor showed up with his kids to help shovel me out. I'm blessed, honestly, but the other thing I am is a good neighbor. I've been there for these people. I've cultivated relationships with them. My STBXw was "around" but never really got to know people on the same level I did, and never really let anyone know her. I'm learning now that's because she really didn't know a lot about herself, so sharing and developing any intimate friendships was very hard for her.

So, while I feel vulnerable as all get out sometimes, I'm also grateful that I've been able to let people see me, see my pain, because they show up. And you know what? I really like showing up for people when they're in pain, so in some way, it's a gift to let someone else in. I'm really struggling with trust right now, given the level of betrayal I've experienced, but even now, I feel the kindness of others slipping passed my armor.

Another thing I'm grateful for is my ability to get things done and not get paralyzed. I've taken on this entire move of our 3 bedroom house completely by myself. She bailed, took close to nothing, and even what she did take I had to go through the house and pack for her because she was in a place of extreme avoidance before. I just got done loading up half of the moving truck by myself and though I'm exhausted, I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I can get things done. I'm grateful that this gigantic task that was left on my shoulders isn't too big for me. I'm also grateful for the many people around me ready to lend a hand when I need it.

I'm not so grateful for how much my body aches haha! But alas, we can't have everything now can we?

So how about you? As you detach, what have you learned that you can do? What are you grateful for, even in the middle of the mess? Any super powers you've discovered, or regular powers you've overlooked?

And... .does knowing these things about yourself help you develop any empathy for the pwBPD in your life? Can you hold onto that empathy and also keep yourself separate, safe, and whole?

[Harley Quinn]

This is an interesting topic lighthouse9.  I'm interested to hear others' responses.

I can say that as I was in great pain and a large dollop of FOG over the failed r/s and what I perceived as my own failure, my ex was busy embarking on a new r/s to avoid dealing with the pain.  So in many ways I'm grateful for the capacity to face that pain and come out of the other side with some valuable learning through the process.  As I sit in my counselling sessions I am grateful for the ability to talk about things that make me uncomfortable, about myself, my decisions, the reasons etc. and be open to coming up with new ways to approach things.  Embracing vulnerability.  Feeling the fear and doing it anyway.  When I look at what my ex's life is like, I feel grateful for an awful lot.  Yes I do have empathy towards him.  What I also possess now is boundaries.

Love and light x 

[Mutt]

The biggest thing that I’m grateful for from this experience is that it was an opportunity to get well. I suffered from mental illness for years and didn’t know I didn’t know what it looked in me my exuBPDw and my dad it was all normal to me to a degree I knew that there was something wrong with me I didn’t know what it was. Now I can take care of it and not suffer alone I kept it to myself for years because I didn’t know how people would react if I told how I felt. Sometimes I felt like I was going crazy and I felt like I was going to die I felt detached from my environment I didn’t know that there was a name attached to those experiences -anxiety disorders.

I haven’t felt this good in years with the help of medication, self care, excersise I have my depression and anxiety under control it’s something that I have to work at constantly because you can’t stop when you start feeling better I went from a 9 to a 3 on the anxiety scale. Everyone has experienced a difficult break up I’m not any different but through that experience it was a gift because now I’m taking care of my mental health and I feel bad for my exuBPDw because she may never experience what feeling better is.

[JNChell]

Hi lighthouse9! This is a great topic. Thank you for sharing.

does knowing these things about yourself help you develop any empathy for the pwBPD in your life? Can you hold onto that empathy and also keep yourself separate, safe, and whole?

I would have to answer, yes. I’m not there yet, but the proof is here. It can happen. I think that the further we look into ourselves, the closer we get to the empathy that you’re speaking about. I want to be there mentally. I witnessed her birth our child. I want to possess proper emotions towards her. I’m just not able to at this point.

I’m grateful that I finally know what’s going on with me. The toxic soup that I’ve been swimming in for so long has cooled. I think my ex was the final nudge to place me where I need to be if I ever want to put my own personal crap to rest. I slide back and forth between anger and depression lately. Fear and sadness. I’m navigating my way out of it slowly, but surely.  It’s been a roller coaster with many pitfalls, setbacks and regrets. Thanks for this thread lighthouse9.

[Speck]

Lighthouse9!

This is such an awesome thread.

As I go about my days, I realize that I have been through a massive emotional blow, yes, but even so, I often times sit in a seat of thanksgiving for all that I have, all that I know, and all that I can do.

I like the part in your post where you talk about moving your house, and while, no doubt, a colossal undertaking, was not too big a job for you. Just beautiful. Simply beautiful.

I seriously spend a lot of time each day just marveling at how blessed I am for my good health, good hearing, good (corrected) vision, sweet friends, an awesome job, bpdfamily, my three cats, all my fingers... .etc.

But, it's abstract things, too, like being so grateful to have this time to wake up (!) and rediscover who I am, being able to take my own sweet time to analyze why I stayed in such a toxic relationship for so long, and having ample time to peel the onion on my FoO issues, etc., because... .it's definitely all related. 

Thank you for such a thoughtful and introspective thread.


-Speck

[Dignity&Strength]

I love it! I often count my blessings, for it is in the gratitude that I don’t feel so pitiful! I sing a little song sometimes to my s4. My mom taught it to me:

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
Look and you’ll discover just what God has done... .

There’s more, but it’s probably on YouTube.

I agree. These are good and worthwhile traits to have, enduring and being capable, resilient. Bravo.

Dig.!

[lighthouse9]

Thanks for running with this one folks!

It can help me to sort of take inventory when things feel overwhelming. What can I do? What am I doing, but maybe don't realize I'm doing it? Seeing the woman I love and gave my heart to struggle to function made me even more grateful for what I can do.

I made it home to my family and pick up the keys to my new place tomorrow. The trailer with my stuff won't get here for a bit, but I made it this far.

I'm exhausted. Every inch of me is bruised and hurts like hell. I'm barely over 5 feet tall but I moved almost the entire house myself. I'm sure my neighbors got a kick out of watching me throw the couch around in a bit of a hulksmash rage. I took every last bit of emotion I had about moving out and channeled it into, well, moving out. I'm beat. I hurt physically all over. But I feel more alive, in an odd way. Today, I finished loading the trailer, left the home I shared with my wife, drove 6 hours, took a short break, then jumped online for 3 hours to finish grading some work for a class I'm teaching online. Over the last few days, I loaded 14 feet of trailer space almost completely by myself and managed to completely clear out a 3 bedroom home, while working three jobs. My wife hasn't contacted and it's probably not even on her radar that I turned in the keys to our place today. She's probably so far gone and removed from all of this, because it's too much for her to process.

Dig-  I really liked the song. I have a line from the poem Invictus by William Ernest Henley tattooed on my forearm (I got it when things started to really go downhill recently) and it's a reminder to me that I cannot be broken and that it is God's work that I don't break. It keeps me humble but ready.

Out of the night that covers me,
      Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
      I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
      Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
      How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
      I am the captain of my soul.

--
There was a lot of out loud positive self talk and encouragement over the last few days (no one could hear me, so it wasn't too weird haha). I've literally been cheering myself on out loud, "You've got this Lighthouse, almost there. Keep pushing." I know this next chapter will bring new challenges, but as the poem says "My head is blood, but unbowed."

So... .I am grateful, that I made it this far. That I made it to the next step. That I have confidence in my ability to keep moving. That I have this forum and you all for when I lose my way or don't trust myself to keep pushing. I am grateful for the will to keep living and keep pushing my way through, because as they say, the only way out is through.

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi Lighthouse,
Wow, what an epic moving day! I could almost feel the tiredness. But I love what you said, that in a strange way, you feel more alive. I feel better when I re arrange and redo the seasonal bags for S4 and myself in our emergency storage unit. I think it’s because I have tipped the scales to favor what I can control and in doing so, stopped being so stuck focusing on what I can’t. So maybe that’s it... .a serious reclaiming of your own space. There are gains and losses, expected and unexpected, wanted and unwanted. Things to celebrate and things to grieve. Hm, that sounds a little like the flow of Ecclesiastes chapter 3... .a time for everything under the sun. A time for building up and a time for tearing down... .

Bless you, as you adjust and process all of this. I can only imagine it, but I think a move like this is in my future, maybe in a the next year or 2, if I make it to the end of my long plan. The logistics of it physically is one thing, but emotionally processing it to be ok, that’s another.

Dig.