twisted up inside when she asks to come home

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Been posting here a while now about my exBPDgf, been on and off with her 2+ years. She's currently living in a group home for mentally ill / substance abuse issues a few hours away. She's been there about 4 months now.

She's just so sick, it breaks my heart. I can't imagine not being able to count on my own judgement to keep me safe. She makes terrible decisions honestly thinking they're good, and cannot go more than a few months without hospitalization. This 31 year old woman with BPD/Bipolar/ADHD just isn't suitable partner material, and I know it.

I try to just love her from afar and live my life without letting her drain me. It's not very satisfying, though, having an LDR lover. She visited me last month for five days, and wow, she was more lucid and focused than I'd ever seen her. Our connection is still there.

But by the end of the trip, my anxiety levels were mounting and she started boundary-pushing. I cut back on contact afterwards, I needed to focus on work, and honestly, I hate messaging and videochatting it feels so flat. I've told her, if things go well, I'll visit her towards the end of next month when my work's finished.  

Recently, she deteriorated again, spent a few days in psyche ward. I'm really glad the people in her house brought her to and from the hospital and help her with follow up stuff. I didn't have to do anything.  

Problem is, she's constantly crying to me that she wants to "come home" (my home) and it twists me up. She's not my wife, nor my child (though being 14 years older it can certainly feel that way.) But it hurts to say no, because in my heart, I long for her body in my bed, miss her smile, worry about her. I seem to love this woman unconditionally.

So I firmly repeat my conditions 1) She needs to be stable long-term before I'd consider living with her again. 2) She needs to be doing something constructive. School, work, getting serious as an artist, or even volunteering.

But what if collecting disability, posting her drawings on Instagram, and helping with housework a little is the best she can do? Am I just torturing us both with unrealistic demands? How well is my being rigid about having a certain kind of relationship serving me? Serving her?

Thoughts?

[Lady Itone]

Been posting here a while now about my exBPDgf, been on and off with her 2+ years. She's currently living in a group home for mentally ill / substance abuse issues a few hours away. She's been there about 4 months now.

She's just so sick, it breaks my heart. I can't imagine not being able to count on my own judgement to keep me safe. She makes terrible decisions honestly thinking they're good, and cannot go more than a few months without hospitalization. This 31 year old woman with BPD/Bipolar/ADHD just isn't suitable partner material, and I know it.

I try to just love her from afar and live my life without letting her drain me. It's not very satisfying, though, having an LDR lover. She visited me last month for five days, and wow, she was more lucid and focused than I'd ever seen her. Our connection is still there.

But by the end of the trip, my anxiety levels were mounting and she started boundary-pushing. I cut back on contact afterwards, I needed to focus on work, and honestly, I hate messaging and videochatting it feels so flat. I've told her, if things go well, I'll visit her towards the end of next month when my work's finished.  

Recently, she deteriorated again, spent a few days in psyche ward. I'm really glad the people in her house brought her to and from the hospital and help her with follow up stuff. I didn't have to do anything.  

Problem is, she's constantly crying to me that she wants to "come home" (my home) and it twists me up. She's not my wife, nor my child (though being 14 years older it can certainly feel that way.) But it hurts to say no, because in my heart, I long for her body in my bed, miss her smile, worry about her. I seem to love this woman unconditionally.

So I firmly repeat my conditions 1) She needs to be stable long-term before I'd consider living with her again. 2) She needs to be doing something constructive. School, work, getting serious as an artist, or even volunteering.

But what if collecting disability, posting her drawings on Instagram, and helping with housework a little is the best she can do? Am I just torturing us both with unrealistic demands? How well is my being rigid about having a certain kind of relationship serving me? Serving her?

Thoughts?

[Mutt]

Hi Lady Itone,

It’s absolutely okay to want specific things out of a partner you want to have your values align with each other. I don’t that it’s an unrealistic demand but it may take time for her to get there from where she is now in her life.

[SunandMoon]

Hi Lady Itone

I'm sorry to hear your girlfriend spent a few days in the psyche ward again... .but it's good that the people in the group home helped her. I know you were worried about that the last time you posted.

This is such a hard situation for you. It sounds like you really love her and you both seem to have a strong tie to each other. Unfortunately her illness also sounds fairly extreme. It's so sad.

I'm curious about the group home. Do they assess her regularly? Monitor her meds? Does she have regular individual counselling / group counselling?

That would give some hope of her eventually learning new techniques for handling what must feel like a very uncertain life for her.

It's understandable that she wants it all to go away and for her to be able to "come home". I admire your steadiness in doing what you know you have to do, especially as it must be heart breaking to hear her crying and wanting to come home - and probably tempting to let her, as well.

However, you've lived with her before and you know that the fundamental problems are still there. You don't really have a choice if you don't want to go back to the old craziness.

I don't know what to suggest.  Give her more time? Keep your boundaries? Date others? What do you want to do?

Just wanted to give you some support and say I understand it's a really tough situation.

[Lady Itone]

Aw thanks Mutt and SunandMoon,

I'm very glad the people at her home recognized she needed help and got her to the hospital without having to "Baker Act" her. She's a woman of color who, unfortunately, is scared of cops, so she freaks out at police.

I believe she's in charge of taking her own meds, and I think she has to attend a mandatory amount of group therapy sessions. I also know she sees at least one psychiatrist, possibly two (she's trying to get Adderall out of them and having no luck .)

I don't know what to suggest.  Give her more time? Keep your boundaries? Date others? What do you want to do?
 

I think for now, it's best she stay where she is and I keep strong boundaries. I mean, she wasn't doing any better living with me. Either way she ends up in the psyche ward every few months. At least now I'm not subjected to her episodes.

COULD I commit to taking on a mentally ill partner?  I wonder. I don't have children or serious health issues of my own. I don't have siblings, so at some point I will probably be caretaker for one or both parents. I'm able to keep a roof over my head and food in my stomach, but I don't have much disposable income. The measly money her disability brings in wouldn't help much towards building a life for two.   

So I can focus on making a better life for myself, and possibly for her if she ever shapes up, or I can waste all my energy dealing with her drama. Maybe someday when I've got less hours to work, more financial security, etc., maybe that's a time I can reassess.

I never wanted to maintain a long-distance relationship, and I'm not sure how to stop engaging in it. I do NOT want to videochat every day, text all the time, or invest lots of energy in someone I can only see every couple of months. I was thinking about telling her that I promise to call her once a week at a certain time, and that's it, because the constant attempts to engage my attention are driving me bonkers. 

We always had an open relationship, so I date. Sadly, no one is as attractive to me as her. I'm feeling quite shut down sexually towards anyone who isn't her. Hoping time, or the right person, will fix that.