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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Ghosts of my own disorders  (Read 682 times)
I Am Redeemed
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« on: March 24, 2018, 11:55:32 PM »

Hi everyone,

I have mentioned in some of my posts that I have struggled in the past with chronic major depression (or Major Depressive Disorder) as well as a substance abuse disorder. The substance abuse is currently not an issue, but lately I have felt some disturbing signs of depression creeping up on me. It's strange because when I was diagnosed with the MDD I had severe, obvious depression that was definitely interfering in my daily life. Lately I have been struggling to determine the difference between the sadness that is to be expected given my current situation and the ghosts of the depression rattling their chains at my door again. Since I have had serious issues with it before, I  don't want to get into the "danger zone" with it again. The longer you entertain the depressive thoughts without taking measures to arrest them, the easier it is to get bogged down and the harder it is to get unstuck.

The main difference I have seen when I have researched the symptoms of depression is the presence/absence of a feeling of hopelessness. At first glance, I say "no, I don't feel hopeless."

But maybe I do, sometimes, in fleeting moments, and I just don't recognize it as the beginnings of depression because I do take measures to stop those kinds of thoughts.

Anyone else have similar struggles with depression? Anyone else find that depression takes different forms and manifests in different ways that may be subtle at first?

Just wondering if I am being hypervigilant because I know I have the disorder (or at least I was diagnosed with it.) Also wondering if maybe I have had low to moderate-grade depression for years now due to the abuse and stress of my r/s with uBPDh, and maybe it just became my "normal".

Thanks for reading.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed
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« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2018, 03:11:01 AM »

Dearest Redeemed-

I have been off the boards for almost a week now, cannot even reply to responses to my own post... .due to deep depression.  So the answer is yes.

If you find yourself having that "hopeless" feeling, then perhaps it's time to take your step forward and seek help.  Once you're in the darkness, it's so hard to climb toward the light.  If your hopeless feelings are more related to your BPDh, then maybe you're subconsciously dealing with the grief and sadness of letting go of that relationship.  That could be something to look at more closely.

Mostly, when you know where your sadness can take you, please try to take the wheel while you still have the presence of mind and the strength- for you and your child.  I haven't read much lately, but if these feelings have come on and could be tied to increased contact with your BPDh, then maybe it's time to care for yourself and seriously decrease or cut off contact for a while.  That's what you do have control over.

Wishing you true happiness.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2018, 05:08:10 AM »

Hi to you, Iamredeemed.

yes i think a feeling of hopelessness caused me a great deal of depression at certain periods of life, and I did recognise it back then. ive been through substance misuse too and felt stronger as a result. there has nothing that compared to taxing me mentally than my experience with BPD ex. i was pushed so close to the point of joining her in psychosis to even regard the existence of a depression or anxiety. the insomnia, nightmares and general feeling of being fatigued during the day, combined with having to work 12 hour shifts in a stressful job on top of having to deal with that relationship i look back and cant imagine how I managed for so long.

i do feel like i understand where you are coming from. i can feel upset but not necessarily depressed. the feelings of hopelessness you could describe could equally be part of anxiety rather than depression. and as you say, a symptom of ptsd flash backs being occassionally triggered. especially if there are periods of time that you are generally feeling ok and not constantly low mood. this is the place I am at now, i am generally happy to have got my life back on track and making good progress in so many areas, but then for no apparent reason, i get a few days where she becomes like a splinter in my head, and just remembering causes a sort of loop cycle of anxiety.

might ask my doctor for some sort of anxiolytic. ive found my anxiety levels dropped considerably as i started to stop caffeine. sounds trivial when you think of the stuff ive been through but i think it deserves a mention, sometimes it is small things we neglect that actually play a big part in our moods. when i was at my worst despair during the relationship i could stay at home all day just drinking coffee for energy and chain smoking myself to death as i tried to ruminate, meditate and generally piece together what was going on in my life. ive since cut down caffeine, got better sleep, exercise more and noticed huge improvements as a result.
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Tattered Heart
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« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2018, 10:03:57 AM »

I think it's important to make note of all our feelings. It attunes us into what is going on and lets us know when there is something that needs to be changed. You said you were diagnosed with chronic major depression, but could that have changed? There is a mild chronic depression called Dysthmia. It's not a deep depression, but a constant sadness. (Pretty sure I have this).

Have you gone through the full grieving process? Regardless of whether you are struggling with depression or grief, just get it all out. Yell, cry, laugh--whatever it is that you are experiencing, just experience it. Don't throttle it (Don't take it out on others either, but in privacy).

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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2018, 09:01:48 AM »

Thanks everyone for the replies,

Gems, it means so much to me that you would reach out in the midst of your own pain and sadness. I have made the step towards getting back into therapy, because I decided it was time to stop procrastinating. I called my former counselor yesterday and set up an appointment for next week. I am also going to talk to her about getting back on my antidepressant medication. I have not been taking it for over a year now and I can tell the struggle is much harder without it. Strangely, I don't think my frustration is related directly to uBPDh. It more or less is a combination of a few different situations that I would like to change but don't have the power to at this current time. I also realize I am probably getting burnt out because my schedule is so loaded right now. I wish you the best and I sincerely hope you are taking steps as well to self-care.

Cromwell, I do think a lot of my frustration is related to anxiety is well. I have always struggled with it. As a recovering addict, I don't have the option of taking many of the medications prescribed for anxiety (Xanax, Valium, Ativan, etc.) and I wouldn't want to anyway because I don't like medication that makes me sleepy or foggy or has addictive properties. I think you are on to something about the caffeine, though. I drink entirely too much coffee and energy drinks to try to keep going with my full schedule. The cigarettes are another addiction I would like to kick as well. I am embarrassed that I am a Christian who still smokes, especially since my mother is dying from lung cancer. I try to remember that I can't work on everything at once.

Tattered Heart, I have read about the dysthmia and I do think it better fits me than the MDD, at this point in my life. Seven to ten years ago my depression symptoms were much more severe and obvious than now. I realize that a lot of the sadness and frustration is situational, and I know that I should not continue to pretend that I can carry this without outside help. We possibly may be discussing hospice for my mother soon, on top of everything else, and I have been trying to hold in my grief over that and continue on at work and while taking care of kids so that I don't break down, but it just results in explosions of temper at inappropriate times and that has to stop.

Thank you everyone for reaching out,

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

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« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2018, 04:03:21 PM »



Playmisty, I do think a lot of my frustration is related to anxiety is well. I have always struggled with it. As a recovering addict, I don't have the option of taking many of the medications prescribed for anxiety (Xanax, Valium, Ativan, etc.) and I wouldn't want to anyway because I don't like medication that makes me sleepy or foggy or has addictive properties. I think you are on to something about the caffeine, though. I drink entirely too much coffee and energy drinks to try to keep going with my full schedule. The cigarettes are another addiction I would like to kick as well. I am embarrassed that I am a Christian who still smokes, especially since my mother is dying from lung cancer. I try to remember that I can't work on everything at once.

Have you checked your blood pressure. mines sits at 90 now, Idve not liked to have measured it 6 months ago. Its great to hear someone else who has escaped addiction and doesnt want to go back on that road, so well done.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Like you say, it is often a weighing up game. I just cant give up cigarettes at the moment, when the stress comes it relieves it. But that is far better progress than what I was resorting to in the past. I have cut out the energy drinks, I do rarely have one, but when I do it is very noticeable how "wired" I get and due to already having borderline (oh theres that word again) concerned level of blood pressure, it is too much stimulation and causes knock on effect of anxiety, affects sleep which is vital to improving rest and mood, so im too tired next day to exercise, which is excellent for mood, instead I have coffee all day to stay awake for work. Alongside that, coffee is the trigger for a cigarette.

a chamomile tea is just as effective as a valium.

as you say, it takes time to change habits that have helped us through worse and you will know your own limitations. its more of a marathon than a sprint, but we will get there eventually, all the same.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  

Cromwell
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« Reply #6 on: April 02, 2018, 08:08:05 PM »

Hi TH, I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with so much depression recently.

The longer you entertain the depressive thoughts without taking measures to arrest them, the easier it is to get bogged down and the harder it is to get unstuck.

I don't have a lot of knowledge of depression in the clinical sense but I have been having extreme bouts of depression in the last few weeks, which I brought up with my counselor yesterday. I agree that depressive thoughts should not be entertained, but I'm concerned with the language you use in terms of "arresting them". The way I see any emotion is that it is trying to tell us something important and should not be shunned. Anger tells us that someone has violated our boundaries. Fear tells us we have a challenge to our safety somewhere near us. I think depression, unless we have a biological reason for it, is also our hearts trying to inform us of something that is wrong.

After talking with my counselor, we identified the likely source of my depression being that fact that it will be a long time before my situation is resolved and I feel like I'm still going to be living in a nightmare for years to come. Whether or not this is true, the feeling has certainly been weighing on me.

Your depression may come from many places, including your grief over having to put your mother in hospice. I can see you have a lot on your plate right now. I truly hope you can get the help you need right now to see you through this time. You have our support!

Hugs,
~ROE
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I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2018, 10:09:52 AM »

Thanks everyone,

Cromwell, my blood pressure seems to be normal and I have never had problems in that area, but I can tell that I feel more wired when I step up the caffeine intake and then I do have trouble sleeping... .in addition to S2 waking me up at night. Sometimes when my son wakes me up, I have trouble going back to sleep. The smoking does weigh on my conscience and it is something I will address eventually, but as you said there are much worse things I have used for comfort and stress relief in the past.

ROE,

You are right about our feelings trying to tell us something. I don't want to ignore the signals my emotions are sending, but I don't want to fall victim to my own negative thoughts either. I am starting therapy this week, so maybe that will help me to develop some coping skills to deal with all the life stress I have right now.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed
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« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2018, 11:33:00 AM »

Dear Redeemed-

I want to pipe in here because I'm beginning to claw my way out of my darkness, at least today.  I pretty much stopped drinking caffeine about 7.5 years ago.  Before I went strictly to decaf,  I was mixing half decaf and half caf when I made my morning coffee.    Then when the violence hit my marriage, I went back on the caffeine and cigarettes due to stress and a heavy workload.  For about three weeks I had this racing feeling in my chest that never seemed to stop.  Then BOOM!  Full blown anxiety attack.  First ever.  I was on the phone with a girlfriend in another city, told her I was about to blackout and had to hang up.  She called 911.  I had no idea she'd called them.  In the meantime I called my neighbor who came over and was making my Twig tea for me (more on this later).

I was separated from violent husband.  I couldn't stand and was sitting on floor. Suddenly all these EMT's showed up.  I was stunned because I didn't call them.  They did tests and more tests and then told me I HAD to go to the hospital.  They got a bad read on my heart.  I was 53.  They did oxygen in ambulance.  I was inconsolable.  So they injected me with Ativan at hospital.  ER doctor was an angel.  He sat with me for about an hour holding my hand after second set of tests and asked what he could do for me.  I said, please be kind to your wife.

Eight hours later... .who shows up, but violent husband.  Third worst night of my life... .says he's taking me home and spending night at the house.  Second Worst night was when he was arrested for throwing me across the room the prior month.  So I took a pill they gave me and basically passed out.

I no longer drink caffeine except when I have a headache.  It cures my headaches.  I have anxiety pills called clonazepam.  I am prescribed to take up to 2 pills per day (.5 mg).  Sometimes I take a half a pill and sometimes I take nothing.  I can feel when I need it.  If you need it, you're only tired in the first 5 or so days of starting, but you start slowly. I definitely do NOT think clono is as addictive as Ativan.

I drink this tea, its organic Haiku Twig tea, which I've been drinking for 21 years.  PM me and I'll tell you the brand.  It's a wonderful, amazing big tea!  I drink it day and night and can drink it and go straight to sleep.  You can put vanilla soy milk, honey, turbanado brown sugar or nothing in it.  I don't get colds and if I ever get sick, I heal faster than most people (knock on wood!).  Lots of days I drink it instead of the decaf.

Finally, I just reminded myself that the B vitamins (especially B12, I believe and possibly B6) and Folate are especially good for warding off, or assisting with depression.  And can also assist with helping meds work more effectively.  So something to consider.

What we are going through can make our lives feel so disjointed and fragmented.  But you, I, we are body wholes, not body parts.  We are souls who need and deserve complete care.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

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I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2018, 12:17:56 PM »

Thanks Gems,

I know the caffeine intake is really bad for me, and the cigarettes even worse. I am falling back on the easiest way to keep going because I have not disciplined myself enough to change my habits. I just turned 40 last fall and my energy level is not what it used to be. Also I have experienced chronic fatigue for the last few years. Hard to pinpoint the cause because there are so many factors. I entered a behavioral hospital and then a treatment center in September of 2010 when I detoxed from a very high dose of methadone that I had been prescribed for almost eighteen months. I proceeded to meet uBPDh two months later and our relationship became a constant source of stress within months. Also, I gave birth to four of my six children between September 2011 and December 2015. That's a lot to handle physically, mentally and emotionally. During that time I also experienced recurring abuse, lost custody of my kids (except S2, who I now am the sole caretaker of), lost my father and found out that my mother is dying of cancer. Some days I wonder how I am not in a straight jacket somewhere.
I have taken clonazepam before, though it was not prescribed to me. My drug of choice was not benzodiazepines, rather it was prescription opiates, but I prefer to not use any controlled substance nor street drugs nor alcohol, because I am keenly aware of my addiction disorder and how it deceives me into believing that I can "handle" any use of substances. It's just better I don't- no matter what it is.
I would be interested in the tea, though. I will pm and ask you. I have sinus and allergy problems as well, maybe the tea would help with that too.
So glad to hear from you and to hear that you are making your way out of the dark days. I recently started therapy again and I feel relieved that I have outside support. It's too easy to isolate and get stuck in my bad feelings.
Take care gems and thank you so much for your response.

Blessings and peace,
Redeemed
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« Reply #10 on: April 06, 2018, 12:44:56 PM »

Hi Redeemed-

You have been through so so much, dear girl.  I am so deeply sorry, and yet you offer so much support to others.  You truly are an inspiration.  And I'm sorry for what you're facing with your mom.  That's so painful.  And scary... .Sometimes I ask GOD... .what are you thinking? 

I'm really sorry, I totally understand about the no Clono.  I didn't register that it was a controlled substance.  I also know two people in AA who take Xanax, but hearing this, my guess is they shouldn't be doing that.

For the sinus issues... .have you ever heard of manual lymphatic drainage?  Here's a true thing.  I had an intense sinus infection about 8 years ago and was told I needed surgery.  Had been through two courses of prednisone and antibiotics.  My whole tone of voice changed so much that my Dragon voice on the computer didn't recognize me anymore!  I could NOT sneeze, my nose wouldn't even run.  It was bizarre.  Well, went to a woman for a facial and she did this "manual lymphatic drainage".  It's light massage movements.

I think she did it maybe for two sessions.  Well my nose started running, the infections cleared and NEVER returned.  STBx BPDbf occasionally has terrible sinus headaches, so now I did it to him.  I have no training.  I just do light, round movements with my fingertips starting on the bridge of the nose down toward under the eyes.  Results are amazing.  Probably can google it.  Also use a Nettie pot daily to clear the sinuses.  And You can try Stinging Nettle for allergies rather than those toxic medicines.  I figure with cigarette use, better to avoid as much other toxins whenever possible.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #11 on: April 14, 2018, 09:42:38 PM »

Hi Redeemed,  sorry you are struggling.  Glad you made an appointment with therapist.  I have anxiety and I drink herbal tea to help relax me at bedtime.  Also, my doctor prescribed a compounded multi vitamin to help my immunity because stress was making me ill.  It really helped.

I hope you are having a better week.  You have been so strong.  Please take care of yourself.  You are a special person!

Blessings and peace,
Mustbe
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2018, 03:43:43 AM »

Hello Redeemed,

It's been a little while.  How are you feeling?

WW
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« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2018, 09:18:31 PM »

Hi WW,

My feelings are doing a good impression of a yo-yo these days. I can feel anxious, angry, frustrated, sad, guilty, desperate, numb, hopeful, and confident all in the same day. Every day. I am really tired and I have no time to myself, as S2 requires my full attention every minute except for when I am at work- and I have a job that requires mental concentration and memory to juggle several things at once, as I am liable to be taking care of the needs of up to twenty-five people at the same time. I also try to do my schoolwork at night when s2 is sleeping, because he likes to come bang on my laptop when I am trying to do my classwork. His sleep schedule is off because my schedule is crazy- we usually don't get home until after 9 pm. He has also been waking up at night, and that makes me even more exhausted. I am sure this is contributing a lot to my moodiness.

I am trying not to let the feelings overwhelm me. Usually they will pass and I can function well enough to do what I need to do. I just worry about burnout, because I don't have much time to just relax. I am always trying to accomplish something- work, schoolwork, housework, laundry, all while s2 is underfoot (except work of course). I have been reading the books I bought, usually at night after s2 goes to sleep and I have finished my schoolwork. (I am staying up too late, I know, but it's the only "me" time I get.) I have already read the Eggshells book, the Boundaries book, almost all of I Hate You Don't Leave Me, and almost all of Should I Stay Or Should I Go by Lundy Bancroft. (I meant to also buy Why Does He Do That, but somehow I accidentally bought two copies of Should I Stay Or Should I Go.) Haven't started the Stark book yet.

Communication with uBPDh has been reduced to about once every three days. Our conversations are not upsetting, necessarily. He asks me how I am feeling/doing. I tell him. Then he relates what I tell him to a situation he is experiencing and the conversation becomes all about how he is feeling and what is stressing him. He says he is not in a good place mentally. I try to be supportive, but I can't help noticing that once again I am spending time trying to help him with his thoughts/feelings/healing, when I have a backlog of thoughts/feelings/unresolved anger and trauma that I have only just begun to unpack. The irony of the situation is not lost on me; in fact it is glaringly clear to me that this man harmed me in every possible way you can think of (mentally, emotionally, physically, even spiritually at times), and not only was he an actively destructive partner who inflicted many traumatic wounds on me, he was also NOT a supportive partner- he neglected me emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Yet here we are- in the midst of my own confusion and pain over the harm HE CAUSED ME I am trying to be supportive and encouraging to HIM with HIS FEELINGS.

And then he asks me for money. And I, because I am who I am, send it to him. I feel sorry for him, even though he is in jail because he hurt me. Once upon a time a long time ago, I spent a few weeks in jail and it was horrible. So maybe that memory is influencing me a little bit. Maybe I am trying to lessen the consequences for him since this time I didn't protect him from them. I don't know if I am sending him money because I am a person who "loves her enemy" and "treats others how I would want to be treated" or if I am doing it because of FOG (although there have been no threats or manipulation by emotional blackmail if I don't send it. He just asks, gives me a reason why he has already used up the money I already sent (which may or may not be plausible; commissary is expensive and I know he is sharing with his brother because they are locked in a cell together) and he thanks me for what I have done for him and also for helping his mother (I gave her grocery money and paid her light bill.)

I have confusing, mixed feelings about sending him money. I am embarrassed to even tell anyone that I am doing it, except his mom. And, now, you guys.

Is it FOG if the pwBPD isn't threatening you if you don't comply, or emotionally blackmailing you? I read the article on FOG again, and he isn't doing any of those things (this time) so is it still FOG?

Am I being gullible? Why is this so hard to figure out?

Anyway, that's where I'm at today. Confused. Frustrated. Feeling bad about myself for being gullible (cause I kind of think I am, no matter how I try to justify it. ) Worried that my FOO will find out I am in contact and helping uBPDh financially, and then I will have to listen to their crap.

Thank God I can be honest here, without fear of judgment.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed
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« Reply #14 on: April 19, 2018, 01:58:31 AM »

Hello Redeemed,

Wow, that's about three full loads of work.  If you can manage to take care of yourself well enough that you don't spontaneously combust, you are going places!

All of your feelings about your husband make sense.  The thing that really stands out is that you are being thoughtful and reflective about what you're doing -- you have self awareness.  Oddly, that sometimes doesn't seem to make it easier to change our actions!  At least for a while.  It takes time.  Yes, the FOG can be thick even if our pwBPD aren't actively laying it on.  We get so conditioned to it that we do it to ourselves.  The slightest sign of distress on their part, or even us imagining their distress, can make it kick in.  Congrats on getting the call frequency down to every three days!  You may find that with more time, you'll be able to get even better boundaries.  I'm wondering if the fact that you are working so hard and spread so thin is making your "processing time" for all of this slower.  Perhaps considering that possibility might allow you to worry less about the speed of how your perspective is evolving.  You are headed in the right direction.  You will get to where you need to go!

How's the car?  Are you getting visits with your older kids?

WW
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« Reply #15 on: April 19, 2018, 10:53:10 AM »

Hi WW,

I definitely think I am making slow progress because of all the stress. I usually have only one day off, and the other days are full with work and child care. I always have s2 of course and then four days a week I baby-sit my co-worker's kids in exchange for her watching s2 while I work. It's exhausting.

I see my kids for about an hour once a week. Our visits consist of us going out to eat somewhere, so there is not a lot of bonding opportunity, but I am in the application process for a house that will be large enough for them to come visit overnight. My roommate and I are planning to move out together. It's kind of a covert operation, because she is trying to get away from her child's father who still lives with us. Their r/s has ended, but he does not want to accept it. The urgency has been stepped up in light of recent events; two weekends ago her friend called the police on him because they were having an argument and he used physical intimidation to refuse to keep her from leaving when things got heated. This is extremely concerning to me given the abuse I experienced. The police did not do anything because she had no visible marks on her, even though her friend had video recorded him standing over her and blocking her with his arms from getting off the couch. Thankfully S2 was not there, as I was at work and he was at the sitter's.

No word on the car. I have no way of contacting the person who sold it to me/is supposedly fixing it. All communication is mediated through my roommate's ex (the same person I mentioned above) and he says that this man is not responding to his attempts to communicate with him. I don't know whether to believe him or not. I know most of what he says is bs, and I kind of think he doesn't want me to have this man's number because he probably lied to me about the cost of the car and sold it to me for more than the price the man was asking for it. That's my theory, anyway. I have just decided to leave it up to God for now, because I am tired of worrying about it and I have more stressing situations on my mind. If and when I ever get the car back, I am just going to sell it anyway. I have some money coming in and I plan to just buy the van I wanted to get in the first place.

My mother's cancer has spread in her lungs. The prognosis is poor, and the doctors have recommended hospice care be started for her. She will not have to leave the facility she is in currently; she will just receive an extra level of care and pain management. They are not sure how long she may have left.

My children miss me. I was able to go to see D9 and D10 sing in their spring honor choir concert for school. D9  spotted me and S2 when we walked in and I saw her turn around and tell D10 that we were there. They both waved and gave big smiles    .

My sister counted that as our visit for the week. I did not sit with my other kids because I was afraid S2 would be too wild if he saw his brothers and sister (S6, S5, and D4) and I had enough trouble trying to contain him during the concert  . When the concert was over, I tried to at least briefly hug and kiss all my kids as they were walking out. D4 said she missed me. My sister was in one of her "moods" I guess, because she did not acknowledge either me or S2 and said in a frustrated voice to my kids "Come on!" as she motioned them to hurry up. Nothing happened between us to provoke this interaction. That is simply how she is- one day she is fine and we have a good conversation, the next day she doesn't even acknowledge my existence. This is the same type of dysfunction I experienced with her as a child when she was raising me (my sister is 20 years older and she stepped in to raise me after my mother's suicide attempt when I was 2.) She also has taught my children to call me by my first name, and to call her "Mama." This is extremely hurtful to me. I try to remember that my kids are MY KIDS no matter what name they call me. I will always be their mother, and she will always NOT be their mother.

I trust God in His infinite wisdom and timing to work all these situations out for my good and His glory. I try to remember that no matter how much stress I experience in my current situation, it is not nearly as bad as living with uBPDh in his addictive and psychotic state just four short months ago.

As far as the situation goes with sending uBPDh money in jail, I asked God to reveal to me what He thinks about it. Directly after I prayed about this, I felt something in my spirit prompting me to read the verse of the day on my Bible app. When I did, the verse was this:

"And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." (Colossians 3:17.)

To me that means that my question of "is this right or is this wrong" was answered with "it's not the act itself that is necessarily wrong, it's your motive for doing it." The act of sending money to uBPDh in itself is not wrong. My perception and motives of it are (but this can be changed.) Basically, I think God was saying to me "If you're going to do it, do it out of love and not out of fear. If you feel resentful, then your motives are wrong."

Conversely, the same could be said for my motives to stop sending money. If I do it solely because I am worried about what other people will think if they knew, then that motivation is also wrong.

I believe God is gently trying to counsel me about how to stop perceiving actions in "black or white" fashion, search my motives, and learn how to take actions for the right reasons, which involves love and not fear.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18)

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #16 on: April 21, 2018, 12:56:28 AM »

Thanks for the update!

Regarding your progress towards a better situation for you and all of your kids, you have a lot of ground to cover, but, shall I say, have Biblical determination to get where you're going!  As long as you're moving forward more than you're moving backward, you will eventually get there.  Your kids see you doing this, and someday, they will understand the strength it took you to get through all you did and get them back.

Yes, I also find it's helpful to me to check my motives when I am contemplating action.

Glad you have a transportation plan you'll have more control over!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

WW
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« Reply #17 on: April 21, 2018, 12:07:36 PM »

Update:

My sister signed paperwork for hospice care for my mother. She is not eating enough to last long. The cancer has spread in her lungs. My sisters decided not to do the feeding tube.

This sucks.
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« Reply #18 on: April 21, 2018, 02:09:32 PM »

I’m so sorry, Redeemed.  Prayers for you, and your family.

Mustbe
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« Reply #19 on: April 22, 2018, 01:24:18 AM »

Redeemed, I am so sorry to hear the sad news.  Are you able to visit your Mom?

WW
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« Reply #20 on: April 22, 2018, 02:32:31 PM »

I am able to on certain days, it just depends on when I can borrow my roommates car. I have been working so much and trying to write a paper for school and also talking to a guy about renting a house. It's just so much right now.
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« Reply #21 on: April 24, 2018, 03:35:27 PM »

It's just so much right now.

It sure is.  Hang in there.  You can do it!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

WW
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« Reply #22 on: April 25, 2018, 10:27:40 AM »

Thanks WW,

Meeting with my T tomorrow. Might talk about going back on antidepressants because of the added stress.

Trusting God for His infinite wisdom and guidance.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed
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« Reply #23 on: April 25, 2018, 11:52:55 AM »

it just depends on when I can borrow my roommates car. I have been working so much and trying to write a paper for school and also talking to a guy about renting a house. It's just so much right now.

IAR,

Sometimes... .manytimes... it's wise to list out your things and rank them in importance to you today.  Then I would challenge you to imagine the list in the context of the next 10 years, what stuff will be memorable and "matter" and what may end up being part of the "administrivia" (new FF word) of our lives that just happens and fades away.

Can we make sure we have the list right

Work
paper for school
house talk/renting
time with Mom

Can you rank those for us? 

FF
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« Reply #24 on: April 27, 2018, 10:50:22 PM »

Hey there, Redeemed, how are you doing?

WW
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« Reply #25 on: April 30, 2018, 01:15:50 PM »

Hospice is calling in the family today. Something happened over the weekend to cause Mom to go down quickly and they put her on oxygen. We were advised not to come alone.
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« Reply #26 on: April 30, 2018, 01:31:12 PM »

Hospice is calling in the family today. Something happened over the weekend to cause Mom to go down quickly and they put her on oxygen. We were advised not to come alone.

I'm praying you are able to arrange the time and means to go.

   

Also remember in all of the whirl of activity to be kind to yourself.

Please update us when you can?  How far away does she live?

FF
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« Reply #27 on: April 30, 2018, 06:46:29 PM »

Our thoughts and prayers are with you.  You are not alone. 

WW
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« Reply #28 on: April 30, 2018, 07:20:33 PM »

Thanks WW,

Mom passed away today. My sister and I were able to go and see her before she went. Mom was unresponsive, hooked up to oxygen and we couldn't tell if she knew we were there but we talked to her anyway. We stayed about an hour and told her we loved her and that it was okay to go if she wanted to.

Just over an hour after we left the hospice worker called and said Mother's breathing had become very shallow. 30 minutes later she passed away. I believe she was waiting for us to come to see her, and then I think she waited until we left so she could go in peace.

I know she is happy now. She will be cremated and we will spread her ashes with my dad's (which I have saved since his death in 2014) in the family cemetery in her home town. We will have a plaque made for both of them.

I prayed that God would not let her suffer and he didn't. He brought her home quickly. Before I left I turned the TV on in her room and put it on the Christian channel she was always watching. It's the same one I always watch too and I like to think that if she could hear it that it gave her some comfort in her final hours.

Blessings and peace to you all.

I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #29 on: April 30, 2018, 07:29:03 PM »

Redeemed,  so very sorry about your mom.  I am glad you had a chance to say goodbye.  When I think of you and all the difficulties you have been courageously facing, I say a little prayer for you.  I will be praying for you in the coming days. 

Take care of yourself - you're the only you! 
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